PANDORA'S MISCHIEF: Part 2

Disclaimer: Death Note, not mine. But let me have my fun.

APHRODITE


"Hi, Wedy."

It was that puppy dog cop, what was his name, Matsuda. Merrie didn't even need to glance his way as she strode through the main room. She might be accused of flaunting her voluptuous femininity and emphatically causing the young policeman's eyes to travel to her ass, and there were those who might disapprove of this behavior (she assumed this was a small population, none of which she had met in person).

But it couldn't be helped. It was as natural as her live-in-the-spotlight nature. Both her alluring beauty and her flirtatious demeanor could be a curse when it came to captivating poor, hopeless men (and she was quite sure that this applied to women, too). In fact, she had told Aiber yesterday that if Kira needed a name and a face to kill, she would never die because upon seeing her picture he would fall pathetically in love with her. L had shot her a nasty look and told her that such a hypothesis was foolish because the records showed that Kira had killed more attractive women than she - Merrie took this barb as further evidence that L was homosexual.

Either way, it seemed as though L, esteemed detective that he was, had caught on to her peculiar attitude when she was alone with Light and him. Even if he had not figured out her intentions yet, he leered at her apprehensively whenever she leaned forward to whisper something into his suspect's ear - yes, it was quite obvious that Merrie was waltzing over to his foul side. But Merrie was gorgeous and she was exceedingly clever, and she wasn't worried about reversing that fact when she needed to. Even in the morning (which L had informed her was sometime before noon) she was damned sure that she was looking titillating in her black tube top and tight pants. L himself would have to be impressed.

"Wedy, you're an idiot," L proclaimed. His morning greetings did not carry the same pleasant ambience as the hot coffee that was now pooling in a burning puddle across the floor.

Now, that monkey boy who could use with a bit (a lot) of concealer and tanned foundation had no right to say that. Yes, she had been the one to start up the instant coffee machine on the counter. She had actually bothered to set her alarm clock for some ungodly time - didn't even know that there was a seven o'clock AM - and she thought she be the benevolent angel that she was and try out the coffee machine. She did it with chivalrous intentions, purely out of goodwill for her new co-workers and tribute to the resolution that they would capture Kira.

...Aren't those machines usually supposed to stop automatically?

Monkey Boy should be grateful that she was up before most of the task force had even arrived (fine by her, Daddy Yagami was always shooting her less-than-delighted looks that suggested he'd like to put her before a firing squad, and Mogi pointedly ignored her). Matsuda was the lone cop, tottering around like a star-struck school boy around the surveillance room, already cleaning up the mess on the floor after mumbling something that Merrie hadn't listened to. Light sat by the table reading the paper, and L was next to him, armed with a platter of high calorie doughnuts and glaring at her in the way that only a skeletal insomniac sitting like a gargoyle can glare.

"I was working," she excused herself gaily, stepping over the mess to the machine and pouring herself a mug of perfectly good scalding hot liquid. A few packets of Half-and-Half and she was good to go.

"You were painting your toenails," the detective chastised, holding a pastry in each hand as though they were the gavels and he was some Supreme Court Judge. It was a rather comical picture, or it would have been if the renegade chocolate on his lips against his ghostly skin hadn't given off the impression of vampirism.

Merrie didn't see the problem. "It's part of my profession to look presentable when I'm at work," she said easily, inhaling the thick aroma of coffee beans with pleasure. "My dearest employer may not understand, because he doesn't do much hands-on work, but when it comes to physical performance-"

"Wedy-san makes her living as a thief. She sneaks into buildings and robs them. At night. When everyone is sleeping. Her business is not to be seen."

Quite. He was telling her this... why?

Merrie smiled sweetly and went over to the table, sliding right on top of it and crossed her legs, waxed thigh over waxed thigh, in a comfortable sitting position. Her hand crept forward to L's doughnuts and, obliviously pretending that she did not notice the venom in his glare, brought one to her mouth and licked at it delicately. "I don't think Ryuzaki quite understands the art of burglary. The Zen, if you will."

"Thievery is no art. It's as mathematical as a science, and it is a process of careful calculations and preparations," came a scoffing answer, and he hunched over to his doughnuts for preferred company, making a show of edging the plate closer to his own body and farther from Merrie. "Also, you're wasting time. Please go do something productive."

Had he really just dismissed her and insulted her at the same time? Something productive, her ass! Her well-toned ass! "Light-kun, sweetie?" she called across the table. She waited until he lowered the paper and looked at her politely. "You're an adolescent male. More, shall we say, normal than the other male in this room."

"Wedy-san, you've forgotten about me..." came the faint voice of what's-his-name, Matsuda.

"If I were to rob you in the dead of the night, and you woke up and found me," she continued, capturing Light's gaze with an air of seduction. "What would you do if I was wearing nothing but lingerie?"

"Err..." He blinked his large almond-shaped eyes as L watched with patient irritation. "I don't know?"

"Exactly! My point exactly, honey." Merrie bit into her doughnut and was certain to cast L a look of superiority. "If I may be so blunt, I'm an attractive woman. If I were some ugly, lanky vagabond, my victims would be sure to react aggressively and rapidly. But if I cherish my appearance, I buy myself at least an extra minute, depending on who I am robbing. That's precisely what we call artful preparation."

"I've also heard it defined as 'prostitution'," L offered.

"Hmm." She curled her lips into a twisted smile at L, and raised a free hand to her blonde locks which she twirled with manicured fingers. Then she turned back to Light, who had tried to escape from the conversation back into the newspaper. "Light-kun, what would you do if a prostitute, say, one who looks just like me came into your house in the dead of the night, wearing nothing but lingerie?"

"Uhh..."

"Wedy-san." That monotonous tone was clearly perturbed. Fabulous. Annoyance seemed to be the only emotion that affected his deadpan disposition, but as such it made Merrie suggest that he was not, in fact, an android. "The only way that you are getting a paycheck is if you work."

"Yeah?" Merrie couldn't help it, it wasn't her fault, it was really just in her nature- "Ryuzaki, if I showed up in your house in the middle of the night wearing nothing but lingerie, how big would my paycheck be?"

A good thing that Merrie was so smart - she knew when it wasn't dishonorable to retreat. She immediately slid off the table and trotted away, quite certain that L had every intention of kicking her.

Really, how barbaric. No one seemed to have any class around here.


When Merrie was doing business in public places, a common obstacle that she had to bypass was a metal detector. This had been troublesome early in her career because she liked to carry a modest selection of knives, guns, keys, pick-locks, switchblades and occasionally grenades under her tight black leather outfit. She had long since mastered the art of being fully armed and loaded while walking through a mall - things could be strapped her legs, in her boots, under her hat, in her bra. She successfully made everything look natural - in fact, the overall physical effect was giving her an image of being particularly well-endowed. But metal detectors, being cruel and mechanic, were completely resistant to her perfected womanly charms.

Many burglars conveniently avoided the things that opposed them and unfashionably hid in the shadows. They contented themselves to crawling around security like high school gaming nerds hid from the football team. As far as she was concerned, Merrie was a Hollywood starlet, not some insect taking cover in the dirt. She had the assets (in all definitions of the word) that separated petty thieves from masterminds. She sought instead to conquer what she didn't understand, and not cease until it was screaming "Wedy!" with the rest of the audience.

She studied her victims and she learned. A metal detector did its detecting through electromagnetic induction, she found out. In a nutshell it produced an alternating magnetic field through use of an oscillator. Metals are electronically conductive, so the eddy currents in the coil are induced. Foreign metals are magnetometers, and their presence creates a change in the field - therefore leading to detection.

Easy enough to bypass, she thought as she did her initial public scouting of the top business buildings suspects to be affiliated with Kira. One just had to not create an alternate magnetic field, or at least substantially reduce the current released. The answer was a technology called a "Discriminator", another coil that essentially balances off the detector's offense, creating a neutral zone that is the overlapping of opposition. This had been developed by big name government organizations itself with the intention of getting the metal detectors to only detect certain types of metal - such as gold or precious minerals. Merrie used it to win.

This applied to the building L had sent her to investigate. The lobby of Yotsuba looked normal enough. She took mental notes of the video cameras in the area, as well as more reliable pictures on her mini-camera installed in her sunglasses, and then left to call it a day. The real work would start at night instead, when the building was locked and dark.

Yeah, she thought as she arrived back at headquarters. Metal detectors were one obstacle that she had dominated. Making a match between her employer and his prime suspect was no different. L was the oscillator, churning to his own metallic tune. Light was a metal of high frequency - upon crossing under Light's machinery, the alarm had sounded. The result was a handcuff to bind them together at all times.

But when L insisted that the reason was to monitor Light's criminal actions, she was all for calling that bullshit. Light made L's radar go off because he made something else come on.

"What's with the sly look?" Aiber asked her, greeting her at one of the entry rooms that connected to the main headquarters directly passed the last of the security. Not like 'security' meant much to her. Even though she had all the necessary access codes, the fact that she had the ability to bypass it like a phantom meant something - when one has power, one uses it. As such, even though she knew it pissed off L and Watari, she wormed her way into the headquarters undetected.

"I'm a sly girl," she responded, fluttering long lashes. "What are you reading?"

Aiber was sitting comfortably on a red cushioned couch, looking quite charming in his pinstripe three-thousand-dollar suit. With one hand, he delicately held a glass of red wine, which he absentmindedly swirled in his grip. The other hand held up, by the spine, a thick brown book... Hang on, what was that he was drinking?

"I'm touching up on the official laws of this country when it comes to economic involvement," he answered. "Kira seems to be affiliated with Yotsuba, as you know, or possibly another company that simultaneously benefits when Yotsuba benefits. In order for me to put my talents to work, I'm going to con back-up evidence. Just in case we need an official warrant if we infiltrate the office building."

"Ah, and here I thought a French man would be reading poetry or romance novels." She took off her striped designer's coat, hanging it up carelessly on a hook on the wall, all while giving Aiber a pointedly critical look.

"French men are the physical embodiment of such luxuries. We wrote them, my fair Aphrodite, why should we read them, too?"

"Aphrodite, eh?" Merrie chuckled with sophistication. "Out of all the love goddesses in the world?"

"I figured that Greek mythology was your favorite," Aiber explained mellowly. "They're wild, and lower themselves to leave the paradise of Mount Olympus just to mettle with the mortals. They're a living soap opera."

"You're a smart man. The Greek gods are my favorite, though no disrespect is meant to any other flock." Merrie leaned forward, flaunting herself into Aiber's face, who raised an eyebrow at the view. She wrapped her hand around Aiber's wine glass during his distraction, and successfully burgled it away. Thievery was a rewarding field of professionalism, no matter what the kid's cartoons said. She lifted the glass to her lips and tilted it, feeling the alcohol burning against her tongue and warming her throat. "Mm... how did you smuggle this booze passed L? He told me that if I drank, he wouldn't pay me."

"Smuggle it in? What could you mean, mon chéri?" He shooed her away with a hand, avoiding her breasts, and smoothly recaptured his glass. "L gave me a few bottles of fine wine, complimentary with the room."

She stared, her lips parting with disbelief. "You're kidding me."

"Would I lie?"

"You're both a professional con-man and French. Of course you'd lie." Distraught, she stood up straight, tearing off her sunglasses in a swift movement. "But I believe you. By mighty Hera's wrath, I'm going to murder that skinny brat."

Aiber smirked, rubbing the golden stubble on his chin with a free hand - the hand with the stupid wedding ring. "There's an interesting tactic. I'm sure his untimely death would result in Wedy having enough fine champagne to keep her drunk and happy for years. And with L out of the way, you could take the Yagami boy for yourself."

Merrie was then reminded of the more serious business that had to be discussed - namely, Light and L's sexual orientations. "I won't kill him if he screws Light," she said, as if casting a bargain. "Well then, you've had all day. Are they gay?"

"Believe it or not, I've been working in the way that L hired me for. I'll help you on my free time, and I can't do that until I finish this book."

"I'm quite displeased."

"Don't give me that look. I may be French, but I'm not a woman." Aiber finished off the remainder of his wine, and then lowered his voice. "I will tell you one thing, though. There is one factor that you don't know of, let's call it 'x' for now. I would say that you should worry about it, but knowing you, you'll relish the challenge. Want to know what it is?"

Merrie was a curious woman. But more than that she had all the pride of a pampered house-cat, and she smiled sweetly with eyes that vigorously made a declaration. "Do you know who I am, Aiber?"

She didn't wait for him to respond, and ignored the obvious look that he cast her.

"I'm Wedy, goddess of the criminal world. All the world is my stage, and all the x-factors merely players."

As she stormed out of the room with her head held high, Aiber saluted her with his empty glass. Merrie found this tribute to be quite appropriate. She went to go find her victims, and like any other challenge, she was happy to laugh in the face of any precious little x-factor.


"How did it go, Wedy-san?"

It was Light who asked this as she waltzed into the room. What a sweetheart, glancing behind at her with thoughtful chocolate eyes. A callous booze-teasing bastard like L didn't really deserve such a nice pretty boy, by the gods, he was damned lucky they were soul mates. There sat L by a keyboard now, his mouth full of what looked like either pink marshmallows or some new form of fungi, either way Merrie wished upon him the most fierce of belly-aches.

"It went lovely, as usual," Merrie said. After beaming warmly toward the Kira suspect, her face changed. She briskly pushed down her large sunglasses to hide the psychic death rays that she was currently envisioning her irises shooting out into the back of L's scruffy neck. Even though Monkey Boy's back was to her, she could just tell that he knew she was glaring at him. "Oh, Ryuzaki, I have a somewhat amusing story for you. Mr. Aiber was kind enough to offer me the sweetest drink on my way back in."

L cleared his throat. "If Wedy-san will please refrain from broadcasting her sexual exploits?"

...Oh, he didn't.

Oh she was going to castrate that son of a-

"Ryuzaki!" Soichiro Yagami growled patronizingly, the wrinkles in his forward deepening into thick trenches. He had been standing beside the row of computers where L was perched on a swivel chair at, and he spun the chair around with his hand, shaking a finger crossly. "Don't ever say such crude things in the presence of a woman!"

Well, how about that? Daddy Yagami was coming to her rescue. Maybe she could get along with him after all.

"Even if she is nothing more than a wicked common criminal."

... Charming. 'Common', did he say? Common? Was the old coot blind? Daddy Yagami needed to get laid, he clearly was suffering sexual frustrations. Or he was gay. Or both. Maybe homosexuality was genetic? Then for sure Light also had to be gay.

"My apologies, Wedy-san." L didn't even turn his neck, like a wide-eyed owl he shifted his entire body and stared at her rigidly. He raised his hands up to rest on his knees while blankly studying her. "I did not intend to sound crude, but I was merely being honest. Perhaps if Wedy has concerns she should voice them outright, instead of making roundabout implications that could be interpreted in an incorrect manner in the way that I've judged as an interpretation of your character."

Soichiro nodded in satisfaction, apparently lost passed the 'my apologies' bit, and Merrie was fuming. The arrogant little imp! What kind of luck was this, to find out that the great L was not a dark and handsome prince for the seducing, but a cocky know-it-all insomniac who could have passed for a heroin addict. And what did he mean, 'interpretation of her character'? Was he implying that she was a slut or something?

Yes, very mature, Monkey Boy.

"Wedy, I would appreciate a marked floor plan of the Yotsuba building, where precisely you placed any bugs in the lobby and any suspicious activity that you feel we should be keeping an eye on."

Oh, he wanted suspicious activity, did he? He could have it. In bulk.

Her eyes shifted from the candy-chomping gargoyle and to Light, who was seated to his right. Close enough so that the chain was slack and rested like a relaxed snake on the floor, but far enough away so that the snake wasn't coiled. Light, in contrast to his unhygienic partner, was looking very smart and handsome in a nice white button-down shirt that loosely draped over his slim chest. His hair even appeared to be clean and void of any sweat or grease, though how he had persuaded the fanatical detective to let him shower was beyond Merrie's scope of knowledge.

Merrie definitely wanted revenge on L again, but not even she was daring enough to hit on the pretty boy with his bear-like father standing right next to him (now what kind of reverse gender roles was this?). It could wait a bit longer. Soichiro would go home at eleven o'clock like he did most nights, and Light and L would be working for another three hours at least, a factor dependent entirely on how merciful the satanic investigator was feeling. Which usually meant five hours.

But three hours was more than enough, she realized with a small grin, to piss off L and take one step closer to getting him to look at Light the same way that he eyeballed German chocolate pastries. Tonight, she would execute the plan that was suddenly completely formulated in her deviously clever brain. So crafty was she that Merrie was certain even the conniving detective might view her as a threat - and that was precisely what she wanted.


There were some nights when it just felt like the gods were giving Merrie the recognition that she deserved. By this, she concluded that Aphrodite favored these two almost-lovers, and Merrie, well, she was a priestess doing her duty to serve Love. Everything went perfectly. The task force was gone without a trace and she could finally put her fool-proof plan into action. True, she was wearing a little more than just lingerie, but it was midnight, the boys were completely alone, and Merrie was armed with a tall glass of justice, mixed with the delicacy that was fermented sugar..

"Alcohol, Wedy-san?" L glanced her way with cavillous ebony eyes, sliding a red and white peppermint stick between his pallid lips.

"No, darling. Just grape juice," she said with a sophisticated chortle, holding up her mostly full glass as though she were saluting him. The wine swirled around like a beacon of hope, her dearest friend and favorite weapon. Merrie's head shifted, latching a gaze onto the younger youth like a relentlessly attracting magnet. "Hey, Light. Are you thirsty?"

Before Light could answer, L was speaking again. "No, Light-kun is not thirsty for that. He would rather prove his innocence by working with dedication, and alcohol would clearly yield the opposite results."

"Aw, Ryuzaki," Merrie grinned, approaching Light and curling a hand around his shoulder. "When it's all said and done, you just want to prove that Light is Kira, right?"

She felt Light go rigid under her hand, and again, L quickly interrupted any potential answer in his quietly dominating voice. "I want to find Kira. It's unfortunate, but Light-kun is still my prime suspect. I hope that I am mistaken."

"Nah. No you don't," Merrie answered, patting Light comfortingly, and her fingers made themselves comfortable around the nape of his neck. "Ryuzaki wants to keep Light-kun in chains for the rest of eternity. And who knows what incriminating things he'll say if I get him drunk?"

"I do not desire that Yagami-kun be incarcerated long-term," L argued stiffly, apparently annoyed enough to bother responding. "I regret if that has to be the case, however, I value the safety-"

"Yeah, yeah," Merrie purred, lowering her chin and leaning forward as if she were telling some secret without bothering to whisper. She fluttered her eyelashes seductively like only an American starlet can. "I'm in absolute agreement with you, Ryuzaki - he does look adorable as hell in handcuffs."

"What? Wedy!" Unable to contain himself, Light was flushing like a schoolboy. It was clear that he did not like where this conversation was going - could be pride for his sexuality, could be embarrassment, could be that he was madly in love with the gangly detective. He turned around to glare at the burglar as well as bat her intrusive hand away from his neck.

Just as planned.

Merrie wasn't even to the point of being tipsy, but she was familiar enough with the experience to act up on it. She tottered, and in response to Light's aggressive movements she let the hand that held the glass slip. The glass fell straight onto his shoulder, and slid into his lap. There was a splash, and a crash as the vessel shattered against the floor. Even L turned to investigate the noise and the small gasp that Light emitted. Bright purple liquid flowed down Light's white button-down shirt in a swirl of contrasting color.

"Oh, dear!" Merrie lamented apologetically, putting one startled hand over her mouth in acting skills that rivaled her Broadway sister's. "Oh, Light, how very clumsy of me. I feel absolutely dreadful! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to let my hand slip. That was terrible."

"It's... it's okay, Wedy," Light said, conjuring up an appropriate amount of sincerity. "It's my fault, too. Don't worry about it."

"No, no, I've gone and ruined your nice shirt, and I know how poor you are, sweetie. Ah, oh, middle-class, I mean. Here, let me help." Snatching a napkin from the counter, she licked it like a kitten with her tongue and began dabbing his shirt.

The adolescent was skeptical, retreating backwards only to be met by the back of his chair. "I don't think that will help."

"You're right, honey." Merrie leaned in to him, narrowing her eyes and giving him a candied expression of benign sweetness. "We'll have to have it washed and bleached, and the sooner the better before it stains. Let me help you."

She reached to the buttons, taking hold of them with her long fingers, and pretended to exert considerable effort in popping it through. When Light protested, mumbling something about how he would do it later, and himself, she answered incessantly, "No, it's my fault, let me do it. I'm just at an awkward position..."

And then she lowered herself on the most satisfying, if unwilling, chair possible - his lap. Smiling with the same devilish sweetness, she leaned into him, undoing one button at a time as he sat there uncomfortably and without an escape. She was more than happy that after each trial of the fabric, more of the teen's chest was exposed. Yes, she reminded herself with discipline, he was only eighteen, but that was still legal in Japan, right? His skin was a fair golden color, and his torso was long and slim. Thin, yes, but not grossly skinny - he had tight muscles strung under that soft coating. A springy athletic body, worthy of enduring underwear photoshoots if he ever decided to pursue a career in the fashion industry.

Not that L would be sympathetic toward the idea of letting his prime suspect go somewhere that wasn't in a five-foot radius of him. Though if Wedy had her way - and she was a girl who didn't settle for anything less - Light would indeed be modeling in his boxers, even if it was for a more private audience.

"Wedy..." a charming little voice from beside them growled, low and dangerous like a skeletal panda bear in heat.

It was L of course, and Merrie didn't even turn his way. She already could feel the angry glint in his eye, and she relished that. He would also be looking at the work of art she had just uncovered, tragically hidden so long under cotton clothing. Merrie shifted her weight so that she was violating Light's lap even more, and then she looked up into his blushing face. Her hands traveled to his shoulders where she gently pushed the fabric so it would be off of his lotion-smooth skin.

"Wedy, I highly suggest that you remove yourself from Light Yagami instantly."

"Should I?" Merrie murmured teasingly, resisting the urge to let her eyes flicker in his direction. Are you watching this, L? Are you jealous, L? Is that a bulge in your pants, L? She brought her face closer to Light's as she continued to slide off the shirt, through his arms. Of course, there was the annoying problem of the handcuff chain that would actually dismiss any effort to fully separate the article of clothing from the boy, however, she wasn't actually concerned about that at all. No, no, all she wanted right now was to wrap her arms around this tight warmth.

'Tight warmth' being in reference to his waist. Though that other tight warmth might be fun to play with, too.

The cold reprimand came: "You should. I admonish you that this unprofessional behavior won't be beneficial to you in the end."

Merrie grinned, tightening her fingers around Light's back. Without the shirt, she could feel his shoulder blades. When he squirmed slightly from under her, she tightened the grip. "I'm just making up for a mistake that I've made, Ryuzaki. That's all..."

"Well, you just made another one."

"Huh?" Lovely, was he threatening her? If that was all it took to get L to punch her, then this game was easier than she thought. Was L going to shove her off, plant his lips into his soul mate's, finish the job of unclothing him, and-

"HAAARGH!"

There was a high pitched scream, as terrible as a crack-addict banshee who had just been denied the aforementioned crack.

"Who the hell are you, and why the fuck are you on Misa's Light?!"

Instantly, Merrie turned to the shrieking new voice. It was a tiny blonde girl that could have been a goddamned ten-foot Doberman for how murderous she was looking right now. A powdered face was distorted into an ugly snarl, and yellow pigtails seemed to stand on end like the hair on a hissing cat's back. Brandishing her fingernails like ten sharpened butcher knives, she was running forward with what appeared to be the full intent of slicing Merrie to bloody shreds.

Aha. So this was the x-factor.

To Be Continued. . .


Author's Notes:

1. So you know how you can edit a story's information, and now you can select from a list who the two biggest characters in your story are, for search purposes? Wedy totally is NOT on that list. How did she not make the cut? She's so amazing... I'm admittedly a bit heart-broken.

2. "All the world is my stage..." This is Wedy's version of the Shakespeare verse: "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."

3. "Hera's Wrath": Hera is the Queen of the Greek Gods, and Zeus's wife. Zeus is always having affairs with other women, and Hera, who is normally somewhat benevolent, is also a jealous hell-hath-no-fury-like-a-woman-scorned bitch.

4. Yay, we all learned something about metal detectors! Now your fanfiction time is educational!

5. My Wedy represents all of us fangirls who wish that L and Light could stop it with the dog-eat-dog crap and start snogging already. As such, this fic will contain yaoi.

Thank you for enduring, all of you survivors! Cheers, and my love to all of you who didn't die in the process. -Serria