Chapter 5: Ignorance is bliss
EPOV
I had spent nearly and hour pacing outside my room, wondering whether or not I would be able to control myself if I entered her presence. I knocked on her door without quite knowing what I was doing and opened the door.
There she was, my angel, sleeping peacefully on the golden bed. Her breathing was steady and before I could tell myself to stop I was knelt by her side. Her scent stunned me like it always did and I desperately wanted to be closer but I knew that that was not what she wished of me.
I gazed at her in awe and thought to myself how had I ever coped without her. How had my existence carried on after she took my heart and soul away, never to be seen again. Just to be around her was exhilarating. She was my addiction and I was stupid enough to think that I could quit cold turkey.
So what was I to do now that she had re-entered my life? Was I to sit on the sidelines forever and watch her be happy, after all, her happiness should have been my happiness. But no, I knew I would never be happy without her by my side, loving me the way I loved her.
I hated that word, love. As if everything I felt for my Bella could be summed up in a four letter word. It was more than love; she was a part of me and would be forever.
I don't know how long I sat there simply lost in her presence but I knew it had been more than an hour. It was time for me to take my leave and part with my beloved. It hurt just to think it but still I stood up and turned for the door.
Before I knew what I was doing I had turned back around to face her and was pressing my lips against her warm, smooth forehead. I regretted it as soon as I had done it. Her body jolted and she gasped. I had woken her.
I headed once more to the door, praying that she had not opened her eyes. But I knew she already had.
"What was that?" Her voice floated to the doorway where I froze. I turned around and saw her face. Her expression was confused yet pained and her voice had an accusing tone. "Edward, I haven't seen you in over three months…and at school you told me that you would still like to be friends but today you have been acting like we have never met before, and then after all that you kiss me on the forehead, talk about mixed signals." Her voice was cracking and it killed me to see her in pain like this.
"I'm sorry, it won't happen again I just…lost myself, I promise to behave better in future." It was the best that I could think of without causing her more pain. At that point she climbed out the bed and came to stand just mere inches away from me.
"That's the problem." We stood in silence for a moment as I tried to work out what she meant. Finally she spoke "Edward, I think it's best if we're not friends, I don't see how we can be if you are feeling this way. From now on, we will just be two people who go to the same school. I realise that I may have to do the same thing with Alice as it would not be fair to you. I need to move on with my life and so do you."
I didn't like what she was saying. Surely seeing her every day, being able to talk to her and still wishing she was mine was a lot better than seeing her every day, not being able to talk to her yet still wishing that she was mine. That's when I argued.
"I can't do that Bella," I said quietly but loud enough for her to hear "seeing you yet not being able to talk to you would kill me. I would always be watching, not stalking, not following, but watching." I could see tears fighting with the rims of her eyes but I was not willing to let her go so easily. "I know you don't think of me that way but are you honestly telling me that the thought of being away from me doesn't tear your heart out."
"Don't. Just don't." she paused as if anticipating what she was going to say next "Of course a part of me will always be with you, Edward I loved you with everything I had and it's not like that feeling will ever truly go away. But that doesn't mean that I can't put it in a place where I don't have to face it every day." Her eyes had given up now and the tears were falling silently down her face.
My heart leapt when she spoke those words. She still loved me, she said it herself, but I still couldn't understand what she was trying to get through.
"I guess what I'm saying is that I love you Edward, I always will but…I don't want to anymore." Her voice was breaking as she used the back of her hand to push the tears away.
At that I grabbed her arm and pulled her towards me and I whispered "Liar." Then I kissed her.
I am so sorry that I haven't updated in ages
My laptop broke
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I got another one for my birthday
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