Disclaimer: I don't own twilight or any of its marvelous characters, the batman-spork phrase, or the Jaws theme song. Kudos to Mrs. Meyer.
After pulling up Microsoft Word I typed as quickly as I could with out making mistakes. At long last I had found my calling!...
EmPOV
I was sitting on the floor of the kitchen folding the letters I had so neatly typed up into origami. I had finished like, three.
"Emmett, what are you doing with Esme's address book?" Rosalie's prying voice sounded from the hallway.
"Nothing," I chimed inconspicuously as I hurried to shove the handful of envelopes under the stove. She walked in then and scrutinized my face. I smiled at her brightly which seemed to upset her. Her careful eyes swept the room, looking for something out of place. When she found nothing, she walked across the room and leaned against the refrigerator, trying to subtle.
"Emmett, what are you hiding from me?" her voice was dangerously soft and I knew I was in trouble. "If you are trying to get I touch with those messed up fangirls again Emmett, I promise you I will see to it that you die a slow and painful death." She smiled then and I smiled back.
"Don't worry I'm not." I said, trying to reassure her without giving away my fabulous plan. She waited, hoping I'd say more, and when I didn't she huffily stalked to the door.
"If you can't even trust me, your wife," her voice broke on the word wife. "Then I'll just get Edward to tell me your thoughts." A smirk played across her face as she marched off to find Edward. I almost felt sorry for her….almost.
I could faintly hear her threatening Edward from the other room. As I yanked out the letters from under the stove, Bella burst through the door and glared at me.
"Emmett, why is Rosalie screaming at Edward?" I shrugged non-committally and she started growling.
"Why is Rosalie yelling at Edward?" she said again, anger starting to seep into her voice. I shrugged as she stormed out the door. Why was she so worried? The worst that could happen was that Rose would force Edward to read my thoughts and I would have to go into hiding.
With sudden inspiration, I leapt from the floor, supplies in hand, and raced to Jasper's room where he was chatting on Facebook. He looked up as I crashed through the doorway and went back to his website.
"Can I have a hug, brother?" I cried happily as I sat down hard on his bed, knocking his laptop to the floor. He glared at me and slapped me in the back of the head.
"What do you want?" he asked frostily as he picked up his precious computer and began stroking the top of it, murmuring things like "are you alright my precious?" I started laughing and he elbowed me hard in the ribs. I took a deep breath and began my mystifying speech that had taken me all of ten seconds to come up with:
"Oh brother, you are so kind to me. I am humbled in your presence and I beg an audience with you and your lovely laptop." He growled at me, but I continued undeterred. "Brother, you have seen me through thick and thin, and now I beg rights to ask a favor as your humbled servant. I know that I equal little in the eyes of you and your precious laptop friend, but I plead to you in a time of need."
"Emmett, stop with the drama and tell me what you want." He barked out in a cruel manner. I sighed depressedly and fell to my knees on the floor in front of him. Before I could say anything, he started screaming.
"ALICE! ALICE, HELP! Emmett's acting really weird!" he screeched horrified. I realized then that I was kneeling before him and I hurried to stand up.
"No I'm not! Now stop screaming!" I hissed placing my hand over Jasper's mouth. Alice danced into the room then and raised her eyebrows.
"It's not what you think! I was asking a favor!" I yelled hastily. Her sharp eyes stared at me incredulously as I waited for her to go away. A smile lit up her face and then a felt Jasper's tongue on my hand. It was disgusting to say the least. I jumped back, releasing my hold on is face.
"Uhhhh!" I screeched. "Jasper licked me!"
"You shouldn't have had your hand over my mouth," Jasper answered defensively. Alice sighed exasperated.
"Jasper, please don't lick Emmett." She shook her head as she muffled another giggle.
After Alice left the room I turned on Jasper. He was cowering beside the bed, murmuring unintelligible things to his computer.
"What did you do that for?" I asked. "I just wanted to ask a favor! Gosh! You are so weird." Then I started to creep towards him slowly, humming the Jaws theme song. He dove under the bed as he flung his computer at me.
"Take Judy instead!" He yelped as I dodged the flying laptop. I started laughing as I dodged the piece of junk.
"Hey Alice!" I called down the stairs. "Jasper wants to talk to you about Judy!" And with that I went off to find Esme.
I scurried down the hall to her bedroom where I found her working on this weird cross-stitch-thing-a-ma-jig. She looked and set her cross-stitch-thing on her lap as I walked in. I smiled as I folded myself on the floor beside her.
"I need help. I'm a man on the run, an outlaw." She nodded.
"And what is it you're running from?" her sweet, motherly voice questioned. I took a deep breath and decided to tell her the whole story.
"Rosalie thinks I'm trying to reach out to my support group when in fact I'm mailing my friends letters because Jasper called me stupid. So Carlisle's angry 'cause I called his computer outdated, Bella's angry 'cause Rose is on Edward's case, and Alice is angry 'cause she claims I was "harassing" Jasper. Which means that if they form an angry mob, then I'm in trouble." I concluded my sob story by stand and walking to the door. She looked at me for a moment and smiled.
"Well my dear, perhaps you should go outside for a while. Maybe get some fresh air." I nodded and left her to her cross-stitch-thingy.
I headed to the kitchen to find a spork. Yes a spork, because when in doubt a piece of cheap plastic will always make things better. I rummaged through the cabinets and drawers until I found a spork buried beneath the place-mats. I bent the middle of the three tines and did my best batman pose, holding my spork up to the light.
"My spork thinks he's batman!" I declared to no one in particular, and then I was gone. I swooped out the back door and hopped over the fence that surrounded Esme's cemetery….er, garden. I thundered through the trees happily, my hair whipping about my head heroically. As I neared the road that led to our driveway I spotted Newton's car barreling through the undergrowth. He slammed on the brakes when he saw me and rolled down the automatic car window.
"Emmett? Is that you?" He peered at me dubiously (Oh yes! I, Emmett the great, can use such words as dubiously and make them sound kool!) for a few seconds before I answered.
"My spork thinks he's batman!" I screamed as I ran off offended. He should have known better than to speak to me in such a manner! After all, he was just a wimpy human and I had a spork as a best friend. In fact he was probably jealous of my fork. He probably was going to join the angry mob now, in hopes of taking away my one true comrade.
I would have to be careful from now on, eating what little I could find in the dark of the night, with out so much as a flashlight for fear to guide me of being found. I could imagine the wanted-posters now. They would say things like Emmett: wanted dead or alive! Call Rose, Bella, Jasper & Judy, or Edward if found.
I shuddered at the thought. What had the world come to? I scanned the horizon hoping to see a hollow log in which I could shelter the night, when all of sudden I heard Esme calling my name.
"Emmett! It's getting dark! Come inside!" with that I took off towards home, swooping in through the window with my trusty spork. As I entered the hallway, glass breaking around me in little shards, I did my batman pose again and said the magic words.
"My spork thinks he's batman!" They just stared. And then Edward started laughing, no big surprise.
Oh no! I thought. I forgot to mail the letters while I was playing batman! And then Rosalie was there, her hands on her hips, glaring. Uh oh.
"Did Edward tell you what I was thinking?" I asked innocently. She just kept glaring; her unwavering gaze was unnerving. I couldn't stand it any longer.
"Alright! I give! I was mailing out invitations to a college prep class I'm teaching!" She seemed kind of surprised, but kept her expression in check. Then Jasper started giggling. We looked into his room and he was lying on the ground rolling around. If he could have, he probably would have been crying too. Rosalie just shook her head and sauntered off to find Alice while I skipped down the stairs to set the letters on the kitchen table so they could be mailed tomorrow.
Yay! I posted another chapter! I hope you guys liked it. I'm open to suggestions and recommendations if ya'll have any.
Also, can I get 3 reviews? Just 3?
Push the pretty purple-gray button and I'll be your friend!
;)
