Chapter Eight: Stopping Rape and Killing a Child: Pein's and Suigetsu's Assaults Begin!
Generic Ninja 8 was pissed. His assigned prisoner, the Uchiha brat who betrayed the village that everyone still loved for some reason, had tried to escape 7 times, kill him 23 times, and commit suicide 89 times since being taken to his first hour of punishment with Sakura. It appeared that he had given up on resisting, and was focused on the task of biting off his toe.
"Man, this sucks. I should have been Generic Pirate 65 on One Piece. At least there there's not a chance of being kill-"
Before he could finish his sentence, Sasuke plunged his newly sharpened toe into Generic Ninja 8's face, instantly killing him.
"Finally! I thought I'd never get away!" Said Sasuke. As he sprinted towards the windows, and thus freedom, he immediately saw a flash of pink.
"Oh fuck," was Sasuke's last, eloquent thought before Sakura knocked him out. She dragged his body to the dungeon with a baggie of sex toys.
Meanwhile…
"GO FASTER, YOU FUCKING ASSFUCKS!" Screamed Karin. She was infuriated. Not only were her chances of stealing Sasuke's innocence jeapordized by his captivity with that evil, pink bitch!-But his own teammates were being unbearably slow!
"But Karin, we've been going at forty-thousand NLPS (Ninja-Leaps-Per-Second) for eight days nonstop! I wanna break!" Whined Juugo. Juugo really needed the break too-it was Fredrick's feeding time.
"Well, I say we're gonna keep going, or I'll feed Suigetsu your little friend." Said Karin, holding up a terrified Fredrick.
"NOOOO! I CAN'T LOOSE ANOTHER CHILD!" Sobbed Juugo as he tripled his pace.
"…Wait, why am I going with you guys? You don't got nothing on me. In fact, I like destroying Juugo's joy, even if it means bug eating." Said Suigetsu.
"If you don't help, I'm posting your Haku audition pictures on the internet." Said Karin calmly, holding up photos of Suigetsu in elaborate dresses and makeup."
"…TRIPLE TIME! LETS MOVE, LET'S MOVE! HUP-TWO-THREE!" Screamed Suigetsu, furiously hoping nobody saw him wet his pants.
Meanwhile once more…
"Hit me" Said Pein. He, Pein, Pein, Pein, and Pein were playing blackjack. Pein was busy hunting for dinner, Konan was setting up camp, and Itachi was blindly looking for the kid he captured on the way to Konoha.
Big Pein was in trouble. He had a five and a Jack. He closed his eyes, and noticed that Pein had Blackjack!
"I fold" said Big Pein. The other Peins immediately followed suit. Pein, swearing, decided to go find Itachi.
"Kid…Kiiid…Come out….I promise I won't torture you again…I mean it this time…" Yelled Itachi as he stumbled through the woods, looking for girl-konohamaru-squad-member (I don't know her name and am too lazy to find out.). girl-konohamaru-squad-member was hiding in some bushes, hoping not to be found by Itachi. Unfortunately, Itachi found an unusually obedient squirrel, and decided that he didn't need girl-konohamaru-squad-member. So he immediately activated the Mangekyo Sharingan.
"AMATERASU!"
The entire forest burst into flames, killing girl-konohamaru-squad-member instantaneously. Unfortunately, Itachi had been facing downwind from the Akatsuki encampment, so the camp-as well as Konan's proudfuly-protected set of 34 billion paper cranes, which was a week from retirement-burst into flames.
After forcing Itachi to eat each and every burnt scrap of paper, Konan turned around to find Pein, dragging with him a screaming lump.
"…What's this?" Asked Konan, looking at the snarling lump. "It looks familiar…"
"FUCKITY FUCK FUCK, YOU FUCK! IT IS I, THE GREAT HIDAN! FUCK, YOU GUYS FUCK! Now, where is my substitute body!" Yelled Hidan's head.
"Tobi came towards us with the head. It took him longer than expected because his legs were on backwards for some reason. Anyway, here's your substitute body." Pein took out some metal rods, shoved them in Hidan's neck, and attatched wheels to them. He than attached a scythe-shaped pipe cleaner to Hidan's forehead.
"…Fuck."
"Anyway, we've located the Kyuubi's apartment." Said Pein, who had just returned from food-hunting. "Also, I found a charred monkey in the bushes that we're eating for dinner tonight!" Oddly, Itachi refused to eat any.
Back in the previous Meanwhile…
"Uhhhhhnnnnn…" Sasuke groaned. When he woke up, he noticed that he was tied up and naked. He also noticed there were candles everywhere, some whips, and several…objects. "OH CRAP! Please let this be a nightmare!!!!" thought Sasuke desperately. Unfortunately, the pain felt all too real when he was whipped.
"Oh Sasuke, I've waited years for this. Now just shut up and lie still!" Roared Sakura as she force-fed him twelve Viagra pills. "Okay, just pretend I'm somewhere else." Thought Sasuke. "I'm at…Great America…killing Itachi…mmm" Sasuke might have been able to stay in his fantasy if Sakura hadn't used the flaming piece of metal to brand a very…delicate place on his body.
"YEEARRRRRGHH!"
Meanwhile, just outside the torture complex…
"I'm not gonna ask you again: where is Sasuke!" roared Suigetsu as he shook the guard of the building up and down.
"No penis. Penis penis small penis, penis no." Said Sai
"Juugo, help me out with this!" Said Suigetsu. Turning around, he saw that Juugo had retrieved Fredrick.
"Hey Juugo, can I see Fredrick?" asked Suigetsu.
"Sure! Isn't he adorable?" Said Juugo, beaming.
Suigetsu picked Fredrick up, put him on a rock, and was about to stomp on him when Juugo started screaming.
"NOOOOOOO! PLEASE DON'T! WHAT DO YOU WANT!"
"Help me interrogate mister falocentric albino, and I'll give you your damn bug back."
Juugo picked him up, and began.
"Hello, good sir. Do you know where Uchiha Sasuke is?"
Sai nodded and pointed at the door next to them.
"Thank you, kind sir."
"Penis no-AARRGGGHHNOPENISARRH!"
These were Sai's last words, as Suigetsu promptly sliced him in half. He picked up Fredrick and tossed him back to Juugo.
"YAAAAY! Hey, wait a sec. Where's Karin?"
"Excuse me…" Said a voice. Stepping out of the shadows, the speaker revealed himself as a young man completely covered by a large overcoat.
"…But your bug is ADORABLE!" Said Shino.
"I KNOW! Do you have any?" asked Juugo proudly.
Shino lifted one inch of his jacket.
"WOW, you have a LOT. We should arrange a playdate!"
Suigetsu sighed, knowing it would be a few hours before they were able to reach Sasuke. He wondered where he was…
Back in the Meanwhile that occurred before this Meanwhile…
"Oh Sasuke, I wish you'd JUST SHUT UP AND ACCEPT YOUR FATE!!!!" Yelled a frustrated Sakura.
"NOOOOO! MY INNOCENCE!" Sasuke had been crying for twenty minutes straight. He didn't get it, why did God hate him?
Suddenly the door flew open. In stormed a very furious Karin.
"OKAY BITCH, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!" She roared.
"Wait. Let's think about this rationally. If you save Sasuke now, will you ever get another chance like this again?" Said Sakura.
To Sasuke's horror, Karin began to nod. "Let's share." Sasuke immediately began to try to bite off his own tongue, but Sakura gagged him. "Don't mind that, he's been doing that all day.
Meanwhile, in a different Meanwhile we haven't even explored yet…
Yawning, Naruto awoke. He turned around to look at the clock.
"Whoa, it's like three o'clock."
He rolled over, and noticed the sleeping Hinata next to him. He remembered their "conversation" the other day and smiled.
"Hinata, wake up!" said Naruto, poking her.
"Uuuuhhhnn…HUH! YOU'RE HERE!?!? IT WASN'T A DREAM!?!?!?" Yelped Hinata.
"Yup, we did it. And after the stuff that happened yesterday, I not only know for sure that you're not a guy, but you're also pretty cute, and nice, an-"
Naruto never got to finish because Hinata began kissing him. Naruto was about to remove the sheets separating them, when suddenly, something flew threw their window.
"FUCK YOU, KYUUBI FUCKER!" Yelled the head that flew through the window. It landed on the table, and began thrashing around.
"FUCK! These damn wheels don't work at all!" yelled Hidan. The pipecleaner on his head suddenly bent down and gouged his eye out.
"FUCK! Well, I've been ordered to delay the kid! What do I fucking do!?!?"
Hidan decided to activate the one remaining body function he could still easily do. He started vomiting up mucus all over Naruto's furniture.
"OH GOD! WHAT THE FUCK!" Yelled Naruto. Hinata was hiding under the covers.
Suddenly, Pein, Pein, Konan, Itachi, Pein, Pein, Pein, and Pein broke into the window.
Pein immediately launched into his evil triumph monologue.
"Well, you fought and fought, but in the end OH MY GOD!! HIDAN, WHAT DID YOU-OH MY GOD!!! Are we interrupting something?"
"YES! I'm trying to get laid!" said Naruto angrily. Hinata nodded in agreement.
Suddenly, there was a knocking on the door, and Tsunade walked in.
"Hello, Narut-EWWW! What's all this sno-EWWW! Put a tie on the door or-Wait, are you Pein?"
"Yes!" several voices responded. Tsunade ran over and hugged each Pein. "THANK YOU!!!"
"…What?"
"You killed Jiraya! How would you guys like to be the guests of honor at our "funeral" tonight!"
"Sure!"
"Ahem.." said Naruto. Everyone turned to him."GET THE HELL OUT!" roared Naruto.
"…Yeah, right. Now about the party…" Began Konan
Naruto signed and began to wonder how Sasuke was doing.
Back in the previous Meanwhile…
Suigetsu, Juugo, and Shino suddenly burst into the torture chamber.
"Sasuke, we found you! Sorry we took so long, but dumbass and ugbo here got talking about bu-OH GOD! EWWWW! KARIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! AND WHO'S THE PINK HAIRED CHICK!!!!"
"…Please kill me."
Next Chapter: The Happiest Day Ever! Jiraya's "Funeral"
