Not at You
For the first time ever, I am dedicating this chapter to two people, NoMoreThanUsual and Angeliss. Without their enthusiasm, I would have been successful in my endeavors to NOT procrastinate on an English essay, and this chapter would have taken much longer. So, if you like this chapter, please read and review their stories to thank them.
Disclaimer: Yet again, this isn't mine. All recognizable characters, situations, and dialog are the property of Stephenie Meyer. I'm just trying to keep my obsession manageable. Happy now?
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The trees flashed before my eyes as I ran to meet my family, holding the girl who had become my reason for existence. The girl whose life I risked with every second I spent with her. Why could I not stay away from her? Why could I not control my impulses? Why did I put her in danger so frequently? As much as I hated to admit it, even to myself, the answer was easy. I was selfish. Now that I knew how it felt to have her near me, have her in my world, I never wanted to let her go. I couldn't stand the thought of going back to my non-life, the thought of living without her, forever alone. But I also couldn't bear hurting her. She was far too important to me, and I knew that I would leave her if I had to, in order to keep her safe. She had no concept of how dangerous my world was.
I neared the clearing, and could hear the thoughts of my family. Carlisle had just finished lecturing Rosalie again, making certain that she would be civil. He knew that being kind would be beyond her abilities; he'd told her instead to stay away from us. She had agreed, but even her thoughts were still far from kind. The rest of my family was wondering where Bella and I were, and Emmett…. Well, he was hoping we'd give him a chance to tease us.
I know he's running her here from the end of the road. I wonder if he'll run in, still carrying her. That would be too funny…. And then he started imagining scenarios of what he'd say to us if I was, indeed, still carrying her.
I decided then that I did not want to subject Bella to Emmett in full joke mode anytime soon, so I halted my headlong rush a few hundred feet out of the field to let her down. She didn't move, so I reached back to touch the brown silk of her hair.
"It's over, Bella."
Cautiously, she raised her head from my shoulder, than unlocked her arms and legs from my body. She slipped to the ground, missed her footing, and ended up landing on the ground.
"Oh!" she gasped as she fell. I stared at her, torn between laughter and worry. I was terrified that she'd been hurt, because it would have been my fault. But the look on her face—utterly bewildered, as though she couldn't quite figure out how she had ended up on the ground—pushed me over the edge and I started laughing.
She stood, obviously annoyed with me, and tried to brush the mud and bits of bracken off her jacket. She made no progress, and I laughed harder as she spread the mess further.
And then she turned, storming back the way we'd come. Was she trying to go back to the Jeep? Had I offended her so badly that she no longer wanted to spend time with me? I cusred my stupidity again. I couldn't even keep myself from laughing at her, how could I ever hope to restrain the monster within me?
I caught her around the waist before she'd gone more than a few feet.
"Where are you going, Bella?"
If she said she wanted to go home, I vowed, I would take her. It would, after all, be my fault for laughing at her.
"To watch a baseball game. You don't seem to be interested in playing anymore, but I'm sure the others will have fun playing without you."
I fought back another laugh; glad she wasn't looking at me. "You're going the wrong way." Apparently, in addition to her clumsiness, Bella had no sense of direction. Somehow, it made her even more endearing.
She whirled around, still refusing to look at me, and marched in the opposite direction.
I caught her again, "Don't be mad," I pleaded, "I couldn't help myself. You should have seen your face." I chuckled again, despite my best efforts to the contrary.
She glared at me, eyebrows raised. It was a bewitching expression. "Oh, you're the only one allowed to get mad?" she demanded.
"I wasn't mad at you."
"'Bella, you'll be the death of me'?" she quoted indignantly.
I winced internally. I had been hoping she was too distracted to remember that particular slip of the tongue. No such luck.
"That was simply a statement of fact," I explained, hoping she would forgive me. She tried to turn away from me again, but I refused to let her go. I needed her to understand.
"You were mad," she insisted, stubborn to a fault.
"Yes," I agreed. There was no point in denying it; she had seen it. She'd probably felt it when Iflung her over my back.
"But you just said--"
"That I wasn't mad at you. Can't you see that, Bella?" I had to let her see. She was so special to me; I couldn't stand to let her think that I could be angry with her. The intensity of the need actually frightened me. "Don't you understand?"
"See what?" she demanded, confusion evident in her eyes. How could I get her to understand, and more, believe me?
"I'm never angry with you—how could I be? Brave, trusting… warm as you are." She was an amazing creature, and it hurt me to know that she couldn't see it for herself.
"Then why?" she whispered, the lost tone in her voice causing a sharp stab of agony to pience my long-dead heart.
I put my hands gently on either side of her face, unbelievably conscious of her frailty. "I infuriate myself," I told her softly, carefully. "The way I can't seem to keep from putting you in danger. My very existence puts you at risk." I could see again the monster in myself, the vision I'd seen that night so long ago. "Sometimes I truly hate myself. I should be stronger, I should be able to--"
Her soft hand came to rest over my mouth, halting the torrent of words. "Don't," she ordered.
I moved her hand from my lips—having it there was more temptation than I thought I could handle—but I kept its warmth pressed against my face. It was a tangible, comforting presence, proving that maybe, she didn't see me as a monster. Proving that she was willing to touch my alien body, ice cold against her warmth.
"I love you," I murmured, allowing myself the luxury of admitting it out loud for the first time. I wondered if she realized that it was the first time I told her that I loved her. "It's a poor excuse for what I'm doing, but it's still true." A poor excuse indeed.
"Now, please try and behave yourself," I continued, bending to brush my lips carefully against hers.
For once, she held still. Her stillness made fighting both sides of my nature much easier. Not easy-- I doubted kissing her would ever be simple-- but it was easier when she was not overly entusiastic. And then, as I pulled away, she sighed.
"You promised Chief Swan you'd have me home early, remember? We'd better get going."
"Yes, ma'am."
I smiled wistfully at her, wishing I could be stronger. Wishing I did not have to keep so many boundaries between us. I released everything but her hand, deciding I could bear Emmett teasing me about it, and led her into the massive field in the lap of the Olympic peaks. I led her into the warmth of my family's heart.
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Sorry it's so short, but it seemed awkward to go further in this chapter. The next will be up before too long, depending on how long it takes to get all of the non- fun things I have to do done. It also depends on when my sister comes back, so I won't make any other promises, but I will continue.
Thanks again to NoMoreThanUsual and Angeliss.
As usual, tell me about any mistakes! I can't fix what I don't see!
Thanks for reading!
