c0l0rblind: You should know that your review made me incredibly happy, and I was grinning like an idiot at the computer screen for two whole minutes after reading it. Really. We just finished Catcher in the Rye in English class, and the whole time I was thinking, Smokepaw is Holden. So I've been writing Smokepaw's character with Holden in mind, particularly in his analysis of Cedarpaw...it amused me to no end when Smokepaw described Cedarpaw as a phony, because I'm one of those English geeks that has fun referencing the books we read in class. There'll definitely be more Holden-Smokepaw references (especially in this chapter), and as you can see by the enormous review reply I've written --looks up at insanely long reply--, it very much excites me that you saw the connection.
Hollyleaf123: It's sort of supposed to be the same as the book - sort of. The storyline is supposed to fit in with the book's time line and events. Except for the first chapter, this takes place in the time-skip between The Darkest Hour and Midnight, in which time Tawnypaw, Rowanpaw and Cedarpaw become warriors. I haven't read Firestar's Quest, but as far as I know, nothing really covers ShadowClan in that time, so this is just an interpretation of what occurred in ShadowClan. You're right, I didn't change much... the only difference between this story and canon is that here, Smokepaw is friends with Tawnypaw (but it never says in the books that they're NOT friends...). Then again, that idea is the most essential to this story...so that's what separates it from the books. Wow, I'm writing a lot today...congrats if you read all that.
feathercloud13: yay, someone remembers what happened in Falling Smoke. Cookies (with chocolate chips and sprinkles) to you. :D
Amazingly awesome person: isn't it? But I'll bet Smokepaw doesn't agree with you. (But then again, does he ever agree with anything?) ;)
Silverstripe: yay, cookies for you too! And extra cookies for kicking Cedarpaw! ... And I've thought of writing everyone's POV on Smokepaw falling off the cliff, but I'm not sure yet. We'll see.
Four, of Ambition
Smokepaw
The first thing Smokepaw is aware of, before he opens his eyes or ears, is a fierce pounding in his head. In his vulnerability, he can't quite fight back the urge to hiss with pain, and sits straight up from where he is lying.
The act of sitting up throws his head into a whole new level of pained dizziness. Just as Smokepaw opens his mouth to cry out, he feels cool moss being pressed to his forehead.
"Shh, take it easy." In his disorientation, he somehow recognizes the voice as Littlecloud's. "You hit your head pretty hard, Smokepaw. Lie back down."
Against his nature, Smokepaw does as the medicine cat commands. When he his lying back down on the ground, he forces his eyes open, and finds himself looking up into Littlecloud's concerned, pale blue eyes.
He tears himself away from the pitying gaze - he cannot stand pity - and looks past the medicine cat to confirm his location. As expected, he is lying in the moss in the back of the medicine den. He must really have smashed his head, he thinks, as he feels dizziness and nausea roll over him in waves.
But how? What had happened, and what had he done? The last thing he remembers is being on patrol with Cedarpaw, and... the badger!
Again Smokepaw shoots straight up into an awkward sitting position. "The badger!" he mews, in a tone laced with confusion and curiosity. "What happened?"
Even as the question escapes his lips, the blurred memory is returning to him. His ambition, fear, recklessness and rash attack, and his success.
Littlecloud gently pushes him back down to the ground with another strip of cool, damp moss. "It's natural for your short-term memory to be lost for a moment," he informs him, unaware of the memories rushing back into the young apprentice's head. "Don't worry, though, Cedarpaw managed to disable the badger, and Russetfur killed it. Other than you, no cat was injured."
Smokepaw tilts his head in confusion. "Cedarpaw wounded the badger?"
"Yes, surprising, isn't it?" Littlecloud laughs softly as he busies himself with organizing herbs. He takes the mum petals and separates them from the amaryllis, placing the latter in a pile with the hollyhock. "After the badger knocked you out, Cedarpaw managed to cut a deep gash on the badger's neck, which disabled it until Russetfur arrived. I didn't know he had it in him." If Littlecloud thinks to turn away from his herbs for just a moment to look at Smokepaw, he would see the astounded look stretching across his patient's features. But in his mess of herbs, he misses Smokepaw's look of confused horror, and continues obliviously, "Lucky for both of you, hmm? If it hadn't been for Cedarpaw's bravery, both of you might be dead."
At this point, Smokepaw can no longer contain himself. "I helped!" he blurts. "I attacked and injured the badger too!"
"I'm sure you did," Littlecloud mews kindly.
Smokepaw feels rage burning inside him at Littlecloud's fake, condescending answer, and at Cedarpaw's betrayal and blatant lie. "It's true!" he protests. "The badger was going to kill Cedarpaw, and would have if I hadn't attacked -"
"Shh, Smokepaw, settle down," Littlecloud mews softly, and finally turns to face his distressed charge. "You need to rest, and I can't have you getting all worked up."
"You don't understand -"
"Please, calm yourself," Littlecloud urges. "It's natural for you to be a little bit disoriented after receiving such a violent concussion. But we heard the whole story from Russetfur; after you were knocked out, Cedarpaw bravely attacked badger, and saved both of your lives."
xxx
Tawnypaw
"Hey, Tawnypaw."
Tawnypaw freezes as she notices Rowanpaw padding up to her. He has such a confident stride, and a proud, strong look in his shining emerald eyes -
"Uhh, Tawnypaw?" Rowanpaw is gazing at her curiously. "Anybody home?"
Tawnypaw blinks, and realizes she had been staring. She laughs nervously to cover it up. "Yeah, I'm here," she mews. "Just... daydreaming."
She relaxes considerably when Rowanpaw laughs kindly at her statement. His rich, deep laugh sooths her, and she settles into his warm presence. "Hey, don't you be laughing at me," she meows playfully.
Rowanpaw smiles. "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you," he clarifies. "Besides, how could I laugh at a daydreamer? I do it all the time."
"Really? I thought I was the only one whose mind just wanders off in the middle of the day." Tawnypaw looks down at her feet. "Blackstar always tells me it's stupid."
"Trust me, it's not," Rowanpaw mews earnestly. "It's called being creative, and it makes you special."
Tawnypaw's eyes glow and widen. "You... think I'm special?"
"Definitely," Rowanpaw meows with a smile. "I love to daydream, so maybe we should do it together some time!" he pauses. "I just wish I could find somewhere peaceful and quiet to do it..."
Tawnypaw's ears perk up instantaneously. "Hey, I know just the place!" She darts excitedly off into the forest. "C'mon!" Rowanpaw follows eagerly, and the two disappear into the undergrowth.
xxx
Smokepaw
Later that day, when Smokepaw feels less dizzy and Littlecloud reluctantly releases him from the medicine den, the first thing he does is head straight for Cedarpaw. His head is spinning, but he tells himself it's with anger and fury, not the ugly red-blue-purple blotch smeared across his forehead.
Cedarpaw is alone, grooming himself by the Highpine at the center of camp. When Smokepaw pads up to him, smoke steaming from his ears and pawsteps burning a black trail behind him, he looks up with false obliviousness. "Hey, Smokepaw," he mews lightly, "What's up?"
Smokepaw narrows his eyes. "You know what's up, you foxbrained piece of crowfood," he snaps.
Cedarpaw tilts his head. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"The badger!" Smokepaw screeches, and digs his unsheathed claws into the earth to keep from tearing Cedarpaw to shreds. "You lied!"
Cedarpaw conjures a phony look of sympathy and plasters it onto his features. "You hit your head pretty hard, Smokepaw, so it's understandable if you're a bit confused," he explains condescendingly. "You got knocked out when you recklessly attacked the badger, but lucky for you, I was there to save you."
"You liar!" Smokepaw yowls, resisting the urge to rip Cedarpaw's eyes out. "I attacked the badger! You couldn't have done anything without me!"
Cedarpaw smiles falsely. "Smokepaw, you're so cute, trying to earn respect and admiration from your mentor," he meows with mocking sweetness. "And Tawnypaw, of course."
"You leave Tawnypaw out of this!" Smokepaw screams, his eyes bright and livid. As he speaks, he practically throws himself in Cedarpaw's face.
"Smokepaw, calm down," Cedarpaw mews with mock concern, and turns away from the hot breath on his cheek. "You hit your head pretty hard; you ought to go rest -"
"You're a liar, a traitor, and a piece of crowfood," Smokepaw spits venomously.
"- and you certainly shouldn't be shouting at me," Cedarpaw continues, ignoring the interjection. "If anything, you should be thanking me... for saving your life."
The pointed insult stings a thousand more than all the others, and it is all Smokepaw can do to keep from tearing the both of them to bloody, mutilated pieces. He squeezes his eyes shut and he can see the amaryllis red blood dripping from Cedarpaw's tainted lips.
"I killed that badger!" Smokepaw yowls, his eyes wet and wild. Fire and ice explode from his mouth as he cries, "And you lied!"
Cedarpaw smiles, undaunted. "Oh yeah?" He stands up, and whispers in Smokepaw's ear, "Prove it." And with that, he walks away, leaving Smokepaw burning to ashes in the dust.
xxx
Tawnypaw
"Here we are!" Tawnypaw mews brightly.
Rowanpaw pokes his head out of the brush and stares at the clearing Tawnypaw has lead him to in awe. "Wow, Tawnypaw," he meows breathlessly. "This is...beautiful."
His dark emerald eyes sweep across the wildflower clearing and the astounding array of brilliant flowers that light up the forest even in late leaf-fall.
"I can't believe I've never been here before," the chestnut-furred apprentice meows appreciatively. "Must be because it's hidden by the brush. How in StarClan's name did you find it?"
Tawnypaw opens her mouth to tell him the truth, but thinks better of it. "I was just exploring one day," she lies lightly.
Rowanpaw grins. "You must be quite the adventurous explorer."
Tawnypaw shoves away the guilt of lying – and bringing Rowanpaw here to begin with – eating at the edges of her conscience and returns the cheery grin. "Yeah, that's just me," she mews innocently.
A sudden flash of red and white in the corner of her eye distracts her from her play at innocence. She turns around and darts over to the patch of amaryllis flowers, picks a particularly pretty one up between her teeth, and drops it at Rowanpaw's feet.
The flower she selects is stunning snow white with brilliant scarlet pouring from the middle. Tawnypaw's cheeks warm to the color of the flower's center as she explains, "These are amaryllis flowers. They're my favorites."
Rowanpaw tilts his head. "Those flower aren't that nice," he observes.
Tawnypaw's face falls in disappointment. "Really? What makes you say that?"
He shrugs. "I don't know. There's just something about it I don't like." He gazes around at the other flowers, his eyes hovering for a moment over the chrysanthemums, before moving on impassively. Suddenly, his eyes brighten, and he moves over to a cluster of vibrant magenta blossoms.
"I like these," he decides, rubbing his muzzle against the silky petals. "What are they called?"
Tawnypaw searches her head for Smokepaw's distant tour of the flowers, one lost day spent laughing and smiling under the soft sunlight. "Hollyhock," she recalls. "They are very pretty."
"Beautiful," Rowanpaw whispers. "Just like you."
Tawnypaw looks up at him with wide, glowing eyes. "...What?"
"You're beautiful," Rowanpaw repeats softly. A brilliant shiver runs down her spine as he entwines his tail with her own and brushes against her flank.
No one except Smokepaw had ever made her feel so... wanted. Loved. But Smokepaw is different, she tells herself. Here Rowanpaw is actively trying to give her the sense of warmth running through her veins; Smokepaw doesn't try, he doesn't give a damn, it just happens around him. And Smokepaw is the runt, Smokepaw is three moons younger than she, and Smokepaw... is her best friend. But that is all, she tells herself.
Rowanpaw... Rowanpaw is mystery, with hidden yet radiating strength, with alluring emerald eyes, deep, thick chestnut fur and a charming, soothing voice. Tawnypaw... likes it.
She falls to the ground with him in the hollyhocks, content to lie against him and stare up at the array of colors painted across the sky, and lets her contented gaze follow the fiery sun beginning its descent.
She doesn't notice herself trampling a stray mum as she falls.
And she has never been happier.
xxx
Smokepaw
Smokepaw feels tears pricking his eyes, and a horrible sense of unfairness and indignation washing over him. It just isn't fair. He knows that in his mind he sounds like a newborn kit who has lost a play fight, but truly, the injustice of the day's events are sickening. But then, he figures, life is never fair.
He runs desperately to Talonpaw, as though he is underwater and his brother is oxygen, and without him, he'll die. He finds Talonpaw in the apprentice den, and when the young apprentice sees his brother's distressed state, he leads him to a quiet tree outside camp.
There, Smokepaw blurts out everything, from the badger fight to Cedarpaw's betrayal, and vents about how much he had wanted to impress Tawnypaw, and misses the way his brother smiles knowingly. Besides Tawnypaw herself, Talonpaw is the only cat Smokepaw is ever so open with, and despite the weight crushing down on his shoulders, letting everything flow out of him and spill at his brother's feet is like a breath of fresh air.
"Smokepaw, pause and breathe," Talonpaw soothes, urging his brother to take a breath. "Tawnypaw still likes you anyways for who you are. You don't need to be some hero."
"But it certainly helps," Smokepaw mumbles.
Talonpaw leans back against the tree they are sitting under and exhales loudly. "Smokepaw, you need to stop being so pessimistic and cynical all the time."
"I can't help it," Smokepaw snaps. "The world is depressing - why shouldn't I be?"
Talonpaw raises a questioning brow. "You sound like a kit, Smokepaw."
"I know, I know, but it's true!" Smokepaw cries. "Bad things just always happen! Like I thought Cedarpaw was... sort of... a friend, and he betrayed me -"
"Shh, lower your voice," Talonpaw urges calmly.
Smokepaw sighs heavily, and continues, "Not only is Cedarpaw a phony piece of crowfood, but Rowanpaw is worse. He's a selfish piece of foxdung who doesn't even know Tawnypaw, but looks at her like..." he searches for the word. "He looks at her like she's just a flower, something pretty to be looked at and smelled, but not something he truly knows inside out and backwards. He doesn't know her the way I do."
The last part comes out as an angry snarl, and Smokepaw digs his claws into the moss beneath his toes. "I'll bet he doesn't know that Tawnypaw misses her brother in ThunderClan every day, but that she'd never go back because of the way they treated her there. I'll bet he doesn't know that she hates her father. I'll bet he doesn't know that her dream is to be strong and resolute, and defend her Clan and her friends in any way she can, or that her favorite flower is amaryllis, or her favorite prey is mice, or that she loves climbing pine trees, or that she hates the wet marshes because then she has to groom herself extra, or that she loves picking low-hanging berries, or that she loves to look up at the sky." Smokepaw pauses for breath and closes his eyes, trying to calm the inner wave of feelings threatening to drown him.
Talonpaw tilts his head. "Well you sure do know her well," he remarks.
"Of course I do." Smokepaw stares down into his paws and lowers his tail between his legs.
"She's... my best friend," he whispers.
Talonpaw sighs. "You really do have it tough. Falling for your best friend, and Rowanpaw's love interest -"
"Wait," Smokepaw interrupts. "I never said I'd fallen for her. What are you talking about?"
Talonpaw grins, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "It's obvious, Smokepaw."
"I don't like her like that," Smokepaw protests. "She's just my friend, and I don't want my friend being with that piece of crowfood Rowanpaw. Is that so abnormal?"
"No... but the way you're acting is." Talonpaw holds his brother's identical yellow gaze. "It's obvious to everyone but you, Smokepaw. You like her."
The emphasis on the word like makes his affection sound childish, Smokepaw thinks. So, reflexively, before he even comprehends the meaning of what he is saying or that he actually means it, he amends, "I believe the correct word is love."
Talonpaw nods and smiles, but chooses not to respond, and lets Smokepaw sift through his thoughts. The two brothers sit there for awhile in a poignant silence, and watch together as she sun begins to dip below the horizon and only spare rays of soft orange light dapple the treetops.
Finally, after a long while of peaceful yet thick silence, Talonpaw ventures a question. "Smokepaw... what will you do if Tawnypaw chooses Rowanpaw?"
Stunned by the question, Smokepaw falters. "I - I don't know," he stammers, but then collects himself. "It doesn't matter. She can do what she wants. I'm fine being alone."
"You're not alone!" Talonpaw meows at him. "You always have me. Or have you forgotten me?"
"No, I haven't. Sorry," Smokepaw responds quietly. "It's just, you're the only one left."
Talonpaw tilts his head. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Smokepaw sighs. "I don't know."
"C'mon, there have got to be other cats besides me who cheer you up," Talonpaw mews brightly. His brother is shrouded in the shadows of twilight, but he ignores the dark, shaded look it gives him. "Like your mentor, Oakfur. Or Russetfur. And Tawnypaw still does, because she's still your friend, even if she likes Rowanpaw."
"Oakfur hates me and thinks I'm a worthless apprentice, Russetfur the same, especially after the badger incident, and just thinking of Tawnypaw right now upsets me."
Talonpaw frowns at Smokepaw's stubborn cynicism, but refuses to be deterred in his quest to cheer him up. "Alright then, how about activities? Doesn't hunting excite you? Or fighting ThunderClan? Or the drive to become a warrior?"
"Hunting is boring, we haven't fought since BloodClan, and becoming a warrior..." For a moment Talonpaw is hopeful, for he sees a dim light in Smokepaw's eyes, but then it flashes out of existence like a fire smothered by rain. "Becoming a warrior is just a name."
Talonpaw feels his brother is lying about the latter; being a warrior must mean something to him, and probably more than he lets on. He knows Smokepaw is just being stubborn, refusing to be wrong, or let anything turn his frown upside down. And despite his unending patience, Talonpaw is frustrated.
"Come on, Smokepaw," he meows. "There has to be something that makes you happy."
Smokepaw shrugs. "Talking to you."
Talonpaw rolls his eyes. "Something else. I'm flattered, but be more creative."
Smokepaw closes his eyes to think, and Talonpaw watches as his ears perk and an idea comes to him.
"Well?"
Smokepaw hesitates. "It'll sound stupid."
"Just tell me."
"Well... when I closed my eyes, I saw a place that looked like the wildflower patch. You know what I'm talking about? I took you there once, and I always talk about it." Talonpaw nods. "Well, this place looks like the flower patch, only it's on the edge of a cliff. And I'm the only one around - the only big one, I mean. Everyone else is a kit. There are a bunch of little kits, all playing around in the flowers, and I have defend the flower patch so no twolegs get in and kidnap them."
Talonpaw resists giving him a funny look, and nods for him to continue.
"But more than that, the real danger is the cliff. The kits are all playing near the cliff, and it's my job to make sure none of them fall off. I guess I'm just... the catcher in the flowers. That's all."
Talonpaw stares at him in silence for a moment, and then mews, "Well, that sure was creative."
Smokepaw looks down. "I knew you'd think it was crazy."
"No, it's not crazy," Talonpaw assures him, but doesn't know what else to call it. "I don't know how I understand it, but I sort of do. I have just one piece of advice... make sure you don't fall off the cliff, Smokepaw."
Smokepaw contemplates Talonpaw's response for a moment, then sighs and gets to his paws. "Thanks, Talonpaw, for listening and understanding. Really. But I think I need some alone time now." Without waiting for a response, he turns to leave.
"Where are you going?" Talonpaw calls after him. But as soon as the words leave his mouth, he knows.
"To the wildflowers."
-- --
A/N: For those of you who noticed it, I'm sorry for the completely obvious Catcher in the Rye parallel. But I couldn't help it... Smokepaw just has the same thought process as Holden, I guess. (actually, that's a bit scary) Disclaimer: Catcher in the Rye belongs to J.D. Salinger, as does half of what Smokepaw says in this chapter. Ok, maybe not half. But a large portion.
