Chapter 9: The Happiest Day Ever! Jiraya's "Funeral"

"HELLOOOOOOOO KONOHA! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!?!?!?!?!" Yelled Gamakichi. He had been hired to entertain at Jiraya's funeral, and he said he would, as long as he was allowed to defecate on the body.

Okay, they kept their end of the bargain, I've kept mine. I gotta excite the crowd! Thought Gamakichi.

Unfortunately, the crowd just wanted to leave and enjoy the festival, or, as the one brain-damaged pervert named Jimbobbery who lived next door to Jiraya called it, "funeral".

"I SAID, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!?!?!?!" yelled Gamakichi.

"…YOU SUCK!"

"BOO"

Outraged, Gamakichi began yelling at the heckler. "Hey, you goddamn sonnovabitch, geddup here before I thrown this dynamite in the crowd." Gamakichi lost his patience and threw the dynamite, blowing away 547 civilians and revealing the heckler to be…

"DAD? WHY!?!?!?"

"It's cause YOU SUCK MOTHERFUCKINGFUCKWADFULLAFUCK!"

"FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!" Yelled Hidan at the swearing frogs.

"Okay, the festival will last for six hours," began Pein, "Pein, Konan, Pein, and Zetsu, you guys will be group one. Me, Kisame, Pein, Itachi, and Pein will be group two. Tobi, you'll be with Hidan."

"Is it because I'm the best one?!?!?!"

"Yes, that must be it!" Said Pein sarcasticly. (note: this line is from Naruto Abridged! Youtube it! It kicks ass!)

"Okay, Hidan, I'm converting you to travel mode, but in order for it to work, you need to sing the transform chant!" Said Tobi.

"FUCK NO I AIN'T SINGING NO CHANT!!!!!"

"Fine, I'll just leave you here, next to the nuns." Said Tobi.

Hidan turned around in fear and saw the nuns, who were giving food to orphans.

"NOOOOO! They'll want me to be nice to the orphans instead of biting off their toes and telling them they suck!"

"THEN SING!!!!" Roared Tobi.

"…T! Time to roll into action! R! Radically rearrange bodily structure! A! Attack, offense, go go go!"

"Yes!" yelled Tobi, who started to dance. "Put more feeling into it, or I"ll donate in your name to a charity."

Sweating, Hidan began to sing faster and louder.

"N! NINJA ABILITIES, TIME FOR BATTLE! S! SUPER-DUPER SPINNING ROLL!"

Hidan tried and fail to spin. "NO! That's it, I'm gonna give this orphan money for medicine and say it's from you!" Said Tobi.

Hidan began singing his heart-or, considering his condition, Medulla Oblongata-out.

"F! FU-FU-FUN T-T-T-TIME("Stop crying!" yelled Tobi) ACTIVATE! O! OOGIDY BOOGIDY BAM! (Tobi giggles, that's the best part of the chant)R! READY EVERYBODY, HERE WE GO! M! ME OH MY, TIME TO FLY!" finished Hidan.

"Okay, now your powers will magically activate!" yelled Tobi. He got some string, put it on Hidan's head, and got out a nail gun, nailing the string to Hidan's forehead.

"…Fuck."

"OOOH! They have a Disney store just through the Acidic-Rusty-Nails-On-The-Ground district! Let's go!" yelled Tobi. He began dragging Hidan's head through the rusty acidic nails.

"Well this isn't so bad." Said Hidan. Tobi than noticed an orphan outside of the Disney store. Bending down, he gave the orphan some money, and said proudly, "That's from both of us!"

Hidan's sobs could be heard throughout the entire store, so it was lucky that nobody else was there. It was a Disney store, after all.

Meanwhile…

"Sasuke! They let you out?!?!?! Yay!" Yelled Naruto at a shivering Sasuke.

"Yes," began Tsunade, "There was an…incident…in the interrogation…and as it is, he could have sued us for much more than he did, but he settled if he was given his freedom…as well as 450 billion Ryu."

"So horrible…So very horrible…WHIP! WHIP! NO! NO! WHIP NO! TUBE NO! AAAH! AAAH! AAAAH!" screamed Sasuke.

"SASUKE I KNOW YOU LIKED IT!" Yelled Karin from the required 700 yards as stated in the restraining order.

"SASUKE COME TO MY HOUSE AND I'LL SHOW YOU MORE!!" Screamed Sakura from the required 5000 yards as stated in her restraining order.

"So…What happened to him?" Naruto asked Suigetsu, Shino, and Juugo. All of them were shaking, and Shino's bugs and Frederick were squirming uncomfortably.

"Wha-what happ-OGOD!" yelled Suigetsu as he vomited at the memory. Juugo started crying and wet his pants. Shino, who was uncontrollably biting off his finger, whispered "you don't want to know."

"O-kay…" said Naruto, looking weirded out. "I'm gonna go visit Hinata at Ichiraku's."

"Have fun," Said Suigetsu, who had stopped vomiting. "We're gonna take Mr. incurably-suicidal-and-emo-and-scarred-for-life to the dango shop for some dangos."

"Oh. What the hell is a dango anyway?"

"It's a round, Japanese sweet on a stick made of beans."

"…That sounds disgusting."

"Eh, the writer's an American, so what are you gonna do." Said Suigetsu as a lightening bolt fell from the sky and struck his head, quickly punishing him for daring to defy the writer.

Meanwhile…

"Okay, so where are we going?" Asked Kisame. He, Pein, Pein, Itachi, and Pein were making the rounds of the festival.

"First, we shall eat at a dango stand, because Bobbith needs nourishment." Said Itachi, petting his seeing-eye squirrel (by the way, Bobbith is a girl's name).

"Than, us Peins have a score to settle with a certain corpse!" yelled Big Pein. He was excited: He had eaten prunes and laxatives and drank magic miracle pee-pee juice (everyone else calls it water) just for tonight!

"Kay, than after the dango shop me and Itachi will visit the Konoha aquarium!" said Kisame happily. When they arrived at the dango shop, however, they saw another group there. Sasuke's shivering instantly ceased, and he turned around.

"YOU!!!!!!!!"

"Dang, there goes the rest of the evening. Eat up, Bobbith, it's gonna be a long night."

Meanwhile…

"Hey, Hinata!" yelled Naruto as he sat down at ichiraku's with her.

"Hi Naruto!" said Hinata gleefully. Ever since her new favorite day of all time, she and Naruto had frequently been "getting together", if you know what I mean. Than after playing checkers they'd go home and have sex. As a result, Hinata's shyness was fading away.

"So, I was thinking we could eat some ramen, and then you can choose what we'll do!" said Naruto.

"Hmmm…." Thought Hinata. "I know! We'll go to the Konoha movie theatre and see 'Ninja Love Actually'! That movie got really good reviews!"

"Okay." Said Naruto, a little disappointed.

"Than we can go to the library…" began Hinata.

Crap! First a chick flick and then books! Not Jiraya books, word books! Damn! Thought Naruto.

"…And have sex in the reference section. Nobody goes there now that they installed the computers."

"YIPPEE! Let's go Hinata!" yelled Naruto. He quickly swallowed four bowls of ramen simultaneously and dragged her towards the movie theatre.

Meanwhile…

"So, where are you going Konan?" asked Zetsu as the Pein's left to help Big Pein.

"I'm going to the Staple's. I need some more paper!" said Konan excitedly as she got out her kunais.

Zetsu ignored the screams coming from the Staple's and quickly ran towards the flower field just outside of town.

"OH MY GOD! LOOK AT ALL THESE BABES!" Yelled White Zetsu.

"I am getting laid tonight." Said Black Zetsu as he took off his clothes.

----Lemon---

Zetsu picked up some flowers and did some stuff. Than he put the flowers in a special place and picked up some more flowers, doing more stuff. Than he began cramming more flowers in his special place while wrapping other flowers around-okay, I can't write anymore. I don't know if there is a rating higher than M, but if there is, I may need it. So let's just say he did a lot of sick, disturbing stuff, and that about half the flowers were gone.

---End Lemon---

Zetsu laid down happily and began smoking.

Meanwhile…

The Peins were sitting in the bar, flush faced and happy. They had effectively destroyed Jiraya's corpse, and Big Pein had managed to cover it with fluids from every part of his body.

"Man, that was awesome!" Yelled Pein.

"Did you see how I put those frogs in his pants?!?!?!" shouted Pein gleefully.

"I AM GOD!!!!" roared Big Pein, as the other Peins bowed to him, murmuring "we are not worthy…"

"Okay, we've had fun for about four hours, time to have Hidan activate Operation: Kidnap Child!" said Pein. He took out his cell phone and hit the speed dial.

At the Disney Store…

Hidan groaned. He and Tobi had been here for four hours! All Tobi did was play with the same Goofy doll, and occasionally make it hug the Mickey doll, until he had the Donald doll bring him candy. Hidan had tried every way possible to kill himself, and was about to blink himself to death when the phone lodged in his windpipe rang. It uttered only two words before deactivating.

"Mission begin"

Hidan, who had been trained for this situation, turned to Tobi and said the seven words that would ruin Jiraya's Fun-eral:

"Tobi, grandmother would like to play badmitton."

Tobi slumped, and stood back up, his eye a sharingan.

"You ready, Maadara Uchiha?" asked Hidan gleefully. Now they get to leave the Disney store!"I was born ready. Let's go!" roared Maadara. He was so furious that he threw the Goofy doll. It hit the only other person in the Disney store, killing her instantly. Luckily, nobody cares about Ino, and thanks to Chouji, her corpse was gone quickly.

Meanwhile Again…

The beepers of all the akatsuki's were going off.

"Crap! I'll have to finish this fight quickly!"

"NOOOOO! I wanted to see the fish!"

"Okay, fifty billion sheets of paper should be enough."

"No, don't beg me ladies-A man's got to do what a man's got to do."

"We'll come back afterwords for some 'relaxation'!"

"TONIGHT JASHIN SAMA WILL BE APPEASED!!!!"

"We're stopping at the baby hospital on the way there. I'm hungry."

Pein grinned, leaning back in his chair.

"Operation: Kidnap Child has begun!"

Next chapter: Operation: Kidnap Child!

AU: Sorry it took me so long to update, but I've been busy. I can't believe I got 8 reviews!!!! Thank You!!!!