Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes, or Booster Gold, but I do own Ebony Dent, and if used without my consent, FLMAING DEATH WILL RAIN FROM THE SKY AND DESTROY EVERY INCH OF YOUR MISBEGOTTEN LIVES! I guess there is a little favoritism in this. But, so what, I'm the author! And this is not cartoon Booster. But he's just the narrator, so don't worry. Kinda rushed, but the best I can do running on Crab chips, coffee, and soda at 2 AM when you can't sleep.
Calorie Queen: Taryn Loy of Bismoll. Superstrength gained through consumption.
Dawnstar: From Starhaven. Wings and tracking skills.
Wildfire: Drake Burroughs of Earth. Made up of antimatter energy.
Monstress: Candi Pyponte-Le Parc III. Superstrength, durable hide, energy absorption, invulnerability.
We open up the lab of time traveller, Rip Hunter. But Rip isn't there right now. It's none other than...
"Booster Gold, at your service."
"And the ever reliable Skeets." The little gold robot floated beside him.
"So, I'm pretty busy making sure that the time stream doesn't get destroyed, but I'm not too busy to know that Christmas is coming. Back in the day, when I was a selfish glory-hog-"
"Was, sir?"
"Shut up Skeets. Anyway, I acted like a really big jerk to most women, especially around the holidays. And espcially around mistletoe. This story is about that, and why you should never mistletoe unfairly. A lesson that this guy is gonna learn."
Skeets displayed a projection of...
"Matter Eater-Lad. Name: Tenzil Kem. Homeworld: Bismoll. Abilities: Matter-consumption."
"Thanks Skeets. Now, this guy, he's about to do something really stupid. About as stupid as something I would've done back in the day. It involves him, some girls, some guys, and a video camera as Mr. Kem here stars in a new TV show called...
04. Mistletoe Mugshots
The Legionnaires flew into the lounge one-by-one. They took their seats in the room filled with holiday decorations as Tenzil Kem, the somewhat scrawny Matter-Eater Lad standing in front.
"Okay, glad you're all here. Anyway, I wanted to show you guys the premiere of my new TV show. And I wanted to thank those of you who gave me a helping hand. A very helping hand."
Imra put her head in her hands. Tinya was biting her fingernails. Vi was blushing madly and looking down at the floor. The Trips held one another for moral support.
"Is this going to be awful?" Chameleon Boy asked.
"It'll be great! Trust me! I'm a senator!"
...
"Hey ho couch potatoes! It's Tenzil Kem, Matter-Eater Lad, and I've got me a brand-spanking new TV show for the holiday season! It's called Mistletoe Mugshots, and it stars some of your favorite Legion gals along with yours truly! We used our cameramen to go live in Legion HQ, and get some of the girls to go seven seconds in heaven with the Matter-Master here. You know, you'd think Phantom Girl would be pretty spoiled, with a mom for president and two guys chasing after her, but she's not so spoiled that she won't give me the time of day. Let's watch!"
"Tenzil, I need to talk to you about something."
Phantom Girl flew into the lounge looking for Tenzil.
"What is it Tinya?"
"It's about that petition I signed, I-"
"Shh. Enough about that. Look."
He pointed to the ceiling, showing the sprig of mistletoe hanging.
"It's mistletoe." He told her. "So-" she was cut off as he pulled her into an embrace and french kissed her. Tinya's screams were muffled as he dipped her. When he was was done, she backed away to the wall, her mouth shaking in fear as her eyes were as big as saucers.
"Was it as good for you as it was for me?"
She didn't reply, and just phased out through the wall.
"Let's go to the snapshot!" he said, as they should a snapshot of that scene frozen in time. In the picture, Tinya's horror and Tenzil's pleasure were multipled ten fold.
"I don't care what people say. They may call Imra an ice queen, but she is HOT! Lightning Lad the lucky jerk. But I love 'em anyways."
In the conference room, Imra flew in to meet Tenzil.
"You wanted to talk to me Matter-Eater Lad?" she asked. "Yes Saturn Girl. I'm afraid I have a problem!" "What is it?" "I, I think I have feelings for you!" "Tenzil I'm flattered, but I have a boyfriend." "I know my dear, but frankly..." he pulled out the mistletoe.
"I don't give a damn!" She was five seconds too late, and he grabbed her in an embrace. When they were done, she just stood there with her mouth open in shock. Tenzil closed it and said "I don't think it's going to work."
"Snapshot time!"
He showed them a snapshot, freezing the moment when Tenzil got to first base with Imra.
"They may call her Shrinking Violet, but I know there's an animal inside just waiting to get out. RAWWRR!"
"Vi! I need your opinion on something."
Vi flew up to him.
"What is it?"
"How's my breath?" he asked her. She smelled it. "It's fine."
"Great."
Then he lunged at her. When he was done, she ran off screaming.
"Just wanted to be sure."
He showed the snapshot of his quick tet-a-tet.
"I actually managed to get all the Trips. All Three! Man, Bouncing Boy is one lucky dog."
"Pig!" Orange Trip cried.
"Monster!" Purple Trip screamed.
"I've had better." White Trip insulted.
He showed three separate pictures of him kissing the Trips, each more horrified than the last.
"Now those I expected..."
"Yoo-hoo! Kem! There's mistletoe..."
"Uh-oh." he said as Monstress ran out at him.
"While some I was not expecting."
He showed a picture of Monstress squeezing the life out of him as she kissed him. His eyes were bugging out.
"I'm still working out the kinks from that last one."
"And some were kinda discreet." The picture was filled with shadow.
"Others were a bit regal about it." Tenzil and Princes Projectra were doing it properly.
"And some were just wild!" Tenzil was being glomped by Catspaw.
"And don't worry. These girls gave me one-hundred percent O.K. to go along with this well-before filming started. Why else would I go after them? Trust me! I'm a senator!"
...
The girls remembered what happened after they got attacked, and we're told what was going on by the cameramen.
They flew into his room, a mess, discarded mail everywhere, ones from Bismoll, bills, and one from a Miss Aries, dirty clothes, and a complete collection of comedy vids. He was laying on his bed, looking like a king.
"What the hell Kem?!" Tinya screamed.
"Where do you get off?!" Imra ordered him to answer.
"Ladies please! It's just a little mistletoe!"
"Mistletoe is one thing! Going after us with cameras and taking holos for your own sick pleasure!" Orange Trip and Purple Trip were trying to hold back White Trip.
"And the pleasure of the viewing audience of the galaxy." He joked.
"You squaj wad! I'm gonna-" Vi started.
"You're not going to do anything." He calmly stated.
"You can't take us all on, Kem!" Vi put up her fists.
"But my lawyers can."
"What?" they all asked.
"Read this." He took out a bunch of vid-screens, each containing their signatures. "Oh dear God." Tinya moaned. Tenzil started to explain. "Confidentiality agreements. Legally binding that state that you cannot lay a hand on me, nor can sue me or the broadcasting network."
"How'd you get our signatures?!" Trip yelled. "Wait, this that 'Save the Rainforest' bulletin I signed, isn't it?!" Vi cried. They had each signed some 'Save the Whatever' that Tenzil was passing around. How did he get this sneaky?
"Well fine, we'll just tell the boys, and everyone else!" Trip threatened. Tenzil just kept on his smirk. "No, I don't think you will. A funny little clause I put in there. You can't tell anyone else about these agreements, or you get sent to jail." "He can't do this! Can he?" Tinya asked Imra. She was reading down the agreements, and had a look of horrible lamentation in her eyes. "I'm sorry girls. He's right. We can't do anything."
"Bull! Cham's dad is loaded! We can buy this out!" The Trips offered. Tinya and Vi nodded excitedly at this, until Imra shook her head. "Uh, girls." She pointed to the top of the agreement, and their jaws dropped. "He got to R.J.." "And I got you. I got you all so good." They didn't say a word, they just left, and some were about to started crying. "I hope he gets his fingers ripped off by angry bikers." Vi wished. "Girls please. You're being too easy on him." Imra said. Tenzil just put his arms back and lied on the bed looking up at the ceiling.
"Ah I love life."
…
With that, the show was over. Some thought it was funny, but for others, not only had it hit the wall, it boucned off and ruined the new white couch and the Picasso hanging next to the bookcase. Vi was the first to attempt to even try at just communication.
"Brainy…" Vi tried to apologize. He couldn't look at her.
"Don't. Just, just don't Vi."
"It was just a little mistletoe. What's the harm?" The Trips had their own problems with Bouncing Boy. They thought he'd take it as a joke, but he wasn't laughing.
"Mistletoe is fine! But this!" He flew off. The three tried to hold one another for comfort as they started to cry. "Oh Bouncy…"
Timber Wolf and Phantom Girl were having a scowling match, and he went first.
"Nice Princess. Really classy." She had her hands on her hips. "How dare you! I don't have to-!" A vid-phone screen popped up behind her, with her mother's angry face.
"TINYA WAZZO! What have you d-!" "SHUT IT MOM! And you-! Ugh! There's no point!" She flew off. "You bet there isn't!" he called after, and left to do some anger baking. Lightning Lad, surprisingly, was trying the diplomatic thing and wanted to Imra to tell him what was going on.
"Imra just talk to me!"
"I-I can't! I just-." She choked on her words.
"Fine. You won't talk, I'm not sticking around to hear it when you do."
"Garth!" She ran after him.
"I hope you're proud of yourself Kem." Wildfire said to the still grinning Tenzil. "A little." Tenzil replied. "You don't care that you've practically ruined four relationships, do you?" Dawnstar asked him. "Ratings, babe. Hey! You wanna be in the sequel?" he asked.
"PIG! Hyah!" He received blasts from Drake and a kick to the groin from Dawny, which sent him flying across the room.
"I wasn't looking to get my tree decked."
In the other room, the girls were all in tears, and they couldn't turn to the ones they loved.
"What do we do?" Tinya said as she tried to dry her eyes.
"I don't-" Imra started. Then, the doors hissed open.
"Don't worry girls."
They turned to the person in the doorway. That person had a very dark smile on.
"Vengeance will be long and it will be painful."
…
That night, Lightning Lad was snoring off the day's troubles, fast asleep, when the doors hissed open.
"Psst!" she poked his arm.
"Eh…" he said, and went back to sleep.
"Psst!" she tried again. He didn't reply. "PSST!" Still nothing. She rubbed her temples. Then, she noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt, showing off his well-toned abs and chest, and the covers weren't covering him completely. She smirked. And, with that, she decided now would be the perfect opportunity, and pulled out a 31st Century equivalent of a camera. CLICK! CLICK! CLICK. The flash didn't wake him.
"Some stocking stuffers for Imra. And Nura. And Lyle. Psst!" She tried again. He snored even louder.
"Oh an elephant wouldn't sleep through this. Garth! Wake up!"
He cracked his eyes open a little bit, and the movement indicated he was looking at her.
"Not now Ivy, Harley wants some attention."
She sighed, and decided to go for a more sneaky approach. She leaned close and whispered into his ears...
"Garth, it's Imra, Cos'll be back any minute."
He shot right up out of bed. "I'm up! I'm up! I…"
He turned the lights on, and saw who it was. Tenant Ebony Dent, the seventenn-year old with long black hair and blue eyes. "Nice." He groaned.
"Come on." She grabbed his arm and started dragging him out of the room. "What? It's the middle of the night." "Just come on." She said and pulled him out into the hall. "And be quiet." "Can I at least put a shirt on? It's freezing!" He said as he tried rubbing his arms for warmth. "I need you awake and alert for this farmboy. Now let's go."
In the conference room, Brainy, Chuck, and Brin all waited, all half-sleep. Brainy was wearing a magenta sleeping robe over purple sweatpants and a white T-shirt. Chuck had on blue sweatpants and an oversized blue shirt with a white stripe going around the end. And Brin had on orange sweatpants and a white tanktop.
"I don't have time for this…" Brainy moaned as he rubbed the sand of sleep from his eyes.
Chuck looked down and saw that Brin was wearing fuzzy grey wolf slippers on his feet. "Aren't those a bit redundant?" he joked. Brin narrowed his eyes at Chuck.
"Yeah? Well horizontal strips sure ain't your friend, fat boy." he rasped at him.
"Hey!"
"Sorry, I'm just cranky."
Then, Ebony and Garth came in. She put the boys in a circle so they could all face her.
"You want to know what happened?" Ebony asked. "At least someone's gonna tell us." Brin said. "We were tricked." She told them. "What?" Chuck asked. At that, she took out the confidentiality agreements that Tenzil had made the girls sign, and handed the ones belong to the boys' girlfriends. She explained to them the truth as they held the vid-screens to their face.
"Kem, the jerk, tricked us all into signing confidentiality agreements about this. We weren't allowed to any of you about them, and we couldn't sue or hurt him or we get arrested."
They each lowered the screens, slowly. They weren't scowling, their lips were neutral. But their eyes, their eyes contained ravenous, insane anger that needed an outlet before everyone and everything in its path was wiped out.
"That-" Brin started.
"Son of-" Chuck continued.
"A Sprocking-" Garth added.
"BITCH!" Brainy finished. He cracked the one he had in his hands.
"So he told everyone that we all agreed to it ahead of time." She finished.
"Wait, how can you be telling us this?" Brin asked.
"Because I didn't sign it. Elsbeth Diante did." Ebony smirked as she handed them her agreement, but her name wasn't at the bottom. Elsbeth Diante was.
"Why didn't you sign your name?" Brin asked.
"I never give out my name."
"So you let him go unpunished? That's big for you." Brainy was surprised. But Garth knew better. He saw her smirk, and he smirked.
"What did you do?"
She reached from behind her back and pulled out the snapshot Kem had taken of her, only this time, she landed a punch right through his jaw.
"Let's just say Santa better be getting him some new front teeth this year."
"Nice." Garth said. They high-fivedone another. Then she told them "But that's not enough. He really did a mean thing to the rest of them, except Candi, who hasn't shut up about it since." The others contemplated what they told their respective loved ones earlier.
"God, what I said to Imra."
"I actually snapped at Trip. Me!"
"I hope we make him burn."
"What do we do?"
"I'm not taking any credit for this, but I think you should decide how to repay Tenzil for his 'Christmas charity'. Just don't kill him, 'kay Shaggy?" She told Garth. He gavea lopsided grin. "I can't promise that for the rest of them." "Whatever. Just be creative." And with that she was gone. The four sat around the room, thinking about what to do.
"It has to be original, and it has to be something he won't forget for a long, LONG, time." Brainy said.
"Like…?" Chuck asked.
"Guys, I got one." Brin said. They all leaned in as he whispered his idea.
"Oh that is sick." Chuck giggled.
"That's horrible." Garth laughed.
"That's great." Brainy flashed a thumbs-up.
"So should we…?" Brin asked. They looked at one another in contemplation, until they all agreed...
"Bitch going down!"
…
The screen turned on to the four sitting in the conference room. They each had a smile on.
"Hey dudes! I'm Garth, and this is Chuck, Brainy, Brin, and you're watching a very special edition of Mistletoe Mugshots."
"Girls, we're sorry we got mad at you. And we found out the whole story from a reliable source." Brainy apologized.
"Very reliable." Chuck said.
"So, to make it up to you…" Garth started.
"We decided to give you an early gift." Brin said.
"It's the gift that keeps on giving." Chuck finished.
"VENGEANCE!" They said together.
"We decided that if Tenzil Kem was so willing to spread Christmas cheer through the magic of mistletoe, he wouldn't mind doing it again in the one place that needs it most." Garth revealed.
"A men's maximum security prison!" Chuck exclaimed.
"I don't know what's more classic. The fact that even though Tenzil was already facing getting his face torn off by moi…" Brin said.
"And flash-fried by your truly…" Garth stated.
"He'd be looking forward to getting shanked with a candy cane by one of the more surly inmates." Chuck revealed.
"Let's go to the tape." Brainy said, and they popped it in.
"Oh God oh God oh God I'm-"
"Pucker up, princess."
Tenzil was strapped to a chair tied up in red and green wrapping paper. Garth and Brin stood on both his sides, as Brainy recorded it and Chuck kept the line moving. Above him was a big piece of mistletoe. He was looking green, and the others were watching in wonderful satisfaction.
"I think I'm gonna-"
He was cut off by a big, burly Braalian with lip piercings, tattoos on his face, and only three teeth in his mouth.
"Hey cutie, how'd you like to stuff my stocking?"
The man frenched him for twenty seconds.
"Please, I haven't done anything to-"
Next up was a Rimborian who had his black hair in cornrows and spoke in a high, girly fashion.
"Aren't you just a tasty little gingerbread man?"
MWAH!
Then, a fat Puerto Rican man.
"Buenos." he said as he laughed perversely. This sent shivers even in the other prisoners and the four.
"Ooh, just look at them go!" Chuck exclaimed.
"BLECH!" Tenzil did. The four cheered on.
"Now let's go to the snapshots!" Garth said. They started pulling up snapshots of Tenzil with the guys he was forced to lock lips with.
"Oh!"
"Ha!"
"Merry Christmas Tenzil!" Brainy said.
"Oh my God one of them was wearing lipstick!" Chuck noticed.
"Is that-? Someone wrote their cell number on his face!" Brin pointed out.
"Where'd that roach come from?" Garth couldn't hold his sides looking at the cockroach that was crawling over a barely conscious Tenzil, who had puke smeared over his lips and a Santa hat.
"Now let's hear what the lucky dogs had to say about Mr. Reliable." Brainy said. They went to videotapes of interviews with the prisoners.
"He made me feel special in ways I didn't understand."
"He was SUCH a better kisser than my boyfriend. I hope you can hear this Craig!"
"I can!" The man's boyfriend said from off screen.
"He smelled like my mother. Heh heh heeee!"
"And here he is, Mr. Reliable himself!"
Brin and Chuck wheeled Tenzil in, who was completely unresponsive. A neon arrow on the screen was blinking, pointed at Tenzil, with words written next to him.
"Wishes he were dead right now."
"So, that's it. Now, we've gotta see if our girlfriends will talk to us again." Chuck said.
"So keep it real, and have a Merry Christmas!" They all said together. And Tenzil started crying.
…
At Takron-Galtos, two roommates are watching the new edition in the lounge.
"You see? I told you I could influence him all the way from here." The red-haired Eve Aries said.
"I didn't think delayed-action hypnotism would work. That'll teach the jerk to send us fruitcake." Taryn Loy smiled with glee.
"Merry Christmas Miss Loy."
"Merry Christmas Miss Aries."
One of the guards came in.
"Ladies, you got a package!"
"Huh?" Taryn asked. "I wonder what it is?"
BOOM!
The two were covered in smoke as their room got destroyed. A piece of paper floated down to the floor. It read...
WE DON'T LIKE BEING USED!
The deliveryman got back on his ship, and took off his hat.
"Merry Christmas indeed." Tenzil said.
...
"What? You didn't think I'd let the bad guys win, didya?" Booster asked.
"If I may say sir, you're storytelling abilities are flawless." Skeets complimented.
"Why thanks, Skeets."
A red light started flashing.
"Uh oh." Booster started. "Sorry kids, but it looks like someone's trying to stop the big guy from being born. I gotta go."
He hopped into the Time Bubble and started off.
"Have a happy Christmas! While you can still remember it!"
FLASH!
And they were gone.
Next Track:
05. Jack Frost's Revenge
