The two raced up the upward slope of the ship's other dining area and hid in a third class hallway. As they watched the water level rise around them they found a little boy in a green cap with a samurai sword, screaming for his dad.

"We can't leave him," Miles said. They grabbed the boy and as they were about to leave, Jean Armstrong ran into them.

"Oh, zis little boy, come, I will show you ze way!" he said as he tore the boy from Larry's arms and ran to the top deck and threw him overboard.

"Next time, take us with you!" Larry yelled as a couple of doors burst open with water flooding in. They were swept away in the current and slammed into a shut gate but managed to climb up some nearby stairs that led to… another gate.

"Quick! Do that pole dance thing again!" Larry told Miles.

"It doesn't work that way! It's not a pole!"

"Then try spanking it! That always loosens me up!"

Just then a busboy ran by. The two called him over and begged him to unlock the gate. He fumbled with the keys as the water level rose higher and higher, and eventually his shaking hands dropped them in the water.

"Sorry!" he called behind him as he retreated to a drier place. Just then the water reached high enough on the wall to take out the lights in the hallway, forcing them to search for the keys in the dark.

"Get it, Miles! Use your bendy self to get those keys!"

Miles took a breath and reached beyond the gate, sweeping his hand across to find the keys. He found them and tried to unlock the gate, but there were just too many.

"This one! Try this one!"

"Why?"

"Because we're about to die!"

Miles shoved his arm back around the gate and blindly forced the key into the lock. As luck would have it, they had chosen the correct key. They ripped the gate open and ran for dry hills.

Phoenix was back on the top deck running around trying to find Franziska. A small girl was hiding in a corner crying hysterically.

"Mystic Maya! Waaaaah!"

He looked at her with pity but continued on and eventually found Franziska cracking her whip at people trying to get on the lifeboat she was guarding.

"We had a deal!" he yelled in her face. She took the money out of her pocket and threw it back at him.

"I am not a whore to pay!" she screamed back and gave him a good whipping. He retreated back to where he saw the little girl and scooped her up in his arms, making his way to the front of the bewildered group.

"I have a child! Let me pass!" He pulled a sad, puppy face at First Officer Wendy Oldbag. "Please, let her have a chance to blossom into a beautiful young woman."

"Kids these days! Alright, go ahead."

He ran past her still holding the little girl and got in a lifeboat. He cradled the young girl in his arms when she suddenly latched onto the girl next to Phoenix.

"Mystic Maya!"

"Pearly! You're alive! How can I call Gourdy if you're not around?!"

"I'm sorry! But this nice man saved me!"

"Wow, thanks, mister! I'm Maya!" she said as she stuck her hand out for him to shake.

"Um, I'm Phoenix Wright."

"Hey, I'll call you 'Nick' to make things shorter. Thanks for saving my cousin, Pearl! Let's be friends!"

After escaping their near-death experience with the hazard that is the gate, they charged up the slanting smoking room where they found Adrian standing in front of the fireplace looking at the clock on top of it.

"Miss Andrews!" Miles stopped next to her, Larry obediently doing the same. Adrian slowly turned to them. "Miss Andrews, aren't you going to try to survive this?"

"Miles… EVERYTHING I TOUCH ENDS IN FAILURE!" she cried as she flung herself onto the stunned man. "I can't go on like this… first I lose Celeste, and then this happens… AM I USELESS?!"

Larry was about to say the most asshole thing ever to come to mind when Jean Armstrong burst on the scene.

"No need to worry, zis little French girl will save you!" he said as he picked Adrian up, took her outside, and dumped her overboard.

"Why is it that it's always someone else that he takes outside when we're around?" Larry asked once Adrian and Jean disappeared.

"I don't know, but we have to get to the stern right now!"

They made a beeline for the stern, making sure to not get separated no matter what. The ship was nearly vertical when they reached the stern, holding onto the railing for dear life.

"Larry?"

Larry looked at his finely-dressed companion.

"This is where you supposedly tried to rape me," Miles said with a smile. Larry kissed his friend's forehead and held onto him tightly as the ship began to snap in two.

The sound was deafening. Random parts of the ship were flying out the sides of the ship where it broke from the stress and people were falling into the water more and more constantly. Larry and Miles crawled over the edge of the stern and watched as more people continued to fall, some hitting other people, others hitting parts of the ship, and others lucky enough to only hit water. The stern slammed back into the water as the tear grew larger, and water filled in where the separation started. Then, as suddenly as the break, the stern rose again to a completely vertical position.

"Larry, the ship's going to suck us down with it! We have to make sure we reach the surface!"

"How do you know all this?"

"I'm an upper-class rich boy who was well educated and wants to be a woman. What more is there to say?"

The last parts of the stern sank, sucking many people down with it. Larry wasn't able to hold onto Miles as well as he thought, and Miles was left to fend for himself.

"Larry!" he cried as he found himself surrounded by people screaming and flailing about. He looked around but couldn't find his one true best friend.

"Wow, that was quite a show! Look at what ants they are!" Dahlia laughed as she watched the passengers struggling in the water with her periscope. Shelly de Killer, the only one of her crew that wasn't a complete idiot, spotted something on the sonar.

"Madam, if I may?"

"Go ahead, de Killer."

"There are some blips on the screen, and I assure you, they are not the two halves of the Gantanic. And they are getting closer."

"WHAT?!" She looked at the screen, and sure enough, several blips were reading on the screen.

"Miles! Over here!"

Larry's shout caught Miles by surprise, but all the same he was glad his friend was alive. He was led to a large wooden door where Larry made him lay.

"Get on, too! We can cuddle for warmth!"

"Sorry, but until you get your girlie parts, that's not gonna happen."

Miles pouted, but didn't argue. Somewhere beyond the screams of the people in the water, a voice was heard floating from the lifeboats.

"OOOOH! OOOOH!" Maya cried as she flapped her arms, her voice going into an upward pitch at the end. Phoenix was getting irritated.

"Will you please stop that childish banter?!"

"But I'm calling for help! Mia, Mistress of the Sea, will come with Gourdy!"

"THERE IS NO GOURDY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"

As soon as he said that, a large sea creature resembling a giant, long-necked dinosaur, emerged from the depths of the ocean. Several others joined it, and on one of them a woman wearing seashells on her special spots stood on its head. Say that ten times fast—seashells on her special spots, seashells on her special spots, seashells…

"Hey! It's Mia, Mistress of the Sea!" Maya called out in surprise. Mia turned to look at the one who called her name and smiled at her.

"My friends, go rescue the poor souls drowning over there!" she called to them and they lurched forward to gather up anyone who wasn't in a boat. The one she stood on remained stationary.

"Are you the one who called to me daily?" she asked Maya. Maya nodded happily.

"Thank you for keeping faith in me. Thanks to your efforts and the efforts of many others, not a single life was lost on this ship. But, unfortunately, at least one life has to be taken. Gourdy, you know what I mean."

The sea monster let out a mighty "OOOOH!" of its own and dove underwater. The sounds of teeth clamping around metal were heard beneath them, and the monster resurfaced with a submarine in its mouth. Mia climbed over to the door of the submarine.

"Dahlia, you can come out now. Your little game is over."

The door opened and Dahlia and her crew spilled out into the ocean.

"Good. Now, Gourdy, call for your friends."

"OOOOH! OOOOH!"

The rest of the sea creatures regrouped to their leader and stared hungrily at the Nazi party.

"Everyone, this is what happens if you try to cross swords with the Mistress of the Sea."

Gourdy dipped his head in the water and bit down on Dahlia, making sure to chew her up before swallowing her. Gasps and sounds of vomiting hitting the water can be heard all around.

"Hmm, that's one sexy kitten there," Godot said to himself with a smile as he settled on Gourdy's back. Mia turned to face the man who spoke.

"If you do not wish to join Dahlia, I suggest you stay quiet."

"Ooh, feisty. Alright, I'll do as you like."

They remained floating for another hour or so until the Skye Scraper arrived to pick them up. Of course, the Gourdy clones made sure to eat the rest of the Nazis and dump the passengers back in the sea before anyone on the ship could see them. That was the last of the Mistress of the Sea anyone ever saw.

"So, what happened with you and Larry? Did you stay best friends?" Apollo asked.

"Unfortunately, no. I got my girlie parts and after awhile he broke up with me for some cheap model floozy. Afterward he constantly got rejected by every girl he ever went with. He should've stuck with me. I would've treated him right."

"What about Phoenix? Where'd he end up?" Ema asked.

"I think he joined Hitler and became a Nazi. And I know you want to know about Miss Andrews, right? She and Franziska got real close to one another, and she never again wondered if she was useless. Mr. Godot spent the rest of his life searching for Mia, but he never found her. He died a very lonely death. Gumshoe and Maggey lived full and happy lives. Will went on to become a children's super hero, and Jean owned his own French restaurant for awhile. As for Maya and Pearl, those two became famous for being the ones to rescue everyone from a horrible death. They lived a wealthy life from then on."

"Well, that was the worst story I've ever heard. I mean, come one, sea monsters led by a naked woman, an officer who runs around the ship dumping passengers into the sea, Nazis chasing after said sea monsters, and people stupid enough to make the same mistakes as the people from the Titanic incident?! And how stupid are people to admit a man onto a life boat as a woman?" Apollo sighed as he sat back down.

"I assure you, it's not all stupid," Mila said calmly.

That night was the last night of the search for the Magatama. While everyone was partying Mila went over to a quiet part of the boat and peered into the water.

"Ooooh! Oooooh!" she cried. The Mistress of the Sea, Mia, poked her head out of the water. She hadn't aged since the last time Mila saw her.

"I believe this belongs to you and your family," Mila said as she held out the Magatama to her. Mia took it and looked at it lovingly.

"Thank you. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes, there is. I want to confirm something. Could you please remove your seashells for me?"

Mia was disgusted at the old woman's requestion but did so anyway. Mila stared at the voluptuous chest for a few moments, then nodded.

"Thank you."

"May I ask what that was about?"

Mila smiled, a hint of bitterness in her tone. "Hmm, either I've gone lesbian or I'm straight after all."

The End

Author's note: thank you for reading this crack fanfic. I wrote it because I needed to let off some stress and I thought I'd test out my crack side of my brain. I want to thank my friend who provided the "my wand is bigger than yours" and the "it's easier to make a hole than it is to make a pole" quotes. Thank you Moulin Rouge and my cousin for the "I've paid my whore" quote. If you didn't like it, feel free to flame me, 'cause I know I offended many Edgeworth fans. And hey, I like Edgeworth too, which is why I picked on him. Oh, and thanks to my brother who suggested that Edgeworth be our Rose. Things worked out so much better than if I stuck with Adrian as Rose.

Thank you once again for reading and reviewing my fanfic. Your reviews inspire me to continue to write crack and whatever else you might want to see. Please send me in your requests for pairings, movie parodies, and whatever else you might want. Thank you all again.