It's been years. Four, to be exact. But I still wondered sometimes, when I saw an interesting show on TV, or I was driving in my car somewhere and I saw something interesting - a slow driver (I imagined his irritated reaction) a rainbow in the sky (I imagined the sunlight dancing off his skin) - I would wonder what he would do. What he would think. And I would feel the ache inside my chest because I would never know those answers.
It had gotten better over the past four years. The hole in my chest wasn't as big as it used to be, it didn't take up every part of me the way that it used to. But I still didn't feel anywhere near whole, it was more like apart of me had just gone numb and I'd grown used to it as time went by.
I had let go of the hallucinations after my cliff-diving incident and Jacob nearly killing me he'd been so angry with me. I'd done it for him and for my father because they both deserved better than half a person walking around. Jacob deserved someone who could appreciate him. Who could be there for him the way that he deserved. I knew that I could never love him the way that I was suppose to. I was far too broken for that but I did my best everyday.
But there was never a day that I wondered what he would think more than the day that Jacob proposed to me. I hadn't really expected even though I know that I should have. We'd been dating for three years and most of our friends and families were hinting constantly that this should be the next step for us. I knew it and he knew it. But the finality that came when he put that ring on my finger was startling. It meant that it didn't matter if Edward ever decided to show his face to me again, I was taken.
But that night as I sat on my bed, fingering the diamonds on the silver band, he was there with me again, if only in my mind.
"Hello." He said to me, his hands in his pockets and his eyes were a beautiful liquid amber. "Looks like you're doing quite well this days." And his eyes fell on my ring.
I wasn't embarrassed or shy as I imagined I would be and I didn't out loud to him for fear that my voice would ruin this beautiful hallucination. Some days, I said in my mind back to him.
His smile faded then and he took one long, slender, pale hand from his pocket and rain it through that crazy hair of his. "I was right when I thought that it would kill me to see you with someone else."
Don't be silly, I said to him. You're the one that left me. You're the one who didn't love me anymore. It doesn't matter to you if I'm alone or with someone. We both know that.
"You're wrong, you know." He said softly and in my mind he was kneeling before me, so close but not touching. "It matters very much to be who you're with because it doesn't matter who they are, they will never be good enough for you."
They will always be second to you. In my mind my voice just sounded sad as I said this to him.
His hand reached out to touch me but pulled away at the last second. "Be happy, Bella."
And I couldn't say anything to him then, not even to a hallucination, not even in my mind, when he said that to me. Because I was trying every day. I got up in the morning, I managed to brush my teeth, get dressed, make small talk. I was almost finished with college and it looked like I would be getting married, too.
So life had gone on without Edward Cullen. Even when time stopped for me and I was sitting there, wondering what he would say…
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