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Three Thousand Miles
Chapter Five- How's It Going To Be
"How's gonna be when you don't know me anymore, how's it going to be?"
December 2027
Back in Boston, the first thing Meredith Grey would encounter in the morning was generally the sound of her alarm blaring and a sore back from her rather uncomfortable bed. She then once again would realize she was alone and would proceed to get up and pull the shades back to reveal an endless darkness. Then she would have to trudge down the hallway and attempt to wake up three very heavy sleepers, two of which snored worse than she did. Mornings were generally rough and they were Meredith's least favorite part of the day.
Today was different, well, sort of.
Meredith's eyes fluttered open when the bright sunlight from the outside world hit the incredibly soothingly comfortable bed she was sleeping on. Meredith wondered what time it was, it had to be past nine. There was no clock in sight so she stretched out on the expensive 700 thread count sheets and clutched the soft pillow her head was resting on. Slowly but surely her mind settled back into reality and she grasped the idea once more she was in Seattle. Now Meredith understood why Derek had pushed so hard to get comfortable beds for the guest rooms.
"Seriously Derek? Our guests are not going to be the King and Queen of Ireland! We don't need an expensive queen bed."
"Trust me Meredith, it's worth it."
Yeah, it was so worth it. Waking up like this, Meredith felt like she was the Queen of her own country much less Ireland. And what was that smell? Mornings in Boston consisted of stale cereal. Meredith could not cook and no one else really had the desire to so early in the morning, so cereal it was. It smelled like something was cooking. It was reminiscent of old Sundays when the kids were little, Derek would get up early and go downstairs and cook with them while he let Meredith sleep. Meredith stayed in bed and thought of those good old days. And just for a second, she let herself imagine that Derek had been with her all night and he was just downstairs cooking with the kids, waiting for her with a smile on his face.
But Meredith knew this was not reality, so she slowly got out of bed, grabbed some clothes out of her suitcase, and made her way into the bathroom and tried to make herself look somewhat presentable. While brushing her teeth, she threw on a pair of sweatpants and her old Dartmouth long sleeved t-shirt. One last glance in the mirror and Meredith made her way out of the room and down the stairs. On her way down the now creaky stairs Meredith heard laughing and talking coming from the kitchen. The downstairs of the house was very open and the sun shone through the various windows that displayed the gorgeous view from the house. Eventually, Meredith made it into the kitchen. Jilly was sitting on the counter mixing something in a bowl and she had flour on her nose, Emma was sitting at the table reading some sort of magazine, and Andrew was tossing an already dressed for the day Derek eggs from the fridge.
"Hey mom!" Emma was the first one to recognize Meredith's presence.
"Hey guys," Meredith said while still squinting at the sunlight. It was cold downstairs, a whole lot colder than she had expected suddenly her old Dartmouth t-shirt was not providing the proper amount of warmth and she hugged her body tight, "What's in the bowl Jilly?" Meredith smiled trying to ignore the cold.
"Pancakes!" Jilly exclaimed as she mixed the bowl vigorously, "Dad says that he may let us put chocolate chips in them, but he said we had to ask you."
Meredith chuckled at this, "Oh well you know how I feel about chocolate chip pancakes, so drop them in!"
"Yes!" Jilly's eyes lit up and she jumped off the counter and ran over to Derek who was at the island in the middle of the kitchen in the midst of showing Andrew how to crack an egg with one hand, "Daddy! Did you hear? Mom says we can have chocolate chips so hand them over!"
Derek's eyes went from Jilly to Meredith who was still standing by the stairs; he smiled at her and then crouched down to Jilly's level, "Alright, but you have to answer something before I give you the chocolate chips,"
"Aw come on Dad!" Jilly whined.
"Nope, just one question."
"Alright fine, what is it?" Jilly settled.
"What is the capital of Massachusetts?" Derek asked.
"Dad that's a stupid question, I'm not six, it's Boston." Jilly said mater-of-factly
"Alright then," Derek sighed and tried noticing how much Jilly had grown up, he then tried to think of another trivia question, "I've got a good one; what is the capital of New Hampshire?"
"New Hampshire's the one above us, right mom?" Jilly asked looking over at Meredith.
"Yep, it's where we went this summer to the lake for the day." Meredith explained.
"Um, the capital?" Jilly clarified.
"Yep, answer and you can have the whole bag of chocolate chips." Derek replied.
"I don't know the answer," Jilly looked down and then looked up beyond Derek to where Andy was cracking eggs, Andy looked at his little sister and slowly mouthed the word 'Concord' to her.
"Um, Con…" Jilly started still looking at Andrew, Derek whipped around to see his son giving Jilly the answer, "Concord." Jilly finished.
"Cheater!" Derek exclaimed and picked Jilly up and started tickling her.
"Ah! Daddy stop!" Jilly managed to get out between giggles. Derek kept tickling his daughter while keeping her held high up in the air. Andrew just laughed to himself and kept cracking eggs, Emma was oblivious to the whole thing almost as if it was something that happened every day, and Meredith was awestruck. She had not seen Jilly so happy and carefree in years, since the last time she came back from Derek. There was something special that Derek did to that little girl, he made her happy. Meredith's thoughts were interrupted by Jilly's giddy squeals, slowly but surely, Derek set Jilly down on the floor and laughed too.
"I'm only messing with you Jelly Bean," Derek said to Jilly as he smiled and ruffled her hair, "Hey Meredith?" He asked as he stepped away from Jilly and walked back to Andrew.
The way he said her name so simply got Meredith's attention (and shot her blood pressure way up too), "Yeah?" She responded wide-eyed and quickly.
"Can you get the chocolate chips out from the closet for our Jilly here?" Derek smiled as he went back to where he was before with Andrew cracking eggs. When Derek said "our Jilly"it made Meredith's heart twist, they were not Derek and Meredith but they still had something that was theirs together.
"Uh, yeah." Meredith supplied, "Um, where are they?" She asked timidly, Emma sensed the awkwardness and looked up from her magazine.
"Are they where you used to keep them Dad?" Emma asked.
"Yep," Derek replied nonchalantly.
"Oh then, well I know where they are, thanks Em." Meredith said and walked over to the closet where she used to stow away groceries not so long ago. She took out the chocolate chips and brought them over to Jilly who eagerly poured them into the bowl of batter. Meredith glanced up at the wall to glance at the clock, the strange looking wall clock that Meredith and Derek had bought while on vacation in Denmark shortly before the divorce read 11:32. Meredith could not remember a time when she had slept past 10:00. It had been more than a couple years, that's for sure. She also bet that it had been a long time since Derek had eaten breakfast this late, he was a morning person and loved to eat his healthy breakfast at the proper time. This meant that he waited for her, they all waited for her. Meredith took comfort in this. By the time the clock stuck 12, breakfast was served and the "family" ate together. Meredith and Derek were pretty much silent the whole meal; Jilly, Andrew, and Emma piloted the conversations and every so often Meredith would nod and Derek would laugh and ask a question. Soon enough breakfast came to a close and the kids went upstairs getting ready for the day, leaving Meredith and Derek alone for the first time since the night before.
"You don't have to do that." Derek commented quietly as he watched Meredith grab plates and bring them over to the sink from where he was sitting.
"No, it's okay, I don't mind." Meredith answered quickly trying to avoid conversation.
Meredith started to wash plates. She turned the water on to the hottest it could be, the water trickled down her hands and the scalding temperature stung her hands. Ignoring it, Meredith glanced up to look out the window, there was that view. It was gorgeous. Her eyes trailed downwards to the window sill. She sighed, when they were married, Meredith or Derek would place their wedding bands on the windowsill as they washed dishes. Now the windowsill was empty and all Meredith could feel on her hands was hot water.
Derek got up from where he was sitting at the table and made his way over to where Meredith was washing dishes. He stood behind her and to the left side of her and placed his hand over one of hers, "I've got it, don't worry about it." He said quietly, his hand still on hers. The sudden contact made Meredith flinch; she backed up and dropped the dish she was working on. Luckily, Derek was there to catch it. When she regained her composure she looked up at him and he glanced back at her from the sink.
"Um, okay then. I guess I'll just go shower and stuff." Meredith supplied.
"That's fine, I was thinking of taking the kids to the aquarium this afternoon, do you think that's too young for them?" Derek asked sincerely.
"No, no, it's good. They'll like it." Meredith smiled at Derek's concern.
"You can come," Derek suggested looking a bit eager, "I mean if you want." He finished unsure of himself.
"No, that's okay, I have things to do and people to see. I think I may go visit George today." Meredith lied, she would love to go to the aquarium with her kids but not so much with her ex-husband, "Thanks though."
"Yeah, maybe some other time." Derek smiled.
That smile, why did he have to do that? "Um, well, I am just going to go," Meredith pointed to the stairs.
"Alright then, we should be leaving in the next hour so…"
"Yeah that's fine." Meredith said turning on her heals, "See you later."
"Yeah, later," Derek awkwardly replied and turned around to continue washing the dishes. Everything was so different now, it was awkward and uncomfortable. As Derek washed the same plate for the twentieth time all he could think about was how much he truly wished things could go back to the way they used to be. But he knew this could never happen.
February 2022
It had been a month since Richard had first had the subdural hemorrhage, it had been a month since Meredith and Derek had first operated and things had not gotten better. Derek assumed there had to be something more in there but he was not about to suggest an invasive surgery to an older man. So he kept quiet, for as long as he could. One night in February he could not take it anymore. Derek lied awake at night in his bed, a rock solid asleep Meredith snoring beside him. He could not take seeing Richard in such pain, he knew he had to open up the brain. Derek was convinced that between him and Meredith they could find a solution. He glanced at the clock beside Meredith's side of the bed, it was 2:46 AM. He groaned quietly to himself and rubbed his eyes. While running a quick hand through his messy bed hair, he managed to untangle himself from Meredith and get up from the bed. He rummaged through drawers and quietly got out a pair of jeans and a sweater. Derek slowly glided into the bathroom. His bare feet hit the cold tile and he immediately wished he had turned on the floor heaters before he went to bed. As swiftly as possible Derek threw on the jeans and haphazardly tossed the sweater over his head. He glanced at himself in the mirror once before leaving the bathroom to put on shoes. Once he was dressed he walked over to the bed and dropped a quick kiss on Meredith's sleeping head. Derek then proceeded to make his way out of his and Meredith's bedroom.
Once downstairs, Derek made himself some coffee and scribbled Meredith a note proclaiming that he needed to go to the hospital for some things and he would be back before morning if she should read this before he got back. After putting on his coat he walked out of the house and into the garage and opened the garage door in hopes that no one would hear it. Derek climbed into his black BMW and slowly made the drive to Seattle Grace. Once at the hospital, Derek got out of the car and went straight to his office. He went over to his coat rack and picked up an extra lab coat so he looked more official. When he put it on it did not fit right, too small. He took it off and read "Meredith Grey Shepherd M.D. F.A.C.S." He shook his head and chuckled a bit to himself wondering why one of Meredith's coats was in his office and not in hers. Derek then reached for the other lab coat and checked the title and sure enough it read, "Derek Shepherd Chief of Surgery, M.D. F.A.C.S.". That was more like it.
After putting on his coat Derek did some quick paper work and then made his way to Richard's room. When he got there he was shocked to see that the old man was awake. In the past few weeks, Richard had slipped in and out of consciousness. Looking at him now, Derek knew he was fully awake and fully lucid.
"Richard?" Derek questioned walking up to his bed. Richard said nothing and kept looking out the window watching the cold Seattle rain fall. Derek shrugged off Richard's non response and took out his flashlight out of his coat pocket and started shining it in Richard's eyes. Suddenly, Derek felt Richard grasp is right wrist and hand, the hand that held the flashlight.
"Derek." Richard managed to get out. Derek quickly released his hand from Richard's and shut the flashlight in his pocket.
"Richard, how are you feeling? Do you want me to get you anything?" Derek asked taking advantage of the time he had with Richard while he was totally coherent.
"Derek, I can't do this anymore." Richard spat out.
"What? What are you talking about?" Derek asked confused as he took a seat on the bed.
"Derek, I am in pain. I live every day in pain. I am a man approaching his nineties. It's time…"
"Richard, what's wrong with you? Are you okay?" Derek asked wondering why Richard was saying all of this nonsense.
"I'm fine, it's just, you won't understand it until you are in my position. Since Adelle died, there's nothing for me. Ellis is gone, Adelle is gone, my job is gone. I am old and I am dying." Richard finished solemnly.
"There's us, there is your family. Meredith, Jilly, Andrew, Emma, everyone at the hospital. You're not done living yet Richard." Derek tried to make the man see.
"But Derek, I don't want to live…"
"So what do you suggest, Richard? You sound suicidal, are you crazy? If you keep this up I'll call psych." Derek said firmly as he stood up from the bed and grabbed a copy of Richard's chart which was next to his bed. When Richard did not say anything, Derek looked back at him, "Oh Richard you can't be serious."
"Derek, it's the only way. You and I both know it." Richard concluded.
"No, it's crazy," Derek said running a quick hand through his hair and glancing at his watch. This conversation was getting uncomfortable.
"Shep-"
"No, I…I have to go. Are you sure you don't want anything?" Derek asked as he stumbled backwards through the room.
"No, just go, Derek." Richard said as he glanced out the window.
"Get some sleep, chief." Derek added for sentimental effect to let Richard know he still had meaning in his life.
When Derek made it back to his office he sat down at his desk. He turned his desktop on and smiled as the picture of him, Meredith, Andrew, Emma, and Jilly appeared on the screen. They were on vacation on The Canary Islands; it had been a great trip. The picture showed Derek with his arm lazily around Meredith's shoulder, Andrew was standing next to Derek and Emma was next to Meredith and Jilly was in front of both Meredith and Derek. Everyone was all smiles and everyone's face was pleasantly sun kissed. It was the perfect picture, cheesy yes but perfect nonetheless. He then thought back to his conversation he had with Richard not too long ago. Looking at this picture, he knew that if he granted Richard's request he would be in jeopardy of losing his perfect, cheesy family. He knew what he had to do, he had to talk to Meredith.
December 2027
Derek was brought back from his memory as he heard laughter from the stairs. He finished with the last dish he was working on and dried his hands quickly. When he turned around he saw Jilly and Emma standing in front of him ready for the day. He glanced at Emma and absolutely lost his mind, his daughter standing in front of him looked exactly like Meredith. He did a double take, he could not believe it. He realized he never really took a good look at Emma for two years. What a difference two years made, the little girl that stood in front of him now was not the little girl from the picture that was on his desktop from the Canary Islands – no, not at all.
"Ready to go Dad?" Emma asked interrupting Derek from his thoughts.
"Yeah, sure." Derek managed to answer, "As soon as Andrew comes down." As if on cue the mini-Derek Shepherd bounded down the stairs.
"I'm ready, lets go." Andrew muttered as he joined his sisters.
"Alright then, let's do it." Derek said as he grabbed his keys from the table and his jacket from the closet. The kids made it outside to the car and Derek lingered for a moment. He popped his head out of the door to the garage, "I'll be a minute, hold on guys. Andy will you start the car?" Derek asked as he heaved his keys into the air toward Andrew.
"Yeah, sure." Andrew responded as he caught the keys that Derek threw to him.
"Why can't I start the car Dad?" Emma asked. Okay, maybe she was not completely unlike the little girl she used to be. Derek just chuckled to himself and closed the door. He then made his way up the stairs and when he reached the guest bedroom across from his room he knocked on the door lightly. Sure enough, Meredith opened the door shocked to see Derek standing there. She instantly regretted opening the door while dressed only in a towel around her body and one wrapped around her hair.
"Oh, sorry." Derek muttered, "I didn't know, I'll just talk to you later."
"No, it's okay." Meredith said as she grasped the towel tighter to herself.
"I just, do you think…"
"What Derek?" Meredith asked sincerely.
"Do you ever think about what life would be like if we had not done it?" Derek asked.
Meredith paused, completely taken aback by Derek's forwardness and question. They never discussed the past. Ever. It was an unwritten rule in the chronicles of Meredith and Derek. But Meredith took a look at the man standing in front of her. His hair somewhat disheveled, something she knew happened when he was thinking too much and he had run his hand through his hair one too many times, his eyes tired and his face weary. She knew that he deserved an answer to his burning question.
"Yeah." Meredith answered, a familiar look on her face, "Yeah, I do."
Derek concluded that it was a look of sadness, like the one he saw so many times before when something had not gone her way, or someone had once again beaten her down. It was the look that made him want to grab her in his arms and make all the pain in her life disappear. He knew well enough that could not happen now. Not after everything. So he just gave Meredith a nod and walked downstairs and drove himself and his kids into the city. Meanwhile, Meredith was left dumfounded and could only wonder what in the world Derek was thinking and what would it mean for her.
How's It Going To Be is a song by Third Eye Blind
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