Hello again! Here is the next chapter, and I shall NEVER handwrite and then type it again. I got lazy :3 Silly me. I actually finished writing this chapter a few weeks ago...and I'm just now posting it. I'll work on that not being lazy thing. I'll get to it. Eventually.
Thank you to all of my wonderful reviewers and those who are following the story! I owe a lot to you guys. :D Enoy this chapter!
Onto the chapter!
School had been boring, dragging on forever. Even though Ritsuka had been fighting thoughts of Soubi, they seemed to win over, leaving Ritsuka to his memories and questions. It was a long few hours for Ritsuka. The final bell rang, and relief washed over all of the students. They were done for a while. They would be back on Monday, for the final week of school before summer break. Everyone was looking forward to a break. Ritsuka stood up and grabbed his things, Yuiko had already left. Figures, she had a date with Yayoi. He was hoping that she'd realize how much Yayoi cared for her, and they could be together. It would be good for everyone. Yayoi would finally be with Yuiko and she could have someone who loves her more than anything. And Ritsuka wouldn't have to worry about hurting her because of Soubi. It worked out for everyone. He sighed and left the classroom, making his way out to his appointment. No one stopped him, he didn't fit within any of the groups. He found his own way, usually as a loner. His only two friends at school were Yayoi and Yuiko, but the way they became friends was questionable. But he wouldn't bog himself down with such thoughts. He should trust them, they trusted him.
But it seemed impossible...
Exiting the school, he watched just what was in front of him not caring or noticing the other students around him. They were to busy with stupid things anyway. The grounds were filled with students, but nothing Ritsuka couldn't navigate through quickly. Once he was out of the gates, he saw Yuiko and Yayoi headed the other direction, laughing and talking about something. Ritsuka smiled and continued in the other direction. He hoped they would have a good time. He knew they would. It was a nice afternoon to take a walk. It wasn't hot yet, though in a few hours it would be. A gentle breeze blew Ritsuka's hair and caressed his skin. He smiled a little, it felt good. The cool air seemed to be coming, hopefully bringing a good rain storm with it. The bus stop wasn't far, and was a short walk and once he arrived, he found a place in the shade.
He began to go over things he wanted to talk about. Not being able to trust his friends, his mother and the situation they were in, where he was living...and something about Soubi. He was so confused over what he had with Soubi and whether it was healthy or not. Soubi loved him, which was something Ritsuka had never fully understood, growing up where he did. His mother had taught him love in a negative way, especially after the death of his brother. The relationship he had with his brother, had come to light. Who his brother was outside of their house. It was sick, and yet Ritsuka found it hard to hate him, he loved his brother. But after what he did to Soubi, it was wrong, it was sick. And he could not be forgiven.
Soubi took it in a different manor than everyone else had though. He saw it in an equally sick way, it wasn't abuse to him. It was the bond they had. Ritsuka had shown Soubi a new way of being a fighter, one with more love, and more understanding between the two. Even if their bond wasn't complete. You think after so long they would be considered a pair, Soubi had even started using 'Loveless' as his name. It meant a lot to Ritsuka, it made Soubi that much more his. He smiled at the thought, Soubi was not longer his brothers, no, he was his and nothing could change that. The only thing that worried Ritsuka was that to Soubi, Seimei's word was law. Ritsuka wondered what would happen if they met. Who Soubi would obey? His brother or him? Ritsuka sighed a little, just praying that his wishes came before his brother's.
His thoughts were suddenly interrupted as the bus arrived. He had a pass for the year, and was able to ride where ever he had to go. He found a spot near the middle and watched out the window as it headed towards the medical plaza. It was about 15 minutes away, and gave Ritsuka some time to relax before he had to talk to Katsuko. It really was a nice day out, and it wasn't hot yet. The clouds weren't white, but more of a light grey. They were a bit denser than they had been in a few days, suggesting rain.
The stop before Ritsuka's a girl looking a little bit younger than him boarded. He looked at her face and saw a cut across her left cheek. Though she had smiled as she got on, it was obvious that something was worrying her. Before he even had a chance to approach her, they had pulled up to his stop. She had caught his attention, and was now slipping away. Ritsuka almost ruefully got off the bus and walked away. She watched him as he got off, he was obviously of interest to her as well. Walking off of the bus Ritsuka decided to forget about the girl from the bus for now. He hoped to run into her again, but chances were slim. There were a lot of people in Tokyo. He sighed. Over the 15 minute bus ride, it had heated up quite a bit. He walked a little faster than usual, trying to escape the summer heat.
The plaza was large, and had a garden like area in front of the building. Ritsuka loved sitting near the fountain before or after an appointment. It was in the center of the garden area and was a calming place to sit. Soubi waited here sometimes too. Both of them enjoyed the garden area. Soubi got inspiration for one of his paintings. Ritsuka hadn't seen it yet, due to the fact that Soubi was still painting it. He was 'perfecting the details', and wouldn't allow Ritsuka to see it yet. Soubi had this new habit of painting Ritsuka, and would work for weeks trying to bring all of Ritsuka into the painting. Ritsuka only knew of one of these painting, but Kio had told him that Soubi was greatly inspired and had painted a couple.
Kio seemed to find enjoyment out of flustering Ritsuka.
Now he wasn't as good at Soubi was, but could get a reaction out of him. It could be frustrating with both of them in the same room. Both Kio and Soubi had sharp minds, and could think fast. Nights when Kio came over could be both amusing, but could also be tormenting. But usually they were fun, with a light atmosphere. Ritsuka walked through the garden, not making his usual stop at the fountain, and walked into the building and up the stairs to the waiting room. He sat down in his usual spot, where he could see the clock, and those who came in. He checked in with the receptionist and sat down in the all to familiar room. The walls were painted a burgundy color, which was suppose to be relaxing. Windows around the room pulled in natural light, while there was lighting recessed into the ceiling. They were turned off or set to a dim setting during the day. The reception desk was off to the side. Katsuko shared a building with 2 other psychologists. They were both nice, but Ritsuka preferred Katsuko. He would visit the other two if she was out, but they didn't really know him or what he'd been through. The clock drew his attention once again and he returned to watching it drag along.
"Aoyagi?" The receptionist called. He stood up. "Katsuko will see you now." He sighed and walked back to her office, bag still slung over his shoulder. The hallway down to her office was also familiar, never changing from visit to visit. He opened the door at the end of the office. The room behind the door was very familiar, he had spent a lot of time in it.
"Afternoon Sensei."
"Ritsuka, it's nice to see you again." She smiled and turned from her computer to face him. "How've you been?"
"I've been...alright. How about you?" He asked as he plopped down in the couch for patients.
"I've been good. I missed you last session."
"I was taking care of someone, sorry I couldn't make it."
"Don't worry about it. How are you feeling?" Ritsuka was a mixture of feelings, somewhere between being confused, upset and excited. Just all jumbled together. He decided to go with a safe answer.
"I've just got a lot on my mind right now."
"That's why we're here. What's up?"
"I don't really know where to start..."
"How about your situation at home?"
"Well, my mom is out of town again. I don't know when she'll be home this time either. If she comes home at all."
"Do you know where she is?"
"In Osaka, taking care of my grandmother."
"Ah. Did she leave you without a caretaker?" Ritsuka paused. She had left him with no warning and no one to look after him. Soubi had taken him in, insisting that he stayed with him.
"Yeah, but I'm staying with a friend who took me in for the time being."
"I can't believe she just left you. That's a little ridiculous. How did she tell you?"
"She left a note on the door. I don't really mind though. She's gotten worse over the last few weeks. It's been hell in the house to put it lightly."
"How so?"
"She's just...gotten more...abusive. And each time becomes worse, nothing serious, but I'm afraid it will be soon if she keeps up her pattern. And when she's not being violent, she just forgets I'm around. Or forgets who I am."
"Have you told anyone about it?"
"Just you and the friend I'm staying with." She nodded and wrote somethings down.
"I've been thinking about leaving, but at the same time I don't know if I do. She'd be alone and I don't know if she could handle that. But..."
"But?" She looked up at him.
"I'm sick of being abused, I have to lie to everyone. It's taking a toll on my personality."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I've becoming more withdrawn again, I've lost interest in a lot of things and I space out a lot. My friends have expressed concern over it. I've been coming to school hurt a lot more often too. And I know people are starting to get suspicious." She began writing again, leaving the room quiet. Once she had finished, she looked up.
"Ritsuka, I can't make that decision, no one can. At best we can only offer our opinions. You should do what you want. Though, if you want my opinion, I think you should leave."
"Why do you say that? You know what my mother would be like."
"Yeah, but in this situation, your the victim. Your safety is more important to me." She paused. Ritsuka stayed silent. "Now why I think you should leave is the abuse. That's a big part of it. It's wrong, and shouldn't be happening. It's just not a good environment to grow up in. Not to mention the fact that she can't or doesn't think of you as a son, then what's the point of even living there? Of course, if you leave, there are some papers she has to sign. Kidnapping charges are a very bad thing to face. The papers would be to transfer the guardianship. If they aren't signed, and you decide to go through with leaving legally, you'd be placed in a foster home, and who knows where'd you end up. You might even end up with your father, if he's alive anyway." Ritsuka looked down at the floor and closed his eyes, not saying anything. Katsuko watched him.
"If we got her to sign the papers, would I leave? What if she came for me?"
"You'd leave, yes. And if she came for you, and took you, she'd be charged with kidnapping. If your still thinking, you don't have to decide now. Take your time, and let me know when your ready. I want you to be completely sure. It would change everything." He nodded a little, deep in though over what he wanted to do. Maybe Soubi could help guide him in the right direction. For now, he just wanted to forget about it.
"I'll think about it. I just need some time."
"Alright, then tell me about this friend of yours. It was very nice of them to take you in." Ritsuka shifted his gaze back to
her. "They are obviously taking good care of you." She smiled. Ritsuka laced his hands together and set them against his mouth and sighed. Soubi... he had to talk about him. He wanted to. He was important, and Katsuko deserved to know who he was. He took a deep breath and began.
"His name is Agatsuma Soubi, he frequently takes care of me when I have to be out of the house. Or whenever my mother leaves."
"Agatsuma...Soubi..." She shuffled through some files, muttering the name over and over. A look of success spread across her face as she pulled one out. "I knew I had heard his name before. You know Kaido Kio, right? They are friends as far as he concerned.
"Kio is...something else." Ritsuka relaxed into his seat again, his hands moved from his mouth and onto his lap. His thumbs moved, as if they were removing the tension he had.
"He did seem a little...eccentric. He visited me once or twice. Those were very interesting sessions."
"Yeah, I know. Kio can be strange, but I guess he has a sane side. He just...rarely uses it." She giggled a little.
"Anyway, let's talk about Soubi a little. What does he do for a living?"
"Mainly he's an artist. But he works part time as a teacher. He does a few other things in his spare time. I think he's an aspiring chef too, but he disagrees."
"A master of fine arts then? What medium does he work in?"
"Oil paints."
"How interesting. And he can support you off of what he makes?"
"Yeah, not only does he save money well, he also is just about to open gallery." She nodded. "He also received a large sum of money when his parents passed away. He makes sure I have everything I need."
"How old is he?"
"A little less than 7 years older than I am. So he's about" Ritsuka stopped to think about it. "About 24 now."
"How long have you known each other?"
"Four years." Ritsuka smiled as memories flooded back. 'Four wonderful years with him, together.'
"How did you meet each other?"
"My brother introduced us," Ritsuka said, it was the truth. It was a strange way to meet, especially by then his brother had left. But it was Semei who ordered Soubi to take care of him. Things had changed since then.
"Four years ago? Your brother died 6 years ago."
"I know, it's complicated at best. Anyway, Soubi is one of the few people I trust for some reason. I don't even trust my friends."
"Really? That's interesting. What separates Soubi from them?"
"I don't honestly know, I always feel so safe when I'm with him. It's funny, I'm happy with him. I don't really understand," Ritsuka sighed. Katsuko nodded and began writing.
"So tell me, what's your relationship with him?" She asked calmly, not even looking up.
"Ehh?" He was caught off guard by her question. He had to stop and think about what they were to each other. He couldn't say that they were 'master' and 'servant', nor could he say that they were fighter and sacrifice. No, those wouldn't do. They weren't dating, despite what Kio thought. Kio was sure that they were, in his mind they had to be. It had something to do with the change he saw in Soubi and Ritsuka over the time they knew each other. Every time he brought it up, Ritsuka only denied, not giving it any thought. Soubi never said anything more then 'Ritsuka is right Kio.' nothing more than that. That had to mean something, right? But the way Soubi said it...it was cold, flat, like he spoke around someone he didn't trust, or know. It gave Ritsuka chills when he spoke in such a manner, especially if it was for more than a few sentences. Soubi spoke in a different manner when he was being friendly, when he was talk to friends, or Ritsuka's friends. Then there was another set of tones he used, those he used when talking to Ritsuka, presumably Seimei, and Ritsu. And he even spoke to them in a different way than he spoke to anyone else. It was amazing to see how one person could have so many ways of talking to people.
Soubi was a calm person, he thought logically and acted off of his logic and not his emotions. He rarely showed his emotions, but Ritsuka could see through him. Ritsuka could see his frustration, his misery, his pain, his joy, everything. Well almost everything. For one, Soubi rarely got angry or upset. It had happened once, and Ritsuka had tried to forget the sound of Soubi raising his voice, it was frightening, and it wasn't even pointed at him. He took everyone by surprise, no one had heard Soubi yell. And for a good reason. He was meant to be a calm person, and yes, he could get upset and yell, but everyone liked him better when he was calm. That was for sure.
Ritsuka stopped rambling to himself, and got his thoughts back on the question at hand. What was their 'relationship'? Ritsuka had already ruled out a few but still didn't have an answer. Soubi was his guardian, right? That was all he was. No...he wasn't though, he was much more than that. They weren't dating, it wouldn't go as far as that. In truth...
"I don't know. I really don't," he admitted after a few minutes of thought. She looked up from her writing, and set down her pen.
"Alright, let me rephrase this. How do you feel about him?"
Ritsuka looked away from her and began rubbing a cut from his mother. Soubi had bandaged it and while doing so and snuck in some kisses. It actually made the pain of pulling out a piece of glass out of his flesh a lot more pleasant.
"I ask only because you said that you trusted him. He has to be something special. You've known your friends for that long, and you still don't trust them. It's a big step, and an important one."
"Yeah, but it's confusing, at the same time."
"How so?"
"Well, when I'm with Soubi, I feel safe, and warm, like nothing can harm me. I don't understand the feeling really, he cares about me, a lot, and I've never really felt that before."
"Well, does he love you?" he sighed. Soubi said it, plenty of times. At first, Ritsuka didn't believe it, especially when he found out it was an order from his brother. But as time passed he began to understand that it was no longer just an order from his brother. It became...real. It was little things in Soubi's behavior, things that people who weren't around him wouldn't notice. Ritsuka noticed these, and it was most noticeable when it was just the two of them. Soubi loved him, and that was obvious.
"Yes...I know he does." She smiled and nodded.
"Have you talked to him about it?"
"No...I just...I don't want to upset him," Ritsuka said and his ears drooped a little and his tail flickered.
"Hmmm...alright. Think about if for a minute, has he ever gotten angry over your opinion before?" Ritsuka shifted his gaze to the window and sighed. 'Soubi has gotten frustrated with me once or twice, but never angry He's always so...glad when I give him my input. When we first met, Soubi told me he'd give me everything because he loved me. He became my fighter. I didn't believe him back then, but now...' Ritsuka's mind filled with memories of being with him. Their kisses, the nights they spent laying next to each other, times they just sat together (Ritsuka ended up on his lap a lot of these times), the times Soubi had held him in his arms not willing to let go, there were the fights they had with other units. Soubi had protected him at any cost. Soubi took care of him when he was sick or hurt, or just needed to be comforted. Ritsuka was always there for Soubi when the time came, Ritsuka would spend days just sitting next to Soubi as he slept. They had been through so much together, and nothing came in there way.
Emotions swirled through Ritsuka, as if he had been placed in a blender and his emotions and thoughts he suppressed were thrown in. He was face to face with them, and he couldn't find a way to escape. The top seemed so far from where he was. However, if he gave up now, if he surrendered to them, they would take over. All the progress he had made would be lost, and Soubi couldn't save him this time.
The images flooded back, and lulled Ritsuka into a sense of security for now.
"Alright, 'fess up Ritsuka, what have you two done?" Ritsuka was shaken back to reality.
"Where'd that come from?"
"That look on your face! You can tell me, I won't say anything to anyone. Promise." Ritsuka did hope that she wasn't sharing things with other people anyway.
"We've...we've just kissed alright?" Ritsuka said, sounding embarrassed. His face agreed and as Ritsuka felt his face heat up, he dropped his head.
"Your so cute when you blush! Your so red!" She squealed. His face reddened even more at her comment. She grinned, and suppressed her giggles. She got up and walked over to Ritsuka's side. She kneeled and rested her hand on his knee.
"So, since we've established he has feeling for you, I'll ask again. How do you feel about him?" With a little hesitation, Ritsuka began to speak.
"Well...sometimes when he looks me in the eye, it's as if he can see straight into me.." He paused. His gaze was still at the floor. Her smile faded, listening with great care. "And I feel like it's swallowing me, my emotions, my thoughts...everything I am. I ...get flustered...and confused to the point where I have to look away. Because..I'm afraid that I'll loose who I am, everything I thought I was. I don't want him to come back, I'm here now, this is who I am and every time I look him in the eyes, I feel like I'm going to loose that, and I'm terrified. I have to look away, I don't know what else to do. I've tried to figure it out, but..." he sighed. "Well, I just don't know." the room lapsed into silence, only being interrupted by the ticking of the clock. Katsuko caressed his cheek down to his chin and tilted his head up gently her hand. She brushed the hair out of his face and his violet eyes me her eyes, and began to speak. Her hand held his cheek, as if it was telling him not to move.
"Listen up kiddo. The biggest obstacle to establishing a homosexual relationship is whether or not your inclined to said relationship or not. A lot of people find themselves having problems accepting it. Your not alone, trust me. By letting him kiss you more than once, I'm assuming it was, was it?" He nodded, blushing slightly. "Okay, him kissing you repeatedly, and you letting it happen, you've shown that your not exactly adverse to the notion...or the attraction. So really, if the body's willing, then all that's left is your feelings, your mind." She paused, "And that's not exactly easy either." He nodded again and sighed. He wasn't alone, which he found some consolation in.
"Society doesn't accept it very well..."
"It's getting better though. But don't let anyone else stop you." He nodded. "Now I don't know Soubi myself, but from what I've heard from your not exactly turned off by the fact that he's male. It seems you have feelings for him, that seem to run deep withing you." Ritsuka closed his eyes an but his lip. "If you think about it, I know you'll understand what I'm saying is the truth. On another note, you know that's it's not that you don't want to be drawn to him. No, it's not that at all. It's that your scared, terrified that you'll fall head-over-heels for him and be forced to face everything you are, everything you have been. And about a year or so ago, you said that if you had to do that, you may loose who you are now, and return to being your old self.
"But, you don't seem to understand that it's not fair to make the person on the other side wait because of your scared or because your trying to fool yourself. And honestly, if you don't want to pursue anything more than a friendly, non-romantic relationship with him, then don't, tell him how you feel, and what you think things will work out and you may be able to be friends. However, if you've kept him hanging on for nothing, all your doing is breaking his spirit...and him." Ritsuka looked at her, his eyes longing and trying to hold back the tears that were wanting to flow.
"It's not easy to be on the other end of the relationship, to have to keep waiting and praying and holding onto someone who won't let you in. Trust me...I know." Her engagement ring glimmered a little as she looked at it smiling a little.
"Sensei..." He barely choked out fighting the lump in his throat and the tears. She nodded and opened her arms a little, inviting him into her embrace. He took it and fell into her arms, giving up the fight and letting everything pour out. Emotions had been thrown under a rug, and had just built up to the point where he couldn't take it any longer. The anger and fear from his mother, the confusion and everything that had happened with his brother, all the lies he told. And Soubi, his heart seemed to fill with so many emotions, Ritsuka couldn't stand it. He also found himself upset over his old self, and his new self. He found so many flaws in himself. It drove him crazy, and he didn't know how to fix anything. He didn't feel he could.
I'm so sorry Soubi..I didn't...know.' Ritsuka had lost all confidence, all of his strength and couldn't hold back his emotions. So much had happened in the last few years, it was hard for him to understand. He had been holding everything in for so long, everything had just been built up, and he finally let it all go. Katsuko held him until he calmed minutes later. She ran her fingers through his hair and let him release everything inside. And once he was calmed, he pulled away from her arms, the last few tears rolled down his cheeks. She let him slid out, giving no resistance, though she wanted to pull him in and hold him, much like a mother would with her own child.
"I...I'm sorry," he choked out weakly, his voice shaky.
"No, don't be. You needed it. Do you feel better?" She smiled a little, and he nodded and wiped away the tears.
"I should go..." He stood up. She glanced at the clock and got up herself, the session was a few minuets from being over.
"Do you have a ride?" He nodded. "Alright then, I won't keep you. But please, call me anytime if you need to talk, I will make room for you whenever you need it, you have my cell number right?"
"Yes, thank you." He smiled a little. His voice was returning to it's usual calmness.
"Think over what I said, see you next time?"
"Will do, and yes, I'm planning on it. I'll call you if something comes up. Thank you, again." He bent over and grabbed his bag.
"No biggie kiddo, anytime. Take care now," She said smiling and sitting at her desk. He walked out and waved behind him. Concerned for the teen, she watched him and sighed. Ritsuka was strong, but he was facing more than any teen should have to. He was so young...nothing could change that, even if he acted so much older than he was. He was still a kid, and no one could change that. And no one should try to take that from him.
"Take good care of him Soubi, he really loves you, and really needs you right now." She smiled and rested her head in her hands. "You've captured his heart, something no one else could do...He's so in love with you." She sighed and began to write about the session.
Ritsuka left the office, rushing out not wanting anyone to stop him. He pulled out his cell phone and as soon as he was out of the building he called Soubi. (He was Ritsuka's speed dial 1 if you were wondering) Soubi answered the phone after the first ring.
"Hello?" Soubi had obviously just picked up and answered the phone.
"It's me, where are you?" Ritsuka wandered out of the plaza to the main gates.
"On my way, I'll be there in a few. Hold tight. You sound upset, you alright?" Ritsuka was surprised that Soubi could tell from over the phone.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll see you in a few." Ritsuka hung up the phone, not wanting to talk at the moment. Soubi would be here soon, and he had to appear more calm then he was. Soubi smiled at the abruptness of Ritsuka's actions. The teen was upset, and he decided not to push his luck. The bus was a few minutes from the bus stop. It wouldn't be long before they were together.
A/N Sorry for the delay in this post, I'm so lazy :D Thank you for reading all the way through, and following what's up so far. I hope it was decently easy to read. Sorry for any errors, I'm good at making them.
Again, thank you to all of you who have reviewed, and/or are following the story! It means a lot!
I'm off to write and get this song out of my head
