A/N: Well! I've FINALLY developed a plot for this stupid thing. Sorry, I just… really… loathe this story sometimes…: signs sadly: It's SO hard to write sometimes. I have to keep it descriptive and philosophical and beautiful at the same time. It's way beyond my capabilities… But I know where I'll be taking this train, and so those of you with tickets come along! BTW…He's on the London Eye. I've never really been to England, so… eheh… Damn… this chapter took so long. Sorrrrrrrrrrrry...
The song is "PREDILECTION" from… somewhere… in Gravitation, the Vocal Collection, I think?! Anyway, it's by Kappei Yamaguchi. And "Hate Me" by Blue October. (Even though I've rearranged the lyrics to fit Ryu, but, hell, it's still by Blue October.) It's such an angsty song, but… I think it's fitting for this particular chapter, because our poor little Ryu is angsting. Just don't go listening to it, because then it doesn't mean the same thing! -laughs-
Chapter Six: Skyline
Head in my hands, I sit and think. A faint knocking comes on the glass, and I shake my head at the operator. I don't want to get off at the moment.
I sneak a glance at my watch. Its two hours before the joint concert here. I can spare some time before K comes to get me. Even though I have the feeling he's around watching me anyway… It will most definitely be an hour before he lets me know he's here.
I feel the wheel slowly start again, and I tilt my head against the cool glass. The ground starts to fall away and my booth is lifted into the air.
My eyes slide shut, and I am taken away.
I open my eyes and I am blinded by the sudden appearance of this white. I look around and I suddenly realize where I am. Someone has taken me to a hospital. I sigh, long and slow… Then I realize; there's someone next to me on the bed. I start flinching away from the warm body, and then my eyes catch the shock.
Shuichi is next to me, sleeping.
I peek out from under my bangs, and I stare down at the river winding its way through the city. I want to jump in it; I want to swim in the cold abrasive waters of winter. Maybe that will cleanse me of it all. All my guilt. All my thoughts. I just want to stop this sinful cycle. I hate it.
Slowly, I reach out and run my fingertips down his face, feeling his cool soft skin. My fingers brush against his hair, smoothing the pink locks away from his cheeks.
He begins to wake at this attention, and I yank my hand away, my eyes finding the floor.
I can feel his gaze on me, and it burns. I look up and his large violet eyes are filled with something I have never seen him even try to convey.
Pity. Shame.
But something old is in the mix; something I never thought would be directed at me…
Love… Longing…The broken shine of someone whose heart is reaching…
I can't forget that look… It doesn't belong on his face. His eyes were clouded with pain and pity and shame for what he's done, and what's been done to him, as well as what I've done, and what's been done to me. I can't bear to see him like that! I… I don't deserve it one bit.
And after it all, I don't want him to love me… because he deserves far better… Much, much, much better than me… It's Eiri Yuki he deserves. Not me. Not broken, beaten, tarnished, sinful me.
I look away from him. All is silent for a moment, then I hear the shifting of hospital sheets. I close my eyes.
The next moment, Shuichi is sitting on my lap, his hands resting gently on my cheeks. "Look at me," he whispered.
Childishly, I closed my eyes even tighter.
"Ryuichi-san," he murmured, pressing his forehead to mine.
My eyes open in shock, and my startled eyes find Shuichi's purple ones far too close. Tears spark and stream down my cheeks.
Shuichi sighs softly, his warm breath tickling my cheeks and smelling like sweet peppermint. "It's alright, Ryuichi-san. You're alright," he said softly, his soft hands traveling across my shoulders to pull me into a tight hug. "You're alright, and I am too."
I shake my head. "Don't you hate me…?"
I stare out at the skyline. I had finally won his love… but at what cost? His happiness? I know that he would choose Eiri Yuki over me, so was I a second choice? The rebound…?
Whatever I am, I'm so happy I could soar; but I'm saddened to the point of breaking.
"No… I don't hate you," Shuichi said, a laugh coloring his tone. "Quite the opposite."
"But I…"
"I know… And I know you're sorry… and I enjoy being around you, and…"
"You said—"
He makes a face, scrunching his nose cutely. "I know what I said. I thought it over… and Yuki's no good."
I shake my head, disbelieving. "Shuichi," I warn.
The boy sighs, and lays his lips against mine. He kisses me for a long time, and it would be a lie to say that I didn't kiss him back.
It would be a lie to say that I didn't want him; therefore, it would be a lie to say that I didn't take him.
It would also be lying to say that I'm inestimably guilty…
But he chose me…
For that night. How will I know that he'll continue to choose me?
I'll take that choice away from him, so he won't have to choose between us. I think that I'll disappear…
I'll run away from it all.
I sing sadly into the microphone, putting my all into what may be my last performance. Ever. I decide to end with the two songs I feel close to at the moment, one old, one new.
"I have to block out thoughts of you,
So I don't loose my head;
They crawl in like a cockroach…
Dropping little reels of tape,
To remind me that I'm alone…
There's a burning in my pride;
An ounce of peace is all I want for you…
Will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space…
Hate me today; hate me tomorrow,
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you!
…Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you!
I'm sober now for three whole months,
It's one accomplishment that you've helped me with…
So I'll drive so fucking far away
That I never cross your mind!
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind!
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave;
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made.
Like a baby boy, I never was a man;
Until I saw your blue eyes cry…
And I held your face in my hands,
And I fell down yelling,
"Make it go away!
Just make a smile come back and
Shine
Just like it used to be!"
And then she whispered,
"How could you do this to me?"
…Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you."
The crowd cheered for me and my friends, and I wave. "Thank you," I say softly. "This is our last song for tonight. Balance out the new with the old!"
"Tatoeba kimi wo kizutsuketai
Jiorama ni tojikomete
Tataitemita tte sakendetemo
Kikoenai sa Predilection
(For example, I want to hurt you;
Trap you in a diorama
Though you shout "I tried hitting it!"
I can't hear: Predilection)
Iki mo dekinai
Joukyou shita de wa
Sugureta ai wo musaboru
(I can't even breathe
Underneath the circumstances
I still desire a wonderful love)
Can't get enough: kotoba yori mo motto
Don't let me down: tashika ni misete hoshii
One more night: kusuka ni kizutsuita
Kimi wo mitsumeru me sono saki ni
(Can't get enough: More than words, I want
Don't let me down: To show you more surely
One more night: The eyes that watch
You, who is faintly wounded, from that point)
Can't get enough: utsukushii mayonaka
Don't let me down: hashiritsuzukete mo mata
One more night: nigerenai no wa dare
Kizukitaku mo nai sono shinjitsu
(Can't get enough: In the beautiful midnight,
Don't let me down: I continue running,
One more night: Who's the one who can't escape
The truth that I don't even want to realize?)
Can't get enough,
Don't let me down,
One more night…"
I inwardly laugh, thinking how appropriate this song is. It's funny sometimes… Our part of the concert ends, met with a cacophony of cheers.
I bow, then disappear backstage. Shuichi bounces onstage, smiling widely at me as we pass.
I don't return his smile; I don't even wave.
Darkness, soft and deep… So different from the glamour of this world, darkness is what happens when you turn your heart away from the light of the world that sparkles ephemerally.
And I leave my star to soar back into the sky, shining for forever. Hopefully he'll be wished away by the one who he loves truly, and shine in this world once more.
…But until then… I will vanish…
