Return to Top
Disclaimers: I do not own Harry Potter, or any unicorns. I have never shopped for wands in the second hand bin at Ollivanders either. Sadly, regrettably, I do own a computer attached to the outside world so please understand that while I am not intentionally torturing you, I am not entirely sane! *insert evil Dark Lord Laugh*
Chapter 4: WHITE MAN DOWN- CALL 999
Harry successfully exited the room before Cornelius Fudge could get to him. By the time Fudgie managed to untangle himself from the two Aurors who had somehow got tangled up in his robes, Harry had cast several locking charms on his door and it really could not be opened by anyone on site.
Shakelbolt and Tonks gave each other encouraging grins as they noted that Mr. Potter had wards up that Fudge couldn't penetrate. They lost their smirks when they realized Mr. Potter had wards up that they could not penetrate either. In response to Fudge they simply shrugged and said that they were only Aurors, not sorcerers. Besides, they had no desire to drag Harry out of his hidey-hole for Fudge to torture.
Marge Dursley watched all the ensuing pandemonium with avid eyes. She also made the mistake of forgetting the warning about not letter Ripper out the back door and while everyone was otherwise occupied, she eased open the door and stuffed the suffering dog through it.
While Fudge was beating on the closet door trying to get Harry to come out, Vernon walked past and gave him a sensible piece of advise. "Why don't you get that man you arranged for him to marry over here? Maybe he can talk to the boy and calm him down. Your screaming is not doing a bit of good. And, frankly, you are giving my wife a headache."
Fudge paused in his tirade against Harry and stared at the uncle in shock. "Capital idea even if you are a muggle." Turning to Tonks he ordered, "Fire call Snape and get him over here. NOW!"
Tonks nodded and went back into the sitting room. It took her only a few minutes to find him and inform him that Fudge was at the Dursley residence bullying Harry, and that Vernon had asked for him to come through and sort out the resulting chaos.
By the time Tonks had finished her call and stepped back into the hallway all hell had broken loose outside. The deep baying of a dog was followed swiftly by an agonized howl. The mother unicorn had taken offense to Ripper attacking her filly and had gutted him quite nicely.
Harry looked out his 'window' and saw the dog being killed by the enraged animal and decided to go get what few pieces of him that remained. He jerked open his door and stormed past Fudge, going directly to Marge, bitch slapping her silly while screaming that she had been told not to let her damn dog out back!
He jerked her out the door and pointed to the bloody mess that used to be her precious pet. "See what you did to your dog, you stupid hag? We told you not to let him out because there was a unicorn in the garden. As usual you didn't listen. Now look!" He pointed to the unicorns. "Not only have you killed your stupid dog, you have upset my unicorns." He sneered one last time at her and went to his precious pets.
Marge stood there gaping as Harry magicked the dead dog back into one pile and levitated it to a spot in front of her. Marge took one look at her pet then stared wide-eyed at the unicorns until it sank in on her stressed out psyche that she was in fact looking at real unicorns. She began hyperventilating and dashed back inside, slamming the door resoundingly behind her.
Vernon looked at her and realized he liked his briefcase full of money much better than he did his only sister. Besides, she really did have a foul mouth for a woman, she was even uglier than the fright gallery at Madame Tussards, and frankly, she was a mean drunk. With no further thought on the subject he picked up the phone and called for an ambulance. When the attendants arrived to see what the problem was, Mr. Dursley was the epitome of gracious host as he explained that his dear sister seemed to have suffered a serious breakdown.
Marge was totally incoherent as she tried to explain to the medical staff that she was just slightly overwrought because her brother had two unicorns in his back yard, and said unicorn had just killed her dog. The staff agreed that Ms. Dursley might need a bit of a rest after they had humored her by checking to see that the dog was not out back and that there were no unicorns either.
Kingsley eased their minds immensely when he explained that the dog she was distressed about had met his untimely demise earlier that day when a car hit him. Vernon nodded and added the fact that the dog had already been disposed of at the vets. He gave a good performance of being distressed that his sister would need extensive psychological revision, but signed the papers and let them take her away for a nice quiet rest where she could not hurt herself.
Kingsley and Tonks exchanged significant looks as they noted just how easy it had been to dispose of the muggle woman. They both directed glittering gazes toward Minister Fudge who was ranting at Harry in an incoherent fashion. They motioned for Vernon to step into the kitchen with them in order to discuss a bit of business.
Petunia was in the sitting room removing soot from the immaculate carpet when Messers Malfoy and Snape came through. She blinked at the imposing figures of the two men then did the nice by curtsying and welcoming them into her humble home.
"Quite alright, Madam." Draco, standing in for Lucius, bobbed his head. "Lord Snape was directed to assist his betrothed. Would you be so kind as to lead us to him?"
"Yes, Yes. Of course. Please, this way." She escorted them through the house and out the back door to where Fudge had cornered Harry and was screaming at him. Harry was standing with his arms around his unicorn, face buried in her mane, refusing to listen to anything Fudge had to say.
Snape stormed out the door and over to Fudge. "What is the meaning of this?" His aristocratic voice shook with fury. "Why are you here distressing Mr. Potter? He has complied with every edict you have been brainless enough to harass him with. What more can you possibly have to bitch about?"
Fudge whirled around, intending to light into whoever was idiot enough to throw off his groove. And immediately forgot what he was on about as he stared at a black Hawthorne wand 12 and ½ inches long; held in a perfectly steady hand by a perfectly furious fiancé of his verbal abuse victim. Minister Fudge was not about to admit that he had encountered that wand more than once and came off the worse for it.
Draco just stood there starting dumbfoundedly at Severus until Fudge made a hacking noise and broke the spell. He immediately went to Harry and dealt with detaching him from the unicorn's mane. He led Harry back into the house, all the while managing to keep Sev and Fudge in view the whole time.
He delivered the famous Malfoy smirk at Tonks and Kingsley as he escorted Harry past them and into the sitting room. "You might want to make that phone call now, Cuz. Uncle Sev just cast a dark arts charm on Fudge that will make him a muggle for the rest of his life unless Sev does the counter- curse willingly."
Kingsley eyed the grinning blond. "What are the chances of him performing the counter-curse?"
"About the same chances as Voldie being resurrected a second time by using the same spell he did last time." Draco cuddled Harry closer to his chest as he directed a hard glare out the door to where Fudge was staggering toward the house.
"Ah! That will be satisfactory." Kingsley picked up the phone and dialed the number of the private hospital where Aunt Marge had been taken.
It was a long half hour as they all waited for the men in little white suits to return. Draco kept his arms around Harry so that he could not disappear and hide again. Severus and Harry spent the whole time staring longingly at each other, then quickly averting their gaze if they happened to make eye contact with the other. Kingsley and Tonks sat quietly while keeping an eye on Mr. Fudge. Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley played host to the best of their ability while staring unabashedly at Mr. Snape.
Finally, the ambulance arrived once again and the gentlemen were invited inside to observe and do the necessary to ease Mr. Fudge's mental distress. The fact that Mr. Fudge was ranting about being a wizard didn't help his case at all. He kept randomly waving a stick of wood around and screaming AVADA KEDAVARA and CRUCIO at all and sundry. What really did the poor man in though was when he explained that this was all an elaborate hoax on the part of Lord Snape and Harry Potter as revenge against himself for demanding that they get married and have babies.
Orderly #1 inquired, "You say that you are not only a wizard, but you are also the Minister of Magic?"
"Yes! That is correct."
Orderly #2 reiterated, "You are currently the victim of foul play because you ordered these two men to marry and produce children?"
Fudge glared at him. "I believe that that is precisely what I just said." Turning to Tonks he snarled, "Would you please explain to these men exactly who I am."
Tonks nodded agreeably, "Real nutter he is, Mate. Everyone knows that men can't have babies. He has been like this ever since you all had to remove his girlfriend earlier. If I didn't know better I'd say they have been doing some illegal drugs or something. God only knows what these old people get up to these days when they have nothing else to do with their time."
The orderlies looked at each other and decided to grab him before he realized exactly what was happening. They had him wrapped up in a straightjacket and bundled out the door almost quicker than Kingsley could cast an obliviate on him, however, it was too funny watching him still proclaiming his wizardness so they let him go unhindered.
Tonks grabbed Fudge's wand and secreted it away before anything could happen to it. It was standard practice for Aurors to remove wands from the hands of muggles. She also felt it was her duty to take it back to the ministry and have it decontaminated before returning it to Mr. Olivander for resale in the second-hand section of the store.
There would also be the issue of Mr. Fudge casting several illegal curses before they could get the wand away from him. The news would have to be broken to Mrs. Fudge delicately that her husband had disappeared into the muggle world in order to avoid prosecution by the Wizengamot. All things considered, it was a rather good day at #4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey. Everyone who remained in the house tended to agree.
Vernon found it completely necessary to interrogate Mr. Snape on how he would be maintaining Mr. Potter once they took up residence together. Petunia found it completely necessary to drag Harry and Dudley into the kitchen with her under the pretext that Harry could conjure tea for everyone much quicker than it would take her to prepare it the muggle way. Dudley just wanted to know what it was that Harry saw in the tall dark wizard with the big nose and posh airs.
While the three of them were there Dudley happened to mention that the younger Malfoy seemed to be a tad more interested in getting his hands on Harry himself rather than upholding tradition like his father had earlier that day. That led to Dudley admitting that Lord Malfoy had been there earlier to set the terms of the contract which Petunia had invoked.
Harry was completely shattered to realize that Snape had only agreed to marry him because Aunt Petunia had cited the Wizard Marriage Law of 1266 and demanded Snape's hand in marriage for him. He had entertained fantasies of Severus and himself enjoying wedded bliss, producing at least a dozen little Potter-Snapes, and living happily ever after. He refused to finish serving the tea and tried to reach the sanctuary of his bedroom before anyone could stop him.
It was just Harry's luck that Snape grabbed him as he made a dash for the closet and swung him up in his arms. Sev was alarmed to see tears sliding down Harry's pale cheeks and could not help kissing him in an attempt to make things better. Instead of a welcome response he got kicked in the shins by the skinny little imp, who then apparated away to avoid being subjected to retribution.
Severus stood there, thoroughly bemused, a happy smile on his face. He did not stop smiling until Draco said, "Would you stop that infernal smiling? You are, quite literally, scaring the shit out of me!"
Severus blinked a few times. "Where did he go?"
Dudley still had not figured out what Harry saw in the man. "He is probably in his bedroom." He pointed to the closet. "Good luck on trying to get in there. Last time I touched the bloody grate I got an electric shock."
Draco grinned, "That must have been a sight. Imagine a killer whale wearing a white afro."
Petunia smirked at the rotten boy and gave him an affirmative nod. Dudley saw the exchange and whined, "Mummy, you're not supposed to say such things about your only son."
When the laughter died down the party broke up. The Aurors had to return to the ministry to file their reports, Snape had to return to Hogwarts and make a report to Dumbledore, and Draco knocked on the 'forbidden' door in an attempt to locate one Harry Potter.
A/N: Yes, of course I realize that all my characters are OOC. Why would I want them to be like the books? Especially books 6 and 7 since they are hardly worth the paper they are written on. The only use I have for that particular canon is cannon fodder!
