Title:
"To be in control" – Part
4/5
Characters:
Colby.
Rating:
M.
Spoilers:
None.
Warnings:
None.
Summary:
Colby goes for a ride.
Author's note: This was written for the "All about Colby" challenge on savecolby community all over at LiveJournal.
Feedback: I love feedback. :)
Disclaimer:
I do not own Numb3rs or anything related to it.
Beta:Thanks
to my amazing beta.
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To be in Control
Part 4/5
What does it feel like to be alone with the road?
Awareness of reality.
It's just you and Mother Nature all around. Soft wind caressing your face… making you feel alive…
Making you realize that life itself is worthy.
Of course there are lots of things you need to fix. You're not perfect. No one is.
But you have to carry a heavier burden than most people, and you know it.
You sweat when you enter the field. You sweat when people are around you. You sweat every time you open your mouth to express an opinion.
They're all watching. All the time.
And yet, you're here.
On the road, there are no witnesses. There are no victims of your past actions.
There are no limits.
Because once you've hit the floor and you've realized that you've been building a lie… a lie that has come out, so your secret screws up your life… then you don't have anything left to lose. You've wasted it all, and there are no broken pieces you can pick and try to put together again.
The only thing you can do is deal with the problem and start from scratch. It'll always be hard, and you won't always be supported. But that's your only hope, so you hold on to it, trying not to let go, no matter what happens… And eventually, little by little, your world starts to connect again with others, it starts to gain a similar shape to the one that thing called "life" has.
The main issue is how to keep it that way, how to keep yourself going. Thank God for free days. They bring the only moments your mind can think in peace.
Without the sounds of the city. Without the feeling of knowing that the coffee machine needs to be fixed. Without the awareness that you have to choose the right words very carefully, because anything you say can make you lose the little part of trust you've been able to win back.
You're face to face with your thoughts. You connect with your own conscience.
It's not nice. Some memories just can't be erased.
But they can be put beside the new ones, the loving fresh memories that the present creates. And the good moments can make up for the sad ones; they can even make the ones you most regret start to hurt a little less.
This is what the road provides. This is what a moment for yourself can bring up. A chance to measure what you've lost and what you've achieved. A chance to evaluate the changes and count how many people are still willing to back you up.
They'll be there for you. A long time ago, they had their doubts about you, but they forgave you. That's what really matters. That's real friendship.
And when you have real friends, you have a real life.
You're real.
You have to take care of your people. You can do anything you want, as long as you're prudent. You can't push your loved ones' limits again; you need to make them feel sure that you're not holding more secrets from them.
Oh, well. You'll always have secrets. You'll never tell them that you like to bake brownies while being naked. You'll never let them know you like to go running and take several showers during your free day. And they'll surely never find out that you love to take your Harley Davidson for a ride on the evening so you can thank them in silence for their unconditional support.
They even let you take the day away from them; they don't bother you when you need time. They know you have to take a step aside for a few hours, and they never get mad at you because of that.
So, thanks. Thanks to all of them.
The road is empty. You're about to reach the city again. Does that matter? Yeah, it probably does. But your people are waiting to see you tomorrow again, you're an important part of their lives. You need to support them and to fulfill your duties as much as you can, as long as you can, as well as you can.
And so, you take a deep breath and head towards the streets or L.A. Sure, it's not a safe world, and maybe it'll never be. But people are trying to live the best way they can. Just like you.
You can do it. You can go back to dangerous land, because you're wiser, you have a better understanding of things and relationships. You won't let yourself go down the same wrong path again.
You can return because you've fixed it all.
And because you've learned to be fearless.
So go. There is nothing to be afraid of.
You're in absolute control of yourself.
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A/N: FEEDBACK IS LOVE.
