DISCLAIMER: Don't own Harry Potter!
NORMAL
Chapter 4
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We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.
Anais Nin, Cuban-French author
"We have an audience" Ginny suddenly announced nodding her head towards the Head table.
Hermione turned her head too, immediately catching Kingsley's eyes with hers.
He seemed to be deep in thought, although she couldn't fully read the look he was giving her, it made her feel a little bit uneasy. Whatever was he thinking about? Still she smiled gratefully at him, remembering how caring and understanding he had been that afternoon, before averting her gaze back to her plate.
Now it was her turn to be deep in thought, but she hadn't really a chance to start contemplating, before Ginny spoke up again.
"What was that all about?" she asked curiously.
"What?" Hermione answered confused.
"Right now. You and Shacklebolt. What was that about?"
"Nothing!" she cringed at her own protective tone, which made sure that Ginny believed that there most definitely was something. But honestly, why did Ginny always have to have her nose around in things that weren't her business anyway?
"Oh believe me I know what nothing looks like and, even more importantly, I know what nothing sounds like, and that most definitely was not nothing." As Hermione didn't grace her with an answer she continued "Come oooon! Hermione, tell me... Please? ... Pretty, pretty please? I'm your best friend, if you can't tell me, who can you tell??"
How a 17 year old could pull off the-fife-year-whining-tone as good as Ginny would forever remain a mystery to her, but she tried to make her back off again: "It's really nothing!"
As Ginny only continued to stare at her with an unfaltering gaze, clearly not buying it, Hermione decided to relent, and at least tell her something to get her off her back. And after all, Ginny was her best friend, and she had been reminded what happened when she kept things for herself just that afternoon.
Trying to decide how much she actually wanted to tell Ginny and how she could phrase it so that she wasn't outright lying, she started with a simple and absolute true statement: "It really was no big deal, we met on the grounds and talked for a little bit."
"No big deal? Ignoring the fact that you were talking to the Minister, which in itself is no everyday occurrence, whatever you were talking about made you cry and judging from how red and bloodshot your eyes still are, you cried quite a lot. So don't try to tell me it was nothing important, because obviously it was."
Hermione touched her eyelids self-consciously, only realising how she had to look as she felt how puffy and swollen they felt.
"You didn't seriously think I'd believe that you look like you do just because the wind was blowing while you were taking your walk outside? I mean honestly, you couldn't come up with a lamer excuse even if you tried" Ginny continued.
"I.." Hermione didn't really know what to say, too preoccupied looking at Harry and Ron, sitting on the bench opposite her silently discussing something. Had they noticed too?
Ginny, reading her worried glance towards the two boys right in front to them, snorted. "Honestly, Hermione! They're boys. Of course they haven't noticed."
"Uhh... right. Thanks."
"So you were telling me about this afternoon." Ginny prodded on.
Hermione quickly gathered her thoughts and elaborated: "You see after our conversation I needed some fresh air and so I went outside to take a walk." Well, that was definitely true.
"I was sitting by the lake, when Kingsley came along." Still no lie.
"We started talking and I don't know... the things he told me – they got to me... You know there's still so much going on... There are still so many people out there missing, and I... I just had to think about my parents – I miss them so much!" A little far-fetched as she hadn't solely cried, because she missed her parents, but still true. Wow, she was getting really good at this.
She was pulled out of her musings by Ginny's "Oh, Hermione!"
"I'm sorry, I know it's silly..." she started, only to be immediately interrupted.
"Hermione it's not silly! You haven't seen or heard your parents in over a year – it's natural that you miss them! And you have nothing to be sorry about, nothing of this is you fault!"
"No?" Hermione asked slightly incredulous. How could it be anything but her fault? She was the one to send them off to the other side of the world, she was the one to rob them of their memories and any recollection of ever having had a daughter...
"Of course not! It's all Kingsley's fault" Ginny exclaimed.
"What?" she asked, taken completely by surprise by Ginny's absurd statement. Just how could this be Kingsley's fault?He didn't even know about her parents...
"It's obviously Kingsley's fault! He shouldn't have talked about the problems the ministry is having at the moment. Those are his problems and he shouldn't be bothering you with them. For heavens sake, this doesn't regard you, or any of us for that matter! We've been through enough, we don't need to be loaded with this too! He should have been more considerate!"
"Ginny!" she exclaimed outraged, trying hard to control the volume of her voice. The last thing she wanted was to attract the attention of someone else. Not sure on how to continue and if it would be such a good idea to defend Kingsley and so further Ginny's suspicions that something else had happened, she finally said: "How can you say something like that? How can you even think something like that!? I'm no porcelain doll, you have to put on a shelf! I don't have to be shielded from reality! I know we've been through a lot, I was there – remember? But that just proves that I don't break easily!"
"Well, you obviously broke down today, didn't you?" she shot back, without missing a beat.
Hermione just gaped at her, completely dumbfounded. Was this really Ginny?
"I know it's not easy to recognise your own limits, especially if you are an overachiever like yourself, but the war is over now. We don't have to be worried anymore. We can finally go back to live a normal life."
Seeing how Hermione was about to contradict her she continued quickly: " There, there! Just eat something, you haven't had anything decent all day long! And then lets go to the common room, I think you should have an early night this evening. Sleep will do you some good, and you'll see when you wake up again everything will be alright."
And with that Ginny showed another spoon full of mashed potatoes on her plate and she could do nothing but stare wide-eyed at her younger friend, thinking: When the hell did she become so much like Mrs. Weasley? And seriously: 'go to sleep and tomorrow everything will be alright'? Does she think I'm three?
Even if she had been send to sleep early by Ginny as soon as they reached the Common Room, now lying in bed she couldn't bring herself to close her eyes.
She couldn't help but feel embarrassed about what had happened that afternoon. She had always been so proud of herself for being calm and collected in all situations.
Well, she knew she wasn't always rational thinking – there was a reason for her being in Gryffindor and not Ravenclaw after all. And the whole devil-plant-incident back in first year had been a dead giveaway that thinking rational in an emotional draining situation didn't come natural to her. But she had taught herself to keep a cool head in every situation and she had been successful, so successful in fact, that she had fooled even herself into believing she had outgrown her impulsiveness.
She had always admired her father for being so calm and collected when things became difficult. Her mum always referred to him as a steady rock, a safety net, someone they could always rely on to calm her down when she was being irrational, to make everything alright again.
Hermione had always wanted to be a rock too, someone able to pull out of her sleeve backup plans and she had worked hard to become just like that, hating herself every time she allowed her temper to overrule the perfect image she was trying to create. Oh, how she despite herself when her temperament showed itself through stubbornness or her silly fights with Ron. And she still cringed thinking back how she had lost every ounce of collection and aloofness when she had shouted at Prof. Treawleney or had slapped Malfoy, instead of acting like the sovereign and better person she was trying to be and just walking away.
And that afternoon had proved once again that she could bottle up her emotion as much as she wanted, sooner or later they always found a way to come out.
She turned around in her bed, now staring out of her window, contemplating why she had to take so much after her mother. Oh mummy..
Fed up with the whole not-sleeping-and-thus-thinking-too-much-business, she threw her bed cowers off and left, maybe stretching her legs would help her shut her thoughts down.
"So we meet again.."
Startled she turned around, surprised she hadn't heard the stranger approach.
Seeing who it was she turned around again to look at the night sky, only murmuring "Apparently" as a greeting.
"Soooo... You stalking me?" he drawled, a teasing lint in his voice.
The corner of her mouth quirked in amusement and she answered: " Shouldn't I be the one asking that? Seeing as you were the one seeking me out and disrupting my peace?"
"Ah, that may be true, but I have no reason to look for you; you on the other hand... well let's just say that I understand were you're coming from, I'm after-all the new minister, intelligent, competent, witty, handsome, attractive,.."
At her snort he trailed off.
"Conceited much?" she asked bemused.
"Nah, just a tad. Comes with the job requirement and with finding out that you're secretary is so obsessed with you that she founded a fan-club and is nicking of your bitten pencil and pens and saves every note you write." He told her while moving to stand next to her at the railing of the tower.
"That's kind of scary.. Do you realise how many potions alone she could make using your saliva?"
"Oh I do." , he shuddered overdramatically, " But she's a Hufflepuff through and through, hasn't a conning or manipulating bone in her body. And her Potion OWLs were disastrous, I wonder how she convinced Snape to even let her take them."
After a few minutes he turned to look at fully and asked her: "What are you doing here at this hour anyway?"
"You know I could ask you the same thing." She told him evasively.
"You could, but that doesn't change that I asked you first."
She turned to face him, surprised to find him standing next to her, she was really getting too sloppy at the whole constant-vigilance thing, the war may have ended but they still weren't save from attacks. Pushing those depressing thoughts to the very back of her consciousness, she asked teasingly: "What are you? Five?"
"Actually I turned 32 about six month ago" he told her smugly, then turning serious he continued: "Come on tell me why you aren't tucked away sleeping in your dorm, like you're supposed to. You know as repaying me for not taking you to some teacher as I ought to do with students I find wandering around in the wee hours of the morning."
"I'm not wandering and you're not supposed to be about the castle at this hours either. You shouldn't even be on Grounds anymore!" she told him defensively.
"That may be true, but those are just technicalities and, after all, I am the Minister" he told her smirking gleefully.
"So you're saying that as Minister you're above the rules?" she asked, raising an eyebrow skeptically, "Shouldn't you as Minister set a good example and follow the rules?"
"You mean like you, as Head Girl, are doing right now?" he asked back now grinning smugly and raising his own eyebrows in question.
"Touché." She told him faltering slightly.
"Don't worry we aren't really breaking the rules anyway, we're just bending them, I'm still here because I just finished doing something I couldn't do before, and you're not out alone after hours, 'cause, obviously, I'm here."
"You do realise that nobody is going to buy that, right?"
"Oh don't be so pessimistic, the only person that would give you detention regardless of my alibi, would be Snape, and thank god, he isn't around anymore."
Her breath caught in her throat and she only manage to rasp out: "Yeah thank god.." and quickly averted her wet eyes to rome over the grounds, hoping he hadn't noticed the catch in her tone. Harry had done his best to clear Snape's name, but people had a hard time to overcome their yearlong prejudice concerning him, as the deeds he had done to maintain his Death Eater cover, especially the one he had committed were she was standing right now, were still fresh in people's minds.
Kingsley seemed to eithter not notice her discomfort or decide that that wasn't a conversation that he wanted to lead at the moment and just continued grinning at her.
"Don't think you distracted me enough to not notice that you still haven't answered my question: What are you doing up here?"
She shrugged, still not looking at him and finally mumbled noncommittally: "Jus' thinking"
He followed her gaze into the night, letting his eyes too take in the spectacular view, while focusing on nothing and everything at the same time.
After a few minutes he broke the silence again: "You coming here often? To think, I mean."
"No, it's the first time I've been up here since..." she trailed off biting her lip, not sure if she was ready to utter those words where she was standing, but as it was she hadn't to finish her sentence as Kingsley finished it for her: "Since he died"
A silent "Mhm" was the only response he got from her.
He looked around the perimeter of the platform they were standing on and asked, before he could stop himself: "You know where exactly it happened?"
"Is that really important?" She shot back and just as he was about to open his mouth and answer her she went on, "But no, I don't know. Harry never told me, and I never asked. I don't want to press him about that, it's still such a sore subject for him, so I just steer clear from it. If you want to know it so badly," and now a angered and bitter tone swept into her voice, "you can ask Ginny; maybe she knows. Afterall she's Harry's girlfriend and he tells her absolutely everything."
It was his turn to raise his eyebrows at the sneer and amount of bitterness that covered her face as she muttered the last sentence more to herself than to him.
"Ah no, it's not so important to go around and question people I barely once talked to about it.. and for what it's worth, I don't think they're getting much talk done anyway."
He laughed outright at the look of horror that filled her face, as she finally understood what he meant, her naivety was endearing.
"Ewww! I so didn't want to hear that and Harry's not the type!"
"Oh please! He's eighteen.. Guys that age, well guys in general if we're honest, have better things to do with their girlfriends than talk to them." He enjoyed the disgruntled look in her eyes so much that he continued teasing her, "Just think about you and your boyfriends; are you ever just talking?"
And with that the light mood that had been between them vanished and she stiffened next to him.
Oh shit! How could he forget, when just that afternoon she had cried on his shoulder about the problems she had with that Weasley boy and he had to go and mention him? How stupid could he possibly get?
"I'm sorry." He told her sincerely. "It just slipped out, I didn't mean to upset you or anything – honestly I didn't mean anything by it, I don't even know why I said it, it obviously was totally out of line.."
"It's ok" she said to interrupt his babbling.
"It is?"
"Well, no, not really, " she sighted wearily, "but you didn't do it on purpose and you're sorry, so.." she shrugged again.
"Of course I'm sorry! And it won't happen again! I promise." He offered with the lightest hint of mischief in his tone.
Picking it up she asked as seriously as she could: "Cross you heart and die?"
"Of course! Swear it on my boyscout honour and all that!" He told her smiling, happy she was still in the mood to tease him.
"You were a boyscout?" she asked surprised, trying to picture him as a small boy in a beige-green uniform.
"Well.. no. But that doesn't mean I want to smudge their honour by breaking my promise, now does it?"
At that she laughed out loud, but didn't answer in any other way, letting the conversation die out again.
After a while the wind started picking up more and she shivered, her thin summer robes, not warm enough for a September night in Scotland.
Kingsley noticing her shivering took out his wand and muttered a quick warming-charm.
"Thanks I left my wand in the dorm."
He nodded, not reproaching her for being so thoughtless as to leave her wand behind; she was bright enough to realise how stupid she'd been anyway.
So instead he asked: "Are you going to tell me, why you came all the way up here just to think? Couldn't you do it in your Common Room, I'm sure it is deserted at this hour – there you'd have your peace, it'd be warm and cosy and you wouldn't have to worry to being found."
After a moment she answered: "The stars."
At his questioning and slightly confused look she elaborated: " I wanted to see the stars, and this is the Astronomy Tower for a reason, it's the best place to look at them."
As his eyebrows remained raised and he continued to look like he still didn't understand her reasoning she went on.
"I suppose it's a Muggle thing I got from my father, the obsession with the stars and the universe and all there is in space. I think better when I'm looking at the stars, they relativise my problems."
He looked even more confused than before so she sighted, not entirely sure if she'd be able to find the right words to make him see what she meant.
"When I was little and upset my father used to take me outside in our backyard at night. He would spread out some sort of blanket and we'd be sitting or lying on it drinking hot chocolate while looking at the stars.
"He'd be telling me the names of some constellations or galaxies or such and at some point he'd always turn serious and tell me to just look at how many stars I saw, even encouraging me to count as many as I wanted, and then telling me that all those stars still didn't even make a fourth of the whole universe.
We humans often forget just how big the universe is, because we only know our own planet, and it's the same thing with our problems. We get so worked up about some silly little problems we have, that we lose sight of the overall picture.
And if we stop for just a second, take a moment to look at all those stars we'll realise just how small and insignificant we are and how utterly stupid and petty it is to worry if our neighbours or classmates like us, to be upset about a bad grade, to be sad that only three kids from the twenty you invited actually turned up at your birthday party..."
She trailed off, realising how much of her childhood she had revealed, her cheeks tinging pink.
"Fact is," she continued, trying to smooth over her embarrassment, "all our problems, are just that: problems. They're nuisances, bothersome, nag us, but can be solved. Dad was convinced that life only throws things our way that we can manage... He used to say that that is also the reason why we still haven't had any contact with species out there," she swept her hand in the direction of the sky, "we aren't ready for it, not yet anyway.
"He was such a geek about it, so many Muggles are.. As a child I was fascinated, enraptured by his believe, then I grew older and started to listen to him only halfheartedly, smiling and nodding along, amused by his antics; but now... now that he isn't around anymore.. I don't know.."
She broke off her reminiscent tone had slowly turned more and more depressed. But this time he didn't try to change the subject to make her smile again, instead he lightly touched her shoulder so that she turned to look him in the eyes and asked quietly: "What happened to your parents?" dreading the answer.
She seemed genuinely surprised as she asked back: "You don't konw?"
He just shook his head in negative.
"Oh..." She murmured. "I thought everyone knew..."
She sighted, pushing some stray curls behind her ear and looking at the night sky again.
"When I asked them to go into hiding just over a year ago, they wouldn't do it , at least not without me.. but I couldn't just go with them, couldn't just up and leave, I had to help Harry.. but, on the other hand, I couldn't not do anything about them either, they'te my parents and they were a target – still are – and I couldn't risk to loose them... So I took their memories of me, of our life, of wizards, witches and magic.. even took their names and convinced them to move to Australia and start a new life there... don't know what happened since then.. don't even know where in Australia they are. For all I know they could have moved again, or..."
Her voice broke and some tears rolled down her cheeks.
"Or be dead" she finished chocking the words out like it physically hurt her to pronounce them.
Angrily she wiped away the tears with the back of her hand, rubbing her eyes dry – she wasn't going to cry again – one breakdown a day was more than enough.
She turned to face Kingsley forcing a smile. "I'm going to head back, afterall tomorrow I've got school and it's already" she glanced down at her watch, "half past three! Huh! Who'd have thought?"
"Well it was well past one when I found you here.."
"It was? Oh.. well.. I guess this is goodbye then.." she shifted akwardly; was she supposed to hug him? Shake his hand? Just turn around and leave? Bothered, she bit her lower lip.
"You're right, it's late and I really should have left already hours ago." He turned around and went to the door leading back inside.
"Come on I'm going to take you back to Gryffindor Tower, can't have you roming the school at this hour all on your own and without even a wand to fight off the big bad guys that are lurking in the shadows, now can I?" He turned his head, throwing her a silly grin over his shoulder. Then, realising she was still leaning against the railing making no movement to follow him, he frowned: "You waiting for better times?"
She shook her head a smile appearing on her face as she caught up to him.
Walking beside him she asked: "So now I'm the damsel in distress that needs to be saved and protected?"
He laughed and replied: "Well let me think that through: You were standing all alone and defensless on top of a tower in the middle of the night, completely lost in your thoughts and with no means to protect yourself? Yup, definetly damsel in distress."
"And I was just sooo lucky that you found me, my strong protector!" she drawled sarcastically.
His grin twitched. "Now you're getting it, never ever take such luck for granted!"
"So my dear prince charming, where's your big, impressive white horse?" she asked turning around to look for it.
"Ah.. didn't know you were so much into details, next time I'll bring Gustav along and just to stay in theme I'll even climb the tower with only the help of your hair as a rope."
"Gustav? You called your big, impressive white horse Gustav?"
"What ever is wrong with Gustav? It's a strong name, a kings name – I think Swedens king is called Gustav – and to top it off it's a skandinavian name, therefore a fear-inspiring name."
It was her turn to laugh only to stop consciously as they reached the end of the tower and entered the more patrolled halls of the castle. It really wouldn't do for the Head Girl to be found out of her dorm already the second school night. Kingsley probably thought so too, as he didn't even try to iniciate another conversation. They made their way all across Hogwarts in complete silence, even trying to keep their steps as light as possible.
Arrived at the ingress to Gryffindor Tower, she bit her lip again feeling akward – how was she supposed to say goodbye?
She turned to face Kingsley, but had not enough courage to look him right in the eyes. God she hated situations in which she didn't know what to do.
"Soo.." she started "we're here..." she finished, after thinking and not finding something better to say.
"Yes we are." He conceded, laughter easily heart in his voice.
His gaze moved to the portraited behind her.
"You plan on going in?" he asked her after a few moments in which Hermione didn't say or do anything.
"Uhh.. yes.. sure.. just.." her cheeks turned pink again, making his smile widen "Just wanted to say goodbye and thank you, you know for this afternoon" her cheeks turned a even darker shade of pink, "and well for listening.. so thanks, I guess."
Oh, this was embarassing.
He was grinning from ear to ear by now and just shrugged. "Your welcome and thank you too."
He was about to move forward to give her quick hug and see if she could get even more flustered when a third voice spoke up:
"Oh you're so not making out infront of me! Enough that you dared to wake me up with your chatting, you know there are people who actually enjoy their sleeping and who need their beauty sleep! And you missy! Do you even realise how late it is, or should I say how early? Being out all this time with a boy! You should really set a better example being Head Girl... you know in my time such beheviour was not only totally inapropriate and inacaptable, but also severly punished! And" she looked at Kingsley more closely, "isn't he a bit old for you?"
Her eyes narrowed "You're not some new teacher are you? Because if you are I really have no other choice but to tell the Hedmistress. We do not tollerate Teachers seducing poor, unsuspecting students here at Hogwarts, I'll tell you!"
She looked at Kingsley expectantly and he shook his head trying his hardest to look demurly and affronted at the thought of a student-teacher-relationship, and not letting the laughter that was bubbling inside of him break out.
"No techer ma'am"
She continued to scrutinize him for another few moments. "I belive you. But I'll ask around and if I find out that you are afterall a techer and that you lied in my face..."
She left the treat unfinished probably not able to think what she could do as a drawing.
"I think it'd be best for me to be going now.. Goodbye" he said to the Fat Lady, and turning his gaze to Hermione he added "And goodnight."
He turned on his heel and left.
"You know" the portrait continued after a short moment still staring where Kingsley just turned a corner "he may be a tad old for you, honey, but I can see why you'd pick him over the silly, hormonal boys you find around here.. a real man that one is.. and soo good looking too. Proves you have some tasted after all! I was worried about you as you seemed so atracted to that red haired, freckled boy - really can't see what you saw in that one.. Thankfully just a phase thought.."
Hermione just rolled her eyes muttered the password and swept past the silly old bint.
A/N: Big thanks to Mini-Chobi and Greekchic!
Please review!
