Big thanks to Kokoronagomu, my first reviewer. Who reviews not only this fic, but every other one of my stories. And some of you can't even leave a one worded review for ONE.

Pathetic. :wink:

Eh. long as someone's reading, it's fine by me. :)

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. How sad is that?


Dear Cupid, I Want You Dead

Inuyasha's Guide To Flowers

Inuyasha may not have been an expert on Kagome's era, but his knowledge was broadened on some subjects more than others. For example, the big demon thingies, "air-row plains" that flew in the sky all the time? He'd gotten used to seeing them and no longer tried to use his windscar to shoot them out of the sky (but only because Kagome had sat him at least a million times the one time he did). And the math problems Kagome was always complaining about? He didn't see the problem with them! The answers were always the same: just ask the person who made up the damn problem.

But one thing neither him or Miroku were sure of...

"What the hell is a florist?"

Inuyasha and Miroku sauntered down the cheerful streets of Tokyo, Miroku's sandals making a flopping noise against the pavement and Inuyasha's bare feet keeping in step beside them. The two couldn't help but give the passerbys puzzled looks; they were all wearing over-sized coats and scarfs, thick boots and other closed in shoes on their feet. They were acting like it was so cold!

And okay, there was little white snowflakes falling in tiny flurries out of the sky, but so what? Big babies. It had to be what, summer?

"Mommy, why is that tall guy with the hat walking around with no shoes in winter?" A small girl with two lopsided pigtails asked, tugging on her mother's coat as the pair passed. The woman wrinkled her nose in disapproval.

"Honey, you just ignore the strange men," She cooed in an assuring tone, pushing her daughter ahead of her. "Crazy lunatics," she muttered under her breath.

"So, what exactly are we getting thse flowers from this...Florist place for?" Miroku asked, casting repeated nervous glances around him. "Kagome's time sure is...lively." He added with mild fascination.

"I don't know!" Inuyasha snapped, sticking his tongue out at a little boy who wouldn't stop staring at him, his blue eyes wide with wonder. "Kagome just starts talking and I just get bored, so I ignore her." He sighed. "You sure are lucky Sango doesn't rant and rave about pointless and stupid...Miroku?" Inuyasha glanced around. "Miroku!"

He finally spotted Miroku across the street near some stone statue of a human with water pooling in the bottom of it (A futon? Found-tian?), his arms crossed and a sly grin on his face. Two giggling girls were in front of him, their cheeks pink and their skirts so short you could probably see their "goodies" if the wind blew hard enough.

So it wasn't just Kagome who felt the need to wear a lack of clothes!

"So, ladies," Miroku was saying in a silky smooth voice, his eyebrows waggling. Inuyasha wanted to gag. "Nature may behold infinite beauty, but I've never seen anything quite as radiant as you."

The line was so cheesy and even worse, the girls were eating right out of the palm of his lecherous hand! "Well, you aren't too bad looking yourself, handsome," one of the girls said, resting her hand on his shoulder. "The dress has got to go, but-"

"It's a robe," Miroku said, slightly frowning.

"Whatever." The girl flipped her light brown hair over her shoulder, her friend putting her hand on Miroku's other shoulder. He grinned.

"Oh Miroku!" Inuyasha called, tromping over to his side, his face in a perfectly innocent expression. The girls turned their heads to glance at him, their eyelids raised in bewilderment at his attire. And they'd thought the monk was oddly dressed... "We have to get over to that flower shop if we're going to find the perfect blooms for your fiancee!"

On the word "fiancee" the girls' jaws dropped, their eyes rapidly filling with anger. "You're engaged?" They asked in unison, their voices raised. Miroku's eye twitched.

"Ladies, ladies!" He started, but their hands were already reeling back, their eyes filled with disgust.

Smack!

Smack!

"Ouch." Inuyasha tried his best to suppress his snickering as the girls flounced away, their noses in the air and their mouths in a thin line. Miroku was standing motionless on the sidewalk, two glaring red hand prints on each side of his face. "You know, I think they might have heard the sound of those hits in my era."

"Be quiet." Miroku glared at him. "That wasn't funny."

"Are you sure this marriage thing is right for you?" The hanyou asked. "Because anytime you go around hitting on girls who are most likely no older than fourteen, that's considered a bad sign. In fact, I think Kagome told me a word for that once...pedophilia, I believe?"

"Let's just go to this shop of flowers," Miroku grumbled between clenched teeth, heading for the street. "The faster we get back through the well the faster I can- oh good god!"

Inuyasha grabbed his collar just before he was flattened to the ground by a big monster looking contraption, a loud blast of sound blaring from it and an angry man shaking his fist towards the cowering monk. "Oy! What in the world was that thing?!"

"Kagome calls them cars," Inuyasha said in a slow drone, as if Miroku were dense. "And they hit morons like you who don't look both ways before crossing the road." He let go of Miroku's collar. "Idiot."

After another half an hour wandering aimlessly around Inuyasha decided the directions Kagome gave him could just go to hell and tossed them in a trashcan, relying on his nose to guide them instead. A few more distractions (Miroku became completely fascinated by a churro stand at one of the street corners), a couple of points in the right direction from helpful natives, and a sniff here and there later, Inuyasha and Miroku were standing in front of a slightly run down, brick crumbling building. Inuyasha's eyes scanned across the sign that sat atop the low roof:

Amia Toshinki's Memorial Memories: Because once they're dead and forgotten in the ground, somebody needs to pretend to care.

"Great! Found it!" Inuyasha nodded in triumph, heading for the door. Miroku's eyebrows raised in reluctance.

"Are you sure?" He asked slowly, examining the sign. "Kagome makes this celebration thing she'd throwing sound like a joyous occasion. This place sounds just plain sad."

"Well, they've got flowers." Inuyasha nodded towards the floral arrangements in the display window. "So I ain't complaining. Now hurry up so we can get back. My feet are cold."

The pair pulled open the glass doors, stepping inside the shop. It was considerably colder than outside, and a lot darker, give or take a few candles scattered throughout the store. A bored woman dressed in all black with multiple piercings was behind a counter, a long smoking stick in her mouth (Kagome had called them "death sticks" Inuyasha remembered), flipping through some kind of book.

"Welcome to Amia Toshinki's Memorial Memories," The girl droned, not even bothering to look up. "Like the slogan, somebody needs to pretend to care. That's why I'm here." She looked up. "That and I need money to pay for my therapy bills. May I help you?"

Inuyasha blinked. This girl was creepy. "Um...yeah," He said awkwardly, scratching his neck. "I'm kind of looking for some flowers for my girlfriend. For a party."

The girl gave him a bored look. "You guys celebrate deaths or something?" She smirked. "Cool."

"Um, no! It's a...what did she say...Valentine's Day celebration?" Inuyasha wrinkled his nose. "Or something like that. And he got engaged so we're celebrating that to." Inuyasha pointed towards Miroku, who was lingering by the front door. The girl rested her chin in her hands.

"Why are you wearing a dress?" She asked the monk. He raised an eyebrow.

"Why do you have a ring sticking in your nose?" He asked, genuinely curious. The girl snorted.

'Weak comeback." She held up her book again. "Look, don't waste my time. I already have two arrangements to do for a funeral today and I don't need cupid-seeking-morons distracting me." She sighed. "It's bad enough the satanic salespeople have been coming in here, hounding me with their frigging red and pink all day."

"Funeral arrangements? Cupid-seeking?" Inuyasha blinked, puzzled. "What's a coopid-"

As if on cue, the door to the shop suddenly banged open and a man dressed in what looked to be an over-sized diaper galloped in, angel wings on his back and an over eager grin on his pasty face. A massive, frilly pink decorated cart was behind him and he was wearing a pink t shirt that read Ask me about deliveries!

"Hello, friends!" He sad grandly, throwing out his arms, not noticing Miroku's look of horror or him scurrying away from the door, his eyes wide. He gestured towards his cart, beckoning the half demon forward. "I am cupid, here to make this Valentine's day the best one you've ever had! Check out these amazing deals on our new merchandise!"

"What...are you...talking about?" Inuyasha managed to gasp through his shock, his eyes twitching and his arm raised protectively in front of him, hand in a fist. The man's grin stretched from ear to ear.

"I'll show you!" He began pulling random, over-sized contraptions off the cart, explaining them as he spoke at the speed of lightning. "Confetti!" A small, sparkling pink cylinder suddenly popped, shooting millions of tiny pieces of shiny paper over the store in various shades of pink, red, white, and silver. "Balloons!" He gestured towards the three dozen helium filled balloons shaped like red hearts tied to the side of the cart. "Candy!" He excitedly tossed a handful of heart-shaped candies in the air, one of them flying smack into Miroku's forehead. "Chocolate!"

Inuyasha put a hand over his mouth, covering his nose with his sleeve. Call it the dog in him, but chocolate had always made him sick. Hence why he avoided it like the plague whenever Kagome brought some back to his time for Shippou and the others.

"And best of all..." The man reached behind his back, as if he'd saved the best for last. "Stuffed animals!"

His hands came from behind him and grasped in them was a huge, stuffed bear. One of the extreme cuddly sort. One with a big, stupid grin and a heart in the middle of his furry potbelly, his coal black eyes seeming to stare into Inuyasha's own golden ones. His arms were outstretched, and "cupid" pressed his stomach in with his thumb.

"I wuv you!" The bear said in a goofy voice. "Give me a hug!"

"AHHHH!" Inuyasha and Miroku shrieked; Miroku covered his eyes, yelling "Ghastly!" And Inuyasha whipped out his tetsusaiga from his side, swinging it over his head with a primitive battle cry. The man let out a scream.

"What-"

"Wind scar!" Inuyasha bellowed, hitting the cart with another growl, the entire collage of "evil" merchandise bursting into flame and exploding in a mass of pink, white, and red. The man in the diaper fell to the floor, his hands over his head and the girl behind the counter let out a terrified shriek. Inuyasha and Miroku made a wild dash out of the store forgetting to preserve even a shred of dignity; they sprinted at top speed with their arms waving over their heads, shrieking like hysterical maniacs and ignoring the shocked looks they were given from people around them.

"Demon...bear!" Inuyasha panted.

"Condemned...era...of evil!" Miroku shouted. "Save us!"

Within record breaking time the duo had made it back to the shrine and all but threw themselves into the well; Inuyasha's knees were knocking together in terror and Miroku's breath was coming in shallow gasps. Within a few seconds, however, bright sunlight filled the well and a soft breeze drifted down in their tight space. The two let out sighs of relief.

"Kagome's time sure can be scary," Inuyasha breathed, taking a deep gulp of air, his hand on his chest. "I don't know what coopid's deal was, but I hope him and Kagome's "Valentine's day" burn in hell!"

Miroku gathered enough composure to give the hanyou an irritated glare.

"Something tells me," he said. "That we went to the wrong store."


Road test tomorrow. :panics: Had to get the nerves out some kind of positive way.

Next Chapter: Sango's Guide to Guests