The Hunt for the Perfect Man: Chapter 5 - Jakotsu
This is still a tag-team performance brought to you by CharmedReality and BelleDayNight.
Disclaimer: We didn't create the characters. We just put them in compromising situations for our amusement.
-ooo-oooooo-ooo-
He straightened his jacket and put the finishing touches on his quaff in the rear view mirror of his jeep. It wasn't every day he had a date with a mysterious woman. Of course, that was mostly because he was gay, but details weren't important. He needed to make a good impression. After all, he didn't want his brother, Bankotsu, saying the date didn't count because he didn't try hard enough. He was determined that this little rouse would settle things once and for all.
'Now, what is it that girls like?' he wondered as he browsed through a corner drug store in search of some last minute gifts for this "Kagome" person he would be picking up. His eyes landed on a cooler that contained a pale blue carnation attached to a lacy, white wristband, and he actually giggled aloud at the sight.
"A corsage. Perfect. No one can say a gay man doesn't do breeder romance right!" he said cheerfully to no one in particular even though he turned quite a few heads on his way to pay.
-ooo-oooooo-ooo-
Kagome was looking forward to her date. After four—five if you counted the one her grandfather set her up on—bad dates she was due for a stroke of good luck. How many losers could there be in one city anyway?
"Hey, I'm out of milk, and I'm taking yours!" came a loud voice from outside her bedroom, "Don't bother coming out. I know how you ladies like to keep your weird getting-ready-for-a-date secret to yourself."
She set her hairbrush down and sighed as she listened to her neighbor barge in without knocking and make a beeline for her refrigerator. She folded her arms in front of her chest and waited for the inevitable whining.
"You are out of milk! How can you be out of milk?"
Emerging from her room, in a turquoise top and stylish white skirt, she walked silently to the front door, opened it, looked at him, and waited.
"If you have somewhere to be don't let me stop you."
"Out!" she demanded firmly.
"Kagome, is that any way to treat your favorite neighbor?" he shot back calmly with a smirk.
"The reason I don't have any milk is because you drank it all yesterday. And if you are so concerned with giving me my privacy when you knew I was getting ready for a date, then why did you come over?" she demanded testily.
"If you are so fond of being given your privacy then why didn't you lock your door? That can't really be safe, can it? Especially when all sorts of creeps know where you live now that you have started your mission to date half the city." He tossed in the last part mostly because there was nothing within her reach for her to throw at him.
"The last cre... The last guy was one of your best buddies. Maybe you are the one who shouldn't know where I live," her tone was much less frustrated sounding than the words themselves. This easy back and forth of barbs and one-liners of theirs had become something of a pre-date ritual.
In a way it was helpful preparation. After a few minutes with Inuyasha she could face whoever might come next.
Before Inuyasha could bat his eyes in fake contrition, both their heads turned to the sound of loud, upbeat, dance music emanating from a black jeep with a pink license plate holder and a shiny disco ball hanging from the rear view mirror.
Her intrusive neighbor was already doubled over laughing as she moved closer to the door to get a good look for herself. "You're dating Boy George! You've gone through all the straight men!" He was holding onto the back of the couch to keep from falling over with his laughter.
Kagome saw a man emerge from the jeep who was a little too pretty to be handsome. He was rearranging his long, black hair and adjusting the tendrils that hung down his long neck. For a moment, Kagome wished she could get her own hair to behave that well.
"Oh, shut up! You are just jealous because you're always such a mess. It's nice to see a man put some effort into his appearance!"
"Kagome, he is wearing tight, leather pants! He must think you are a guy," the man struggled to sober himself for a moment. "Oh, maybe he saw your picture and couldn't tell?" He was already laughing at his own joke when she smacked him in the arm. Hard.
"I am going to have a perfectly lovely date with a perfectly lovely gentleman. And he is not meeting you beforehand so you can ruin things!" She shoved him, and the unsuspecting man toppled over her ottoman. "So, just stay down, boy!"
She left Inuyasha in her apartment hoping it would still be intact when she returned, as she flaunted down the steps to greet her date.
"You must be Kagome! Oh, look at your earrings! They are just to die for. Where did you get them?" He continued without pause, "Give me that dainty little wrist of yours. I picked up the most perfect little accent for that outfit. The colors even work. I almost went neutral just to be sure, but who wants a neutral accent? Really. I know. Oh, I'm Jakotsu by the way," he added almost incidentally as he slipped the corsage on the speechless girl. "You can call me Jak. They all do!"
Finally, she opened her mouth to speak, but he was already leading her to the door which he did open for her. "I love that shade of lip gloss on you. Any more red in it and it would be whorish, but this is just right."
Something told her she should just go back inside, but then she remembered the man who would be ready with a mouthful of I-told-you-so if she did that. "Th-thank you. ...Your mascara is very flattering too."
Inuyasha just couldn't be right. What were the odds of something like that? What did he know about gay culture anyway? He was such a meathead. No, Jak was just a little eccentric, and that was fine. They would have a wonderful date and Inuyasha would hear all about how wrong he was!
-ooo-oooooo-ooo-
Settling into her seat next to Jak, she felt very, very underdressed for the occasion. Everyone had such exotic, amazing clothes on, which was to be expected considering he had taken her to a high fashion runway show.
He reached over to pat her hand and smile at her—such soft skin. "I just love these things. Oh, what I wouldn't give to let people dress me up like that and send me down the catwalk. I tried out once. I sent in a bunch of money to one of those scam operations. Just a shame! They do not know what they were missing out on. I can work it, girl! I'm telling you I am fierce like nobody they've seen before. Of course they always say I'm too short. Pfft, what do they know? Right? Having fun? Need anything? Oh, the music is starting!"
Well, that was one way to get around all the awkward small talk of a first date...
Kagome settled back as the first model strutted along the catwalk. Ugh, could she be any more anorexic? She watched Jak from the corner of her eye; he was absolutely enthralled by the models. Honestly, what did men see in models? They were all skinny and moody and ate ice cubes.
What guy would want to have a serious relationship with someone whose diet consisted of ice cubes? 'Look honey? I made dinner tonight—ice cube salad.'
Kagome giggled.
"Oh, I know," Jak said leaning to her side, whispering. "Those colors are just ridiculous together. Honestly fuchsia and apricot? Honestly. What was that designer snorting?"
Kagome blinked…fuchsia and apricot? She snapped her eyes to the model and noted the bright pink and peach colors. They really didn't go together. "Right. Drugs are very bad."
Jak slipped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her towards him, kissing her forehead in one fell swoop. "That's right angel cakes. I know so many lives that were ruined from bad drugs at a pool party orgy over the years. It's just catastrophic. Oh, now that's a sight!"
He pulled away from her and leaned with elbows propped on his knees eying the newest model. "I like that blue silk, I wonder if they have that in my size."
She wanted to be jealous, but she wasn't sure if it should be of the model or her dress, so she just sank back in her chair, watching Jak more than the show.
Finally, noticing the attention, Jakotsu quirked a brow in her direction before smirking. He really should try out the full heterosexual dating experience. Sure, they aren't born with the equipment, but that doesn't mean they aren't enthusiastic learners, right? There must be some reason the world is over-populated after all. Besides, it all feels the same with your eyes closed, right?
"Hey, Kagome, do you have a tongue ring?"
She blinked and almost asked him to repeat himself just to be sure she heard him correctly. "A tongue ring? No, why?"
"Oh, you know, the metal makes for good friction."
"Against wha—" Her eyes flung open wide in absolute shock and her slapping hand was in the air.
He caught her wrist, careful not to damage the flower he bought for her. "Woah, woah, I'm just joking around. Do you really think a guy like me would take advantage of a girl like you?" He smiled good-spiritedly. She knew, right? There was no reason to come right out and state the obvious. He was as obviously gay as she was a prude.
"We just met," she said a bit too loudly and was shushed by a woman in a ridiculously oversized ostrich hat. "So how could I possibly have any idea of what you are or aren't capable of?" she hissed to appease the glaring woman. "Maybe I should take a cab home."
"Are you serious? Honey, unless you are packing a little extra special something, something under that skirt you've got nothing to worry about from me. The twenty-first century is calling. It wants to know what happened to your gaydar survival pack. Misplace it the last time you went to look at baby booties at K-Mart?"
The woman took off her hat to stare them down without plumes getting in front of her eyes just as they were saved by intermission.
"But you can NOT be gay," she said with frustration.
"Oh, I and everyone on my former high school's JV soccer team beg to differ, sweetie. Well, except Mukotsu. He had this weird odor problem, and I have my standards. Oh, yes I do."
Kagome pursed her lips and ground her teeth together in anger. With a huff she pushed out of her seat and walked briskly towards the lobby. She didn't need to call Inuyasha to the rescue. Maybe that Kouga guy would feel bad enough about what happened the other night he'd give her a lift?
Right, and then his fiancée would track her down and chop her up into little pieces.
She could walk. It would probably only take about four hours if she didn't stop to rest. That way when she got home all sweaty hours later Inuyasha would have to assume the worst—er best.
"What are you doing? You're missing the best part!" Jak's voice whined as he burst into the lobby. "Seriously? You can't possibly be upset about my sexual orientation. Honestly, what sort of man wears eyeliner?"
She whirled on him and jabbed him hard in the chest with her finger. "If you say the word 'honestly' one more time I'm going to rip your tongue out and strangle you with it."
"Well that's a little graphic, don't you think?" he said tilting his head to the side.
"Why would someone gay put up a profile on a heterosexual dating service site?"
"Oh, that. Well my brother, Bank, you know, he just wanted me to make sure I was gay, right? So I told him I'd do a little experimenting, just to see. And hey, that's what this is. I'm experimenting. No need to go all PMSing on me. Yesh. It's a wonder there is any repopulating going on at all in the world."
"So I'm just an experiment?"
"Well, yeah. Aren't I just an experiment to you too?"
"I guess," Kagome admitted, folding her arms over her chest. "And what the heck was the deal with the tongue ring question? We're watching some woman strut around wearing lion skins and the next thing I know you're asking me questions about oral?"
Jak shrugged with a grin. "Lions are kinky, you know? I mean, I'm still willing to give this experiment a full run. I guess I could be bi." He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and leaned towards her ear. "What are your thoughts on threesomes or on anal?"
Kagome elbowed him hard in the ribs. "I think you're gross! That's what I think of that matter."
Jak rubbed his side gingerly. "All right. Obviously, this experiment isn't going well. Seriously, I don't see how you couldn't know I was gay with the disco ball in the jeep. See, I said 'seriously' instead of 'honestly' do I get any points for that?"
Well, he was going out to appease his brother. And he was right to a certain extent. It was all an experiment. "I am not a prude."
"I take it back," Jak said, grinning like a Cheshire cat. "Now, shall we finish the show?"
"No, I don't want to see any more peacocks strutting around on stage."
"Let's go shopping then! My treat! I'll make up for my terrible behavior." Jak grinned, thinking that he'd see whether or not she was a prude. He knew of this great store with all sorts of fun toys. Maybe they could get a chocolate flavored strap on dildo and then really…experiment.
-ooo-oooooo-ooo-
"I'm sorry about your eye. Does it still hurt?"
"You smacked me in the face with your purse. It's likely to sting for a while. No worries though. It looks like a purple bruise and that is my best color. The boys who like it rough will go wild for it." He tossed her a little wink with his non-injured eye. "I am, of course, staying as far away from women as I can for a while though. Too violent."
They both laughed as he turned off the engine in front of her apartment. "I wasn't expecting you to come up behind me with something like that it was flashing and spinning and making sounds!"
"And don't forget the lifelike texture!" His smirk sat upon his delicate features boldly.
"Don't worry. I won't be able to forget that as long as I live no matter how hard I try." After about twenty minutes of refusing to leave the jeep to go inside of a place called, Hentai's Pleasure Palace, they had actually ended up having a lot of fun inside. Who knew they could do that with rubber?
"What now? Is this the part where I walk you to the door and we have a passionate post-date kiss with lots of non-pierced tongue wagging around?"
"Eww! You can walk me to the door, and if you can manage to get all the way up there without saying something else that is going to scar me for life I'll give you a peck on the cheek for your trouble."
"Oooh, a peck on the cheek from a girl, be still my beating heart," he joked as he got out and walked around to open her door. "I'll be on my very best behavior. I wouldn't want to disturb your neighbors."
"Oh, you don't have to worry about that. My neighbor is already very deeply disturbed." She looked around, wondering where he had himself hidden this time.
Jak offered his arm and Kagome slipped hers through it. They had just reached her front door when it opened. Inuyasha stood there with a bag of trash in his hand and gave them the once-over.
"Tomorrow's trash day," he said walking past them.
"Uh, thanks," Kagome called feeling confused that he'd take out her trash for her. He was probably digging through it, trying to research her personal information. It was a good thing Souta bought her that shredder last Christmas so her nosy neighbor wouldn't be finding out too much.
Except she was just on her period. Surely he didn't take out the trash in her bathroom. Did he? Ew…gross gross gross!
"Something wrong, Kagome?" Jak asked. "Your face got really pale. Was it the gift I bought you? Because honestly, er—seriously, you don't have to use it. Just, you know, think about it? One day there might be this guy and you might want to try something kinda kinky, you know?"
"What? No, that's not it." Kagome shook her head, blushing.
"So, who's the hottie?"
"What?"
"You know, the trash collector? What's the story? You think maybe you'd be interested in a threesome if he was the cream to our oreo?"
"What? Gross! Shut up!" She started to punch him in the gut, but he caught her wrist.
"It was just a suggestion, calm down."
Inuyasha stepped back inside, his eyes drawn to the bag sitting on the kitchen table with large bold letters saying 'Hentai's Pleasure Palace.' "Uh, you're back a little earlier than I thought. You don't have other…plans do you?"
"Well honey, now that you mention it…" Jak trailed off with a flirtatious smile.
"I think you better go, it was fun. Bye Jak," Kagome pushed him to the door.
"Wait! Aren't you going to give me my kiss?"
Inuyasha chuckled. "If that black eye is any indication, I'd say she already gave you one."
Jak gave him a pouty look. "Want to make it better?"
"Uh, bye Jak," Kagome said shutting the door in his face.
She leaned against it and turned to face Inuyasha. His eyes were on the bag.
"So, did you have a good time?" he asked, smirk on his face. "What's in the bag?"
"Wouldn't you like to know," Kagome muttered. She opened the door, "I want to turn in now, if you don't mind. Leave."
Inuyasha stuck his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "Sure thing," he said with a careless shrug before leaving.
Kagome watched him in shock. That was it? Wasn't he going to tease her and rag on her? And…oh god. Rag. She grabbed her bag of treats and then hurried to the bathroom. The bag was stashed under the counter and then she saw that the trash can was empty.
She slouched against the wall and slid to the floor in disgust. How gross. Eeewwww!
What she needed was a good piece of chocolate cake. Maybe the food fairy came by and brought cake and put it in her fridge? Doubtful, but she'd check anyway.
The refrigerator was probably home to a lovely pile of moldy cheese maybe some two week old expired eggs. She opened the door and then gasped in shock.
It was fully stocked. There was even a fresh gallon of milk.
