My bones denounce the buckboard bounce…
They reached Virginia City with no problems. "You know Niles, I have this nagging feeling that there is something wrong about us seeing Caruso." Frasier confessed after leaving the horses at the livery stable. Niles turned to his brother aghast.
"What could be wrong about seeing the famous Enrico Caruso? This is the chance of a life time to see him in person."
"I know, but something doesn't seem right about it."
Whatever, Frasier's misfeelings were, nothing seemed to be wrong with the performance. Frasier and Niles had box seats almost on the stage. The concert was perfect. They even got to go backstage and talk with the noted opera star. This caused Frasier even more misgivings. Nothing was ever that perfect.
As they walked out of the opera house, they noticed it was getting late. "Do you think we should try to head back? I didn't realize it was getting this late." Frasier asked his brother.
Niles looked longing at the French restaurant they had found, but was reminded that it would be rude to miss dinner with their hosts, especially since there was no way of telling the Cartwrights that the brothers would be late. "I suppose we should get our horses," Niles said grudgingly.
When they got to the livery stables, they found it empty except for the two Ponderosa horses.
"Hello, is anyone here?" called Frasier.
Niles looked around and poked his head in a few of the stalls. "It looks like everyone is gone. Maybe we should just saddle up and go," he said.
"Well maybe, I just don't feel right about leaving without paying…" Frasier said.
"Paying? Who's leaving without paying?" a craggy voice interrupted. "I'm here, just hold your britches on."
Frasier and Niles turned around to see an ancient man limping in on a crutch with his arm in a sling.
"Uh, where is the other man? The one who was here when we came in?" Niles asked hesitantly. The old man stepped nearer to the brothers to take a good look at them. Frasier noticed that there was a milky film over one eye. As he stepped closer, the Crane brothers stepped back to keep away from the fumes that emanated from the man's body. Quickly, Niles brought his handkerchief up to cover his nose.
"You mean my son? He's down at the saloon; I'm watching the place for him. Now you just hold your horses, and I'll saddle them." The old man began limping toward the horses. He looked back at Frasier and Niles as neither of them made a movement to follow. "I SAID, you hold your horses and I'll saddle them."
Startled out of their shock at seeing the old man, Frasier and Niles quickly went to their horses. "I'm sorry, please forgive me, I thought you were just speaking colloquially, not literally." Frasier said, trying hard to keep downwind of the old man.
The man looked at Frasier. "Nope, just talkin' good ol' U S of A 'merican. What's wrong with you, boy?"
"Um, nothing is wrong. Look, why don't we pay you and we'll saddle our horses ourselves, we're sort of in a hurry and don't want to bother you." Frasier looked at Niles who was nodding his head frantically in agreement. The old man looked them both up and down, but took the money and walked out.
"It seems he has doubts about whether we can saddle our horses." Niles claimed as he put the blanket and saddle on.
"It's really foolish, I mean, it seems straightforward enough and they didn't take the bridles off," Frasier agreed as he began tightening the cinch on his horse.
"Oh wait, didn't I see the boys hit their horses in the stomach while they were cinching?" asked Niles as he struggled with his own horse's cinch.
"Probably because Ben Cartwright wouldn't let them hit us," replied Frasier.
"Frasier, I'm not sure. These are expensive animals, I'm sure Ben would rather have the boys hit us than these animals."
Frasier looked over his horse to his brother. "Did I hear you right?"
Niles looked back at his brother and said, "You're right, he's much too good of a host to let his sons punch out his guests." As they finished, they both got into their saddles. Both were rather pleased because they were able to get on without any help, except a box that was near by.
The ride out of town was uneventful until they were about halfway to the ranch. "Oh Frasier…" called Niles.
Frasier turned around on his horse to see what Niles was yelling about, and was surprised to see Niles' horse, but no Niles. "Niles? Niles? Where are you?"
"Down here!" a voice called out. And there Niles was, his saddle had slipped and he was halfway towards his horse's belly.
"Well Niles, I don't think that's what they meant when they talk about riding side saddle," Frasier joked.
Niles rewarded him with a glare and said, "Help me off this thing. I'm going under!" Frasier was getting off his horse when his own saddle slipped and his horse took off. As Frasier fell, Nile's horse got skittish and luckily Niles was able to get off and away before any damage was done to him.
"Oh great! Now we have to walk back, and Hop Sing had promised to make his roast pig, too!" Frasier complained.
"Well, at least the saddles went with them so we don't have to carry them," Niles said brightly, determined to make the best out of a very bad moment. He was rewarded with a glare from Frasier. They both started the long hike back to the ranch.
It was completely dark when they finally made it to the Ponderosa ranch house. They both were tired, thirsty, and hungry. They saw the lights on in the main room. "Oh Frasier, I don't feel like facing everyone. This is just another thing those foolish city slickers mucked up." Niles ran a hand across his face as he lowered himself to the edge of the water trough.
Frasier tried to console his brother. "We don't know that. I mean, our horses just arrived. For all they know, we might still be in town."
Niles looked up at his brother, "yes, that is so much better. We're not goof ups, we're just rude."
Frustrated, Frasier retorted, "Well if you're going to be that way!" Suddenly he got an idea. "Why don't we just go up the backstairs and slip into our rooms. We can say we were tired and didn't want to bother anyone. They won't know when we came in!"
Niles grasped this hope. "Do you know that there ARE back stairs?"
"Yes, through the kitchen! It can't fail. There are no lights on in the kitchen so Hop Sing is probably in bed. We can slip through and go upstairs."
Niles thought about it and said, "What about the horses, shouldn't we tend to them? How come no one came out when the horses came in?"
"They probably didn't hear them. Let's get the saddles off and tie them up. Then to bed!" Frasier said with glee.
After taking care of the horses, Frasier and Niles walked toward the entrance on the side of the house. Suddenly, Niles grabbed Frasier. "Wait, you're going in the wrong entrance. That goes into the bunkhouse, the next one goes into the kitchen."
Frasier stopped. "Are you sure? I thought that one goes into the guestroom and that one goes into the kitchen."
Niles shook his head, "No, I'm sure of it. That one goes into the bunkhouse." Niles pointed to one doorway; then pointed to the other. "That one goes into the kitchen. The door to the downstairs guest room is through the dining room."
Frasier looked at both entrances and went into the door nearest the main house. Suddenly, a female began screaming.
"Daphne! Niles, you fool, this is the guest room!" Frasier turned around, and faced a figure in black with a gun on him. Niles came up behind the figure and hit him hard on the head with a piece of firewood. Down the stranger fell. Daphne lit the lamp next to her bed and came over where Frasier and Niles were bent over the stranger.
"It's Adam! Dr. Crane, he probably thought you were breaking in and was going to protect me!" Daphne cried. Her face softened, "He was trying to protect me."
Frasier and Niles looked around for others to come tearing into the room. "Where is everyone?" asked Frasier, very frightened after knocking out the eldest son of his host.
"They're out looking for you. Adam went with them, I don't know what he's doing here." Daphne brought the lamp closer Adams face. She softly smiled and sighed as she thought about the way his eyelashes made small-feathered fans across his cheekbones.
Niles stepped in between Adam and Daphne under the pretense of checking Adam's pulse on his neck. "He's fine, just unconscious." Niles announced.
"Oh great, now we've knocked him out! What are we going to do?" Frasier was trying to think. Frantically, a thought came to him.
"We can carry him upstairs to his room and no one will be the wiser. We will just say we don't know anything."
Niles looked at his older brother as if Frasier had lost his mind; in fact, he asked him that very question. "Are you out of your mind? How will we explain how he got there? Adam isn't the kind of man just to leave a manhunt and go to bed."
"How do you know," Frasier said defensively. "Besides, as I said, we can say we were safely in bed, so we wouldn't know anything about it." He then turned to Daphne. "Is everyone out of the house? Except for you?"
Daphne nodded. "I stayed behind in case you both came back."
"Quickly, Niles you take his feet, I'll take the upper part. Daphne, go ahead and look out for anyone coming." Frasier barked out the orders. Niles bent down to pick up Adam's feet and was brought down again.
"Ooof, he's heavy. He doesn't look that fat!" Niles exclaimed.
"Ooh, he's not," explained Daphne. "Look at him. It's all muscle. Look at that chest."
"Stop drooling, Daphne. You're dripping on him and we don't want him up just yet," snapped Frasier. But if Daphne stopped looking at Adam's muscular chest, she would have noticed that both Niles' and Frasier's shirts were unbuttoned lower than before.
Again Frasier and Niles picked up Adam and were carrying him towards the stairs when they heard, "what's going on down there?" They both looked at each other in panic. It was their father! What was he doing there? They both looked at Daphne.
"Well you didn't expect him to be riding out at this time of night with his hip did you?" She replied defensively.
Frasier glared at her, "Okay, besides, Adam, Dad, and you is there anyone else here we should know about?"
Daphne shook her head, "No just us. Oh Eddie of course!"
"Of course," growled Frasier.
Quickly they headed for the far end of the room out of the light so their father couldn't see what they were carrying. Daphne stayed at the bottom of the stairs with the light.
"Dad? It's just us, me and Niles. We just came home." Frasier called out. Martin Crane appeared at the top of the stairs.
"What are you two doing? The whole household is out looking for you. Hold on a minute, I'll come right down." Frasier and Niles looked at each other panic stricken.
"Oh no, you don't. Not without your robe on. I'm not taking care of a sick man on me holiday," Daphne cried out, and turned to Frasier and Niles looking rather pleased with herself.
"Alright, I'll get my robe, but then I want to know what's going on." Martin replied as he went down the hall to his bedroom to get his robe.
Amazed at Daphne's cleverness, Frasier and Niles went to the window seat at the far end of the room. Daphne followed with the light. Lifting up the seat, Frasier started to put Adam into the box.
"Wait a minute, I don't remember this being here," cried Niles.
"Who cares, Niles!" Frasier hissed back, "It's here now, and we can hide Adam in it until Dad goes back to bed."
"Wait!" cried Daphne. Putting down the lamp, she ran quickly to the main room and took some cushions off the settee and placed them in the box.
"Now, you can place him in there."
Frasier and Niles both put Adam into the window seat. As Frasier was closing the lid, Niles then cried out "Wait!" He then proceeded to cross Adam's arms across his chest.
"Oh, he looks so peaceful now," murmured Daphne her hands to her heart. Incredulously, Frasier stared at Daphne, but before he could comment, Martin was coming down the stairs with Eddie. Guiltily, Frasier and Niles closed the lid and sat on the window seat.
"Now boys, I want to know…" Martin stopped talking as he looked at his sons sitting on the seat, smiling rather sickly. "What's gotten into you two?" Eddie ran up and started to sniff around the window seat.
At this moment, Ben Cartwright came through the door with Little Joe and Hoss. He looked surprised at seeing his houseguests at the far end of the house. "Well this is lucky! I was just going to tell you we had to quit looking. It's too dark to see anything."
Frasier and Niles waved weakly at the Cartwrights, "Oh yes, Daphne told us you were out looking for us. Sorry about that, we had a small accident with our horses, but everything is fine now."
"Well, while you men folk sort things out, I'm going to bed." Daphne exclaimed while she quickly went to her room. Frasier and Niles followed her with their eyes, wishing they, too, could leave so easily.
"Are you alright?" asked Ben concernedly. After putting their guns and hats away, Little Joe and Hoss came over to listen.
Niles began massaging his hands, "Of course we are. Just a little slipping of the cinch. We were able to take care of it in no time."
Frasier tried not to look at his brother. Oh why couldn't Niles lie convincingly just this once!
"And the concert was longer than we imagined," Niles continued. "We even got to see Caruso in person, backstage!"
All of a sudden, Frasier felt his heart stop. There was a knocking. Niles apparently heard it too, as he stuttered in mid sentence then gamely continued on with his description of the meeting between the Cranes and Caruso his voice getting louder as the knocking grew louder. All the while, Eddie began digging and scratching at the window seat and Frasier was trying to keep him away. The Cartwrights were looking around the room however, trying to figure out where the sound was coming from.
Finally, Daphne came out of her room to answer the front door.
"Heavens, do I have to answer the door in this house too? What is it about a door knob that you men find it so difficult to operate?"
Frasier watched Daphne open the door in horror. She opened it and no one was there.
"I think the noise is coming from your seat, boys." Martin said calmly. "Of course, I may be wrong, it's been a long time I've been on the police force." Martin smiled at his sons. "Com' on Eddie, get over here."
Ben's eyes narrowed. He cleared his throat and asked dangerously calm, "Why don't you boys just get up for a second."
Frasier did the thing any 40 something-year-old man would do in this circumstance. He looked at his father and weakly cried, "Dad?" appealing for help.
"Com'on boys, get up." Martin replied soothingly. Behind Ben and Martin, Little Joe and Hoss were trying to control their laughing, finally, they were seeing the Crane brothers getting in trouble and acting like small boys in front of their father. And apparently, there was something very interesting in that window seat.
Reluctantly, Frasier and Niles got up and opened the lid. Adam calmly and slowly got out of the box. Ben rushed over to help him.
"Son? Are you all right?" Ben asked.
Adam glared at the two Crane brothers. "Yes, I'm all right," he exclaimed irritably. "I just have one hell of a headache."
Surreptitiously, Frasier pointed to Niles. Unfortunately, Niles saw it. His eyes widened and his mouth opened. "You were the one in Daphne's bedroom!" he cried out.
"Well I didn't know it was Daphne's room and I certainly didn't expect Adam in there!" Frasier shouted back. All eyes went to Adam.
"What were you doing in Daphne's bedroom?" Ben asked his eldest son.
Little Joe and Hoss were in the thralls of silent laughter. Adam took a deep breath to control his temper. Frasier and Niles could see the muscle in his jaw work before he said, "I came back because Sport had a stone bruise. When I came in, I heard a noise and was going to investigate, when all of a sudden I heard Daphne screaming. I went to see what the problem was and I got hit from behind."
The eyes shifted to Frasier and Niles.
"He did it," Frasier nodded toward Niles, and took a step away.
"Now boys, I know we're all tired. I think we should get to bed and discuss this calmly in the morning," Martin said trying to calm everyone.
"Yes, I think that's a good idea." Ben agreed.
"Well, all except Adam," interrupted Niles. "I think he might have a slight concussion and staying awake might be the best thing for him."
All eyes again turned toward Niles. Frasier shook his head. He never realized that his brother might have a death wish buried deep in his subconscious.
Adam walked up to Niles and looked down at the smaller man. Still controlling his temper he said coldly, "I think I will be alright. Thank you for your concern." With that, Adam turned and walked up the stairs.
Niles watched him go up the stairs. "He'll be all right," he said as he turned toward the group at the bottom of the stairs. "But, I think I'll go up to make sure." With that, Niles followed Adam up the stairs.
"Gotta lot a pluck for a little feller," Hoss said admiringly as he watched Niles disappear around the corner. Little Joe standing near his bigger brother nodded his head.
"Well boys, why don't you take care of the horses and we'll all get to bed." Ben broke in. He looked at Frasier; "we'll talk about this in the morning."
Frasier smiled weakly and went up the stairs. He passed Adam's room and heard Niles' voice. "Well, Niles is still alive." Frasier thought to himself as he went to his room to go to sleep.
