Disclaimers: Same as chapter 1.
Chapter 2: Can we have a Snape in the Garden?
The adolescent population of Hogwarts would like to add a clarifying disclaimer to my unkind remark about them needing to think up a new lie. Hence- Factual Corrections deemed necessary:
Slytherins are not rampantly promiscuous- they're purebloods and it's tradition.
Gryffindors are not rampantly promiscuous- They are merely trying to keep the playing field level with the Slytherins because we have all of our classes together.
Ravenclaws are not rampantly promiscuous- they are merely ensuring that we have a well-rounded education.
Hufflepuffs are not rampantly promiscuous- They just think that group hugs while wearing no clothes is quite fun.
The staff and administrators of Hogwarts are, sadly and regrettably, rampantly promiscuous. However, they too deny any and all knowledge of sexual deviations, indulgences, and/or orgiastic practices.
Sexual deviations seems to be a muggle term.
Harry had to fire call Albus right after his little discussion with the unicorns. He needed to inform the Headmaster of their new living arrangements, along with mentioning that both Aunt Petunia and Cousin Dudley had seen them. (Vernon had not gone out to look; he just accepted the fact and went on.) Harry decided he also needed Dumbledore to help him place a notice me not charm around the whole perimeter of the Dursleys' house since the beautification projects were occurring too quickly.
Lasting Hope, the baby unicorn, had decided that since Harry had delivered her that she wanted to stay near her adopted mother-figure. The mother unicorn had just nickered kindly at Harry and explained that he was in fact a wizard capable of bearing offspring and that is what the baby meant when he called Harry 'Mumsy'.
That little bit of information went a long way towards making Harry feel 'all-better' about Fudge passing Order of the Ministry Proclamation 1997- 001. aka known as the "Potter Reproduction Act". One reason our precious little man was still a virgin was the fact that he was about as gay as a 3 dollar bill (which incidentally features Bill Clinton) WTF?
So all this stuff has been sorted and the only thing left to do is talk to Uncle Vernon about it. Maybe Uncle Vernon could think of a way to make Fudge change his mind. After all, Uncle Vernon is clever enough to sell drill bits- just maybe he could help Harry.
Aunt Petunia suggested that a nice roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, side dish of vegetables and Yorkshire pudding would not go amiss in putting Uncle Vernon in the mood to help with Harry's 'little problem'. The older man was quite flattered that someone would recognize his obvious brilliance and condescended to listen. Harry found himself telling Vernon the whole story behind the Ministry's decree.
Uncle Vernon took it all very well. His only reaction to Harry's monologue was to cease breathing and become purple in the face. Much to the horror of everyone at the table his resulting eruption took on the proportions of Mt. Etna- all over Petunia.
"That is disgusting!" Petunia hissed as she wiped large patches of make-up off while trying to dry the tea off of her face. Her beautiful white table napkin was stained with various bits of unidentified matter that made her cringe with revulsion.
"What is disgusting, Mummy?" Dudley chimed in. "Is it the fact that Daddy spit tea all over you? Or, that Harry has been ordered to reproduce?"
"Shut up, Dudley. You don't have the vaguest idea what any of this is all about!" Petunia accepted the clean napkin from Harry and murmured, "Thank you, Darling." Quietly to him.
Vernon continued to glare as his nephew refilled his tea cup then sat back down. "Honestly, Uncle Vernon none of this is my fault! I don't want to marry some woman and have children. I don't even like women that way! There has only ever been one person I ever fancied romantically and he definitely won't have anything to do with me! He hates me!"
Vernon lowered his head and put his hand over his eyes. "What did I ever do to deserve this? Why did I get landed with the gay freak from Hell?" He mumbled on this way for another minute or so while the rest of the kitchen's occupants waited for the facts to sink in on him. Then his eyes shot open and a smile appeared on his face.
Duds sank a little deeper into his chair when he saw the maniac look on his father's face. Things were changing too fast to suit Dudley and he was beginning to panic. Both his parents were acting strange at this point and he no longer knew how to react. And, then his mother, the one who loved him unconditionally, just had the audacity to tell him to shut up since he was 'devoid of factual knowledge'. Under the circumstances he felt he was being treated unfairly. He decided to stick around and find out exactly what was happening.
"Finally! He did something right!" Uncle Vernon shouted with joy as he leapt out of his chair, almost sending the table and all of its contents spilling across the unusually clean floor. "He's gay! No more useless Potters in the world. No more Potters! Well done, Harry!" His overly large fist clapped Harry on the shoulder. "You finally did something correct even if it does mean swinging the wrong way in the tree of life!"
Harry sat there totally shocked and slightly terrified. All he managed to mumble was, "You called me Harry."
"Oh, don't let it go to your head, Boy." Vernon stopped 'patting' him on the back when he noticed that his much smaller nephew was suffering from distressed breathing.
Everyone's attention was riveted by Dudley's seemingly innocent question. "What'd you mean when you said the only person you fancy hates you?"
"It means, Duds, that the only man I am even remotely interested in HATES me."
Uncle Vernon reeled around at Harry, "And just who might this man be?" He asked in clipped tones.
"If you must know," Harry replied in equally clipped tones, "it's Professor Snape." Large tears leaked from the corners of his eyes and made sorrowful trails down both sides of his face before dripping onto his overly large t- shirt.
The other three stared at him in shock until he jumped up from the table and ran to his cupboard. The silence surrounding his exit lay heavily on them until Petunia took charge by glaring at the men and demanding, "Bring me my writing case, Son."
Dudley squealed as he ran out to fetch Mummy her case. Whatever it was she had planned it should be good.
When he returned, she immediately proceeded to write a letter to Mr. Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic, explaining that since he ordered Harry to pick a spouse and reproduce, Fudge was to procure one Professor Severus Snape for Harry to wed. When she was done she opened the window and whistled for the owl just as Lily had taught her to do when sending a letter.
The beautiful snowy white owl flew directly to Mr. Fudge's residence to deliver the missive. Mrs. Fudge was slightly annoyed with the owl interrupting dinner with ministry business until she caught the drift of what Mr. Fudge was now obligated to do. She was so pleased with the pretty white owl that she gave her two owl treats and a galleon.
Minister Fudge, after turning several shades of white then red, stormed out of the dining room to make a fire call to a certain professor. He just knew that Snape was going to be trouble. After locating him at Malfoy Manor and disturbing a formal dinner party he was more than certain that things were going to be totally awkward.
A/N: Is life going well for everyone out there? Maybe tomorrow Aunt Marge will come visit- or, maybe not. Maybe Snape will come visit. For those of you reading this for the second time please let me know if there were any mistakes/changes that need fixed/made. Thanks everyone for all the story alerts since I really appreciate knowing some people are enjoying(hopefully) what I write.
