...she's different.

She isn't the same woman who he followed around like a lost puppy all those years ago. She's more quiet, more withdrawn. And he doesn't know what's going on in her head anymore. Surprisingly, he still wants to know.

He's afraid of what she's become. He's not blind, he can see she's grown.

And she doesn't love Jack anymore.

That terrifies him.

He thought that he was happy with Juliet... No, he is happy with Juliet.

...but Kate...

And this new Kate...

He's been good about staying away from her, he hopes that he can forever. Getting to know the new Kate could be dangerous. He's not a fool. He knows now, not to play with fire. He has a good thing and he loves Juliet.

He's finding however, that doesn't mean he doesn't love Kate as well.

He tells himself it's foolish, that he doesn't love someone he doesn't know.

But he knows those are just lies. He does know her. She has become that woman. The one he always knew she could be. The one who he'd fantasized about so many times all those years ago. It feels like forever, but he still remembers what it felt like to be in her good graces.

And for the first time, he's starting to understand how she could love two men. He doesn't like it. Doesn't want to understand it. He won't let himself think it through any further.

He's always been so good at lying to himself, and it has been such a necessity over the past three years. But he's tired of it.

He didn't think she'd ever come back. He didn't want her to come back. Not because he's afraid of what that means to him and Juliet, but because he didn't want her to have to suffer. He didn't want Juliet to doubt. He didn't want her freckled face to remind him that once upon a time he was head over heels for her.

But the more he gets to know her, the more he realizes something else...

She doesn't need a man to define her anymore.

He's so unbelievably proud of her.

When she confronted him in the jungle there hadn't been time to think about it. But later on he realized just what she was saying to him, even if it was unintentional. He could see it on her face.

She still loved him. But in a way that was different than anything he'd seen from her before.

She didn't come back for him.

It shouldn't still hurt him, but he couldn't help but feel his heart clench a bit. He doesn't know why she came back, but for once, it has nothing to do with her once fickle feelings.

He's glad he has Juliet. He doesn't want to ever doubt that. What he has with her is amazing, and surprising, and... safe.

That, he can not lie to himself about. It isn't a secret that what he has with Juliet never has quite the same feel to it. The texture not as rough and ragged, it is smooth and polished by two years of familiarity and conscious decisions to put the other first. But it's also never been as exciting, or as passionate. Still there is no reason to discount that. Passion and excitement die and leave nothing but the burnt out remains.

He remembers the burnt out remains.

But he can't help but react to her. He's never been able to help it. He's always been drawn to her, he is just grateful that now he knows restraint. That he is not as reckless and self destructive as he once was.

But he's still afraid to test his limits.

And now she has so much more to draw him to her. He wants to ask all kinds of questions about his daughter. He wants to ask about Cass. He wants to know about her. About Aaron. He wants to know what happened to make her stop chasing the man who was never worthy of her affections.

He wants to know if she stayed awake at night too. He wants to know he wasn't alone.

But he's not alone. He has Juliet.

He hates that he feels guilty even thinking about what he wants to know.

He tells himself that whatever happened, happened. That there is nothing any of them can do to stop it or change it. He tells himself that there is no reason to seek answers for his questions. Only reasons not to.

It would have been so much better if they had never come back. He's not ready to face them. If he'd had another year, perhaps then...

But he's knows that's not true. He knows that it wouldn't matter when she came back. It would always be a constant struggle. There are some people you can't burn out of your heart. Some people who you never forget.

He let her go because he had to. He never expected her to come back. Especially so changed.

He worries he hasn't changed enough. He worries it's all going to fall apart.

He worries he misses her more now that she's here.

He worries she'll bring out the worst in him or much worse the best.

He knows he has good reason to worry. He wishes he didn't know himself half as well as he does. Hopes he was wrong. That a tiger can change its stripes. That they don't always have to be so toxic to each other.

He catches himself staring when he knows he shouldn't. Lingers a little to long.

It's ok though, he doesn't mean anything by it. They are friends, they can only be friends.

But that doesn't stop that part of him that wants to brush her hair from her face. It doesn't stop the itch in his fingers to take inventory of each freckle. Or the ache in his arms to pull her close once more and let those three words slip out.

"I missed you."

"Glad you're back."

"I didn't forget."

" I love..."

He didn't. He loved an ideal. A fictional character he created. And even if he had loved her, it wouldn't matter. He wouldn't hurt the one person in his life who actually mattered.

So he continues to hope he's changed enough.

And above it all he's glad she finally jumped from her own helicopter.

Even if it means it makes his life that much harder.