Bella: You chose, Edmund?
Charlie: Yah. He was yummy.
*Ding dongy!*
Edward: I'll get it!
Billy: No! I feel a love triangle coming on....
Charlie: Stay put!
Edward: *Stays un-puty.*
Charlie: Billy!
Billy: My tush is at your service! *sits on Edward's head*
Edward: Um. ow.
Charlie: *Answers door*
Edmlice: Ugh. Hello?
Charlie: You look different....shorter....spikier hair....
Billy: ...vagina...
Everyone: ?
Billy: I can tell these things.
Narrator: Lets pretend not to have heard that.
Edmlice: Bella!
Bella: Alice.
Charlie: Alice?
Billy: (silly people) Edmund.
Edward: EDWARD!
Narrator: Just go on the freakin date.
(who are we kidding?) Alice-wearing-a-moustache: Can Bella please put on a blonde wig and look like she is in pain constantly? Please? It would make me more comfortable....
Edward: You have a thing for Rosalie?! How come you never said?
Moustache-alice: Jasper! Idiot! Geeeez. You are such a freak sometimes.
Edward: Yeah. In case you haven't noticed I'm not the one wearing a GIANT BLACK MOUSTACHE!
Alice with catapillar on lower lip: At least I'm not in love with someone who is to me what a cheeseburger is to the producer!
Producer: Mmmmmm.....Cheeseburger....with a side of fries...
Edward: Well at least I'm not to Jasper what tinkerbell is to Peter Pan....In size.
Alice: At least I'm not....
Everyone else: *have gone temporarily deaf* Twiddle twiddle, thumbsy, thumbsy.
Narrator: Nice weather we've been having.
Bella: Its been raining for the last 16 weeks. I've been counting.
Billy: I like rain. Almost as much as I like sticking my head out the window when I'm in the car and sticking my tongue out. Let me demonstrate....
Tinkerbell with a moustache: Bella, how about we.....HEY! Wtf is with my name?
Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: I have the keyboard, I make the rules. Deal with it.
Edward: Shot. *high fives Myboyfriendedwardsparkles*
Alice: *pouts* Lets go Bella.
Edward: *starts singing* Goodbye my lover....
Bella: Au Revoir!
Edward: Alice, can I ask you a favour?
Alice: No.
Edward: *puppy dog pouts*
Alice: Fine.
Edward: Ummm, well, you see, I just got Bella drycleaned, would you mind refraining from getting any pixie dust one her?
Alice: OH BILLY! Edward is feeling a little bit sad. He needs a hug.
Billy: Mmmmm, Edward hug....
Edward: He hugs me anyway.
Alice.....He also has a puppy treat hidden somewhere on his body. Its your job to find it. Make sure you check everywhere. *winks*
Edward: Noooooo!
Narrator: Now that Billy's found his....erm....treat...
Billy: *chewing on unidentified object* Nom nom nom nom.
Edward: I feel pain. True, real pain.
Billy: Meaty....
Narrator: Its time to snoop on Bella's date with....Edmalice?
Charlie: Edmund. Hey, Billy, gimme some of that....thanks.....mmm, you're right. It is meaty....and cold.
Edward: Well. This will make conceiving Renesmee rather hard....Bella will not be pleased.
Narrator: Who's Renesmee?
Fan girls: *bright eyes* She is half human, half immortal. Brown eyes and.....
Edward: *talking over fangirls* NOBODY! NOBODY AT ALL!
Renesmee: Wow. Thanks a bunch, Dad. First you miss my Ballet recital, now this! You are SO getting a crappy homemade card this fathers day...
Narrator: Whatev. Date snooping time!
*date snooping theme song*
Charlie: Wow thats new!
Narrator: The fangirls funded us.
*magical pixie turns on the tv*
Billy: Hey! When did Alice arrive?
*On screen*
Alice with now lopsided moustache: Bad jeans, bad top. We really need to get you out of those clothes....
*off screen*
Edward: Oooooo! Tinky plays dirty!
Charlie: HA! HAHAHA! On the first date too!
*on*
Bella: Can't we just go play water polo like the other contestants do?
Alice: Sure.
*game of amazing vampire and clumsy human water polo*
*Pixie turns off tv*
Billy: Cheers, Alice.
*'Edmund' and Bella arrive home*
Billy: Nom nom nom nom.
Bella: Hey! What are you eating Billy? Ome. Is that what I think it is?
Edward: Ummmm....No?
Bella: Oh. I could have sworn it was a frozen cocktail sausage...
Edward: Oh no she didn't!
Narrator: And now its time for Bella and Billy to go to her bedroom.....
Billy: Mwahahaha! Since the day she was born....I've been waiting..ever so patiently for this day to come....
Narrator: Followed by Charlie...
Billy: he always cramps my style....
Narrator:...while the three boys sit downstairs staring at each other and muttering "bitch" "slut" under their breath....
*Billy, Charlie and Bella go upstairs*
Edward: So.....
Alice: ….
Mike:
What about that Alice Cullen, huh? Someone should sell her stilts or
something...
Edward: Totes. I agree. *bats eyelashes at Alice* what do you think....Edmund?
Alice: I actually happen to think she is a very....
Narrator: LESS HAPPY CHAT!
Three...boys: Sorry. Slut....bitch...etcetera.
*Billy, Charlie and Bella return*
Mike: Wow. Billy, how did you get downstairs when you're in a wheelchair?
Edward: And how did you sit on my knee?
Billy: Well its funny you should ask that....
Narrator: Shhhh! Bella's about to make her descision... *puts microwave popcorn in microwave*
Bella: OK. Stand up boys. Lets get this over with...
Narrator: Noooo! We have to wait three minutes....
*Three minutes later*
Microwave: Beeeeeeep!
Narrator: Ok. Continue.
Bella: Sigh. Three guys stand before me. But I can only choose one...
*dramatic pause*
Billy: Nom nom nom
*Everyone glares*
Billy: Sorry. Did I ruin the moment...?
