A/N: Enjoy!
Chapter 2: State of Mind.
For the next month it was painfully plain how badly shaken he was by her little announcement. The idea of a marriage was frightening enough to him, but the idea of a baby filled him with nothing less than terror. Soon his drinking was obvious to everyone but no one said anything. No one else was to know about the baby, besides Barbra Jean and Brock. She had only confided in them with what was going on at home.
"Reba, some men are just terrified of that kind of responsibility. I know I was, when you first told me you were pregnant." Brock said as he glanced lovingly at her. "And John is not exactly famous for his ability to settle down. He's always working. As soon as he sees that baby nine months from now, he'll notice it wasn't the dire threat he thought it to be." He took him all the strength he had to tell her that.
Brock was more sympathetic than he let on to her; he had frequently told Barbra Jean that he thought the man was a real bastard. But didn't want to tell Reba what he thought. He preferred to offer her encouragement about the baby, no matter how much it hurt him. He wanted to be there for her. He wanted to tell her he loved her. But something kept stopping him.
Reba's state of mind stayed pretty low and John's drinking only got worse. It took all of Barbra Jean's inventiveness to get Reba out at all. Finally she got her to go out shopping. "Reba, everything's gunna be fine." They were shopping through Dillard's, when Reba suddenly became very pale and stumbled as she grabbed blindly for Barbra Jean.
"Are you alright?" Barbra Jean looked instantly frightened when she saw her.
"I...I'm fine...I don't know what happened." She had a terrible pain but it only lasted for a moment.
"Why don't we sit down." Barbra Jean was quick to signal someone and ask for a chair and a drink of water, and by then Reba was clutching at her hand again. There were beads of sweat on her eyebrows, and her face was grayish green as she looked up at her best friend.
"I'm so sorry...Barbra Jean, I don't feel well at all..." And almost as she said the words, she fainted. The ambulance came as soon as it was called, and Reba was carried out of Dillard's on a stretcher. She was conscious again by then, and Barbra Jean looked terrified as she ran along beside her. They let her ride in the ambulance to the nearest hospital with Reba.
Barbra Jean called Brock as soon as she got into the ambulance and explained to him what happened. In a matter of moments he told the kids not to worry and speeded to the hospital. Brock was more worried than anyone.
They arrived at the hospital minutes later. The doctor had informed that Reba wanted to speak to Brock. Brock was in the room with Reba for the longest time, while Barbra Jean sobbed outside. Brock walked out with a few tears in his eyes and looked over to Barbra Jean who almost sprinted out her seat when she saw him.
"Is she all right?" Barbra Jean asked anxiously and Brock guided Barbra Jean to the chair and sat down next to her.
"She lost the baby...but she's alright." Brock said sadly but he was almost more concerned about her life with John. He told Barbra Jean what Reba told him. She was crying hysterically, and insisting that it was all her fault. She had moved a piece of furniture by herself last night, but John was never there to help her. And then the whole story tumbled out again, how unhappy she was with him, how much he drank, and how unhappy he was about the baby.
It was several hours before the doctors would let them see her again and Brock had ordered Barbra Jean to go back home and tell the kids she was alright. He decided to spend the night. They had tried to call John too, but he was out, as usual and no one knew where he was or when he would be returning. The secretary at his office was very sorry to hear of Reba's "accident" and she promised to refer Mr. Lexington to the hospital if he called or appeared, which everyone knew was highly unlikely.
"It's all my fault..." Reba was sobbing when Brock entered her room again. "I didn't want it enough...I should of waited for John...I was upset because he was so annoyed and now..." She sobbed on incoherently and Brock took her in his arms and tried to stop her. Brock kissed her forehead and he felt her snake her arms around his waist.
They were going to keep her in the hospital for a few days to make sure she was alright. The next morning Brock called Barbra Jean and told her to come to the hospital, because he had some business to take care of. Reba was sleeping peacefully and he put on his jacket and kissed her on the forehead and then looked down to her lips. He was tempted to kiss her on the lips and he did. Brock smiled and walked towards the door to find Barbra Jean standing there.
"Why don't you just tell her how you feel?" Barbra Jean asked with her arms crossed. A smile formed across her face.
"I don't think this is the right moment to tell her. It'll only make me sound selfish." he said as he walked away.
"When will be the right time?" interrogated Barbra Jean.
"I don't know Barbra Jean. Maybe some day, just don't mention anything to Reba, please." And with that he walked away.
When John came home that afternoon, he found Brock waiting for him in the living room, to his amazement. Fortunately, he had less to drink than usual and was surprisingly sober, considering it was a little over noon. He had a boring evening so he had finally decided to come home early.
"Jesus Christ, Brock! What are you doin' here? Tryin' to give me a heart attack?" John said frightened.
"No, but you deserve one." said Brock as he got up. And then John realized that something had to be very wrong for Brock to be waiting for him in his apartment.
"Is Reba all right?" he asked trying to sound concerned.
"No, she isn't." Brock looked away for a moment and then back at John. There was no delicate way to say it. "She lost the baby yesterday morning. Barbra Jean is over at the hospital with her now."
"She did?" John looked startled, and felt relieved and hoped he wasn't so drunk that he couldn't conceal it. "I'm sorry to hear that." He said it as though she were someone else's wife, and it had been someone else's baby. "Is she okay?"
"I believe she'll be all right and possibly able to have more children. What is apparently not right, is that she tells me that things have been somewhat less than idyllic between the two of you. Normally, I wouldn't interfere in Reba's life, but the way she explains you to me, maybe it's time I should start. Since yesterday you were unable to be reached, when we asked your secretary to give you the message if you came in she nearly scoffed."
Brock walked over to John and looked him straight in the eye. "This unhappy life isn't healthy for Reba. Don't continue to hurt her. She's been through a lot and the last thing she needs is you screwin' up her life like this. Is there something we all should know about now or do you feel you'll be able to continue your marriage with Reba in a happier way? Because if you can't then end it."
John swallowed hard. "I...I...of course...would you like a drink?" John stumbled over his words as he made his way over to where he kept his liquor and poured himself a glass of Scotch with a splash of water.
"I don't think so." Brock sat down again and sat expectantly, watching John with displeasure. There was no question in John's mind that Brock expected an answer. "Is there some problem that keeps you from acting as an appropriate husband?"
"I...well...uh...well you're a father right? You've been there. This baby thing was a little unexpected."
"I understand. Babies often are. But if you love the woman you've decided to marry, it's a good unexpected thing." Brock stood up once more and looked over to John's disheveled state. "I'm sure you'll be very anxious to visit Reba this afternoon, won't you?"
"Yeah."
"Good, I'll be there all day. I'm sure I'll be glad to see you there." Brock said as he made his way to the front door. He turned in the doorway and faced John for the last time. "Do we understand each other? Cause next time I show up at your house, you won't be so lucky to live."
"Yeah. I understand."
"Perfect. I'll see you at the hospital." Brock said as he walked out the door.
John heaved a sigh of relief as he closed the door behind him and poured himself another Scotch before he went to lie down. He wondered what it had been like, losing it, but he didn't want to ask himself too many questions. He knew little about things like that and had no desire to expand on it. He was sorry for her, but it was odd how little he felt about the baby, or for that matter, for Reba.
He had never anticipated how shackled he would feel, how bored, how oppressed, how claustrophobic. There was nothing about being married, he liked. He wasn't sure if he even liked Reba. Sure he loved her at some point in their relationship. She was a beautiful woman, and she would have made the perfect wife for someone else. She was intelligent, and pleased to be with, he had even been excited by her physically at first. But now it felt different; the last thing he wanted was to be married.
John Lexington showed up at the hospital later that afternoon dutifully. He looked pretty somber in a dark suit and dark tie. The truth was he was extremely hung over. He had bought flowers for her, but she didn't seem to care. She lied in bed staring out the window. She was holding Cheyenne's hand, as he walked into the room. He kind of felt sorry for her. Reba turned her head to look at him, and without a word, tears started to roll down her cheek. Cheyenne wasn't comfortable with the idea of leaving her mother in the room alone with him, but her mother gave her a reassuring squeeze of the hand. Cheyenne kissed her mother goodbye and walked by John, as she whispered a silent "I'm sorry, John." Cheyenne knew that from the look on his face he wasn't.
"Are you mad at me?" Reba asked him tears continuing to fall down her cheek. She made no effort to get up, she just laid there. Her once red vibrant hair, now tangled up in a mess, and her face was as pale as the hospital sheets. She had lost a lot of blood and she was too weak to sit up.
John had no idea what to say to her. "Of course not. Why would I be mad at you?" John asked as he moved a bit closer to her. The pain in her eyes was almost more than her could bear.
"It's my fault...I moved that stupid chest in our bedroom the other night...and I don't know...the doctor says these things happen 'cause they're meant to."
"See..." he began. "It's better this way anyway. We're not ready for a baby."
Reba was silent for the longest time and then she turned to look at him. "You're happy we lost it, aren't you?" Her eyes bore into his until they almost caused him pain as he tried to struggle with his headache. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to over drink it.
"I didn't say that."
"You didn't have to. You're not sorry, are you?"
"I'm sorry for you."
"You never wanted this baby."
"No, I didn't." He was honest with her, he felt that he at least owed her that much.
"Well neither did I, thanks to you, and that's probably why I lost it." Reba stated. He didn't know what to say to her so he kept quiet.
He sent red roses at the hospital the next day and visited her again. He never mentioned the baby to her, but tried his best to make conversation. John was surprised at how awkward it felt, to be with her. It was as if they had both become strangers over night. The truth was they always were strangers. The only difference was now it was more difficult to hide it.
When Reba returned home - to the apartment. She felt out of place, as if it were someone else's home. She felt like a stranger. John felt this way as well. He had only been home to change his clothes. Sometimes he spent the afternoon with her then he'd make the excuse that he had to go out to see some friend about a business opportunity. He knew she wouldn't object to it and she didn't. Reba watched him go out every night and she objected to the idea of coming in at two in the morning. Sometimes he was so surprisingly drunk, the door man in the lobby was forced to help him up to his apartment.
Reba tipped the man and watched as John collapsed on the couch unconscious. She stood their looking at him with tears in her eyes. As Reba walked away she felt an ache in her heart for the baby she had lost.
She had finally understood that her marriage to John was nothing more than a source of endless grief and disappointment. Reba walked into her room and looked at the suitcase she had packed. She had decided she was leaving him and Houston. She wanted to get out and go elsewhere, anywhere was better than endless pain and misery in a failed marriage with a man she never loved.
She wrote him a letter and included her divorce papers that she had had for the longest time and walked out the door, leaving the letter on the table.
She had written another letter ; one for a man she had loved and still did.
Brock.
Dear Brock,
I appreciate you for all that you've done. You've helped through everything and I just want you to know that I'm grateful. You were always there for me and I'm not just talking about during my marriage with John. I'm glad to say you're one of my best friends and I love you. I never stopped and I always will. But I just have to get away. I'm going to Lori Ann's for a while in California. Please give the children my regards and tell Barbra Jean thanks.
Love,
Reba.
She drove to his house and got out. Reba teared a bit as she slipped it quietly in his mailbox. She needed a fresh beginning.
She wanted to start all over.
A/N: So what do you guys think? I really love hearing from all of you! Please Read and Review!
