Compulsive Noties
You guys, I did my best, but I finished the story. Sorry it's kinda crappy, but I've been rather lacking in creativity latley. I hope you still enjoy it though. I'd like to dedicate this to one particular reviewer..."ornithia" they went by? They gave my the best reveiw I've had in years. Not that I don't appreciate other reviews, but hers was so detailed, I was very very to read it. Thank you.
When I woke up the next morning I stretched out in my bed, this is what I did every morning...unless there was someone else in my bed with me. This time there should have been, but there wasn't. My mind was only fifty percent awake as it was, so as I caught on to the idea that there was something missing from this picture, my hand slipped over a piece of paper.
"Deidara-chan, I've left...I want to say I know where I'm going. I really do. I also want to say I know why I'm leaving. I want to say I know what's going on in my head...but I can't. Please forgive my stupidity, but I care about you so much. I care so much about you my stomach is in knots as I write this because I know that as your reading this your getting upset. I'm getting upset having to write this...but I have to. I have to leave you as you are now...I think things are going to fast. As much as I'd like to slow down, I know that we're still on high speed. Know this Dei...you are important to me, with this said, I'll be back. I just need time to clear my head. I just need time to think...and you might need this time to..."
But I didn't...I didn't need this time at all. In fact, knowing that he woke early to write this and leave was tearing me up inside, very much so. Saying I was feeling heart broken wasn't...wasn't the words I was looking for. So I ignored it. I went back to sleep. I was near tears, I'm not gonna lie, but I went back to sleep. I slept clear until the next day, dreaming only of times when held me, held me close and promised he cared. I vividly dreamed of his warm arms caressing my slightly more slider figure. When I woke up for the second time, I knew I had to eat something, but I ignored that, too. Rolling out of bed, I walked down the hall and into the living room. The empty feeling filled my head, and the room. When I got to the couch, I sat down and looked up at the ceiling. Thinking. Just thinking about him.
There was a knock at the door an hour later, so I got up to answer it. When I unlocked the door, and opened it, Sasori stood before me. I looked up at him, one eye covered by my bangs, still not dressed. I wanted to slam the door in his face...no I wanted to slap him across the face...no I wanted to yell at him with all of my energy. But that wasn't the case at all...I just wanted to cry. I wanted to express the feelings of anger, remorse, sadness, and the sinking feeling that I had slipped up. I wanted him to hold me, hold me like he did in my dreams.
I began to weep, and collapsed to the floor. Both legs folded besides me, he picked me up. He carried me to the couch where I once lay. Thinking about him, only moments before. He pulled me off his shoulder, and looked at me.
He took his fingers and ran them through my hair, pushing the golden locks from out of my eyes. He wiped my tears away.
"Calm down...just...take some deep breaths. Now...go clean yourself up. When you come back, we'll talk." He said, as if this was just going to be a conversation about nothing important. I got up and did as he said. When I came back and sat down next to him, he looked at me, trying hard to mask his feelings, but in his eyes I could see a flicker of sympathy. "You can't do this every time I leave." My jaw began to quiver, and I looked down. When he placed his hand in mine I knew he meant business.
"You can't leave me every time I go to sleep...that's what they did...I don't deal with loneliness very well." I confessed.
"So it wasn't what the school children said. Was it? It was...you...needing someone else..." I pulled my hand from his to cover my face. I didn't want him to see my cry again, even if he would hear my sobs. He took my hand from my face gently, and kissed me. "It was, wasn't it? You were alone..."
"Nobody understood! Nobody cared! They just wanted the fuck...so I'd give it to them, and in return I got touch. I got the feeling of being next to somebody. For a few minutes, or an hour, someone cared about me. They were rough, they were careful. But no matter what, they were there. I wasn't alone for that day! I wasn't alone!" I was getting tired of crying now, but couldn't stop. Years and years of suppressed unhappiness was being let out now, and I didn't know why. "I'm-I'm sorry, I was weak!"
"Deidara-chan...why would you lie? Why couldn't you just say that to begin with?" I calmed myself down somewhat and was finally able to speak.
"For the same reason you couldn't tell me why you left."
"Dei...I already knew." I stopped, and sniffed, looking over at him.
"Knew...what?"
"That you wanted the touch. It was why I left...I didn't think I could handle you only wanting my touch. I wanted...how do I put this...I wanted all of you. Not just the parts you wanted to offer me. I gave you all of me, and I knew you only giving me half."
"So why didn't you tell the truth." I seethed.
"What did you expect me to say 'I'm sorry Dei, but I don't want to put my heart on the line of to someone who just wants to fuck all the time.' I'd rather sit here in complete silence with you knowing that we're falling in love, then to fuck you. For all I know, you could move on, with or without my knowledge. How do I know that you won't be satisfied with me? How do I know I'm with you for faulty reasons." I was enraged now, and got up to leave. He swiftly grabbed my wrist, and begged me to stay without even using a word.
"Danna, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but...I can't start a relationship with you if all your going to do is doubt me on my words, then use my past as an excuse to run out on me. I want you so bad...I can't eat, I can't breath. And the only thing I ask of you is to want me back. I want you to hold me like if you let go, you'd never see me again. I want you to hope now will never end like I do when you kiss me. I want you to want to fast forward though not being around me, and only want to pause when we're in each other's arms. I want you to feel for me what I feel for you." He pulled me back, and for the third time in a matter of minutes, I was in tears. "I want you...I want you to want me."
"Deidara-chan...I do...I really, really do." He whispered. Pulling me back into his arms. "You don't get it...you just don't see how badly I need to know you won't leave. I just want you to be there...I want to start something with you that could only be between me and you. I want be there for you. I need you Dei...I need to know you need me too."
"I really do..." I said, feeling his head rubbing against mine. I didn't know what it was the held us together, I didn't know what was pulling us apart, whether it was my past, his present, or just the feeling that everything was rushing. But I didn't care anymore. "Are we starting something?" I asked, gingerly.
"I gu...well I...yes. Yes, Deidara-chan, we are."
"Will you...promise not to leave me again?"
"Dei-chan, I won't leave your side unless it is absolutely necessary. Just don't leave mine."
"You won't judge me for my past?"
"Let's start a new chapter together."
"Together."I repeated. It was quiet for a while.
"The loveless becomes loved. The feeling of lost hope I thought would burn through my chest, the pain of loneliness I thought would never go away, finally left to welcome a new feeling."
-:Fin:-
Reveiwss?
