"Mori-senpai, I love you."

Hearing it for the second time, it became truer still, as did the pain and fear that came with it. Rain rolled like teardrops down his tough, stony features, and he stood there, trying to swallow the desire to respond in the selfish manner that would only end in his misery. But in the end, he failed to contain his self-serving wishes, and he reached out to her, closing the gap between them as he held her in his arms. He felt the reassuring sensation of hands on his back, and gently lifted her off her feet in his troubled enthusiasm. He knew that he would end up lonely because of this, but it was worth it for whatever time he would have with her between now and then. It had to be. He tried to imagine how he would feel when it ended and she was taken away from him, but he decided that no matter how horrible that feeling was, it couldn't be any more painful than this feeling was blissful. So he allowed himself this guilty pleasure, wholly aware of his impending doom. He held her head in his hand, absently running his fingers through her wet hair.

"Ah." He couldn't bring himself to say the words that would more clearly express his feelings. It seemed like it would be cursing himself to say it so directly. But however often he'd used the same word to express sentiments that were completely separate and unrelated to this, and however impersonal it seemed, that quiet, simple response was alarmingly heartfelt. He knew what it meant, she knew what it meant, and it didn't matter if the significance was indistinguishable to everybody else in the world. Because nobody else mattered. And at that moment, nobody else existed. Because at that moment, the single most important thing to him was making sure she knew that he loved her, even if he didn't say it the same way she did. The raindrops on his face confused themselves with the tears that he had been unable to keep himself from shedding, out of overwhelming fear, joy, confusion, relief, but ultimately… satisfaction.

-Edited Memory Due to Wishful Hindsight-

He silently scolded himself for questioning his previous decision. It had been a decision, after all. Nobody had forced him to walk away. He alone had told himself to hold back out of anticipation of his own pain. And he knew that he was right to do so, and he shouldn't allow himself to regret doing what was right. Besides, no matter how hard he reluctantly wished to change what had happened, he couldn't change it. He had walked away. And if nothing else, this was what he got for walking away. Not being with her was his punishment for refusing to be with her.

The moment that that thought occurred to him, he immediately wished it hadn't. He didn't want to think of not being with her as a punishment. For one thing, he needed to move on and accept that he could never have her, and for another thing, it was a selfish thought. It was the reason he was so troubled. By liking her- by loving her- by being loved by her, he was denying the other club members- his competition- the opportunity to pursue her. Selfish. And besides that, he was setting himself up to get hurt, just for the sake of momentary pleasure. Selfish. Selfish and irrational. But then, wasn't it also selfish to deny both Haruhi and himself the opportunity to be together, just for the sake of saving himself from pain in the future? No matter what he did, it was a selfish thing to do, and thinking back on it, he would have rather chosen the option that made him and Haruhi happy, than the one that made the rest of the host club happy, and kept everything the way that he knew very well that it should be. And that was more selfish than anything else.

For that he needed to be punished.

--

I wish I understood how Takashi was feeling. I wish I knew what he was thinking about. Normally, he tells me these things, even if not necessarily out loud. Usually, he lets me know. He lets me see what's bothering him. He always answers my questions about his feelings when I ask him, because he would never lie to me, or ignore me, and he always makes it so that I know exactly what to ask, but also so that only I know what to ask. And I like that he does it that way, because it makes me feel like I know him better. For this particular thing, even if it's just this one thing, it's something that I can understand more completely than anybody else in the world, and that's so rewarding for me. I love that he makes it that way, because he knows how happy it makes me to be able to ask exactly the right question, so that I can understand exactly what he's thinking.

But today, I didn't know what question to ask. For what I'm pretty sure was the first time, I understood how other people felt when they looked at him. It was very strange for me, because he was completely unreadable. I know that when people look at Takashi, they're always afraid of him, or confused by him, because they don't know what he's thinking or how he's feeling, because he knows how to keep them from knowing. But I've never been afraid or confused before, because he always lets me know. He knows how to let me know without letting anybody else know, and he uses that ability because he knows it makes me feel special.

He never finished his cake.

Today, at the club, he didn't let me know what he was thinking, even though he could have done it without letting Haru-chan know. There's something bothering him that he won't even let me understand, and today, for the first time, I was confused by him. I was even a little bit afraid. Not of him, but for him. If whatever it was that was bothering him was so bad that he couldn't even let me understand, what kind of trouble could he possibly be in? But then, I was also a little afraid for myself. Because it might not be something horrible. It might just be that he didn't want me to know, even though he knows that it makes me feel important. Maybe he doesn't want me to feel important.

Am I not important to him anymore?

A/N: Eee! I just glanced at the published version of From a Distance, as well as chapter 1 of this story, and realized that the first lines are repeating themselves for some reason. Please don't think I'm insane and repetitive because of this! My computer just has major beef with my publishing things on FanFiction (as it does with most things), I guess. Sorry about this! I'll see if I can do anything to fix it in the later chapters, but no promises!