Hi, sorry it's been so long, I've been busy failing exams and driving tests.
Thanks for the reviews.
As usual I don't own anything, shame...
Chapter 8 - Ready To Slip
Getting back to work was something of an anticlimax for Mickey. He didn't really know what he had expected. He knew everything wouldn't suddenly fall into place, that it wouldn't suddenly be easy but he had hoped that something would have changed, that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. But there was nothing.
He tried to throw himself into his work like he had done so many times before and for a few days it worked but eventually he found himself struggling to get up in the morning, it became difficult to get through the day without something to release the tension.
He felt paranoid, thinking that people where whispering about him behind his back. And the worse thing was that he knew that it was all in his head, that it was something wrong with him. He could blame no one else, make no excuses, it was him and only him.
Jack was so shaken with the feeling of guilt, that he had resolved to never allow this to happen again. So he watched Mickey like a hawk and saw him become visibly exhausted. He knew that Mickey was ready to slip. He saw Mickey sit at his desk, clenching his fists and biting his bottom lip.
Jack went quietly up to Mickey's desk. "Come on," he said quietly, "let's have a chat." Mickey followed him into Jack's office.
Mickey slouched in the chair in front of Jack's desk. He looked despondently out the window.
"Things are getting you down again, aren't they?"
He nodded. "Yeah." He said quietly.
"What is it?"
"I, it just doesn't feel like anything's changed, I feel the same, worse. I," he sighed, "I'm sick of it Guv, all of it. I've had enough."
"Look, Mickey, I know you don't want to hear this but, I think that maybe you should think about seeing a counsellor again."
"No, Guv. Been there, done that." Mickey said defensively.
"I know but last time you saw her for the rape, it's not just that anymore, you're depressed, self-harming, you tried to commit suicide."
"I know, I know. But, I really don't want to see a counsellor Guv."
"I know you don't but you said yourself that you're sick of it, you've got to do something about it. Please, just think about it."
"Alright, I'll think about it." He stood up. "I'm going to take a walk, clear my head."
"That's a good idea."
---
I don't want to see a counselor, it was bad enough last time. It was horrible. Just talking about it. It made me feel sick having someone listen to the details, asking questions in that detached way they all do. I just wanted to forget about it but she used to bring it all up again. She would never just let me forget about it all. I don't want to see a counsellor.
But I don't want to feel like this anymore, I can't.
In the hospital they gave me anti-depressants, they're still sat on the shelf in my bathroom cabinet, I don't want to rely on drugs. I've seen the results of that too many time before, not necessarily anti-depressants but I don't want to be like that.
I know that Jack wants to help me, he'd only ever suggest something that he thought was for the best but he doesn't know what it's like, how can he possibly understand?
But he's doing his best to understand, to help. What harm can it do? It'll hardly make things worse, will it?
I don't want to but I'll give it ago. For Jack.
---
After a few hours Mickey was ready to return to the station. He found the DCI in his office.
"Guv, can I have a word?" He asked poking his head round the door.
"Yeah 'cause, come in."
Mickey took his usual place slumped in the chair staring out of the window. He turned to look at Jack. "Um, I've thought about what you said." He paused.
"Yeah."
"Alright, I'll give it a go, worth a try, isn't it?""
"Good." Jack smiled. "I'll make you an appointment."
