A/N: Oh, dear lord, I forgot about this story. Between the soap opera of my life that almost put me in therapy and my four on-going stories, this story got put in the back burner! So, if I apologize copiously and give you this new chapter, will you guys forgive me? (Of course, lots of you will hate me for this chapter, but it came to me, and wouldn't shut up, and so…) Anyway, this chapter was written to "Let Go" by Frou Frou, and edited to "Predilection" by… Um… Nittle Grasper??? But the latter will appear in the story, so go check the song out!

And, I think I just gave my city a bad rap. Man, I didn't mean it :crys: I love Atlanta, it's a beautiful place. I love it. I'm sorry, fellow Atlanta-dwellers! (I live there, so, I guess it will be alright???!)


Chapter Five: Ice Cold

"I love Yuki, not you…"

I freeze, trembling.

"But I doubt he'd even take me back."

Suddenly, my trembling comes to a crashing halt. I stare, and I realize that Shuichi is shuddering, almost seizure-like. Tears are boiling in his eyes, and his fingers are digging deep track-marks into his bare arms.

"After all, you basically raped me."

I trudge silently down the hall, socks padding against the somewhat oily carpet of the hallway. Tentatively, I knock on Tohma's door, pressing Kumagoro tight to my chest.

He opens the door, and I collapse against him.

"Ryu-san? Wha--?" The blonde keyboardist is surprised; I don't blame him. I've never been more than the childish idiot, or the musical genius around him.

I give a half-hearted grin, hoping to fool him, but I know it's too late. "Na no da, I want to spend the night with you, Tohma!"

Tohma frowns, looking halfway between surprised and confused. "…Can't bear rooming with Shindou, can you?" he asks, letting me plod into the room he's sharing with his cousin, the green-haired keyboardist from Bad Luck.

"I… no," I whisper.

He pats my back comfortingly. "Go for a walk," he murmurs, "I'll get your stuff from your old room."

I nod, and slowly leave the floor that has been reserved especially for us. I have on a jacket and a hat, and no one notices me. I guess since I'm no longer sparkly, I cannot be picked out easily.

I ease down the streets, avoiding the people that litter the streets in their sleep. I cross the road at the library, large and sandstone-colored. I went in it yesterday, seeking an escape, and I ended up in the tin-lined auditorium, watching high-school kids debate about their social issues. It was amusing, and I didn't see Shuichi the entire day.

Now I cross the road and come up in front of a large building that has carvings in its light brown marble; lions and vines, and I see, in the night, that it's an old building. I look back at the library, and down the street a donut shop gleams warmly. I almost consider doubling back and going in, wondering if some coffee would help me with my thoughts; it would most certainly be warmer. To myself, I shake my head; no, cold is good, and numb is better.

Slowly, I make my way down to a place that proclaims itself as the spot for the 1996 Olympics, and its gardens are light festively with lights for Christmas. I skirt this brightly lit park, and I find myself in a bar. This way, I can speed up the numb.

Quietly, I sit myself down, and order as many drinks as it will take to drown myself. I later become sickeningly drunk, then decide to go back to the hotel and I leave.

As I walk, I have the vague feeling that I'm being followed. Soon enough, I find that I am.

Ice cold hands grab me from behind, and drag me down…

And I don't care.


It's late my clothes are torn I'm cold I'm bleeding I'm numb I don't care I don't care I can barely string a thought together Tohma is worried he's calling the police he seems to know I can't think I feel sick I hurt I'm cold I find myself throwing up once I'm done I get guided to the hallway where there are police officers they ask me questions I tell them I don't care they look at me oddly they ask me if I'm rolling or if I'm stoned I tell them I was at a bar because I don't know what they mean they nod softly I tell them that I hurt so I wanted it to stop and they are understanding because I didn't break any laws the laws got broken on me I tell them that I deserved it out of the corner of my eye I see pink and I begin to cry for the first time that night….

I grab the lady police officer's shoulders, almost falling down. I cry against her shoulder, clarity calling my brain for the first time that night.

"I deserved it. I need to be arrested. I did the same thing to someone else. I… I need to be locked up; I'm a horrible person, ma'am. Please arrest me, I deserved it… I hurt someone badly," I tell her, looking up into her confused brown eyes. She's Japanese too, ha, that's why she can understand me… My thin fingers, scratched up from hitting the concrete so hard earlier, grasp her blue denim uniform.

"I needed to be raped," I tell her, my world crashing totally around my feet. "I needed it…"

The mendacity of this world finally crashed upon me, I couldn't climb high enough to get away. All my sparkles have been taken away, ripped away the moment I infringed upon his. I became so strikingly human the moment I decided he didn't understand my love that I poisoned the small bit of innocence that that boy had left. I made him cry, I hurt him, and I caused the one thing that gave him joy to leave… I… I…

And for the first time since it rained, a small voice spoke up, the wavering sadness of it holding up the last few cracked pieces of my world.

"No one deserves that, Sakuma-san…" Shuichi says. He strides forward, and gently pries me off of the police officer, taking me against his thin body, holding me close despite our differences in height. I can hear his heart beat, and I can feel his warmth; what did I do to earn this?! "He must still be drunk, ma'am."

I realize that he's speaking in perfect English. I didn't know that he knew English.

Suddenly, I can feel myself fading away, and then I pass out.