Bella: You chose, Edmund?

Charlie: Yah. He was yummy.

*Ding dongy!*

Edward: I'll get it!

Billy: No! I feel a love triangle coming on....

Charlie: Stay put!

Edward: *Stays un-puty.*

Charlie: Billy!

Billy: My tush is at your service! *sits on Edward's head*

Edward: Um. ow.

Charlie: *Answers door*

Edmlice: Ugh. Hello?

Charlie: You look different....shorter....spikier hair....

Billy: ...vagina...

Everyone: ?

Billy: I can tell these things.

Narrator: Lets pretend not to have heard that.

Edmlice: Bella!

Bella: Alice.

Charlie: Alice?

Billy: (silly people) Edmund.

Edward: EDWARD!

Narrator: Just go on the freakin date.

(who are we kidding?) Alice-wearing-a-moustache: Can Bella please put on a blonde wig and look like she is in pain constantly? Please? It would make me more comfortable....

Edward: You have a thing for Rosalie?! How come you never said?

Moustache-alice: Jasper! Idiot! Geeeez. You are such a freak sometimes.

Edward: Yeah. In case you haven't noticed I'm not the one wearing a GIANT BLACK MOUSTACHE!

Alice with catapillar on lower lip: At least I'm not in love with someone who is to me what a cheeseburger is to the producer!

Producer: Mmmmmm.....Cheeseburger....with a side of fries...

Edward: Well at least I'm not to Jasper what tinkerbell is to Peter Pan....In size.

Alice: At least I'm not....

Everyone else: *have gone temporarily deaf* Twiddle twiddle, thumbsy, thumbsy.

Narrator: Nice weather we've been having.

Bella: Its been raining for the last 16 weeks. I've been counting.

Billy: I like rain. Almost as much as I like sticking my head out the window when I'm in the car and sticking my tongue out. Let me demonstrate....

Tinkerbell with a moustache: Bella, how about we.....HEY! Wtf is with my name?

Myboyfriendedwardsparkles: I have the keyboard, I make the rules. Deal with it.

Edward: Shot. *high fives Myboyfriendedwardsparkles*

Alice: *pouts* Lets go Bella.

Edward: *starts singing* Goodbye my lover....

Bella: Au Revoir!

Edward: Alice, can I ask you a favour?

Alice: No.

Edward: *puppy dog pouts*

Alice: Fine.

Edward: Ummm, well, you see, I just got Bella drycleaned, would you mind refraining from getting any pixie dust one her?

Alice: OH BILLY! Edward is feeling a little bit sad. He needs a hug.

Billy: Mmmmm, Edward hug....

Edward: He hugs me anyway.

Alice.....He also has a puppy treat hidden somewhere on his body. Its your job to find it. Make sure you check everywhere. *winks*

Edward: Noooooo!

Narrator: Now that Billy's found his....erm....treat...

Billy: *chewing on unidentified object* Nom nom nom nom.

Edward: I feel pain. True, real pain.

Billy: Meaty....

Narrator: Its time to snoop on Bella's date with....Edmalice?

Charlie: Edmund. Hey, Billy, gimme some of that....thanks.....mmm, you're right. It is meaty....and cold.

Edward: Well. This will make conceiving Renesmee rather hard....Bella will not be pleased.

Narrator: Who's Renesmee?

Fan girls: *bright eyes* She is half human, half immortal. Brown eyes and.....

Edward: *talking over fangirls* NOBODY! NOBODY AT ALL!

Renesmee: Wow. Thanks a bunch, Dad. First you miss my Ballet recital, now this! You are SO getting a crappy homemade card this fathers day...

Narrator: Whatev. Date snooping time!

*date snooping theme song*

Charlie: Wow thats new!

Narrator: The fangirls funded us.

*magical pixie turns on the tv*

Billy: Hey! When did Alice arrive?

*On screen*

Alice with now lopsided moustache: Bad jeans, bad top. We really need to get you out of those clothes....

*off screen*

Edward: Oooooo! Tinky plays dirty!

Charlie: HA! HAHAHA! On the first date too!

*on*

Bella: Can't we just go play water polo like the other contestants do?

Alice: Sure.

*game of amazing vampire and clumsy human water polo*

*Pixie turns off tv*

Billy: Cheers, Alice.

*'Edmund' and Bella arrive home*

Billy: Nom nom nom nom.

Bella: Hey! What are you eating Billy? Ome. Is that what I think it is?

Edward: Ummmm....No?

Bella: Oh. I could have sworn it was a frozen cocktail sausage...

Edward: Oh no she didn't!

Narrator: And now its time for Bella and Billy to go to her bedroom.....

Billy: Mwahahaha! Since the day she was born....I've been waiting..ever so patiently for this day to come....

Narrator: Followed by Charlie...

Billy: he always cramps my style....

Narrator:...while the three boys sit downstairs staring at each other and muttering "bitch" "slut" under their breath....

*Billy, Charlie and Bella go upstairs*

Edward: So.....

Alice: ….
Mike: What about that Alice Cullen, huh? Someone should sell her stilts or something...

Edward: Totes. I agree. *bats eyelashes at Alice* what do you think....Edmund?

Alice: I actually happen to think she is a very....

Narrator: LESS HAPPY CHAT!

Three...boys: Sorry. Slut....bitch...etcetera.

*Billy, Charlie and Bella return*

Mike: Wow. Billy, how did you get downstairs when you're in a wheelchair?

Edward: And how did you sit on my knee?

Billy: Well its funny you should ask that....

Narrator: Shhhh! Bella's about to make her descision... *puts microwave popcorn in microwave*

Bella: OK. Stand up boys. Lets get this over with...

Narrator: Noooo! We have to wait three minutes....

*Three minutes later*

Microwave: Beeeeeeep!

Narrator: Ok. Continue.

Bella: Sigh. Three guys stand before me. But I can only choose one...

*dramatic pause*

Billy: Nom nom nom

*Everyone glares*

Billy: Sorry. Did I ruin the moment...?