SHE'S NOT MY DAUGHTER
VIII.
I lost touch with Joey for awhile. Neither of us meant to, I'm sure. Life, work and school simply pulled us in different directions.
Joey had been a pillar of strength during Dawson's latest crisis of cinema faith, virtually reinventing the wheel, so to speak, as she marshaled a broken shoestring budget into a mended one strong enough to get my son the equipment, film, actors and crew he needed. Within a few short weeks, his modest script became celluloid reality.
Pacey, Jack & Jen were there, too, hustling the cast and crew into shape and, whenever possible, finagling freebies from local merchants in exchange for onscreen credit. It was a happy and exciting time, full of promise and possibility. How wonderful to take part in a production that grew out of resolution instead of conflict! I can see Joey now, effectively directing the action behind the scenes so that Dawson didn't have to worry about anything except getting his story——their never-ending story——on film.
By then, thank goodness, Joey was growing her sophomore year auburn and brown-colored hair out, letting the real Josephine Potter shine through again. That two-toned hair had given her an uncertain edge, but it was still the same ol' feisty tomboy, now a grown woman, underneath.
After the wrap, I watched in admiration as she allowed herself the satisfaction of a smile for a job well-done…and then she was gone, slipping away to Paris to realize her own dream before anyone had a chance to say good luck or thank you. Even more surprising, she didn't come back for nearly six months——something I was aware of but didn't know the full details until I ran into Bessie the following summer. We had both been called for jury duty, and being civic-minded community leaders (yes, Leery's Fresh Fish and Potter's B&B now had community standing, according to the Capeside Tourist Board) we knew we must comply without fuss.
It was a l-o-n-g, hot, muggy day. Plenty of time to catch up on family life and gossip as we put down our magazines and gathered near a rotating fan. Lily was then three years old——though she always held out four fingers because uncle Pacey told her the little finger only counted as half. That half year was very important to my pretty little girl——especially since her favorite playmate, Bessie and Bodi's son Alexander, got to hold up all five fingers and he was in school!
That February, Bessie and Bodi tied the knot…finally. They wanted to have more children and decided it was time. Leery's Fresh Fish catered the event, but I'm afraid it wasn't the same without Bodi cooking. The hit of the day was, in fact, the cake provided by The Cash Cow, a cake designed by the one and only Pacey Witter. The other surprise of the day was Joey's very brief, almost non-existent appearance. She looked frail and didn't have much color and, frankly, I was very concerned. Why hadn't anyone said anything?
I found out later as we sat in the jury pool waiting for our juror numbers to be called. "Joey didn't want to alarm anyone," Bessie admitted, "and we had already pushed the date back once." I remembered that. The original date was in December and neither Bessie nor Bodi had offered any explanation why it had to be changed.
"Joey got very sick after she returned from France," Bessie revealed in a soft whisper. I reached for her hand as she continued. "It turned out that someone she had been seeing had come down with mononucleosis and was contagious."
"Dear Lord," I gasped in sympathy. I could see the worry still etched in poor Bessie's face.
"She had been working so hard over there, going to classes at the Sorbonne for a semester and working nights and weekends. The manager of the pension where she was staying offered her free room and board in exchange for help at his Boulangerie next door. So the waitressing finally paid off for her, but her defenses were down. I don't know how long she saw this fella, a young artist, but it was long enough.
"When she returned to Worthington, she tried to jump into another heavy credit load back iplus/i work at Hell's Kitchen. I called to check in a week later and she sounded awful. She tried to pass it off as a bad cold, but it didn't get better. I drove to Boston to see for myself and ended up taking her straight to Emergency. She could barely stand up, let alone breathe."
"Bessie! How could you not say anything?"
"Joey wouldn't allow it. She said everyone was too stressed out already with the holidays and trying to keep up during a tough junior year."
"But we're practically family!"
"I know, Gale, and I felt guilty not allowing Bodi to say anything. But Joey was adamant. She felt she was letting people down if she didn't stay strong in school and beat this."
Damn Potter pride.
"She especially didn't want Dawson or Pacey to know; she didn't want to be pitied or rescued…didn't think it was fair after what had happened with Pacey."
What happened with Pacey? Oh, right. I couldn't help recalling a vision of Joey and Pacey sitting on my dock talking after Pacey confessed to Dawson that his investment money had been lost. I thought then that their relationship had been an adult love affair framed by adolescent insecurities. Obviously, those insecurities had yet to be resolved.
I had further insight into that progress——or lack thereof——when I overheard a conversation between Jack McPhee and a somewhat cranky Mr. Witter a few weeks after Joey had left for Paris. Pacey was nursing a bad toothache and it was his moan that first caught my attention.
~*~
"I thought things were fine between you, man," Jack said.
"Define fine."
"You're friends. You got over the breakup…and the guilt."
"We got back together."
"Say what?" Jack spit out. I think I was as dumbfounded as Pacey's friend.
"We kept it quiet. And it didn't last for long, sadly." Pacey raised his cold glass to his jaw. "She got scared and ran. So…"
"No ex sex?"
"Nada."
"Now she's in Paris."
"Apparently. I didn't get the announcement. Got a postcard yesterday though."
"And I'm assuming it didn't say that she was thinking of you."
"No. Having the time of her life and looking into staying on for credit abroad. So that's the end of the fantasy honeymoon."
"What are you talking about?"
"I just always thought that it would be her and me, you know? Together. In gay Paree. And for a moment there, she let me think that it was possible."
"Whoa. You're like a mile ahead of the track here, Pacey. And if you want my advice, you've got to stop doing that perpetual dance around each other," Jack admonished him. "Let her go, dude."
~*~
He did let her go. And the second time wasn't any easier than the first.
"I feel so bad for Pacey," I confessed to Bessie.
"Joey did too. When we returned to that apartment she was sharing with Erin & company, I begged her to let me tell Pacey and again she refused. I slept on the couch that night intent on making sure she was really okay before I went back home. Early the next morning, she hobbled out in tears and confessed that she felt guilty about having devastated Pacey so completely. Apparently, the two of them…"
"I know."
"You know? How?"
"I put two and two together and made five," I covered. (I wasn't supposed to know, remember?)
Bessie appeared confused, but continued. "Anyway, they were about to make a second try at the relationship only this time it got serious too fast."
They were always serious too fast; they couldn't help it.
"Joey felt Pacey was on the verge of a proposal and she knew she wasn't ready."
"So she ran."
"It's in her blood," Bessie confirmed with a wistful sigh. "Fear of happiness can be a strangely strong emotion."
Boy, I knew that one well!
"Joey once hoped to graduate early this January instead of next June but now…I hate to say this, but I think she'll be lucky to graduate on time. Her professors have all been great, it's just a lot to ask of someone who's still so fragile."
"Yes, it is," I concurred.
"And it doesn't matter anyway. All that matters is that she's fully recovered and ready to move on."
"Absolutely."
"Interestingly, the headhunters have started to come a-callin'——senior year hasn't started and she's already hearing about job prospects."
"So she's more motivated than ever."
"Right."
I drew Bessie in for a long-overdue hug. "That's our Joey."
zzzzzzzzzz
After that conversation with Bessie, I vowed to never again allow this beloved surrogate daughter get away with slipping out of sight without a word between us. I became computer literate and made it a point to e-mail her something, anything every couple of weeks. They were mostly humorous pieces, sometimes a local editorial or something in the "I can't believe he/she said that" department. Once in awhile, Lily would add a little message; I think Joey liked those notes most of all.
Bessie told her she'd stop sending money, Joey wrote, if she went back to work at Hell's Kitchen so she was now grading papers for Professor Hetson. She audited some classes during the Summer and came back in the Fall ready to kick butt.
She met a boy. A medical assistant at Boston General, where she now went in for regular checkups. Charles was going to accompany her on a trip to the Big Apple to investigate some "promising internships," according to Joey. The couple broke up soon after, but at least it was an amicable split devoid of guilt and adolescent posturing.
Our families spent the following Christmas together and I was overjoyed to see the youthful luminescence return to Joey's face. Mike Potter seemed equally pleased, determined that the unusually tempting holiday spread would help to deposit a few more pounds on his daughter's rail-thin frame. "She's too young to look so old," he complained.
But her renewed energy seemed to burn it right off. Joey was especially excited about an upcoming internship during the semester break: three weeks right in the heart of Manhattan at Scribner & Sons. In another e-mail I would learn that New York was eerily the same city she had visited four years earlier. Only it wasn't, she reported. There was something unspoken and wounded underneath, though not quite the poignant melancholy of 9/11 survivors that she had expected. She found inspiration in that.
And then, before we realized it, college graduation was upon us. Dawson had long since given up on an "elitist" college education and my favorite budding restaurateur, Pacey Witter, had found happiness honing his skills in a less structured environment——but Ms. Josephine Potter had persevered and distinguished herself in the rarefied collegiate world.
It was hardly my victory, but I still considered her part of the extended Leery family and couldn't resist taping the graduation ceremony in which she received not one but three prestigious honors for her work. That stunning brunette beauty with the gorgeous grin graduated Summa Cum Laude. Summa: with supreme honors. I was overwhelmed by a thesaurus of emotions, as Dawson would say.
Joey didn't have time to rest. One week later, she moved into Jen Lindley's apartment in New York to start her publishing job. A month or so later, I received a note that she had found an apartment of her own on West 24th Street——ironically, just outside the real Hell's Kitchen. I sent a housewarming gift… But do you know what? I can't remember what it was! (Those old-timer's lapses are becoming far too frequent these days.)
zzzzzzzzzz
Joey was happy. Dawson was happy. Pacey was…semi-happy. Definitely not the lovable goofball we all knew from high school. More serious, and yet less so when it came to relationships with women. He played the field with scarcely a concern about having anything close to permanent in his life. He was drifting.
New Pacey Witter body vocal - Keeping women at a distance. v. To deny love; failure to involve. n. Commitment in reverse proportion to need.
Pacey seemed to have a lot of female friends. Tall ones, blonde ones, some fresh out of college, others long out of school——and married. In that respect, he hadn't changed at all. Rascal or not, women loved him. Long after the romantic relationship ended, Kristy Livingstone once told me, he still remained a sympathetic ear and he was especially good with kids. Wes Rinehart, the owner of The Cash Cow, even got Pacey to sign on as an umpire in the local Little League.
If Pacey Witter once feared becoming a Capeside townie, he could never have imagined the esteem and respect he now engendered. It was something to see.
On the other hand, the pleasure of seeing the young adult Joey Potter operating in her milieu was something we Capesidians were rarely afforded. Oh, yes, she'd show up on an occasional holiday or long weekend, but nothing you could set the clock by. According to Bessie, she often asked about Pacey; how he looked, what he was doing. Then in the Spring of 2006, she came to Lily's 5th birthday party accompanied by her boyfriend, Mark, a post-graduate student at NYU. Pacey was there as well.
Joey and Pacey stood at opposite ends of the party for what seemed like eons. Joey gushed to Lily about her treasure of gifts; Pacey simply brooded——a circumstance which didn't go unnoticed by the current girlfriend standing beside him. He pretended to look around and converse with others, but inevitably his eyes wandered back to Joey. Just Joey.
"Are you going to introduce me or what?" his date finally asked, clearly frustrated.
Jolted from his trance, Pacey seemed confused. "Excuse me?"
"Miss Bambi Eyes over there. I assume she must be an old flame. Are you going to show your manners and introduce us or are you going to stay in the corner and drool…at which point I bitch-slap the girl and find me a ride home?"
Oh dear, this wasn't going to go well.
Pacey reluctantly——very reluctantly——escorted his girl across the lawn to make the proper introductions, shaking hands with Mark and giving Joey a brief hug before scooping up Lily and retreating to the refreshments table. Joey giggled; Miranda what's-her-name fumed. A few minutes later, I saw Pacey chasing after his date, their animated argument lost in the lulling Spring breeze. Exit GF #26.
As I later learned, unbeknownst to Pacey, Joey and Mark would also have an argument. This one occurred later when they got back to New York, and it had nothing to do with Pacey——at least, Joey never indicated as much. It was more about a general sense of restlessness both of them were feeling, she said. By the end of the month, the couple had split and Joey had sworn off "professional students".
I don't know if Joey & Pacey ever entertained the idea of a future together at this point. The odds didn't seem to be in their favor. Neither was the history. They had come together quickly, bonded by mutual insecurities; tragically, those same insecurities tore them apart with nearly devastating consequences. How could a future together ever be possible if neither one of them was willing commit to their present-day relationships? Was their emotional bond that strong——or forgiving——absent of trust?
Lesson 5: Joey & Pacey vocab - Inability to accept other partners. v. To be lost in a flawed past, seeking renewal. n. Questionable redemption via negative wish-fulfillment.
zzzzzzzzzz
Joey once told me that it was a dance instructor who first enlightened she and Pacey to their "screwball mating ritual", their attraction to each other. The awkwardness and tension between them that both had been struggling with, perhaps for years, was a sign of a much deeper sexual chemistry. For most of their young lives, both were so focused on denying it that denial had become second-nature to them.
Ironically enough, it was Pacey Witter who seemed to snap out of it first. He ran into Hannah von Weiding at the Spring Regatta and they not only began dating, but moved in together for a brief time. I believe it would have been a more permanent relationship if the "Bar Harbor von Weidings" hadn't interceded and threatened to cut Hannah off financially if she continued to flaunt "this unfortunate circumstance". She tried to resist her family, but inevitably caved in. That was too bad. I liked Hannah. No longer hardened and too smart for her own good, she had matured into a beautiful, touchingly vulnerable young woman.
Pacey seemed to survive the breakup fine. For once, he accepted that he deserved the girl…he just didn't deserve her dysfunctional family. And that was a step forward.
The next time I saw Joey was another step back——into the past. I was surprised. Not that she was here in Capeside, but where I found her: in front of "her" Wall. The now legendary brick wall with its heartfelt declaration, "Ask Me to Stay". I was driving past the Front Street Market and saw her standing in the empty lot next door, her face veiled in thought. When I mentioned my sighting to her the next day, Joey said she was amazed to see the message still so bold and clear, still beckoning her there; it was the first time in years she had seen it in broad daylight.
Lesson 6: Joey Potter body vocab- Eyes wide open, feet stationary. v. To take in something beyond comprehension. n. Realization leading to deeper belief.
Few people in town knew the true story of the Wall, but within weeks many colorful stories had been invented. Soon, each time there was talk of painting it over, petitions were collected to keep the wall as is. The Tourist Board loved it, pronouncing it a local landmark and using its image in brochures. It was an unsigned personal ad that had become a thing of mystery and enchantment.
Joey blushed when I told her that, joking that she was doomed to become immortal in men's eyes.
When I saw her again that Christmas, the backdrop was even more telling. It was with Pacey outside the local toy shop. Pacey was loaded down with various sizes of shopping bags. He'd obviously doing some last-minute holiday shopping, and Joey grabbed a pair of bags so that she could tuck her arm within his. Pacey had dark circles under his eyes——Wes' illness and the Christmas rush had taken its toll on him——but his eyes positively twinkled. The couple walked down the street happily conversing and I began to wonder, even hope. Could this be a new beginning? The beginning of a beginning? Or just another distracted moment?
New Joey & Pacey vocab - An interlude, lost in their own perfect world. v. Attraction trumping fear before reality transcends it all. n. The undying fantasy about what might have been or still could be.
None of the above, I guess. Joey got her "Pacey fix" and returned to New York after the holidays; Pacey stayed, immersed in his newfound responsibilities as Wes Rinehart, his boss and soon-to-be partner, got sicker and sicker. That winter, Pacey, ever the loyal friend, was always running off on one Wes emergency or another. But I couldn't figure out that oversized aquarium he requested help in finding——until I found out that it wasn't for Wes at all; it was for Joey. He spent weeks gathering the colorful pieces, a nod to their favorite story, The Little Mermaid. (Their story was, appropriately, a sailor's fairy tale.) Then he hired a Manhattan exotic aquarium outlet to put everything together in Joey's apartment. Given that the whole thing took up enough space for a small sofa or coffee table, and Joey had always described her living room as being little more than a shoebox, I'll bet there were mixed feelings about that one!
But I also have no doubt that the gesture made her smile.
zzzzzzzzzz
I didn't hear about the new beau until the following summer. I had a new man in my life then, too——Richard Carlsen, who quickly became an integral part of all Leery family adventures. Richard and I invited the Potter/Wells family (Wells was Bodi's legal name) to Waldeck Island for the 4th of July weekend, but Joey begged off, alluding to a romantic tryst she had been promised with a very promising, very sexy young author. A few months later, Bessie confided in me that Joey had moved into Chris Devonshire's Westside apartment, and I knew it must be serious. I couldn't imagine Joey giving up her rent-controlled apartment for any other reason.
Love was the dominant emotion.
When Richard and I set a Spring 2008 date, Joey's name was on top of the wedding invitation list…and she was the first one to decline. With no small amount of disappointment, she explained to me that she and Chris were celebrating their one-year anniversary——no, they hadn't gotten married, just dating——and another romantic trip had been planned. Imagine my surprise then when she showed up in Capeside anyway. She was evasive and awkward around Dawson, never really owning up to the reason for changing her mind, but I suspected then (before even confirming it with Bessie) that the sneaky culprit was a change of heart.
Throughout the years, one truth remained constant: Joey Potter was, to quote Woody Allen, "Certain only of what she did not want." Unfortunately, fear still ruled her heart, crippling her from enjoying the happiness she fought so hard to attain. Love without conflict, without sacrifice, was beyond her comprehension. (See Vocab Lesson #6.)
What turned her around and made the happy ending finish a real possibility? An angel in the form of Jennifer Lindley. Dear Jen had been ill for months and no one except Grams knew anything about it. When she collapsed at our wedding celebration, everyone rallied around her. But no one was more affected than Jack, Joey, Pacey and Dawson. The idea that they could lose their comrade in the blink of an eye seemed unfathomable. But the group stayed true to character until the end: Pacey in his efforts to keep things light; Dawson in his melancholy; Jack in his dedication to Jen and her baby; and Joey in her acceptance of the inevitable, even as it afforded her renewed friendship.
"Jen challenged me," she would later write, "made me acknowledge that I wasn't living the life I expected to lead——not by a long shot. She insisted that I choose…it was her dying wish, damnit. I was settled, content but not really happy——not like I expected to be. My passion wasn't writing or art. It was Pacey——and I had known that since I was 16. But the prospect of losing him again, being vulnerable to the kind of pain that nearly overwhelmed me when he disappeared the summer after high school. It left me content to have him in my life solely as a friend.
"A special friend. And that was enough when we were both still healing…then too little when the attraction was reborn——despite our 'best' attempts to squelch it…and decidedly deficient when our feelings were too strong to deny. How do you get the love of your life out of your system? I ran. Pacey did it and seemed to find peace, why couldn't I?"
Now we were getting somewhere!
Lesson 8: Joey & Pacey vocab - To run from one's true feelings. v. To deny one's innermost desires. n. Selfless flight in search of a greater good.
Though I missed the signs earlier in the day (oops!), I suspected something was up when I saw Joey return to The Ice House just as the final mourners were leaving the wake. No, I wasn't spying; I was closing up my own establishment across the way. I had just turned off the last light when I saw the couple walk to Pacey's car, Joey's head resting on his shoulder much like it had been throughout much of the memorial——only this time it didn't appear to be in grief.
The next day, the pair slipped out of sight entirely. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where: Pacey's boat was also gone. In the ensuing weeks, Pacey's presence as owner/greeter at The Ice House became disturbingly infrequent and I was about to make the proper inquiries when I got a call from my son. He'd just gotten off the phone with the happy couple. Pacey had popped the question and Joey & Pacey were not only getting married, they were expecting a baby in the Spring! (Like I said before, things always moved quickly in the Witter world.)
Dawson was startled——but happy for them; I was relieved. Yay!
zzzzzzzzzz
I was looking at some photos to put into an antique album I found; I thought a book of memories from childhood to present day would be a nice thing to bring to Jenny's christening party. The snapshots of Joey, Pacey & Dawson as endearing young tykes are clear favorites….But it's the ones I collected from Bodi and Jack after the wedding that I keep coming back to. There's best men Jack & Doug outside Trinity Church——look how beautiful that chapel is. Here's dear Grams…I have to pause for a minute. We lost Grams a few short months later….But look at her here with an equally precious Amy; she appears almost——serene.
Andie McPhee brought her beau. From England, no less. Ah! Gretchen and her husband, Jim, with their two kids…Pacey's parents, checking out the lovely floral arrangements. Alex looks cute here in his ringbearer's suit, just like his father (who doubled as the videographer in Dawson's absence)…The father of the bride, Mike Potter, dressed to the nine's——even though he could only come to the reception afterward. He was so proud! And of course I have to put Lily, the flower girl here.
Audrey Liddell showed up with half of John Mayer's band, and they took over the stage at the wedding reception. We danced the night away, leaving the newlyweds scarcely enough time to make their flight to London.
I also discovered a cache of long-lost photos of Lillian & Mike and Mitch & I when we were just starting our married lives in Capeside. I think I'll sneak those into the front pages. Grandma and Grandpa were quite the handsome couple. Look at that smile on Lillian! I had forgotten how much it resembled Joey's.
zzzzzzzzzz
So I stroll into the Potter B&B, book in hand, and am taken aback by the poignant family scene. Everyone has gathered around the new parents and baby and I am so touched I want to cry.
She's not my daughter…but she could have been. And, as I watch Joey with her brand new baby girl, I realize that I am as proud of her as her mother would have been. I am bursting with so much pride it's hard to contain myself. I feel like a mother welcoming her first grandchild into the family. In fact, I AM that mother.
Pacey smiles and walks over to me with Jenny in his arms. "Would you mind if we asked her to call you Grams?" he says, rocking her gently.
Once again, I am brought back into that family——not in the way I once imagined it would be but in the way it should be.
"I would be honored," I respond with the utmost humility. Pacey places Jenny in my arms. I didn't know about you——no, I didn't, little one. You were their special secret.
Along with their love.
