What Bella Saw

-4:14pm- I may have just suffered an aneurysm of some sort. I laughed until my head felt like it was going to burst.

-Emmett came bolting down the stairs laughing manically with Alice after him, looking like she might take his head off. She was shouting something about "just helping her sort them out, not dragging his man panties through them" and that's when I saw what Emmett was wearing...a gold cocktail dress and matching stilettos. The dress was held together by threads because it was sized to fit a slender framed petite woman-namely Alice- and Emmett, who is close to the size of a water buffalo, had managed to get it all the way on. His feet were squished into tiny shoes and by some miracle they were holding him up...at least for the moment. On the bottom step, both heels snapped and Emmett's expression will be with me until...well, for a long time.

He fell forward and never attempted to catch himself. His face smacked the floor with enormous force. Alice tripped over him and her rear end came to rest on the back of his head driving it into the floor. I think I heard her tail bone crack.

Jasper picked the best time to arrive. He opened the front door and dropped the package he was holding.

I looked from him to the dummies and it hit me.

Emmett was still sprawled face down, dressed in his finery-his hand firmly grasping a matching clutch purse. In the place of a head, there was Alice with her hands under her butt, and her knees pulled to her chin.

"Mutants," I said in a matter of fact tone to Jasper.

"Ah," he replied, "It was bound to happen sooner or later."

-5:00pm- Finally stopped laughing at the performance I caught earlier. Jasper had to "help" me calm down. Wish he had could have calmed down my bladder. I nearly wet my pants when Alice stood up and Rosalie called her "butt head". I crawled up the stairs to Alice's bathroom. Almost didn't make it.

-5:07pm- Edward came running in a minute after my near "accident". He caught me with my pants down...literally. If his face could have turned red, it would have been maroon. I think he stood and stared just a little too long for a gentleman. I have no problem with the vampire thing, but if he's gonna be all kinky with bathroom hygiene we may have some issues to discuss. Yuck! That's just nasty.

-5:30pm- Esme called to tell Carlisle she would be late getting home this evening.

Good thing. Emmett will have to face the wrath of "Mommy Dearest" when she gets here and the more time I have to get out of Dodge, the better. I prefer to think of Esme as sweet and loving. I don't want to wreck that mental image just yet.

-6:00pm- Edward is acting weird. Alice mentioned something about Mike Newton not being around town much lately, and Edward started giggling. Giggling! Since when does he giggle?

-6:45pm- This is just absurd. All I have to do is mention Mike's name and Edward nearly falls to the floor laughing. What's even stranger is that Edward keeps insisting I open the doors when I enter or leave a room. Then just when my hand touches the doorknob he mutters something like, "Doorknobs. I'll have to tell Charlie about Mike and the doorknobs..." WHAT? I don't get it.

-7:00pm- Am I living in Wonderland, or what? I went out to get a CD from my truck that I wanted to give Emmett, and Charlie was out there...cleaning my door handles! I didn't even ask. I must be hallucinating. I'm not sure I want to know what's going on. It's strange enough that Charlie would even be at the Cullen's. The obsessive-compulsive cleaning just pushes it over the insanity edge. Maybe I'll ask Carlisle to check him out later.

-7:30pm- Emmett and Carlisle managed to repair most of the damage to the floor before Esme got home. She wasn't't too terribly harsh with them.

I had mentioned to her once that I had always wanted to see the Eiffel tower and she did the sweetest thing. She was late because she had been picking up take-out from a little French restaurant on her way home. I think she's living vicariously through me. She watches me intently as I try every new thing she brings home for me to eat. I guess eventually you forget what it's like to have human food.

-7:37pm- I must have done something to make Emmett mad at me. He came into the kitchen just as Esme, Edward and I were dishing out the French cuisine.He turned on his heels and darted out of the kitchen yelling every curse word I've ever heard and some I haven't. He normally likes to watch me eat. I am so confused.

-8:00pm- Rosalie reassures me that I haven't done anything to upset Emmett, but he won't come out of their room to speak to me. Rose is never this polite, so I'm sure she knows something she's not telling. As I turned to walk back down the hall I think I heard her whisper "Escargot" through the door to Emmett. If I didn't know better I would swear I heard him vomit.

-9:00pm- I'm going home. There's no way I'm sleeping in this mad house tonight. Everybody's acting so freaking weird. Why haven't I ever noticed before? Jasper has been the only normal one around.

-9:11pm- Okay. So maybe everyone is being weird. I went to tell Jasper goodnight and I found him curled up in a fetal position in the floor of the living room saying "Please don't say it again, Rose!" over and over. I was worried about him so I went to get Esme and Carlisle. THAT was a mistake!

I never walked in on my parents having sex, thank God, but I think this was worse. I didn't realize becoming a vampire made one so flexible.

-9:30pm- Edward stopped laughing at me long enough to drive me home. Charlie was standing by his cruiser wiping down the door handles. Edward guffawed so hard that he didn't even hear me slam the door as I got out. Somebody must have sprayed the town with crazy juice. I'm going to bed. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be a normal day.

-1:00am- THAT'S IT! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! What dimension have I fallen into. I woke up to find that Edward wasn't lying beside me. I figured the crazy must have worn off by now and he probably went home for a while to check on everyone else. WRONG!

I heard peals of laughter coming from Charlie's room, so I ran to check it out. There was Edward rolling on the floor and Charlie mumbling in his sleep something that sounded like.."Darn kids, leave those goats alone! Mike Newton, if you don't keep your tongue to yourself I'll have to take you down town this instant!"

-2:00pm- Edward tells me that even vampires have to get their kicks somehow and I just happened to catch the family's fun times all at once. I told him that I didn't know if I'd be able to handle all of that for the next hundred or so years!

He just started laughing again and said that I would get used to it.

I told him that catching fleas and smelling like wet dog was starting to sound pretty good.

He stopped laughing.