DISCLAIMER: You recognise something? Well then, that most definitely doesn't belong to me.


NORMAL

Chapter 3

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Few things help an individual more than to share a secret with him, place responsibility upon him, and thus to let him know that you trust him.

Booker T. Washington, American educator, author and leader of the African American community


He didn't know what compelled him to head to the lake instead of walking to the Forbidden Forest, like he had originally planned, or why, when finally there, he started to stroll along its perimeter, but glancing at the surface of the water was strangely addicting, even if it did bring back the worst memories of his life – maybe he really did have some masochistic tendencies like Tonks always had claimed.

He cursed out loud, he just had to mention her name, didn't he? His throat constricted painfully – Tonks, oh Tonks..

She had been fighting at his side at the final battle, till she ran off searching her husband, only to never come back. God, he had been so stupid to let her go, especially as he had promised Remus to keep an eye on her and so to try to keep her out of harm's way. And what had he done instead? He he had let her walk right into the danger, without even trying to stop her.

Therefore, the fact that Teddy Lupin would never get to know his mother was entirely his fault..

He tried to direct his thoughts elsewhere while he concentrated again on the surface of the dark water, but now that his mind had started to relive that particular night there was no stopping it.

When it all had ended he had been one of the few ones still fighting on the grounds and not in the Great Hall observing the final battle. He had remained near the lake till the last Death Eaters had been beaten or escaped, and afterwards, when there was nobody left to fight and nothing else to do, he had started to pull the cadavers out of the water, trying to gauge how many lives had been lost. If he closed his eyes he could still smell the odour of burned wood mixed with that of burned flesh, hear the defeating silence that had followed the battle cries hitting his eardrums painfully, feel the ice cold water close around him as he immersed himself into it to pull out the dead.

At that time he hadn't even considered using magic – it just seemed disrespectful, as if a "Mobilcorpus" would disrupt their seemingly peaceful sleep. Only afterwards did he realise that nothing would have been able to wake them from their eternal sleep.

His heart had constricted even more painfully as it dawned on him that all the corpses he had pulled out of the water were nothing compared to the number of ones he saw lying around on the grounds as he made his way back to the castle. And as gruesome as it sounds, having to identify people just by their robes (as their faces were too disfigured to recognise) was still better than having to stare into their wide open eyes, that still held all the fear they had felt as they saw a green flash advance towards them.

Sometimes he just wished he could oblivate himself.

Taking his eyes from the even surface of the cold water to look ahead, he stopped dead in his tracks. He hadn't expected to meet anyone so far from the school and thus he was even more surprised by the sight that met his eyes: There, only a few feets away from him, sat a girl, no, a young woman, as if she was rooted to that exact spot, staring completely motionless right ahead of her, seemingly dead to the rest of world.

It wasn't so much her looks that entranced him and prevented him from walking on and simply passing her, but more the atmosphere surrounding her. She seemed to emit a strange sadness, tingeing the air and nature around her with so much melancholy that it seemed palpable and made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

He couldn't take his eyes of her, afraid she would simply dissolve into thin air and turn out to be just a figment of his fleeting imagination, proving finally that he had really lost it. With her pale skin, shimmering brown hair and billowing black robes, she looked strangely ethereal, more like a goddess or some sort of nymph than a mere human being, especially as he couldn't believe that such a sad creature could be from this world.

Suddenly she turned her head and stared straight at him. A smile appeared on her face, though he noticed it didn't reach her beautiful big brown eyes, filled with so much hurt and desperation that it took his breath away. As if she had noticed that he didn't buy her fake cheerfulness, her smile faltered and dropped as quickly from her face as it had appeared on it.

"Hello Kingsley! Or should I be calling you Minister?" she whispered and strangely her words carried through the blowing wing as if she had spoken right into his ear and he couldn't help but shudder a little bit. Just as he coudn't help but be enchanted with the movement her beautiful rosy pink lips made to pronounce his name.

It took him a few seconds to realise what she had said and even longer to recognise her voice. And as it finally penetrated his thick skull exactly who he was talking to he couldn't believe it. It just couldn't be her.

"Hermione?!" he half asked, half exclaimed completely surprised.

At her raised eyebrow he added hastily: "Sorry, but for a moment I didn't recognise you.." So much for stating the obvious... he thought to himself.

He paused again, staring at her, trying to grasp the fact that the ethereal looking figure from earlier was in fact the somewhat plain girl he knew for over three years.

Finally he continued: "And Kingsley is fine, honestly I can't stand people calling me by my title and not by my name, it's just ridiculous! And I think riding a Thestral together has definitely qualified you to be one of the selected few allowed to call me by my given name."

He winked at her and started to approached her cautiously, still not completely comfortable with the idea of her being the mysterious woman from earlier. He stopped right next to her and motioned to the ground beside her. As she realised what he was mutely asking she nodded, allowing him to sit down next to her. Her breath hitched slightly as he lowered himself so near her that their bodies were touching. She could feel him right next to her, his warmth and scent enveloping her, making her strangely dizzy.

Boy did he smell good.

Though, she had to admit that after sharing a small tent with two teenage boys for a year, everything that didn't smell of sweat and penetrating deodorant was already fragrant. Still, his perfume was definitely above the average good odour and she was trying hard to control herself and not lean closer and take a long sniff.

Pulling herself together, after all this was only Kingsley, she looked him straight in the eyes again and asked: "So.. what brings you to Hogwarts?"

Her brown eyes were really beautiful – how strange he hadn't noticed it before. Had he ever even taken the time to look her straight into the eyes? Probably not, as he surely would remember them being so incredible brown. It was like staring into pools of sweet, melted, dark chocolate, he could get lost in, dreaming of being able to immerse himself in them. He unconsciously licked his lips. He simply loved dark chocolate...

Smacking himself mentally he noticed she was waiting for some kind of reaction from him, and so he finally answered her vaguely: "This and that..." What had her question even been? He hoped to have guessed right, and she really wanted to know why he was at Hogwarts, because if she had asked something else (for example how he had been) than he had officially made a complete fool of himself.

She searched his eyes for something and then, having apparently found whatever it was she was looking for, she turned to gaze back at the lake and mumbled softly: "You know if you can't or don't want to tell me why you're here, just say so."

He didn't know what to reply to that, relieved that his intuition hadn't abandoned him, so he kept silent, directing his gaze too to the lake.

He couldn't tell how long they just sat there in comfortable silence looking straight ahead, and it wasn't really important either. Time seemed to have stopped, it just wasn't important anymore; right then, right there nothing was important. It was just the two of them, two individuals sitting on the lakeside completely lost in their respective contemplations.

Suddenly he felt her move and form the corner of his left eye he saw her getting ready to stand up and leave. A sudden sense of panic he couldn't really explain took hold of him.

He didn't want her to leave, didn't want to be left alone with his depressing memories – he hadn't felt so calm and carefree as he felt right now for a long time he wasn't willing to allow her to end it already, so he blurted out the first thing he could think of:

"Minerva's going to retire." Shit!

That definitely wasn't something he was supposed to tell a student, but it had the desired effect – she settled back.

"What?" Hermione asked, completely surprised. She had been ready to leave, getting uncomfortable with the prolonged silence, as he had decided to speak up again, although what he said didn't make much sense.

"You asked me why I'm here and that's the reason. Minerva wants to retire. She wrote me this morning asking me to come over so she could tell me." He elaborated.

"Oh" was all she could think of to say. Really eloquent for the brightest witch of her age..

"I wasn't really supposed to tell anyone, least of all a student – so please keep it to yourself." He continued as if he was adding a mere afterthought, and not making sure that the next time he met Minerva she wouldn't want to behead him.

"Sure"

And even if he didn't know her all that well he was completely certain that she would keep to her promise and refrain from telling anyone else.

It felt strangely liberating talking to her, so he went on: "And you also shouldn't tell anyone that she wants to ask Pomfrey to be her successor."

She turned her head to look at him sharply. Pomfrey

Why was he even telling her all this? Should she dare to ask?

In the end all she did say was a simple "Of course". Because really, if he wanted to tell her, who was she to stop him? And maybe there was a reason why he was entrusting her with all this information, how could she know?

He didn't really know what drove him to say what he said next, maybe it was that he felt as if for the first time in a very long while he was talking and not just speaking, or maybe it was because she was listening and not just hearing, most likely, however, it was simply a combination of both factors. One of these moments when everything fell perfectly together, a at-the-right-time-at-the-right-place-situation, where you were compelled to say or do things you normally would never even dream of, but right then it seemed the logical and right procedure. And so he spoke:

"She said, Minerva that is, that she's too tired, that she simply can't continue to carry all the responsibilities for the school, that they burden her too much... And I understand that, really, I do, and of course I respect her choice.. But honestly! We all got so much to bear right now... It's normal, we just finished being at war, there are still so many Death Eaters on the run, so many buildings to rebuild, so many wounds to heal.. What did she expect? Everything going back to normal as soon as the Dark Lord was no more? ... You know, it wasn't even so much what she said that got under my skin, but how she said it. It sounded like she was the only one suffering from the losses, the only one tired.. Does she really think it's easier for me? Just because I'm younger? Or because I don't show it? Because it isn't! I'm tired too! I too have lost people I love! I too have seen people dying in front of my eyes without being able to save them..."

He stopped his tirade only because he was getting short on air. Tired he rubbed the bridge of his nose. Why was he even telling her all this? It wasn't her business and she hadn't wanted to hear it, but once he had started he just couldn't stop. The words had just flown out of his mouth and he could do absolutely nothing to hold them back. He felt strangely lighter now, as if an incredible heavy weight had been lifted of his shoulders.

It was so obvious she hadn't the slightest idea how to react to his little outburst or what to say, but it was fine like that. He preferred her speechlessness to some empty words she didn't really believe herself.

They lapsed again into silence, though it was broken sooner than he thought by her low murmur.

"I don't love Ron."

At first he wasn't sure if he had heard her right, but before he could ask her to repeat herself she continued:

"Ginny expects us to get married right after graduation. He, Ron I mean, probably believes that too. Honestly I think everybody thinks we're going to do it, well, except for my parents, but they don't even know they have a daugther, so I guess that doesn't really count anyway... " here she paused, a painful expression contorting her beautiful features.

Her parents don't remember having a daugther? What was she talking about? How could you forget having a child? But again before he could open his mouth to ask she went on.

"I don't want to marry him! I don't love him! I know I should, because he's nice, and sweet, he cares about me and respects me, and he'd always be there for me and help me wherever he could. He'd be a perfect husband, loving and caring ... and who doesn't want a perfect husband? ... But I can't, I just can't – the thought of marrying somebody I don't really love just makes me sick. And I tried to love him, I really tried, but it just doesn't work! And I know I should tell him, but then I'll break his heart and he doesn't deserve that... But even if I don't tell him, sooner or later he's going to notice it on his own, 'cause I'm not that good as an actress to fool him for long... Honestly I wonder how he didn't perceive it till now... And when he finally notes it, it's gonna hurt him even more, because then I'll have lied to him and led him on.. He doesn't deserve to be hurt by me, he has done nothing wrong!"

It was like a dam had broken and every thought and emotion she had bottled up in the last months had now broken free and revealed itself, and she could do nothing, absolutely nothing to stop the words of coming out of her mouth, nor could she stop the tears that were starting to fall.

"It's all my fault... All my fault! I'm going to hurt him whatever I do.. And the worst is, I still don't know what I'm going to do! I'm still waiting a perfect solution to just pop up.. I know it's foolish and it's not going to happen, and that I'm just waisting time.. But I can't help myself, I just don't want to hurt me, because even if I don't love him as a boyfriend, I still love him like a brother and a best friend.. He doesn't deserve to be hurt, just because I'm not able to love him back like he should be loved!"

She was openly weeping now, and that in front of a complete stranger; well, nearly complete stranger and her embarrassment only made the tears flow faster.

Kingsley, on the other hand didn't know what to do, he had never been good at dealing with crying females, usually being the one to make them cry after breaking their hearts and so he just stared at her trying to decide what was appropriate to say and how he could calm her down.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you this, it has nothing to do with you and you obviously don't want to hear it, and I know you already have enough to worry about without having to deal with a hysterical female, but it's just..." here she hiccuped loudly, "It's just.. I have nobody to talk to and... And I just miss my mum so much... And I... I... I just want my mummy!"

And with that Hermione completely broke down, not caring about how childish she had just sounded, and something in Kingsley snapped.

He reached for her, pulling her onto his lap, hugging her tightly and starting to slowly rock her back and forth, alternating between rubbing small circles along her back with one hand and stroking her hair with the other as she continued to weep against his chest.

As hugging didn't seem enough to calm her he began murmuring in a soothing voice that everything was going to be alright again, that things would get easier eventually and that in the end all would be good again and she would be able to live a happy and normal life. But if he had to be completely honest with himself he wasn't sure for whose sake he was saying all these things, hers or his own...


A/N: So first of all a big thanks to all of you who read this and reviewed!

I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, but on the other hand I haven't been happy with the earlier ones as well (this story just doesn't want to go the way I want it to) so I'll probably just have to get used to it...

Well, anyway I hope I portrayed them in a believable way and they are still in character – the whole emotional-breakdown-part was kind of difficult, cause I didn't want them to sound whiny (I really don't think that's a character trait of eighter one of them), but just overstrained with all that happened and the fact that they are not able to cope with it, as they don't want to seem week or frail. It's actual quite a common profile to deal with things for people who have a lot of responsibilities and when we discussed it in my psychology course last week I thought it fitted Hermione and Kingsley perfectly. They want to keep up the façade of being strong and perfectly in control for the rest of the world, as if people would think less of them if they showed the sorrow and pain they feel and if you bottle your emotions up for too long they tend to come out at the strangest moments.

Please review!