Thanks to everyone for the constructive and supportive reviews. :)
Iceleaf: I know, ShadowClan really doesn't get enough love. And sorry if the mums part didn't make sense... that's just me taking a crack at symbolism. And failing slightly...
PolarIceWolf: actually, this story does have a sequel where Smokepaw lives, Falling Smoke, but it isn't ShadowClan-centric. It's hypothetical, assuming Smokepaw survives his fall off the cliff, and about the world he finds down below. Falling Smoke frequently references Smokepaw's time in ShadowClan as flashbacks, which is the purpose of this fic...but enough about that. This isn't Falling Smoke, this is different, so I'll stop talking about it. :)
Feathercloud13: It's hard for me to stick to one POV... in this chapter, the POVs are labeled, so that might make things clearer. Thanks for the suggestion.
Pink Kitty Cat: thanks! I try to use different words, just so it doesn't get repetitive. Glad it worked.
Flametail von Karma: well... how could I resist the wide eyes? o.o Here's more.
Shellheart: There were parts when, writing last chapter, I thought about elaborating on some things I wrote that seemed rather vague. And then I thought no, I'm aiming for a different sort of fic here, and more things should be left up to your interpretation, or at least for you to figure out. I'm sort of struggling with the line between leaving things for you to decide and making them clear enough to understand...I'm working on it. :) Also, the POVs are labeled in this chapter, so that should help.
Three, of Timidity
Tawnypaw
After Tigerstar's death, the half a moon is a blur to Tawnypaw. Her memory of the battle with BloodClan is a series of pictures, freeze frames, and thrills of emotion, and then more blurs of colors and sounds she can't quite put her paw on. Most vividly, she remembers the horrifying image of Bramblepaw hanging in Bone's jaws, and her impulsive leap at the massive BloodClan deputy blurred by the tears in her eyes.
But Tawnypaw shuts out that memory, because she can't bear to think of Bramblepaw. Of course, trying to shun her brother from her memories and actually achieving the feat are entirely different matters, and Tawnypaw thinks of her distant brother more than she cares to admit.
Besides memories of Bramblepaw and the battle, all that is left for her to remember in the past half moon is interaction with her peers. She had never gotten to know the RiverClan apprentices, so she wasn't exactly upset when they moved back to their own territory; she would have been indifferent, except Smokepaw seemed particularly excited, and she couldn't help but catch on.
Smokepaw. She smiles as she thinks of him, and looks over to where he is sitting a few foxlengths away from her, sprawled out in the mums. She fiddles with the velvety amaryllis flower between her paws, and notes how it is browning at the edges. Leaf bare is coming, and signs of it are showing across the clearing of wildflowers. Tawnypaw frowns; Smokepaw's "secret" spot had become a favorite place of hers - of theirs - and she would miss it during the cold moons.
Tawnypaw lets her thoughts drift to the time she and Smokepaw have spent in the wildflowers. She has changed much in the last half moon, she realizes, and she attributes a part of this to her time with Smokepaw. It is as though when it is just the two of them, talking and playing idly in the beautiful array of flowers, Tawnypaw can truly be herself - not that she is sure what "herself" really is, but sitting in the flowers with Smokepaw makes her feel light and free as a bird on the wind.
She is no longer the frighteningly timid little kit she once was. She is not afraid to raise her voice now, and has developed a twisted sense of humor that is somewhere between ShadowClan sadism and ThunderClan's straightforward joking that is sometimes rather bland. It is more like a gentle sarcasm, Talonpaw had noted fondly, before getting cuffed over the ears.
Speaking of her newfound voice, though, she and Smokepaw had been oddly silent today. That was alright, though; lots of times they just came to their clearing to relax. The silence is mutual and understood, but Tawnypaw now feels the urge to break it.
"Hey, Smokepaw," she mews idly, "A mousetail for your thoughts?"
The gray-furred apprentice rolls over to face her, but pauses before responding, "Nothing, really. What's on your mind?"
"I asked first," Tawnypaw insists, giggling at the way he frowns at her retort. "C'mon, I did. Don't give me that look."
Smokepaw's face scrunches up further. "I'm not giving you a look," he mews indignantly. "And I already responded."
Tawnypaw sighs, and searches for a topic for discussion. Her ears perk as she finds one. "Hey, Smokepaw!" She turns to her friend, who is now unsuccessfully trying to look like he doesn't care, but she knows better. "Have you heard? Cedarpaw and Rowanpaw are going to become warriors really soon!"
Smokepaw's expression darkens. "Lovely," he grumbles, and turns away again.
Tawnypaw rolls her eyes. "C'mon, don't be like that, Smokepaw," she groans. "I know you're not so fond of Rowanpaw, but can't you be happy for them?"
"No."
"Pull the stick out of your ass, mousebrain," Tawnypaw snaps. "Do you always need to be so cynical?"
"Do you always need to be so foul-mouthed?"
"I'm not foul-mouthed, damn it." Tawnypaw maintains her glare a second longer, and then bursts into a fit of laughter at Smokepaw's bemused expression. "I did that on purpose, you know."
"'Damn' isn't even a curse word," Smokepaw mutters.
"Come on, I'm serious, Smokepaw. Lighten up." Tawnypaw gets up and goes to sit next to him. "You don't always need to have a big rain cloud over your head -"
"I don't," he snaps. "Your imaginary rain cloud appeared when you brought up Rowanpaw."
Tawnypaw frowns. She hates the rivalry, or rather one-sided feud, between her two best friends. Alright, maybe the term 'two best friends' isn't accurate - she knows that Smokepaw is her best friend, the cat she can read best and vice versa, and with whom she loves wasting time playing in the flowers. But Rowanpaw? She isn't really sure what Rowanpaw is. She desperately wants to be his friend and earn his attention, which he seems to give her, but ever so sparingly, leaving her wanting more. She doesn't really know what to call it.
But she really hates it when Smokepaw shoots criticisms at him, so she tries to push it away. "Fine, then I won't talk about Rowanpaw," she gives in. "And then your pretty fur won't get all wet."
But though she promises not to talk about him, she can tell that Smokepaw's mind has stayed stuck on his rival apprentice.
xx
Smokepaw
When they get back to camp, Smokepaw has the sudden urge to just get away from Tawnypaw. This normally doesn't happen; normally, there's something about being around the older apprentice that calms him down, soothes his nerves, and makes him feel... something he can't quite put his paw on. But right now, after having his mind stuck Rowanpaw since she mentioned him idly while fiddling in the amaryllis flowers, he feels the need to escape.
He goes looking for Talonpaw, but runs into Cedarpaw first.
The chestnut-furred apprentice smiles kindly at him. "Hey, Smokepaw. We were just looking for a third cat for sunhigh patrol. Want to come?"
Smokepaw hates how Cedarpaw has a way of smiling that seems nice, the way his yellow-green eyes sparkle kindly, but it also looks fake, or at the very least condescending. Cedarpaw is tolerable, but he is Rowanpaw's brother and best friend, which automatically shifts him to Smokepaw's bad side.
So Smokepaw is about to say no, when Russetfur comes up behind Cedarpaw and mews, "You asked Smokepaw, Cedarpaw? Good choice. Are you coming?"
Smokepaw gulps. He would never dare say no to Russetfur, the strict, uptight deputy of the Clan. He nods shortly, and pads off after Cedarpaw and Russetfur, and decides to make the best of it. Getting on Russetfur's good side could mean a faster warrior ceremony... oh, who am I kidding? My warrior ceremony's at least five moons away, he thinks cynically. He looks enviously to Cedarpaw, remembering what Tawnypaw told him earlier.
Russetfur's crisp voice jerks him out of his thoughts. "Smokepaw, Cedarpaw, why don't you two go that way towards the WindClan border." She flicks her tail in that direction. "I'll go towards ThunderClan. We'll meet up at Fourtrees." Cedarpaw and Smokepaw nod. "Go fast," she adds sharply. "I'd better not catch up to you past Fourtrees."
"Understood," mews Cedarpaw, and darts off. Smokepaw has no idea how to respond, so he simply turns and runs after the older apprentice.
As soon as they are out of earshot, Cedarpaw lets out a breath, as though he's been holding it since Russetfur started speaking. "Don't worry about her, she's always like that," he tells Smokepaw.
"What, an uptight arrogant mousebrain?" Smokepaw can't help but remark.
"Yeah. That." Cedarpaw grins. "But she's a great deputy, and my mentor, so who am I to complain?"
They walk in silence for awhile. Unlike the companionable silences with Tawnypaw, though, the silence between Smokepaw and Cedarpaw is rather awkward. Smokepaw doesn't particularly care; he would rather not talk to Cedarpaw, and is content to admire the amaryllis flowers hidden in the brush, dappled with soft sunlight, that allow him to avoid Cedarpaw's gaze. Cedarpaw, however, is not as complacent, and to Smokepaw's disappointment, feels the need to start a conversation.
"So, you spent time with Tawnypaw again this morning?"
"Yeah," Smokepaw replies shortly. Tawnypaw is the last thing he wants to discuss with Rowanpaw's brother, but the older apprentice doesn't pick up on his attempt to avoid the conversation.
"I've always wondered," Cedarpaw meows lightly, "What do you guys talk about?"
Smokepaw frowns. "What do you mean?"
Cedarpaw shrugs innocently. "You know, you two are always going off together. What do you do?"
Smokepaw considers glaring in response, then thinks better of it. "We just talk," he responds curtly.
"About what?"
Again, Smokepaw considers the ruder alternative - shooting a why do you care? at Cedarpaw and leaving him to contemplate it. But instead, he replies conversationally, "Just...things. Like the weather, what prey we've caught, her mentor... sometimes her brother in ThunderClan. But that's really it."
"Oh, that sounds fun."
Smokepaw almost can't stand the phoniness of his response. He obviously doesn't think it sounds fun, and he hates it when cats do that; when they give the response they think is appropriate, but that they clearly don't believe in. He wishes everyone would just speak their minds.
"It is," Smokepaw mutters in response.
They walk along in uncomfortable silence for another moment, and then Cedarpaw breaks it again.
"Hey, Smokepaw."
Smokepaw continues studying the flowers in the brush. "What?"
"Can you keep a secret?"
Now this catches Smokepaw's attention. He looks up at Cedarpaw. "Yeah, of course."
Smokepaw knows that he gave the honest answer, so it doesn't trouble his conscience to give Cedarpaw such a positive affirmative. It was the older apprentice's own fault for being stupid. Had the question been, "Will you keep a secret?" the answer would have been a lot different. But Smokepaw knows that he was perfectly capable of keeping his mouth shut, should he choose it, and bases his reply on that logic.
"Well... it's about Rowanpaw."
Smokepaw tries to hide his eagerness. He would love a juicy piece of information with which to blackmail Rowanpaw, given away by none other than Cedarpaw, his trusted brother. How amusing.
"Well, see... he's taken an interest in Tawnypaw." Cedarpaw grins awkwardly. "A... deeper interest."
Smokepaw feels as though he's been punched in the stomach, fights back the urge to hurl. He already knew this, subconsciously, but to hear it spoken in words is to acknowledge it, and it hurts him more than he cares to admit.
He doesn't trust himself to speak, so he is grateful when Cedarpaw continues, "I know you and her are good friends... I was wondering if you would talk to her."
Smokepaw can't contain his response. "Tell Rowanpaw to talk to her himself," he blurts angrily. "If he really has "deeper" interest, then he will." That idiotic mousebrain goes unspoken, but hangs poignantly in the air.
Cedarpaw opens his mouth to respond, but then seems to choke on himself. He suddenly spins around in the direction of the ThunderClan border. "I smell something," he hisses.
ThunderClan? Smokepaw turns in the same direction, and opens his jaws to taste the air. A pungent, unfamiliar scent invades his nose, and he wonders how in StarClan's name he didn't smell it before. Had he been that distracted? Just as he begins to speculate on the identity of the unknown odor, Cedarpaw provides the answer.
"Badger," he growls. "And it doesn't smell old..."
Smokepaw curses his inexperience. As a one-moon apprentice, he still hasn't learned intricacies like the scent of badger and its timing, so he is forced to rely completely on Cedarpaw. But he forces himself not to ask any questions, so as not to show weakness. Oakfur would be proud.
"Smokepaw! Look out!" Cedarpaw's shriek tears him out of his thoughts, and Smokepaw barely has time to leap to the side as a large badger lunges at him from out of nowhere. Well, not nowhere, Smokepaw would later reflect; there was a badger set hidden in the brush that any observant warrior would have seen. Unfortunately, the two cats on patrol are mere apprentices, even if one is older and supposedly smarter.
Smokepaw rolls ungracefully into the undergrowth, landing flat on his nose beside Cedarpaw.
"This is bad," Cedarpaw whispers, and Smokepaw notes the urgency in his tone. "Smokepaw, go forward, as fast as you can, and meet up with Russetfur. I'll hold off the badger till she gets here."
"Are you kidding?" Smokepaw protests. "You'll be killed!" Not that he really cares - no, no, I can't think like that. That, and of course, he wants to stay and fight. Already, he feels the adrenaline rushing through his veins.
"Smokepaw, don't be crazy!" Cedarpaw growls. "Two cats can't take on a badger, especially not us two! Go get Russetfur!"
"If us two can't take it on, they you definitely can't alone!" Smokepaw argues.
"I'm not fighting it, I'm just holding it off," Cedarpaw retorts. "Please, Smokepaw, go. You're wasting time -"
He is interrupted as the badger makes a leap at their hiding place. Smokepaw and Cedarpaw dive in opposite directions; the badger lands where they were a mere split second ago and tears the growth to shreds in fury. Picturing himself in that undergrowth, Smokepaw winces.
But now he is separated from Cedarpaw, and no longer has to take his snobbish orders. Now is his chance to prove himself to his Clan - and to Tawnypaw. If he can take down the badger, he'd be able to revel in the glory forever.
What are you, crazy? His subconscious berates him. One cat can't take on a badger, let alone an untrained apprentice!
But Smokepaw is undeterred. He watches, muscles tensed and ready to spring, as Cedarpaw emerges from hiding, his chestnut fur sticking straight up on his neck. With a fierce growl that sends chills down Smokepaw's spine, the badger turns to the older apprentice, and throws a hefty claw straight at his throat.
Cedarpaw dodges nimbly, but only barely. The badger howls in anger and frustration, and makes another swipe. This time, Smokepaw swears Cedarpaw loses a few hairs on his neck as he rolls desperately to the side. But now, with the badger's attention focused solely on Cedarpaw, Smokepaw sees his chance to act.
Smokepaw doesn't pause to consider how rash and reckless he is being, and that his very life is in danger. If he just runs off to fetch Russetfur, no cat would blame him. In fact, he would be praised. If Cedarpaw died, it would be Cedarpaw's fault alone, and Smokepaw would not be to blame. Yet with greater risk comes greater reward; and with that sole thought in mind, he springs at the badger.
He lands on the badger's broad back and fastens his teeth as close as he can get to his throat. His small, undeveloped teeth are miniscule in comparison to the badger's widespread back, but Smokepaw is practically twitching with adrenaline, and by some miracle he establishes a firm hold. He barely registers Cedarpaw picking himself up off the ground as the badger gives a roar, and tries to throw the tiny attacked off his back.
Smokepaw feels himself being jerked back and forth, up and down, so violently he's surprised his neck doesn't snap. He begins to regret his reckless choice, but there is no time for regret now; there's barely time for thought at all. His world is a blur of colors and spinning shapes dancing to and fro until he squeezes his eyes shut, and then he is just clinging to the badger for dear life. He feels the metallic taste of blood in his mouth, and wonders if it's the badger's or his own.
And then, suddenly, he loses his hold. More accurately, the badger hurls him off, and Smokepaw finds himself flying through the air. Pain erupts in his head as he smashes head first into the nearest sycamore tree, and he falls dizzily to the ground. He tries to open his eyes, but damn his head hurts, and the world is blurry and spinning and tilting and ugh - he chooses just to keep them shut.
He expects the badger to come after him. He wonders if this is it, and then finds he doesn't really care. But when the badger doesn't come after ten... twenty seconds, Smokepaw forces his eyes open to see what has become of it.
To his complete and utter surprise, the badger is lying on the ground in similar fashion to himself, with amaryllis-red blood streaming down its shoulders, stemming from a deep gash on its neck. Smokepaw's eyes widen as he registers what happened - that was his doing. He had wounded the badger and forced it to the ground. He, Smokepaw, a lowly ShadowClan apprentice, had taken on a badger and won.
The last thing he sees before his eyes slip shut again is Cedarpaw, crawling up to the fallen badger's side. Out of the corner of his eye he sees another cat approaching - Russetfur. He allows himself a lopsided grin of satisfaction; when Cedarpaw tells Russetfur what he'd done, Smokepaw would have the whole Clan's admiration...and Tawnypaw's.
With that glorious, warming thought in mind, Smokepaw blacks out.
A/N: I'm pretty sure the badger scene is referenced in Falling Smoke. Cookies if you remember what happens next.
