Long Road Back 5
(sorry for the delay in posting. Lots of personal and family issues happening right now. This is a short addition.More is coming)
Sara
sat in the chair next to her and fell asleep again. After a long
while she heard a slight squeaking noise. She opened her eyes and saw
Angel trying to get up out of the bed and not having much success.
"What in the hell are you doing?" she yelled while trying to
stop her.
"I am leaving" she blurted out and kept trying.
"Like hell you are! Just lie down and calm down. Don't make me call the doctor in here to sedate you again" she added with seriousness to her voice that Angel had never heard before. After a few halfhearted attempts to continue she finally gave up and lay back down. Pain was crossing her face.
Sara reached for the call button and Angel tried to grab for it.
"No don't! I'm lying down. I don't want that bitch coming back in here," she added angrily.
Sara took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down.
"She won't be back. Why do you want to leave?" she noticed tears were streaming down Angel's face.
"I just want out. I want out of here. I want to go home. I want this to be over. I want to see Adam," she kept sobbing.
"He is coming. I promise you that. Running away wont make this instantly disappear. It happened, it's over, and you are going to have to deal with it," she said in a very stern tone.
"You didn't see him like that Sara, I did. I thank God you didn't see him" she finally made and effort to calm down when she saw how upset Sara was getting.
"You are so strong. You need to be strong a little while longer. You are one of the strongest people I know" Sara admitted. This statement started a new flood of tears.
"No I'm not Sara. I panicked. I cried most of the time. And then when he needed help most I…" she still could hear Marks voice yelling for her to come back. She turned from Sara.
"You what?" she asked wondering what could be so bad to get this kind of guilt. "Crying is natural. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a reaction to what is happening. Showing your feelings makes you a better person in that it shows you care," she added hoping it would alleviate some part of her guilt.
Angel kept shaking her head slightly. After a while she calmed down.
"I want to see Mark," she said softly.
"If you stay here and calm down I have already arranged for you to see him. But not if you stay upset like this. It won't do either of you any good" she saw a ray of hope on Angel's face.
"Can he feel his legs yet?" she asked hopefully. After a few seconds Sara shook her head no.
"They are pretty sure he will get better. There are no broken bones in his back. He probably slid into the tree at the end. There is some swelling of his spinal cord but nothing broke." She said with hope in her voice.
"Pretty sure" Angel repeated sarcastically.
"Are you calmed down now?" she asked trying to lighten the mood.
Angel nodded and wiped the remaining tears on her bandaged hands. Sara pushed the button and sat down waiting for the doctor to come in.
After a few minutes of talking Sara even managed to get her to smile. The doctor came in with a wheelchair. After some help they got her into the chair. The doctor came around in front of her and looked her right in the eyes.
"I just want to give you some idea of how he looks before you go in. He is asleep right now. He has a lot of bandages and a couple casts. He should look better than when you last saw him" he looked up at Sara who nodded slightly at him. Angel caught the glance and wondered why.
Together they pushed her down the hall. Angel kept her eyes on the floor until she felt the motion of the wheels slowly stopping. She looked up and saw him briefly through a window. She took a deep breath and felt Sara's hand grab her wrist, as she couldn't hold her hand.
The first thing she noticed was his red hair peeking out behind the bandages on his head. His left eye was bruised and she could see scabs on the area not covered by the bandages. She felt tears rolling down her face as she saw the bandages on his chest and covering his whole leg. She noticed the casts. She found herself staring at his legs willing them to move.
"Oh God" she heard herself say. She thought she had prepared herself for how he looked but now that he was in front of her she still pictured the places his skin was torn. She could almost see through the bandages at every cut and scrape. He looked even more helpless than he did out on that road. Even the thought that he had gotten help and was safe didn't help her at all.
She reached out to touch his hand that was covered in bandages much like her own but saw she couldn't and felt the tears flowing again.
"We just gave him another pain shot so he won't feel anything," the doctor added hoping she would try again to touch him.
The simple words, 'won't feel anything' coursed through her like a knife. Sara reached over and put his hand on top of her bandaged hand. She tried to grasp around it and felt the pain it caused in her hand but it didn't stop her from trying. She noticed a slight frown cross his features and she let go thinking the effort hurt him in some way.
"He felt you there" Sara added smiling. The smile wasn't returned.
After another minute or two she whispered, "I want to go back to my room." The doctor looked at Sara hoping her look would tell him if this was a good or bad experience but her face showed nothing.
They
took her back to her room and with help she got back into bed. Sara
said she would be back later and went back down the hall to be with
Mark. After she left the doctor was finishing writing on her chart.
"I want something for pain," she said plainly and blankly.
The doctor looked over his glasses at her and started to speak.
"I will give you something but it wont be what you have been having. Now that you are through the worst of it I am moving the medication down a bit" he said.
"I want whatever you were giving me before" she said with a hint of anger in her voice.
"I can't do that. I will give you something but it won't be as strong as what you have been given. I will send a nurse in" he patted her hand and walked out. Angel turned her head to the window and noticed it had started to rain.
After a couple hours Sara was still sleeping in her chair beside Mark. He was slowly waking up from the last shot. She heard him moving and tried to open her eyes.
"Morning sunshine" she heard him whisper.
"Feeling better?" she asked hopefully.
"A little" he said knowing it was a lie.
The doctor knocked on the door and walked in.
"Can
I see you for a moment Mrs. Calaway?" she could tell by the look on
her face it was not good. Sara looked down at Mark who also had a
concerned look.
"What's wrong?" he asked rising a bit.
"Nothing, I just want to ask her a question about the medical history of your friend" he said with a smile. Sara stood up and walked outside and closed the door behind her.
The doctor took a breath and finally began speaking.
"I just had to sedate Angel again. She asked for a pain shot after you left earlier and I told her it wouldn't be what she has been getting and she seemed angry with that. The nurse gave her the shot and after a while she went back to check. Apparently she ripped her IV out and was in the process of getting dressed. I don't know what happened but she was very agitated and started throwing things and swearing loudly. She took a few steps to the door and fell. Her knees are bleeding again and her hands. It took two orderlies to hold her while we sedated her. Her blood pressure was fairly high and I had no other choice. High blood pressure and previous brain injuries don't go well together. After checking her further I can hear a slight rattle in her lungs. She may be developing pneumonia," he added looking at her very seriously.
Sara could only shake her head to herself. What would be causing this kind of meltdown? What else happened out there that they hadn't told her?
Sara looked at him for answers. She didn't see any.
"I told you I didn't recommend this. I need to know right now what is emotionally wrong with her that isn't in the records. If you can't provide me with a reason I will have to take more drastic steps to keep her from harming herself" he said seriously.
"She has finally gotten her life together. She is happy. The rest should be in the past," she said quickly.
"She may be happy but it isn't in the past if she is reacting like this. What has happened to her to explain these outbursts?" he repeated.
Sara wasn't sure what to say.
"I promised her that what she has said to me would stay with me," she said bluntly.
"If you don't tell me her full emotional problems I will have to have her put in restraints. Besides, anything you say to me is protected by law." he threatened with a severity that gave her the chills.
Sara took a deep breath.
"She had a drug problem last year. She was in a very abusive relationship. Her parents and family mentally and emotionally abused her. Her ex boyfriend raped her. She has had physical abuse, sexual abuse, and mental and verbal abuse from most of the people who were her family or who claimed to care about her. She blames herself for everything ever since her ex. It got so much better after she met her husband. She is a different person" Sara hoped it would be enough without providing details.
"Something happened that triggered this. She is reverting to a place of behavior that is familiar and rebellious, which probably helped her in the past to cope. It is her way of avoiding whatever she was going through. Has she ever discussed her fears with you?" he asked trying to think ahead.
"The thing she is most afraid of is abandonment. Her parents used to say they were leaving for good and would go buy alcohol and come back. She is most afraid of being alone and abandoned," she said calmly.
"She may have felt alone if he was in and out most of the time," he added.
"No, she was fine taking care of him. When she gets like that she denies there is a problem. There is no way she could deny the situation she was in. It has to be something else" she still couldn't figure this out.
"Do you think she will talk to a counselor?" he asked hopefully.
Sara shook her head truthfully.
"Once her husband gets here she will get better. He is very supportive and has a way of reaching her that only a few of us have stuck around long enough to discover" she frowned.
"He may help but she will need long term help. I have no doubt he can reach her but not until she wants to, and that is not the permanent answer. Something happened out there she hasn't shared. Has she said anything other than what we know?"
Sara shook her head again.
"Let me know when he comes please" he patted her on the arm hoping it would help her stress but knew it wouldn't. He left and she stood looking through the glass at Mark who was watching with eagle eyes. She took a deep breath and walked back in the room with a halfhearted smile.
"What's wrong?" he asked knowing there was something happening.
"He just wanted to know if she is allergic to anything" she hated to lie but didn't want to see him get any more upset than he already was.
"You are a terrible liar Sara" he glared at her. She looked up at him and wasn't sure what to do.
"There was a problem but it's taken care of. She might be getting sick is all" she was hoping that would be enough.
"What kind of problem?" he asked with almost a growl. Sara looked at him for a long time. She didn't want to tell him the truth but knew at this point she had to. Not telling him was making him more upset.
"She tried to leave. They had to sedate her again," she said feeling another tear trickling down.
"Tried to leave" he said plainly. "I want to see her and have a little talk" Sara could see anger in his green eyes.
"She was already here when you were asleep. I don't think she handled it well" she brushed the tear away and started cursing herself for the idea.
"She was already here?" he asked angrily.
Sara nodded and he started pushing his elbows down to rise up again.
"Don't make me call him in here to sedate you too" she said hugging him.
"Damn it Sara. Why didn't you wait? She hasn't seen me awake since this started. That was stupid," he screamed.
He saw tears rolling down her cheeks and could feel her shaking sobs. He realized what he had done after he already did it. He grabbed on to her and tried to hold her.
"I'm sorry," he whispered in her ear. She continued crying for a few more minutes. He could feel the gown was wet under her cheek and was now mad at himself for losing his cool. He had never yelled at her before except during an argument.
"I shouldn't have brought her in here but I thought it would help" she said brushing the tears away.
"You didn't know. You know how she gets. Damn, I wish I could talk to her" he felt himself get more frustrated and that was only upsetting Sara more.
After a few minutes she calmed down and he was still holding her. Slowly she stood up and dropped into the chair next to him.
"You should go to the hotel" he could tell she was exhausted because she didn't lose her composure that easily.
"I am not going anywhere until Adam gets here" she answered quickly.
"I shouldn't have taken her out on that bike. That kid can't get a break no matter what," he said shaking his head.
"Have you ever told her why you are so close?" she looked at him knowing.
He
shook his head no.
"You should tell her. Sometimes she feels
like she is the only one in the world who has ever been abused or
depressed" she knew what a sensitive subject that was to Mark. She
could see him visibly become uncomfortable.
"I can't tell her that Sara. I want to forget it myself half the time. I want to forget her, that was a long time ago and I can't change it now. I couldn't help her, maybe I can help Angel," he said looking away from her.
"Pretending it didn't happen won't help anyone. She should know why you are so close to her and not just being a father figure" she said but he still wouldn't look at her.
"Subject is closed Sara. I will someday but not today" he looked back at her and smiled. He hated cutting her off but this time he had to.
"I am going to go check on her. I will be back," she said kissing him again.
"I still want to see her, when I am awake this time" he said with no humor in his voice.
"I will ask but he doctor didn't recommend it the first time. He almost put her in restraints the last time" she added and winced to herself as soon as the words came out.
"What!" he shouted.
Sara was cursing herself. He still didn't know the whole story and didn't think he should right now.
"Get his ass in here right now" he shouted lifting himself by his elbows again. Sara saw his face turn a shade of red that she only saw when he was losing control.
"She isn't in them right now Mark. She fought with two orderlies and they had to hold her down. She tried to leave and was hurting herself," she said trying to hold him.
"I don't care! If he puts anything on her I will kill him myself" he was gritting his teeth together at the pain his movement was causing.
"Stop
it Mark. You are doing exactly what she did. Stop!" she yelled at
him with all the bravado she could muster.
"Why did she try to
leave? There is more Sara and I want to know right now. She wouldn't
leave unless there was something else going on. Either tell me now or
I will drag myself down there and see for myself" he yelled and
some people were starting to look in the room.
"There is nothing going on. There was a little mix up and they are handling it" she yelled right back.
"Don't lie to me Sara. What kind of mix up?" he demanded his green eyes were piercing right through her soul.
"I cant tell you because look at how you are acting now" she tried to counter. He simply stared at her until he saw her beginning to crack. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down.
"Tell me what it is. I can't lay here and wonder. I want the truth. That is the only thing I have ever asked from you," he said very seriously.
Sara took a deep breath and looked at the floor.
"Promise me you wont freak out," she asked hopefully. Inside he could feel his stomach twist. He slowly nodded.
"There was a mix up on her orders. They were supposed to be giving small doses of mild painkillers for her back. A nurse didn't read the complete orders and they were giving her something else," she said hoping it would be enough but knowing it wouldn't.
"What were they giving her" he could feel his anger rising again.
"Morphine" she said simply.
His eyes shut and he could feel that he lost his breath, as easily as if she had hit him.
Sara saw him start to visually shake in anger. He started punching the side of the mattress with his fist as hard as he could. There had only been a few times she saw him lose control like that and it scared her. She took a step back.
Sara heard the door open and saw the doctor step in with a worried look on his face.
"What's going on in here? His blood pressure and heart rate just went sky high" he looked and saw the expression on Mark's face and saw Sara step in front of him.
"You bastard!" Mark screamed at him. Mark grabbed the only thing he could reach, the metal bowl on the table next to his bed. He threw it as hard as he could with his good hand. Luckily he didn't throw it at either of them but the impact cracked one of the windows. Mark now felt the pain the movement caused and dropped his head back down hard on the pillow.
A
nurse heard the commotion and came running in with a syringe she
handed to the doctor.
"You put me out and you will live to
regret it," Mark screamed at him.
The doctor stood there with the syringe and had a look of terror in his eyes. He stood looking back and forth at Sara and Mark wondering which course of action was safer. Slowly he dropped the syringe in his pocket.
"What is going on?" he asked softly but sternly. His first concern was his patient over his own safety.
"You gave her morphine you son of a bitch" Mark screamed at the man who instantly closed his eyes.
"There was a mix up on the orders. The nurse who gave it has been suspended. She only had a few doses" he offered in a feeble defense.
"She shouldn't have had any. It was your responsibility and not some nurse" he spat back still shaking in anger.
"You're right" was all he could say.
Sara saw that Mark was trying to calm down. The redness was leaving his face and she could see him trying to take deep breaths. She could also see the look of pain on his face.
"I want to see her as soon as she wakes up. I want to be awake this time and if you give me any shit you will regret it" he said very seriously.
The doctor started to shake his head. Mark took his one good arm and grabbed the rail of the bed and started to pull himself up. After a few quick attempts he was sitting upright. The doctor looked at him in almost fear. If he were almost his height sitting up what would he be standing up?
"Calm down Mr. Calaway. You could be injuring yourself worse. I am afraid her seeing you would only make things worse for her. She didn't respond well the first time. We are waiting for her husband to come. Maybe then we can try it again" he tried to say calmly.
"I will see her as soon as she wakes up, I will drag myself down there if I have to" Mark shot him his most menacing look in his arsenal. The doctor finally nodded in defeat.
"Do you feel up to a check on your status?" he asked carefully.
"Do you feel up to a punch in the mouth?" Mark shot back.
"Mark! Stop it. It wasn't his fault. Lay down there and let him do his job" she walked over to him and put her hand on his chest. Slowly he lowered himself down gritting his teeth the whole way. "I don't know which one of you acts more like a kid, you or her!" He gave her a look that reminded Sara of embarrassment. Mark gave her a slight smile, which she returned.
The doctor stood at a safe distance until he got a nod from Sara. Slowly he reached and pulled the sheets back. He pulled out the pin and waited until he closed his eyes.
He gently pushed the pin on the toes of his broken leg. He looked at Marks face for some sign that he felt it. He noticed a slight frown.
"Did you feel that?" he asked hopefully.
"I didn't feel pain but I felt a tingly numb kind of feeling" he said keeping his eyes shut.
Sara
noticed a slight smile on the doctors face as he moved to the other
leg. He pushed the pin on his foot.
"How about that?" he
asked.
"Same thing" Mark said quickly.
He moved the pin higher up on his leg.
"That hurt!" Mark said feeling his own excitement. Sara could feel tears in her eyes.
"That is very encouraging. With injuries like this the effects go downward. They are the same in healing. The further down you go the longer it takes. Can you try moving your legs at all?" they both looked at the same thing.
With great effort and concentration they saw him move his good foot slightly, barely enough to be seen but it was movement. There was no movement on his bad leg.
"That's enough for now. You must be a fast healer. Your broken leg will take longer but I think with time you will be all right" he said smiling.
"Will I wrestle again?" Mark asked
The doctor stared at him for quite a while.
"I can't answer that. Let's concentrate on getting you walking before we worry about wrestling" he said hopefully.
Mark nodded in return and took a deep breath.
"I want to see Angel when she wakes up. I mean it. I have to talk to her and get this fixed" Mark gave the doctor his most serious look in his arsenal.
"That will depend on her and how she is when she wakes up" the doctor added quickly, "I will be back later or when she wakes up" he added and left the room.
Sara grabbed his good hand and held it tightly.
Angel opened her eyes and squinted at the brightness coming in the window. She looked around the empty room trying to remember what had gone on. As the memories of the fight came back she began to fill with the same feelings that caused the outburst in the first place. Tears rolled down her cheeks as the guilt burned through her.
She looked down at the IV she felt in her arm. She started coughing a painful cough and felt like her lungs were on fire. She tried to take a deep breath but found she couldnt. Only now did she find the irony of the ribbing about her smoking. After a moment her breath came back and she heard the door opening. Sara walked with a smile. Angel saw the dark circles under her eyes and the exhausted look on her face. Sara slowly sat down next to her like she had so many times in the past day.
"I have good news for you" she said still smiling.
Angel looked past her at the wall and showed no emotion. This reaction didnt go unnoticed as Sara was hoping anything would pick her up right now. Angel started coughing again and Sara instantly heard the congestion. She waited until Angel caught her breath and continued.
"Adam is on his way. He will be here in about an hour. They had him on a flight that had to land because of the weather. He is driving here from Cleveland because a snowstorm closed Buffalo" Sara was still smiling and Angel was still staring. She at least expected a smile or excitement. This was her most feared reaction. She was shutting down again like she had done with Matt. There was nothing except the empty shell of a person she had seen before.
"Aren't you even happy he is coming? Is this how you are going to be? This won't help you or Mark. Mark wants to see you. He is not at all happy that he was asleep the last time. He wants to talk to you" Sara tried to look into her eyes and was surprised when Angel's gaze went from no reaction and sadness to one of intensity and clarity. Sara felt her heart drop when Angel said nothing but softly shook her head no. Although it broke her heart to do it she still played the tough love card. If Angel shut off again worse could happen this time.
"If you don't come down to see him he will come to see you. He already hurt himself trying to do that. He is hurting and I am tired of watching my best friend and my husband in pain. I am not going to play your game. Adam will be here and when he does we will all go and see Mark. Besides he has a surprise for you" Sara gently reached to touch her bandaged hand and was hurt when the hand was pulled away. Sara grabbed it anyway.
"You
wont shut me off like this. I wont let you give up. We will all get
through this."
Angel continued to look past her to the wall.
After a while Sara gave up and went out into the hall.
Unable to handle the stress and exhaustion anymore she leaned against the wall and slid down. Her hands covered her eyes and she could feel eyes watching her sobs. After a minute she heard a gentle voice that instantly made her stop. She looked to see Adam kneeling in front of her and her arms flew around him. He looked more tired than she. She felt the days worth of beard scratch her cheek.
After a minute of hugging she felt him help her up and saw him smile.
"How is she?" he asked.
"She won't even talk to me now. She wont say anything. She just stares. I told her that Mark wanted to see her and all she did was shake her head no. She is worse than the last time I talked to you. The doctor wanted me to let him know when you get here. You go in and see her and I will go tell him." she hugged him again lightly and turned.
Adam took a deep breath and picked up his duffle bag and slowly opened the door. He stepped inside. Her eyes were closed. Putting down the bag he sat down next to her on the bed.
Angel's eyes flew open as she felt the bed move. Tears instantly welled in her eyes. Painfully she tried to rise up and hug him. He bent down and hugged her firmly. He felt his own tears falling. After a few minutes of sobbing on both sides he gently lay her back down and kissed her lightly on the lips.
"How do you feel?" he asked her with a slight smile on his face, he had already gotten his end of the running joke many times before.
At first Angel didnt have the words to answer him. She didnt want to say anything in the hopes that if she didnt talk the reality didnt happen. Her cough started again but this time was bad enough that she had to sit up. Adam started to get alarmed by the flush now in her cheeks but the spell soon passed.
"I think I smoked too many cigarettes" she offered as a feeble attempt to joke. She reached out to grab his hand and was frustrated that she couldnt because of the bandages. He saw her agitation and gently picked up her hand in both of his. After a minute of silence he touched her chin and moved it up to look her in the eyes.
"This wansn't your fault. It was an accident. You did everything you could. You probably saved his life. I have been talking to Sara off and on since I left and I want to know why you tried to leave. I want to know how you could hurt me by hurting yourself?" His blue eyes pierced through her and she now felt more pain.
"I wanted to get to you, or get out of here." she said quietly.
"I think you wanted to run. And no matter how far you run this wont go away. It still happend. And it wasnt your fault. I think there was another reason why you wanted to leave and it had nothing to do with Mark or Sara or me." she looked at him questioning.
"You know what I am talking about Angel. You wont get it here and you wont get it when you leave either. If I see any signs you are using again, I will put you in rehab.You are going to have to deal with this the hard way. And you are going to see Mark and we will be with you."
