Next: Chapter Seven: Deer Can Bite?!?!? The hunt for the head begins!
"Okay, this is the last area Hidan was seen." Said Kisame, pointing at a bunch of woods.
"YAY! Other trees!" Yelled Zetsu. Zetsu marched up to one of the trees and began talking to it. "Okay, here's the deal" Said White Zetsu. "The trees say that there is an army of deers, squirrels, chipmunks, and all other manner of cute foresty folk that are guarding the head. More importantly, though, the chipmunks have been eating all of the nuts! This is seri-"
"Hey, look! Tobi sees a baby deer! Hello!"
Tobi, in full throttle cuddle mode, began advancing on the fawn. The fawn looked at Tobi with bambi eyes, but when he made it to hugging distance, its eyes glowed red!
"WAAAAA! WHY! WHY DID THE DEER BITE OFF TOBI'S LEG!!! WHY!!"
Kisame immediately took out his sword, and was about to shred the deer when at least two thousand chipmunks descended from the treetops, smothering him.
"OH GOD! THEY'RE IN MY NOSTRILS! ONE OF THEM IS GIVING BIRTH IN MY CORNEAS! WHY!?!?!?! ARRRG!"
Zetsu was about to start taking pictures of the deer nibbling off Tobi's other leg and the chipmunks crawling in Kisame through his nostrils when a deer crept up from behind him and held his arms.
"Wha-" said White Zetsu, but he was interrupted by the swearing of Black Zetsu.
"Dude, the fucking squirrels are here! And they have fucking walnuts! Fuck!"
The squirrels, who numbered in the thousands, were positioned at every angle surrounding Zetsu. Each squirrel had a walnut, and several squirrels were bringing more walnuts. Suddenly, the lead squirrel, ChirUMbuk, stepped up, delivering an inspiring speech.
"CHKIKIKIKIKIK CHKIKIKIKIKIK CHKIKIKIKIKIK. CHKIKIKIKIKIK CHKIKIKIKIKIK, CHKIKIKIKIKIK CHKIKIKIKIKIK CHKIKIKIKIKIK CHKIKIKIKIKIK CHKIKIKIKIKIKCHKIKIKIKIKIK CHKIKIKIKIKIKCHKIKIKIKIKIK(My friends, these people are intruders in the forest. Our great, luxurious forest with all the nuts in the world, where fathers bring their children that we make our poop on when we are bored, where we throw pieces of nuts onto people when they are happy. WILL WE GIVE IT UP? I SAY NO! NO! NO! FOREVER NO!)"
He than spoke the squirrel words that would haunt Zetsu forever.
"CHKIKIKIKIKIK..(ready)"
"CHKIKIKIKIKIK…(aim)"
"CHKIKIKIKIKIKfire at Will!)"
Immediately, Will, the treacherous squirrel spy, was killed. Than the squirrels threw all of their walnuts-many of which had rose thorns glued to them with sap-at Zetsu.
"OH GOD! MY EYES! MY TONGUE! THEY'RE SHOVING THE SPIKED ONES DOWN MY THROAT! SHIT!" screamed White Zetsu.
"HOLY FUCK! NOW THEY'VE CHANGED OUR SUBSCRIPTION TO A SUPPOSITORY! Now we take our meds rectally! Also, THE SQUIRRELS ARE SHOVING NUTS UP MY ASS! GOD, WHY!!!!" roared Black Zetsu.
Suddenly, Tobi, who still had time to save his left leg, had an idea. "Don't worry, guys! Tobi will use the phone you gave him to call Superman! He'll save us!" Tobi than took out an electric shaver, hit several buttons on it, and put it to his mouth. His face being cut, Tobi screamed, and threw the shaver into the air. The shaver flew, and struck ChirUMbuk on the head, rendering him uncoucious. The squirrels paused for a second, giving Zetsu the time he needed to take the pictures. Than he remembered the squirrel menace, and devoured all the squirrels, save for ChirUMbuk, who woke up and escaped. Several of the chipmunks left Kisame to fill in for the squirrels, which let Kisame kill all of the chipmunks left on him and decapitate the deer. After all of the chipmunks were finished off, Zetsu began stitching Tobi's legs back on.
"HOLY FUCK! Those animals are freaking MONSTERS!" Yelled Kisame, still prying chipmunk carcasses from his bodily orfices.
"At least we killed them all." Said White Zetsu. Zetsu than tapped Zetsu on the shoulder.
"What?" asked White Zetsu.
"That." Said Black Zetsu in a defeated voice.
Four trees away from them were twelve thousand herds of deer, at least three hundred thousand chipmunks, five hundred thousand squirrels, several different kinds of raccoons, and many hordes of bugs. ChirUMbuk was sitting at the front on a branch, wearing a hollowed-out nut as a helmet.
"CHKIKIKIKIKIK (bring it, bitches!"
With that noble sentiment, the conflict known by animals as the second Forest Fray (FFII) began.
Thirteen Hours Later…
At long last, ChirUMbuk was dead, having committed suicide in his squirrel bunker. The chipmunks had surrendered when Kisame used Samehada to wipe out their 83rd- and final- wave of troops, but the deer refused to give up until Zetsu ate all of the deer babies. Tobi helped by kicking some of the corpses when he was bored, and going potty in a hole he dug like a big boy.
It was not a pretty site.
Although all were healed(and had lost a good 456 gallons of blood in between them) the Akatsuki had come close to death many, many times. At one point, Kisame's heart stopped, but Tobi somehow saved him by punching the crap out of his knee.
"We…we…did..it..done..head..where.." murmured Zetsu as he passed out.
Tobi, who had been assigned the digger's position, had dug up half the forest, and had finally stumbled on a rockslide. After using his face to break the rocks, he looked inside and found a head, desparately trying to bite its own ears off.
"…Hidan?"
"ABOUT FUCKING TIME, YOU FUCKING FUCKTARD FUCKFUCKS! I'VE BEEN IN THIS FUCKING HOLE FOR THREE FUCKING WEEKS! FUCK! I HAVEN'T FUCKING BEEN ABLE TO CUT ANYBODY FOR JASHIN-SAMA IN WEEKS! FUCK!"
"Well, we're here now Hidan. Tobi didn't miss you, cuz with you not watching your scary shows about death, Tobi gets to watch Spongebob!"
"…Call me Uncle Johnny, you fuck."
Chapter Eight: Stopping Rape and Killing a Child: Pein's and Suigetsu's Assaults Begin!
AU: thanks for being patient, but updates may be scarce. I've got a lot of crap going on right now, so please be patient!!!!! Oh, and THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR REVIEWS!!!!!!
