Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I do not.

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EPOV

I stood in my study and assessed my wall of accomplishments: certificates, degrees and awards. I felt not one ounce of achievement or even satisfaction. I threw myself into my studies more than ever before and my family was proud of me, relieved to see me back to my normal self. It didn't escape me the way they would correct themselves when they thought this, the way they would clarify in their minds that my "normal" self of these days was much more like the quietly content Edward that had existed before Bella. No, they had to be perfectly precise in their analysis; her Edward was happy, blissfully happy.

Thankfully they chose to neglect this detail, to be blind with ignorance and peacefully return to their own lives, as they should. I had affected them long enough and I would not have it any other way.

Alice actively chose to pretend alongside me. Her motives were unclear. Perhaps due to unresolved emotions from a lost memory of her visit to Volterra, perhaps because she is an optimist and the concept of 'fake it until you make it' seemed to be the best approach or maybe because she felt helpless to do anything else.

I extended to her the same courtesy. I pretended not to notice her pensive thoughts about all the 'whys' and 'what ifs', I pretended to ignore the longing she felt and the resentment she projected on to Rosalie, I pretended not to see her starring at me sadly, sometimes even angrily, when she forgets herself.

Everyone was quick to accept my façade. Everyone, that is, except one.

Jasper.

It didn't start until I began returning Tanya's attentions. He reevaluated the entire situation, like any good Major, and surprisingly changed his mind about everything. To him, this means he chose real emotion over security.

How often had I heard him describe my emotions? Resigned, lonely and miserable. Sometimes he would imagine Bella and he would pick apart my reaction. He would think about the gentle, desperate way she embraced Alice when they reunited in Aro's office and I would feel sad but hopeful. He would recall Aro's anger towards Carlisle, his use of the word "abomination" to describe my lost love. Guilt, anger and shame. He would think of her at our wedding, her smiling face and warm brown eyes. Longing. Oh holy God, the longing.

He would tear my world apart with the memory of Bella in her last weeks with us. Her expression revealing betrayal, desperation and sorrow when I gave up on her, how those feelings turned to bitter anger just before she sent shockwaves of electricity through my being. He would remember her vain efforts to control herself in the clearing, her selflessness. One of the only times he could get a read on her as a vampire. Her longing, remorse and hopelessness as Jasper dragged her away to be dismembered and burned. It was my destruction that I felt each time this scene unfolded in his mind.

And as he relentlessly explained my conflicting emotions to me, he would force me to think about why I felt the way I did. He was making it excessively difficult for me to remain stoic.

You are not happy. Stop pretending that you are.

Forgiving each other may seem like the most difficult thing right now, but we both know it would be easier than going on without her. If it were Alice…

There is a reason why I have my gift. Even without it, I could see it in her face when she reached for Alice, all the same longing and loneliness you feel and her love for Alice has always been eclipsed by her love for you.

Did he not understand? I made my decision, let me keep it. Does he not realize all the time I spent talking myself into going to her, all the time I spent talking myself into staying away, the final week after our confrontation when it all accumulated? The fact that I made a decision at all is nothing short of a miracle.

I was furious.

I missed my wife.

I was betrayed and hurt.

I was lonely.

I wanted everything to end.

I wanted everything to go back the way it was.

I hated myself.

She let me down.

I let her down.

I love her.

Do I file for divorce?

Do I try harder?

Does any of it matter?

Why?

Why?

I spent that week traveling the distance between my family and my love, back and forth over and over, safety and pride or uncertainty and…home. There have been so many mistakes and I am ashamed, reluctant even, to admit the truth to myself. I chose the easy route, the path in which I am content and detached. The path that is predictable. Loving her would be impossible and precarious, my pride refuses any attempts. I will love her until the end of time, but I do not know if I could survive being with her now.

The one and only question left, the one I fear above all others, the repercussion of either answer equally devastating – Does she love me?

It is with the knowledge of how I feel about this question that I have decided not be closed off to other…companions.

A slender hand lands softly on my shoulder. I put on my best face and turn to her.

She is beautiful, but all our kind are, easy to talk to, although she never seems to stop, and thoughtful, at least to the extent that suits her. She has convinced herself that she is in love with me and as any gentleman should, I feel honored.

I want to want her.

"Hello, Tanya. I am surprised to see you again so soon." She had come calling a number of times since my family located here.

Oh Edward, I am so sorry about your wife. I flinch and she smiles apologetically before her thoughts change. But I'm so happy your family has decided to settle down in Alaska. We'll have so much fun, I promise, you just let me take care of you.

I had spent a while living in Denali after I left my family, they had come to visit me there on occasion, before I traveled alone. I was aggravated with the way Tanya would hover over me, fussing over my every movement and the way Eleazar would contemplate my love's very existence. The trigger had been when Kate apologized for the way her gift had been used against me, as though it were her fault.

Tanya was as clingy as ever, but her intentions were pure. I try to ignore her insensitivity towards my marriage and her naivety of her misjudged emotions.

"Tanya, would you join me on a short hunting excursion?"

Her face lights up and I shun the feeling of guilt. Of course she agrees and as we leave I hear my annoying brother, the one who refuses to look the other way:

She doesn't love you, not like Bella.

BPOV

"Afton, how does your gift work?"

He is startled and immediately wary. None of them could help feeling this way, like I was a constant threat, no matter how softly I tried to speak, no matter how relaxed I tried to be. I suppose it didn't help him that he didn't see me coming. They had all spent so long on top, the greatest assassins in the world, that it seemed even more distressing to them than anyone else to discover there are worse things out there, namely me.

He clears his throat unnecessarily, his red eyes darting around the empty dark road. I wonder what he was doing, lingering out here alone. But that was his way, always seeking solitude; I felt a certain kinship with this strange man.

"Well…Mistress, I would have thought your superior use of it would entail you to understand it better than I."

I incline my head towards him, urging him on. Using gifts was second nature to me. I could feel it coursing through my body, but they were never really mine. I understood my shield, my own constant.

"I guess, well, when I alter someone's memories, I'm not really deleting anything, I'm just rearranging everything, repressing whatever I want them to forget. But when I use my gift, I'm only able to use it on mortals, I have no idea how you do it, with vampires. Vampire's minds are completely different and infinitely more complex than humans."

I smile at him, enjoying the way he seems to get lost in contemplation, forgetting for a moment his fear, "And how does it normally work with humans?"

"Hm, I think first you should understand the nature of what I do. In a way, I'm the missing link between Edward's gift and – oh, forgive me Mistress, I did not mean to mention him."

I couldn't help the sadness as I recognized fear and panic spring to life within him when he noticed me flinch. Of course he would expect me to react and hurt him. Would anyone ever feel safe around me again? I longed for the days when Edward would struggle to resist laughing at me when I was angry. How had he described me once? A tiger kitten?

There was something very honest about this man, and I felt the need to be open with him.

"Afton, I beg of you not be frightened of me, I really mean you no harm. Please continue." I smiled at him softly, "And call me Bella."

He smiled back tentatively, and I felt like I could maybe be friends with this man. I appraised him now; he had always allowed himself to fade into the background unseen. Strange as he was, so introverted and peaceful, a clear contrast to most of the Volturi, with his soft queer accent and deliberate ways, I knew I had found someone who would make me feel at ease. It reminded me that no one felt at ease in my presence and again I was sad.

I noticed him sizing me up as well, and I couldn't help but tense. Then I noticed the way his eyes swept over me in a thoughtful manner, not at all sexual, as if he was deciding something about me. Whatever it was made him relax and smile in earnest.

"Well, as I was saying, I am the link between…the mind reader and Aro. Aro sees all that has happened, as do I. I do not hear the thoughts to them, and I do not see anything that is happening in the present. I just see snippets of the past and I am able to isolate memories and compartmentalize them. I think, if the person is later confronted with something similar to the memory I have repressed then they will finally remember it. May I ask, when you erased whatever you did from the vampire's memory, what was going on? I do not mean to pry whatever it was you were trying to make her forget, simply, what sights and sounds were occurring when you shifted the memory?"

"Well… I had a piece of harp music I was trying to learn playing in the background, and I think she was looking at my face?"

He nodded as if it was the answer he expected, "Alright, well, if she was looking at you again and hearing the same tune simultaneously, it is probable that she will remember whatever it was you made her forget."

I wasn't sure how to broach my real intent for this conversation, plus I thought maybe it would be reassuring to first build some foundation of trust, so instead of asking what I really wanted to ask, I simply ask him if I could walk with him awhile.

AftonPOV

I decided I liked Bella immensely. I had seen her drifting through the halls of Volterra and part of me, somewhere in the pit of my stomach, would squeeze together in dread. However I was clearly not doing her any favours with my misguided first impressions. I could now see how lonely she was, and I knew she meant it when she told me she wished no harm to me. I had spent a long time here, but I was not like the others, I did not revel in bloodlust. I preferred books and the burning pain of hunger and fed as rarely as possible, in fact, I thought I would ask her about the Cullen's preferred diet. Having known the tender memories of humans and understanding the value of time, I regretted every kill. I like the easy silence we walked in and regretted the decades I had spent avoiding her.

EPOV

"You're using her!"

A hiss escapes and his thoughts turn smug. Damn him. I have been dating Tanya for about two months now and this argument has been a long time coming.

"Do you feel better Edward? When you put on the happy boyfriend face and dabble in the mundane? Do you like holding her against you when you show her how to swing a bat? Does it feel right? You are not this person." His roar of outrage rattles the walls of our house.

"What Jasper? A lighthearted, peaceful person?" I sound petulant, even to my own ears.

"A fake." He bits back, "None of this feels like a fit and you are forcing it."

I didn't even notice Alice enter the room until she speaks, her voice pleading, "Jasper, baby, calm down. Edward can make his own decisions."

"No! Stop fucking encouraging him, my God, if Bella could see the way our family has turned out. Walking around on eggshells, indulging in shallow relationships based purely on lust, acting like the Goddamn Partridge family when nobody around here feels right."

Alice recoils, Jasper has never sworn at her. But that isn't what sets me off. If only he knew what my beloved wife has been up to.

"She fucking cheated on me!" Alice's retort dies on her lips. If she had never heard Jasper swear at her before, she had never heard me swear at all. Ever.

Her mind turns back to her private conversation with her, the regret over the way we misjudged her acquisition of powers, the confusion over what she missed, that one dark spot, something feels familiar. Alice knows.

And so, apparently, does Jasper, "Yeah, your wounded pride and your sense of betrayal make that pretty obvious. But you know what? She sure as hell didn't seem happy and satisfied when I saw her, and I could smell him on her then too. Neither of you have fooled anyone, so stop trying to fool yourselves."

I glare at him before we hear a knock outside the study.

Tanya peeks in at us, a concerned expression on her face, "Is everything okay in here?"

It is Alice who answers, "Yes Tanya, everything is fine. You and Edward should get going if you want to get to the movies on time."

I shoot a puzzled look at her, while she seems to agree with Jasper that this does not feel right, there is something holding her back from voicing it. Of course her husband does not feel the same.

What Bella did doesn't make what you are doing okay. Two wrongs…

The movie passes uneventfully and when we leave, Tanya's inane chatter about the plausibility of the situation between the characters means nothing to me. I hardly watched it. But her hand, curled trustfully into my own, keeps me there beside her and listening. By the time we come home Alice has convinced Jasper to let it go. In her thoughts I've deduced that she believes it important to my safety to keep me close, but neither of us knows why.

Tanya and I spend the night talking. It never ceases to amaze me the way she can turn small talk into a two hour conversation, but despite that I find I miss the comfortable silence only my wife can afford me. We talk about hunting and the preferable environments for our type, the places we've lived, she tells me about her favourite TV shows and movies, her favourite clubs and casinos, and just as I expect, she brings up the same thing she has brought up everyday for the past month and a half. Sex. My feelings on it are conflicted but she is convinced that it would give our relationship that extra boost to turn it from casual to meaningful.

I patiently tell her, once more, that I'm not ready, I try to reassure her as I always do that I just need time. And as always, she is offended and angry. An errant and disjointed thought flitters through my mind as I rub soothing circles into her tense shoulders, I can't tell if it is her thought, Jasper's or my own – doesn't make it right.

BPOV

I've been hiding from myself for a long time, rebellious against my cause. I've fallen off my path so many times, burdened and struggling, but I accept my purpose now. I've made a lot of mistakes and rash decisions. Impatience and anger rooted in loneliness have made my will falter and fail, but I am resolved now. No more mistakes.

EPOV

I can hear Tanya laughing in the distance as she chases down a large buck. The moon is full and the sky is clear, it is the middle of the night and it almost looks like it could be day with the way the shine from the moon hits the stark white of the snow, illuminating everything in a deep blue light.

I have been dating Tanya for 4 months now and Jasper's protests have settled down to a quiet frustration. I know Rosalie and Alice talked to her about the sex issue and she surprisingly backed off quite a bit. She was never overly aggressive, rather she pushes to talk about feelings and past…issues that she thinks are obstacles in our intimacy.

During the times that she is silent, her mind continues its musings, directing questions at me occasionally, as though expecting me to always be listening. I fight back my annoyance, knowing that for her, if it were reversed, she would be listening. Sometimes she gently questions our relationship, knowing fully well that I can hear her, waiting for me to reassure her. I rarely ever do.

I have tried to explain to her that I do want to move on, and that I want to move on with her, but I am not capable of being fully invested in our relationship right away. I tried to tell her how I want to make this work, but I can only give her so much. I tried to tell her she should move on because as much as I want to, it will be awhile still for me to fall in love with anyone. I am desperate to believe my own lies and Tanya, sweet as ever, has only one reply to all of this – she'll take whatever I am willing to give. She deserves it all.

Lost in my thoughts I don't notice her until she is on top of me, pushing me down on the snow and laughing still. Despite myself I am laughing too as we roll around playfully. There aren't words to describe how exquisite she looks in the light of the full moon. The beauty of the stars above us have nothing on her. She is breathtaking.

It was a night that would have inspired the most chilling symphonies. The air was cool and crisp, the wind was a gentle caress and the snow was as soft as a feather bed beneath us.

I roll to my side to get a better look at her, the silken strands of her hair fanned about her angelic face, eyes sparkling, lips curved into the softest smile.

That night I wanted to make love to Tanya.

Instead, I fucked her.