Three words. Three little words. Why was it so hard to say them?
Mahoja had been brave her entire life. Brave when it came to fighting for her comrades, brave when it came to serving the Black Order, brave in anything Anita needed from her. But Mahoja had never been brave for herself. In the one thing that mattered most, telling the woman before her how she truly felt, Mahoja had never been courageous enough just to say those three little words. And now she would never have the chance.
The five exorcists were climbing into the lifeboat, that one last lifeboat the crew had managed to save. Mahoja knew that without the exorcists, she would already be dead. She was grateful for the extra time they'd given her, for the power of Miranda's innocence. But even so, Mahoja couldn't help feeling a pang of resentment. Why did it have to end like this? Mahoja had never shrunk from dedicating herself to Anita-sama, to serving the Black Order, but she didn't want to die. She didn't want Anita to die.
It was all because of that bastard, Cross Marian. If that man had possessed one shred of responsibility, the Order wouldn't have to send exorcists out to hunt him down. If he hadn't taken that ship to Japan, if that ship hadn't been destroyed, Anita wouldn't have been set on finding him herself. If he'd just… If he'd just… Damn you, Cross!
Chaoji boarded the lifeboat, the last of her three surviving crew members. The price, oh God the price of this one voyage. To lose so many good men. To lose Anita. Nothing could justify that price. No good Cross Marian could ever do would be able to pay it back. This was all his fault. This had always been his fault. All of her regrets could be laid at his feet.
And none of the blame lies with you, a voice asked. Just because Anita cared for him, that doesn't mean she never could have cared for you. That's what this is really about, isn't it?
A tear rolled down Mahoja's cheek as she watched Anita say her last goodbyes to the men and women on the lifeboat. Anita's beautiful black hair was gathered in a ponytail, locked with the remaining ring her mother had given her. Mahoja would never touch that hair again, would never have the pleasure of brushing it for her mistress, would never again hear Anita's soft moans of pleasure whenever Mahoja massaged her scalp or washed her hair.
There were so many things she would miss, so many things she would regret. But three, above all others. Those three simple words Mahoja could never bring herself to say.
And now it was too late. Mahoja couldn't tell Anita now, couldn't ruin her mistress's last moments. Anita had dedicated her life to serving the Black Order. Anita had thrown her heart at Cross Marian's feet, even if the man had never possessed enough simple decency to notice the gesture. But even so, Anita had always been happy with the choices she made. Anita had no regrets. And Mahoja knew her mistress well. She knew that if she confessed how she felt now, Anita would finally have something to regret. Anita would spend her last moments in pain, wondering what she could have done differently for Mahoja.
Mahoja had made it her life's duty to protect her mistress. And as she watched Chomesuke, Cross Marian's tame AKUMA, pull the lifeboat away from the ship, she fully understood her last duty in life. Anita had to be protected from Mahoja herself. Anita could not be asked to bear that burden, in these last seconds. Mahoja's feelings would die with her, never spoken to another soul.
But if she couldn't say them, at least she could think them.
Wo ai ni, Anita-sama.
