I'm so stupid. How could I be so stupid? Fall in love with a straight girl. Ok, I need to calm down. But really how could I be so moronic? I love how this is the one time I feel so comfortable with someone..to really talk to them and she goes and kisses Tad. Why is my heart such a jerk? Why couldn't I keep on loving Natalie Portman from afar? That has more logic in it than falling for Jessie. Ah, but the brain doesn't work with the heart, ever! People do stupid things when they're in love. I fell in love with her because she's real and I shouldn't be angry at Tad. He did what I would have done.
Still, I need to calm down. Inhale, exhale. Keep it going. It's kind of a necessity. Just as I calmed down enough to think clearly the doorbell rang. What the hell! I can't think to myself without an interruption. It's 11:45!
I get out of my bed annoyed, not that I was bundled up in it or anything, but I want some freaking time to myself even if I'm not tired. I almost yank the door open to see a fake, happy Sarah. That was unexpected.
"What?" I ask harshly as I cross my arms over my chest and remind myself I need to calm down but my thoughts catch up to me. Why should I be nice to Sarah when she's been a bitch to Jessie? Everything she ever said to Jessie was uncalled for and said out of complete malice.
"Just wanted to stop by, see if you needed help with your laundry," she replied in a bubbly, annoying tone while looking me up and down trying to look cute. I was still in my party clothes, wearing a green tank top to bring out my eyes a bit and skinny black pants, some gold bracelets to top it off for some reason but mostly because I like the noise they make when they jangle. She keeps looking me up and down and smiling to herself. I hate it when guys do that let alone someone that has no right to be here.
"No, its late Sarah. Go away!" I nearly scream.
"That's no way to treat a friend," she says.
"Luckily, you're not my friend. So it doesn't matter which way I treat you right now," I say back bitterly.
"So that's how it is," she asks her voice instantly going cold.
"It really wasn't that hard of a choice Sarah. Everything that you said to Jessie was uncalled for and I think you know that. And even if you were in your twenties you still wouldn't have enough maturity to match Jessie's. Now leave me the hell alone and stop being such a bitch. There's more to life than trampling on people to get what you want!" With that I shut the door, not exactly a slap but close enough.
A few seconds later, which seemed more like minutes passed. I slowly made my body move, tired of all the emotional drama and thinking. I make my way upstairs but everything seems in slow motion. It really does as if my body isn't catching up with my brains commands. The walls start to fade away and lose their color. It goes black and I'm gone.
In my dream I keep hearing knocking and the doorbell ringing and soon after people shouting. Then I feel something cold hit my face. Slowly I blink my eyes open and there's Tad and Jessie leaning over me. Jessie's holding a glass that I assume had water in it. Tad begins to lift me off the stairs. They keep talking but its muffled, like I'm underwater or on a roller coaster and nothing seems focused.
Tad's grip on my wrist hurts so I try to push him away but I'm too tired so I wipe the water away from my eyes and almost collapse against the wall. Jessie gasps and Tad catches me. I smile at him since I can't put words together. Before I know what going on I'm in the car and Jessie and Tad seem to be freaking out before I fall asleep.
When I come to, there's a doctor shining a light into my eyes. He says something about my vitals and how my blood pressure is back up.
"What's..going on?" I say slowly, even though I'm really freaking out. Why am I in the hospital? I hate hospitals!
"You passed out from not eating Katie. Your friends brought you here. You're doing fine now. We put some fluids in you and you'll be ready to leave in a few hours. Mind the IV, you might be sensitive to it, but try to eat more. Your friends say they see you eat all the time but I know how a teenager's life can be between school, family, friends, a job, a life. You get caught up and forget. Try not to forget," she says softly but with force behind it as though there's no point in debating. She says it in a somewhat parental tone but still nicely with consideration. She excuses herself to check on other patients and not a second after Jessie walks in.
"Hey," she says quietly, "you ok?"
I nod, I swear words are such a pain when you're tired. I wish I had the power of telepathy.
"Please tell me you didn't not eat on purpose," Jessie says with worry.
I shake my head no. She stares at me, worry evident on her face, making her look like her mom. I start to cry then. Not because I'm so tired but because if Jessie was in the position I was in I'd be freaking out too and I don't think I can handle that since I'm crying simply thinking about the idea of Jessie in the hospital.
"Katie," she says sadly as if seeing me cry affects her so much, which I suppose it does. I look up from my blanket. "What's wrong?" she asks concerned.
"Jessie," I say quietly, a little above a whisper, "promise me you'll eat more. I don't ever want to see you…like this..please," I say as a few more tears slid down my face.
"Katie, I am! I never want to be here again, but you need to eat more too," she says growing somewhat defensive.
"I just got caught up in everything I had to do yesterday. Sarah called, I just couldn't think after that. I was so annoyed. Then you came over and I got sidetracked. Then I had to do some chores and then there was the party. I guess forgetting to eat and then drinking really screwed me up," I realize saying it all, "but I'm fine," I finish quickly.
"It's..ok Katie, but you do too much. Why do you do it? Where's your mom and dad? I've never seen them," she questions in a concerned tone.
"They're away on business. They'll be home soon."
"How soon? The doctors could barely get a hold of them," she responded, annoyance in her voice.
"Probably in two months. I don't know exactly," I say getting somewhat defensive. I mean I can handle being by myself and I don't mind doing the work around the house.
"Two months Katie! I've never seen them before and I've known you for a month! You think your parents should leave for that long?"
"I can take care of myself. I get the grades. I go to parties. I have plenty of friends," I reply growing more defensive.
"Katie, that's not it. You shouldn't have to do all those things. It's no wonder you forgot to eat," she says looking at me and then the bed. "I used to do the same thing. I'd worry so much sometimes about my family that I forgot and sure other times I made a point..not to eat, but Katie…its not right to get so..caught up in things to forget," she adds with tears coming to her eyes.
"Thank you Dr. Jessie, should I pay you to be my shrink now?" I say growing more irritated. She flinches a little.
"Katie, I just care," she replies with sincerity. I take a deep breath.
"I'm sorry Jessie. I guess I just..become defensive about things. I know I shouldn't but I've lived with two brothers who taught me that's your basic reaction to pretty much anything and…"I trail off, getting caught in my thoughts.
"What Katie? You know you can tell me. It's ok," she says taking my hand to hold it. I've never held Jessie's hand and it hits me in that moment as she laces her fingers in between mine. I take another deep breath. I have to whisper it. I don't even want to hear what I'm going to say.
"A mother that's a drunk and gets angry all the time..at nothing and tells me to get her things and do all the chores…then..if I don't do them fast enough…she lashes out…you know how it feels to be hit by your own parents?" I whisper into the blanket that's covering me. I can't bring myself to look at Jessie. I'm crying too much and it hurts to think about all that. Jessie breaths in deep and before I can bring my hands to my face to wipe away my stupid crying Jessie's hugging me. That seals it for me, I start crying more.
"Jessie, I'm sorry," I say through silent sobs and the choking in my throat that always annoys me when I cry this hard. "For getting defensive about what you said before…them needing to be home. I just…I don't want them to be," I finish with a tired breath.
"Katie, it's ok," she says as she hugs me tighter. I hug her back, happy that I told her my biggest façade. I grow more tired after that. It hits me that I don't have to be so tense and hold it in. It all…slowly goes out of me. Jessie hugs me more and before I fall asleep again I can't help but think that I trust he and it's going to get better.
A few hours later, after Jessie went home to have dinner with her family and the doctors take care of everything over the phone with my parents, I'm allowed to leave. All I need is a ride. I stood outside for about half an hour which was fine with me. It gave me time to think. About forty-five minutes later Tad pulls up.
"Hop in," he says happily
"Thanks Tad. I owe you. I didn't feel like calling a cab or anything," I say calmly.
"You know it's no problem. Do me a favor though. Don't have this be a weekly or even monthly thing," he says with a smile.
I sigh thinking about how much I probably freaked him out. I'm Katie, his best friend that can take practically anything. I punch him in the arm hard.
"Sure thing, so long as you…be good to Jessie," I reply sadly.
"What are you talking about?" he asks dumbly.
"You both kissed. I recall that moment at least," I say back matter-of-factly.
"Oh well, you didn't stick around long enough to see her push me away and then see us have a few awkward few minutes after," he says sadly and a little hurt.
The nice thing is that the hurt tone doesn't come from his ego. I know he actually cared for Jessie. No matter how many girls think Tad is this stud that dates all these girls. In truth he doesn't and he doesn't go around kissing random girls no matter how much he appears to by his jock friends.
"I'm sorry Tad," is all I can say.
"I'm sorry too. Could you tell Jessie that if she wants we can be friends and forget about the party?" he says somewhat shyly.
"You got it," I say smiling to him.
He smiles back and I'm glad nothing's weird between us, though he doesn't know I like Jessie so that helps.
At that moment Tad pulls up to my house. I get out as he gets out and walks me to my door. He's done this a lot of times and the neighbors think we're dating.
When we get to the door all I say is thanks for the ride and its good we had the talk too. He says he's glad, hugs me and leaves once I get inside.
The rest of the day I spend cleaning the kitchen as slowly as possible. There's really no need to rush after I get the laundry out and put away so I head upstairs to read some.
A couple hours later I wake up refreshed and feeling physically better. All I want to do it take a shower. It's only ten o'clock so no one's going to come over so after my shower I can eat and enjoy myself, maybe watch a movie and really relax, I think to myself as I turn on the water and grab a towel. A wonderful fifteen minutes psses by as I stand under the warm water with soap lathering over my stomach and the cucumber melon smell makes me feel more relaxed. This couldn't be more amazing..only if…I didn't forget to light my vanilla candle.
Just then the god damned door bell rings…so much for my theory that no one would bother to come over. It has to be quarter to eleven by now on a Sunday night. There's no way it's a girl scout selling cookies, though I wouldn't mind the coconut caramel ones right now. I stay in the shower a few more minutes deciding they'll go away but the bell keeps ringing. After debating whether to get out or stay peacefully content I get out once the person or people keep ringing. I push the water off hard, annoyed now that I can't have time to relax. Once my favorite deep red towel is wrapped around me I head downstairs. I check the peep hole to see if its someone doing a prank or worst thought someone trying to get away from a serial killer, but it's not either…it's Jessie! Why is she here so late? Why is she here at all? We have school tomorrow. She has class first period, I have a study hall and can always sleep in. I quickly open the door completely forgetting I'm only in a towel because Jessie being here at eleven can't be good. She stares at my face for a while. I must look like I've seen a ghost cause I have no idea why Jessie would walk all the way over here. After I don't say anything she looks from my face to my feet.
"Katie, you're in a towel. What if I was some creepy forty year old guy that was drunk and just knocking on door?" Jessie says worries and exasperated that I'm standing there with the door open, in a towel for anyone to see me.
I pull my towel tighter around me, clutching my hand to the top of it over my chest and wrapping my other arm over the arm that's holding the towel for extra security.
"I'll send him over to your house so your dad can beat the crap out of him?" I ask jokingly. Jessie almost lets herself laugh. I'm worried now, that should have gotten something out of her.
"Jess, are you ok? What are you doing here?" I ask concerned. She just stares at me. What am I doing? I ask her to come in. She steps in hesitantly, that's a first. I close the door gently and stare at her.
"My parents aren't here…" I say, telling her what she's probably wondering. "What are you doing here Jess?" I ask trying to get her to talk.
"I couldn't sleep. I kept seeing you in the hospital bed looking pale and tired…it freaked me out a lot," she says slowly and sadly.
"You could have just called, not that I don't want you here," I add quickly, "I was just, taking a shower and it's really late," I say to her as I point my thumb in the direction of the stairs.
"I know, but I couldn't sleep and I had to talk to you face to face," she replies tiredly.
"Alright, why don't you hang out in the living room for a while and I'll be down in a bit once I'm changed? You're lucky I didn't put shampoo in yet," I say in a fake annoyed tone that she knows is playful.
She smiles back and takes a seat on the couch.
Moments later after I'm warm in my pajamas I'm back downstairs. I take a deep breath. I really don't know why Jessie's here so I bet its something big that couldn't have waited for tomorrow. I take a seat on the other side of the couch, sit in with a leg under me and one bent, my knee against my chest and wait for Jessie to start talking.
