A/N- This is the FINAL chapter of Warriors Driving Lessons, and if you want a sequel, i want LOTS of reviews! MUAHAHAHAHA! Cough cough. Go check out the poll on my profile page, please. I just put it there as well and it would be awesome if you went and voted. Yeah! Go vote!
Oh and i always thought Russetfur was a tom, until i looked on the internet and found she was a girl, so um, that's why she's referred to as 'he' at the start and 'she' at the end. Sorry!
Ah! Russetfur! No! OW! Help! Ah! Youch! Help me! Russetfur's...Ah! No! Ah! He's...no SHE'S!...Ah! Stop! No! Ah! OW! Ow!
Ahem, sorry about that. Russetfur just... least said about that the better, eh?
Anyway, you've got a special EXTRA LONG EDITION this time, as it's the final chapter, and i had the day off school 'cause i hurt my fingers. Yay.
Disclaimer- I don't own Warriors, Top Gear, Blackadder, Volvo, Porsche, Kalashnikov, Baywatch, Nintendo, RAZRs, Mario & Sonic or About You Now. If i did, i wouldn't be writing these, i'd be so rich i wouldn't have to bother. And i'd have the real thing and wouldn't have to write a disclaimer anyway.
The Great Inter-Clan Rally Tournament- Part IV
"…And some say all his potted plants are called 'Steve'…All we know is, he's called The Stig...!"
Stormfur was watching Top Gear on his stolen television set, and loving every minute of it.
He was the one who was going to be driving across the lake, as he used to be in Riverclan, so by some strange random quirk in the New Totally Awesomez Clan Lore, Like, Innit? it made him 'eligible' to drive across a lake. So he'd also been doing swimming lessons and watching Baywatch, along with repeatedly doing the 100m Freestyle swimming on Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games on his stolen Nintendo Wii.
He hadn't had to fix the Volvo this time, because Berrypaw hadn't made a mess of it, but he'd still had to wait a week for all the other clans to fix their monsters and get ready. Hollypaw had stolen some hot pink lifejackets for the clans, and everyone but Shadowclan had accepted them. Shadowclan would be going without lifejackets, because they said they were far too masculine for hot pink ones- even the she-cats.
This time, apart from Stormfur: Leopardstar, Breezepaw and Russetfur would be driving.
After last time, Russetfur's Kalashnikov had been confiscated by his clan, and replaced with a smaller handgun instead. In fact, every cat in Shadowclan had a gun- even the kits, who'd been given cap-guns to use, and the apprentices, who had pellet guns. Of course, all the other clans disapproved, as they did not endorse the use of guns.
Brook walked in to the warriors den and up to Stormfur's nest. Angrily, she grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. Stormfur leapt to his paws and span around.
"What did you do that for? I was watching that!"
"Stormfur! We have an hour until sunhigh! You still have to convert the monster to make it aquatic! All the other clans started hours ago!"
Stormfur pelted past Brook so fast that her fur blew in the breeze he created, and all she could see was a greyish blur.
By sunhigh, all the monsters had been converted to aquatic vehicles, and the clans were ready to go. All the monsters would start five foxlengths from the water's edge and drive into the lake, then across to the other side.
Riverclan had attached several rubber dinghies to the sides of their monster with rope and were going to use those to keep it afloat. They would move using two apprentices in the water, pushing the back forwards.
Shadowclan had completely converted theirs into a speedboat and weren't quite sure how to get it off the starting line, until Russetfur suggested that they get all the apprentices to shove it from the back. The apprentices groaned, but there was nothing they could do about it, so they all sat there, saving their strength for 'the big push'.
Windclan had decided to use wind power and had attached a mast and sail to their monster, leaving the convertible roof down. They were planning to sail across the lake, powered by the wind they were named after. And if there wasn't a breeze, well, they'd been feeding all the apprentices cold beans. Enough said about their plan.
Thunderclan, due to their limited amount of time, had nicked an idea straight from Top Gear, and had done a Jeremy Clarkson- Stormfur had just shoved a giant outboard motor on the back and was going to go across the lake as fast as he could.
With all the monsters ready and waiting, Stoneteller once again waved the chequered flag, as Midnight the Badger had recovered from her flu, but had now come down with a severe case of mumps instead, and the monsters sped into the lake. Well, most of the monsters. Shadowclan's apprentices were pushing as hard as they could, but it still only moved a mousetail a minute. It would take them an hour at this rate.
But Shadowclan had a plan. They knew their main rivals were Riverclan, what with them liking water and everything. So, from his cab, Russetfur rolled down his electric windows and leaned out of one with his handgun. He rapidly fired off six shots, hitting and deflating all of Riverclan's dinghies.
As the Riverclan cats inflated their hot pink lifejackets to make an escape as their monster sank, Russetfur fired again, and deflated all the lifejackets. The Riverclan cats were forced to swim as fast as they could back to the shore.
Another part of Shadowclan's plan was sabotaging Thunderclan. Russetfur had had a very cunning plan for this (and had clearly been watching too much Blackadder).
An hour earlier…
'…now I know, how I feel, about you now…"
The apprentice flipped open her RAZR.
"Heyaz! Oo 'iz this?"
"Hello, Hollypaw. This is Russetfur here, the Shadowclan lead- I mean, deputy."
"Shadowclanerz! I'll batter ya if ya come near me! You'd be dead, innit!"
"I have a proposition for you."
"Watizit? Watcha want? Issit somethink good, like?"
"I have a very sexy Shadowclan tom here. An apprentice. He says he'll go out with you if you help us."
"Sexy! An' 'e sez 'e'll go out wiv me? Oh my Starclan! Yessssssss! Just ya wait until Bezza hearz 'bout this!"
"Don't you want to know what you'll have to do?"
"Oh, yez. Kk. Come on then!"
"We want you to put the small bomb we will deliver to you, into Thunderclan's engine. That way we can blow the monster up and win the race."
"Blowz it up! Nah wayz man! I can't do that's to ma brethren, innit?!"
"Remember the sexy tom…"
"Oh, yeah. Iz 'e black?"
"Plain black."
"Oh yez! I'm in there! Kk. I'll plant ya bomb. Just hook me up wiv da tom, alrigh'?"
"Very well. Goodbye, Hollypaw."
"See yaz, innit!"
The phones disconnected, and then Hollypaw went to ring Berrypaw, as soon as she'd got some credit off her mum.
An hour later…
Tawnypelt leaned over to Tallpoppy and asked,
"Can I borrow your RAZR?"
"Of course."
Tallpoppy handed over the phone and Tawnypelt dialled Russetfur's number.
She answered from within the Porsche.
"Hello?"
"Hello, it's Tawnypelt here. My RAZR ran out of battery and it's on charge. Is everything going according to plan?"
"Yes, it's fine. I rang Hollypaw an hour ago and made the deal. She's sabotaged the monster."
"Good, very good."
"Yes, it is an excellent plan."
"So how exactly did you get Hollypaw's number in the first place?"
"It was easy. Remember Lionpaw and Heatherpaw's little incident with the melon?"
"Oh, yes. That was funny!" Tawnypelt sniggered.
"Well I got it then."
"Oh, alright. Are you sure she planted the bomb?"
"Of course. Otherwise I wouldn't hook her up with the 'sexy tom'!"
Both cats laughed evilly. You don't want to know who the 'sexy tom' really was.
From within the Porsche, Russetfur pressed a button on a small remote and there was a small explosion in the Thunderclan engine. The Volvo began to sink.
"Oh dear! It looks like Thunderclan had a little accident!" Russetfur laughed manically, but oozing charm and sophistication at the same time.
Both cats were laughing as the phones disconnected.
As Stormfur climbed out the Volvo and inflated his hot pink lifejacket, a gunshot rang out from the Porsche and his jacket deflated. Like the Riverclan cats, Stormfur was forced to swim back to shore.
Only Windclan were now left to sabotage, and Russetfur had yet another cunning plan (and her Blackadder DVDs confiscated). The Shadowclan deputy leaned out of her window and shot the Windclan sail and mast to pieces, before leaning back inside again and rolling up the window. She blew the smoke from her gun coolly and spun it round her finger, like in the westerns she'd also been watching (and had confiscated too).
By now, all the other clans were thoroughly annoyed with Shadowclan, especially Hollypaw (do NOT ask about her and the 'sexy tom'!), so they all decided to band together and sabotage Shadowclan.
The Shadowclan apprentices were still pushing the Porsche speedboat towards the lake, when Hollypaw, Honeypaw, Heatherpaw and Minnowpaw sidled up to them. All three of the Shadowclan apprentices were toms and started to hyperventilate when they saw the she-cats.
"Hello, boys," meowed Minnowpaw, silkily.
One of the Shadowclan toms fainted.
"Why don't you go rest a while? We'll push the monster. Don't worry about us. It'll be our pleasure," Honeypaw said, irresistibly.
The remaining two toms nodded enthusiastically and dragged their friend away.
The four she-cats pulled out their tools they'd had hidden behind their backs and set to work drilling holes in the bottom of the Porsche's hull, whilst the others kept pushing it.
Eventually, they pushed it into the lake and Russetfur revved the engine, and then started to speed across the water. She was halfway across the lake when the Porsche sank and, because all of Shadowclan had refused the hot pink lifejackets, she was forced to screech and splash around until Nightcloud and Crowfeather came to rescue her in a stolen twoleg boat, which Leafpool promptly sank, and so Leopardstar had to rescue the others.
So in the end, it was Thunderclan and Windclan who won the tournament, as they were the only ones to actually win any events. Thunderclan won the hill climb, and Windclan had won the time-trials. However, Firestar and Onestar, being so competitive against each other, both argued that their clans should win overall, and started to tear each other's fur out over it. The rest of the clans sat back and watched, the toms cheering,
"Fight! Fight! Fight!" and the she-cats just relaxing on sun loungers.
In the end, both cats fainted from lack of blood and all the cats went home for cappuccinos.
Since all the monsters had been lost in the lake, the clans decided at the next gathering that they would drive them no more, and all got bicycles instead.
Let the chaos continue…in your imagination!
THE END!
