Chapter Four: HE'S ESCAPED! Kakashi interrogates Sasuke

"Man, that was easy. All it took to take this guy out was asking to play multipayer Donkey Kong." Said Zetsu as he wiped the blood from his jacket. "Okay, I'm in the middle of enemy territory, surrounded by powerful ninjas, and weakened by torture. Time to use the signature ninja escape technique!" Zetsu made a handsign and disappeared in a puff of smoke, instantly reappearing at the Akatsuki base.

Meanwhile, Kakashi had found Ibiki's corpse, and was informing the Hokage of his demise. He had unwisely left Sasuke unattended, and Sasuke quickly removed his hidden phone (it's hidden somewhere where he'd immediately know if somebody was calling. Also it's on vibrate mode. Also it's not in his mouth or his nose and it's up his butt). Flinching after removing his phone, Sasuke hit the speed dial.

Many miles away, at the secret Uchiha cat house…

Suigetsu's phone began ringing. He picked it up, yelling "Hello?"

"Suigetsu, it's me, Sasuke!"

"Dude, where have you been! It's been, like, four days!"

"I got into a genjutsu fight with Itachi, and the bastards from Konoha sucker-darted me and have me prisoner! If you don't save me, I'll be raped. RAPED! HELP ME!"

"Oh, that explains why Itachi arrived!"

"What?!?""Yeah, I was fighting Kisame, and Karin was in the woods looking at pictures she had taken of you peeing, and Juugo was petting a caterpillar-he named it Jimmy, it was so hilarious when I squished it-and suddenly Itachi showed up and forced Kisame to leave."

"…Why'd you kill Jimmy?"

"dunno, I was bored. Anyway, it was hilarious! Juugo started crying, than he tried to punch me, but I ran, and than he found another caterpillar. Hang on…"

SPLAT!

"WAAAH! BARTHOLEMEW!"

"Okay, Bartholomew's dead. Oh fuck, he's pissed off, gotta run!"

As Suigetsu ran, he dropped the phone, which Karin immediately picked up.

"SASUKEISITYOUOMGILOVEYOUWHEREAREYOU!" Karin screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Karin, listen very carefully, I need you to get Suigetsu-"

"Sasuke, I think we should take our relationship to the next level."

"We have a relationship?!?!?"

"Oooh, that feels so good…"

"Karin, NO! NO! I NEED HELP! NO!"

"I'm sending a picture."

"Karin, where is Sui-OH MY GOD! THAT'S SICK! OH GOD! BLEARRRGH!!!!"

Sasuke was vomiting so hard, he didn't notice Sakura coming from behind him. She grabbed the phone, and angrily yelled into the phone "LISTEN BITCH, SASUKE'S MINE NOW! LAY OFF!"

Sakura crushed the phone and turned to Sasuke. Kakashi immediately appeared behind Sakura, and dragged Sasuke into the torture room.

"Okay, here's the deal. Did you give Orochimaru any data on Konoha?" asked Kakashi.

"No, I swear." lied Sasuke.

"Okay Sakura, come in." yelled Kakashi.

Sakura walked in and started poking Sasuke.

"GRAAAA! HER TOUCH! IT BURNS!" screeched Sasuke.

"DID YOU TELL OROCHIMARU ANYTHING!" said Kakashi again.

"URRRG OKAY, I TOLD HIM THE ADRESSES OF ALL THE CHILDREN AGED 5-12 IN KONOHA, INCLUDING PHONE NUMBERS AND EMAIL ADRESSES!" screamed Sasuke.

"Anything else?" asked Kakashi.

"No, that's allOGODNO!" yelled Sasuke in pure agony as Sakura started licking his face.

"Anything else?" asked Kakashi again.

"ARRRRRG! OKAY, I TOLD HIM ALL OF THE EVENINGS THESE KIDS ARE LEFT ALONE! THAT'S ALL, I SWEAR! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY, STOP THIS MADNESS!" pleaded Sasuke.

Kakashi took out a bag of Sasuke's pubes and threw them out of the window. Sakura promptly leapt out of the window after it.

"Dude, I'm sorry I had to do that, but c'mon. You did sell us out, and It'll take a lot of work to earn back our trust." Explained Kakashi.

Sasuke, angry about his treatment, noticed Konohamaru out the window and chucked a kunai at him. The kunai hit him right in the side of the head, and Konohamaru promptly fell to the ground, violently twitching but eventually lying still, dead.

Kakashi looked back at Sasuke. "Okay, now you'll get a couple of medals. But you're still on thin ice."

Next Chapter: There Are How Many of Us Left!?!?!? The Hunt for Hidan's Head Is Proposed