Okay Cowboys. A second Chapter. And so quick! This started out as humor. But all the sudden it turned the other way. Ah, yes. Rated for hardcore making out, a bit of language, and severe self-whumping angst courtesy of our favorite 150-year-old sexy ranchero man.
Jesse's Vantage Point
She looked so adorable. One eyebrow up, brown waves of hair all in her face. It was stuck to her lipgloss again, like it always does. So I reached over and brushed it out of her face. She rolled her eyes at me and smiled, slipping the key in the ignition. I wondered how much bribing she'd had to do for Brad to allow her to snag the Land Rover. I need to get a car. It annoys me to no end that she has to drive me everywhere. She loves it however, which only makes it worse. My eyes trailed over her outfit. A black and white strapless tea dress, and of course those ridiculous red high heels. I wondered if she knew how tempting her collarbone looked, cast in relief by street lamps and the headlights of the few cars that passed us on our way to the movie theatre.
"You're quiet all the sudden." She said, softly, delicately. There was no sarcasm in her tone, she was just stating a fact.
"Just, just thinking, Querida." I said, reaching over once again to brush my hand across her cheek.
"Anything exciting going on up there." She smiled, gesturing to my head. I grinned softly back.
"Nothing you'd be interested in." I implied as we parked close to the theatre building.
"Ah, so Practical Theory Since Plato then." She sighed knowingly, bobbing her head slightly. "Ah how you bore me so, my love." She put her head back and closed her eyes, pretending to snore. I pulled her towards me. She didn't open her eyes.
"Let me show you something more exciting then." I placed my lips on hers and she responded immediately. Fire burned throughout my limbs and in the pit of my stomach as we deepened the kiss. I gently licked her lower lip and she moaned into me. I smiled, pulling her over the the gear shift and into my lap. She fit there perfectly. I lifted her up, hands on her waist, and she wrapped her legs around me. Her dress was hiked up much too high. I couldn't see it, but I could feel her bare thighs against the thin cotton of my shirt. I had no control. My hands started exploring the nape of her neck, her upper back, lower, the small of her back, her waist, her ribs. I stopped myself, returning to her waist. My lips had a mind of their own however, and all I could think of was the soft curves of her delicate collarbone. The supple tendons of her neck. I trailed kisses down her jaw. Her neck. I groaned lightly as she did an exploration of her own. Placing her hands on my stomach, up to my chest, rubbing in quick circles up to my shoulders, my back. Finally tangling her fingers in my hair and kissing my neck, behind my ear. I shuddered, with, what I can only explain as pleasure, but it was much much more than that. I loved her. My Susannah. My Querida. I wanted every bit of her, to bottle her like ambrosia.
My blood stopped cold. Without realizing it, she'd unbuttoned my shirt. Her hands were underneath it, slowly but inexorably pulling it down over my shoulders. Without realizing it, I'd unzipped the back of her dress. My fingers fumbling down to the clasp on her bra. I panicked, pushing her off of me. She tumbled out of my lap. Her expression hurt and frustrated. I closed my eyes, brows knitting together as I buttoned up my shirt.
"Susannah, I'm--"
"No, Jesse, you don't need to apologize. I wanted that. You know I'm okay with that. More than okay. You're so frustrating." The steel in her voice slowly melted to exasperation.
I gave her a long-suffering look, suddenly furious, though at what, I wasn't sure. "Querida, you know why we can't. I'm not rejecting you. You, Susannah, are the only one I could spend my entire life with. You know this. You know I love you." I started.
"Why do I feel a but coming along?" She said, suddenly defensive at my tone. I averted my eyes as she zipped her dress back up.
"Because there is one, Querida. Outside of wedlock it's not proper to have physical relations. I have to apologize for taking advantage of the situation and defiling your virtue. It's not mine to take." I repeated to her. Knowing she was annoyed once more at my old fashioned ways. But I just couldn't let go of everything I'd be brought up to believe. Guilt was seeping through me, saturating my conscience. What had I done? Until we were married, which may or may not be in the near future, a hands off policy was in order. She groaned at me and rolled her eyes.
"Oh, Jesse," She puffed angrily. I met her eyes. "But it is yours. All of it. All of me." I gave her a pained look.
"Not yet, Susannah! Not yet!" I cried out, raising my voice at her for the first time ever. My frustration simmered like an active volcano and I took it out on her. I couldn't stand it. My own weakness, her willingness to sink into sin. It was all too much.
"I can't do this Susannah. I can't do any of it." I raked my hands through my black hair, noticing dispassionately that it was getting longer, something that it hadn't done in 150 years. I caught her look.
"What do you mean Jesse?" Her voice squeaked an octave higher. "Are you, are you..."
"Will you drive me home please, Susannah." I said, trying not to let the heat of my anger, more at myself than at her, colour my tone. It came out sounding cold. It couldn't be helped. I saw the flash of pain and confusion on her face. She just... Didn't realize! I was being sorely tempted. I knew she meant well, but it just wasn't working. I couldn't control myself when I kissed her. The flash of pain I saw cross her face was unbearable. I couldn't stand it. It was worse than anything. I was hurting her. I loved her but I was hurting her. It was almost more than I could take. I almost got down and begged her to forgive me, tell her that it was alright and I would give in. But it wasn't alright. Not one bit. Because I was shaking from head to toe with the stir of mixed emotions in my head. I was fighting with her. I was fighting with my Susannah. My Querida. It was the worst experience of my life.
I tried to reach out to her as the SUV pulled in front of my tiny apartment building. But she shook her head, and I dropped my hand to my side. We didn't say a word in parting.
That night was the worst night I've ever had. I couldn't shut my eyes, mulling over how a simple date could have gone so wrong. I slept in fits and starts, waking cold and sweating, my sheets twisted and my heart pounding. A fearful shout locked in the back of my throat. I couldn't remember exactly what my nightmares were about. But I knew that in all of them I lost my Susannah. I don't really remember how I passed the long hours of the night. I knew I cried a little. I knew I stared blankly at the ceiling for a long time. But mostly I thought. Of how stupid I'd been. Of that look of pain on her face. Like I'd slapped her. I'd never lay a hand on her. Except somehow this had seemed so much worse.
I hated myself. Why couldn't I have just given her what she wanted? Or at least just brush it off again. But it was building up inside. All those times I'd slipped up, and unto shaky ground. It was clear I couldn't keep a handle on myself. Clear that I couldn't keep my emotions, and worse, my hormones, bottled up. I'd failed. Both myself and her. I didn't deserve her. She was too good, too strong, too brave and too, ugh, Susannah.
The next day was just as bad. I put off getting out of bed, even if I couldn't sleep anyway. I skipped mass, feeling too dirty to show my face in the house of God. I even skipped work. A talk at the Historical Society. I didn't even bother to call in sick. Didn't even bother to answer when they called me. I just couldn't care about things so menial. I'd hurt my Susannah, that was all that mattered. I was worthless.
I was so confused. There was no ups or downs. I couldn't tell right from wrong. One moment I'd be absolutely, 100 positive I'd done the right thing by finally bringing the issue out into the open. The next I was so unsure that I'd start shaking all over again. I punished myself by not eating and forcing myself to sit through three hours of game shows. I don't even know which ones. I just stared blankly at the screen, thinking of my ignominy. I realized at one point I had been banging my head on the wall, staring at the ceiling of my bedroom, for nearly an hour. Only becoming aware of the fact when the headache started. But I deserved it. So I continued for another hour.
When I finally decided to eat it was the most bland thing I could find. Plain oatmeal. It burned my tongue on the way down, searing my throat and making me choke back in pain. I cried again. But not from the physical sort of pain.
I settled down early for another sleepless night, not bothering to change out of the t-shirt and boxers I'd been wearing since the night before. I was a trainwreck. I needed to talk to Father Dominic. I'd do it first thing in the morning.
The next night was as bad as the last. Each time I'd fall asleep, I'd jerk awake. Palpitations in my chest making me cough and wheeze. I was a mess. Worse. Nombre de Dios! I was a less than a worm. I felt abandoned and alone, and I wondered where the hell God had gone and left me in this mess. I tried to do the right thing. But maybe it was too late for me. Maybe I wasn't good enough to forgive. Maybe I'd had my chance to be with Susannah and blew it. My breath sucked in at this thought. I shuddered violently. My whole body trembled and my muscles twitched from exhaustion. I could barely breathe. My air was cut off by an unseen force.
I wasn't supposed to live. Not again. I was supposed to have stayed a ghost. I wasn't good enough for this world. I should have died and stayed dead, all back in the 1850s. I was being punished for this irreverent and unnatural twist of fate.
I needed to talk to Father Dominic.
Not depressing at all eh? Yeah. He sure did beat himself up over everything. It hurt doing this to him. It really did. But it needed to be done. Because honestly, the first draft of this chapter, all humourous and shit, well, it sucked more than a Hoover. Hope you enjoy this draft though. Review!
