I'm so beyond sorry that it took me this long to update. For some reason this school year the sadistic people we call teachers have decided to give us a ton of essays and papers to write. Just this weekend I have three essays to write! Bleh…oh well. I've decided that this will be a three shot to make up for the time in between chapters! Well I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer-Nothing's changed since the last chapter…still don't own anything!!

Chapter Two-Dealing with Loneliness and Realizations

I'm still stuck inside this hell. There's no way I can get out. I can feel the beast inside of me growing stronger, fighting to break free. How did Ginger deal with this? I've managed to hold it off longer than she did because I used monkswood, but how much longer do I have? How strong do I have to be so no one will get hurt? Strong enough to beat this, using the temporary antidote until I find a permanent one? Will that permanent antidote be suicide? Because I know I'm not strong enough to do that…I've tried to many times before. I remember Ginger saying that we can't learn to live without pain but this is just ridiculous. If it's supposed to teach me how to live then why am I dying? God…I'm so scared.

I groaned and rolled over to face the other wall, staring into the bathroom at the toilet. Ugh, what a pleasant sight to see every fuckin' night. I can already tell that tonight's going to be another sleepless night fill with unanswered questions, zero advice, empty realizations, and more memories…great. It may sound like I hate the world right now, God knows enough people have said it to me or about me. But that's not true. I just hate the idiots in the world. If they'd just let me out we'd be saving a lot of time and trouble.

I suppose we can't change the truth, no matter how much we dislike it. I suppose I should also just accept the fact that sometimes things happen, sometimes we wish they didn't but sometimes they're unavoidable. And I suppose I should accept that…what bullshit. If those so called counselors would walk just a step in my shoes they'd fall and wouldn't be able to get up. I want to tell them, not like they'd believe me or anything, but even if they would I doubt I'd tell them the truth. This is now my problem and I need to get through this on my own. I don't want to hurt anyone and drag them down with me. I don't need anymore blood on my hands. My sister's blood was more than enough, but Sam's was too much of a price to pay everyday and every night.

Sam…I die inside every time I think about him. I'm missing him more everyday and there hasn't been a night where I haven't thought about him. I still love him…wait what…did I love him? Let me see…after every bad thing Ginger told me about him I still defended and wanted to be by him, the other night I dreamt I was being held by him but when I awoke to find out I was alone I cried myself back to sleep, and there seems to be a space that I'm sure only he could fill. I guess I loved him then and I guess I always will. I'm sorry Ginger, I didn't mean to fall in love. Heh. When you realize your fate, you accept it, but there's always a catch. Because of our fates I lost the only ones who ever cared for me. Life is a long road when you face it alone, and I was left alone in a cold and empty world, filled with lies.

Ginger…we went through so much together, and most of it was your fault. I still love her even though everything that's happened so far sucks to no end. I got to admit though, it was fun, staging our deaths and being so close. I never would've expected how everything would've turned out. Her dead and me in a fucking mental and junkie hospital.

The toilet's getting boring to stare at. I turn onto my back to stare at the cracks in the ceiling which I pretty much have memorized by now. There's one that looks like Sam. Well it doesn't really look like Sam but it does look like a face and my overactive imagination just screws me over and puts his face there. I try to avoid looking at it but I always end up staring at it anyway. Would I have known what love feels like if it weren't for him? Probably not. I'm too much of a freak to be loved by anyone. Even Sam…at least I think he didn't love me. Did he? You do make the greatest sacrifices for those you love and in my case he died trying to help me and save my sister. But that probably doesn't mean he loved me…does it? Eh, I'm getting another migraine from thinking again and they don't give you anything to help here. Not even for cramps! I'd overdose on all of that Advil than deal with the pain. Happy Sunshine clinic my ass. I've been here for…I don't even know anymore. The days kind of run together in a big blur. Anyway I still don't know the actual name of this godforsaken prison.

My stomach growls, begging for something better than this organic shit. What I really want right now is something raw. Raw, warm and chewy. It totally disgusts me but I can't help it. How ironic. The very thing that could've saved Sam's life is the thing I crave most now. I hear footsteps. Someone making their nightly rounds. This time it's Marcus. I can tell by his walk. He is a little louder than Tyler. Not by much, it's just that his nurse's shoes squeak a little more. I feel wide awake although I know my body's exhausted. It's been like this ever since I've been off the monkswood. I can't seem to focus, my thoughts jump around from one subject to an entirely different one. Then there are times, which seem to be happening a lot lately, where my train of thought crashes into a wall, big explosion, no survivors. I guess that's what happens when you can't sleep in just about 48 hours. I kind of hope that my body will give out from exhaustion and maybe I'll die. I have to do something. I'm going crazy from the lack of sleep and fighting this damn curse. Ginger said either give in or give up. Is there any other way?

Ok. There's the second chapter. It definitely did not turn out how I wanted but it's something. If you guys really don't like it let me know and I'll take it down and re-do it.