1. Warnings for this chapter: (non-graphical) mentions of torture, still with the hints on non-con situations, extensive post-trauma study and shifting mental states.

2. Thanks: to Mara and Camille, friends and beta readers; and to Sol, who refered me to the poem that provided this chapter's name.



2. Footprints in the Sand

…on earth as it is in heaven.


Later Sensei would have to tell him what had happened, because Shane hadn't retained much. He remembered Tori, skinny and terrified and filthy and cut and bruised all over and looking so much better than she had in his hallucinations; Dustin pale as chalk and speaking what seemed like nonsense at an unintelligible speed; Blake, unconscious, and weren't they lucky that Marah – crying and chattering and reaching out only to recoil – stole what seemed to be half the medbay, along with their morphers; Sensei's warm weight in his palm; Cam loud and hovering with fear and anger.

And that Cam only snapped more when Shane demanded to know about Hunter.


All of them slept badly and little. Shane and Tori were plied with Ensure and protein shakes as they vehemently refused IVs, but Tori was eventually talked into using the dermal regenerator. Cam would not let anyone out of sight of him or his cameras and would not say that Hunter was fine, no thanks for asking, until Blake awoke. They wouldn't appreciate Sensei's efforts in handling them all for a while more.


Cam released them home on the third day. The story was that they'd been kidnapped by the alien forces in an attempt to add them to the collection of foot soldiers and that they'd been rescued by the Rangers: Cam had used holographic projectors and voice synthesizers to hide the three-week absence of their Ranger identities.

It was enough of a shock to find both his parents' cars home at daytime. Parker's presence Shane had no idea how to react to.

"I have two years' worth of paid leave," his older brother said, standing in their parents' kitchen. "And I negotiated the rest."

Parker had barely been home for Christmas since he graduated college. Shane had no idea what to expect.

"Mom dug up a night light," said Parker that night, leaning on the doorframe of Shane's room.

"What for?" asked Shane. He realized the answer before he finished the question.

"Thought you might be not like the dark," said Parker, a little awkwardly. "The Rangers said – "

"The light was worse," said Shane.

Parker blinked. "All right," he said after a moment.

Shane nodded and turned to bed.

"Want me to stay?" asked Parker.

Shane stopped, closing his eyes. "Yeah," he admitted quietly. "Please."

He fell asleep clinging to his brother's hand.


The school counselor thought it would be best if they return to normal schedule as soon as possible, but agreed that a week or two of recuperation and remedial tutoring were in order. It meant lots of free time, which Shane spent sleeping and trying to avoid overeating and discovering he was weaker than he'd been since age ten.

Hunter's room had double doors, like an airlock, and Cam took meals down three times a day. Sensei tried to talk to him and had been chased away each time. Blake tried once – which Shane thought was stupid but nobody had asked him – and whatever had gone down, neither Cam nor Sensei would let him try again.

When Shane offered, Cam asked if he was going to slit his wrists while he was at it.

"I'm not even going to pretend that you have any judgment on this," Cam said. "You think that just because you waited a couple of days I'm going to forget the situation I found you in or your obsessing over him the first day back?"

"I believe you have adequately expressed your concern, Cameron," said Sensei evenly.

Cam glared at him.

"Let's have a walk, Shane."

They didn't walk very far. Shane still tired easily, and the point was just to get out of range of Cam's spy net.

"These three weeks have been very hard on Cam also," said Sensei after Shane settled down, back against a rock. "Not as hard as they had been for you, of course, but…"

"But he'd lock us in padded rooms to protect us if he thought he could get away with it," Shane interrupted him. "Yeah, I get that, Sensei. And I get why he just flipped out over this, but I might be the only person Hunter might talk to."

"Then we are in agreement," said Sensei in a smooth tone that, in Shane's experience, meant trouble. "Your suggestion has merit, but also entails a great personal risk."

"Sensei, come on. Cam has five cameras down there and a vent attached to a sleeping gas tank just in case. This is home turf, and he's not going to be stupid enough to start hitting me now."

"It is not the physical threat I am worried about."

"Sensei – "

"Why are you so intent on this, Shane?"

"We can't just leave him there!" Shane took a deep breath. "He's supposed to be one of us. If he didn't break through the memory warp on his own by now then he's not going to. He needs help, and we don't really have an alternative."

"That is well and true, Shane," said Sensei, and Shane hated that tone. "And you are, quite possibly, the only person Hunter would talk to. However, this does not necessarily mean that he will listen to you."

"Still the best chance."

"Shane, do you understand why this is a dangerous idea?"

"Yes, but – "

"I won't let you face this risk unless I am absolutely certain that you understand what it is."

Shane was silent for a while.

"You think he'll have me switch sides," he finally said, voice low. "He won't, Sensei. It won't happen. There's no way he can convince me you killed his parents in cold blood, and this is what it comes down to."

It was a long moment before Sensei sighed. "Cam will come to assess the risk more rationally with time," he said. "As will all of you. In the meantime, Shane, for the peace of my mind and the safety of yours – " he turned to face Shane fully, " – do try to talk more than you have so far."


The first time he'd gone down to talk to Hunter went badly. Hunter would not even look at him, sat with his face to the wall and his back to the door and said nothing. Shane tried to establish conversation for about ten minutes before lapsing into silence, and fled barely a minute after.

Afterwards at the control room Tori tried to yell herself hoarse at Shane until Blake interrupted, pleading for his brother to not be written off as a lost cause, and then she really did yell herself hoarse at him. Between the three of them they upset Dustin almost to tears and somehow it was Marah who picked up and supplied tissues and aspirin and got everyone but Tori to consent to being hugged.

Tori preferred people's hands where she could see them.


The second time, the next day, was a little better. He pissed Hunter off enough to talk back.

"Oh, sure, Watanabe is so much more believable," he sneered. "You do know he slaughtered two clans just because of allegations of Dark Ninja activity. More likely they just didn't like the Wind hegemony. Or do they not teach you that here at the House of Watanabe?"

"At the Mountain of Lost Ninjas – "

"We were in the same room with a powerful ninja artifact and two dueling ninja masters. It's a surprise any of us remember anything. Considering how high energy had to be flying there, there's a higher chance that if all of you remember the same version then it's the fake one."

"You have an answer for everything, don't you?"

"Don't you?"

Only then, only when Hunter's voice dropped from a near-shout to a tone just too soft to be a growl, did Shane notice how close they were standing, almost in each other's faces. All he had to do was –

He should turn away, he knew, but he couldn't afford to be the first to break eye contact.

It was what he told Sensei in the debriefing. Not that the situation didn't give him goosebumps, he added so that Sensei wouldn't think he was refusing to deal. Not that he didn't have something like a flashback, for a moment there. But he stood up to Hunter and they had an idea what kind of delusion Hunter had built to make lies and truth stick together and that was good, wasn't it?


The third day Hunter opened conversation by asking after Shane's family, and Shane damn near bolted. He stuck around and made small talk anyway, getting Hunter to share a few Academy stories of his own. Climbing upstairs an hour later, Shane had already almost managed to make himself forget that he played it normal and answered even before the panic response quieted.

Sensei was the only one in the control room. Shane didn't ask if he'd kicked everyone else out or if they'd excused themselves. He didn't want to know and anyway it didn't matter.

They'd come around in time.


His waking up with a screaming nightmare was becoming routine. So was Parker being the one to come. It was the first time Parker asked after what he'd heard, though.

"Who's Hunter?"

Shane stopped breathing, stopped moving.

"Was he – there, with you? You never mentioned him, but…"

It made an easy serve for a passable lie. "Yeah," Shane breathed out. "He's - Blake's brother, he – "

"Tori's boyfriend? I didn't know he has a brother."

"Yeah, his big brother." Shane shifted. "He was hurt. Worst of us." He hadn't even lied yet.

"Is he still unconscious?"

Shane nodded.

"I wish you'd talk more."

"It's been only a week, Parker. Can I put some distance in first?"

Parker hugged his shoulder briefly. "Obviously. But I'll have to return to San Diego soon, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you're not likely to talk to Mom or Dad."

Shane snorted quietly. "Sensei's keeping an eye out," he said after a moment. "He's cool."

"That's good." But Parker had never met Sensei, didn't know that he'd had years of handling post-mission ninjas behind him, and he didn't look all that convinced.


Blake turned out to be a good mediator. He was too miserable-looking for Cam to be terrible to, and he was working on reminding Tori that the Hunter who'd left the mesh of scars on her face – now nearly invisible to all but her – was a captive of sorts himself. Even Sensei was less heavy on their case once he was sure that they were talking at least to each other.

Blake did most of the talking. Shane felt odd, not really knowing anything about Hunter, and there could've been any of a dozen reasons why the usually-distant Blake would volunteer stories even without being prompted. Shane soaked in everything Blake would say and every little similarity between the two brothers, trying to build as complete a picture as he could.

Blake only asked a single question.

"If someone told me," he said, "That I'll have to go back there for a month but Hunter would be free, I'd sign up in a heartbeat. We're brothers, and when someone's been your only family for ten years then "normal" gets redefined. What I don't get is why you're putting yourself through this."

He didn't look at Shane like he was insane. He looked at him like he was dying.

"The day everything went to hell," Shane answered, the same answer he'd given to Sensei when he'd pushed, "When I thought that you were all dead, I almost broke then and there. It meant nothing mattered, anymore. I looked away. Hunter forced me to look. And I – I thought if I could get through to him, then it wouldn't be a complete loss. Then at least one other person got through. Afterwards I found out that you were still alive, but… I guess it got stuck in my head. I just can't give up on this one. I can't."

"That's a hell of a sense of duty."

Shane shrugged.

"Partial truths work better than lies, but you still need to get better at this."

"What the – "

The dry cynicism bled right through the practiced innocent charm of Blake's smile. "You Wind ninjas have been consorting with samurais for too long. Your school forgot how much of the Ninja Way is about lies and deceit. The earnestness is charming."

Shane scoffed and said, before thinking it through, "You two are brothers, all right."

"I mean it," said Blake.

He sounded genuine; Shane was experienced enough to think it was real, but he wouldn't have bet anything important on it.

"Tori's like that, too," Blake continued. "She hasn't got a clue how transparent she is, or how off-balance it makes me half the time."

"That," Shane told him, "Is the best idea I've heard in a really long time."


He hadn't known he used to square his shoulders and tuck his chin whenever the inner doors to Hunter's room slid open. He'd watched the vids in debriefing, and he hadn't noticed that, or how his throat muscles reacted differently to give his voice a slightly different cadence. He hadn't noticed any of the hundred ways he tried to communicate that this wasn't Lothor's prison until he had to not do any of that. The aborted gestures weren't the only thing Shane hadn't noticed – had refused to notice – before.

It didn't matter whose prison they were standing in if Hunter's eyes flicked over him like that, assessing, too quick for Shane to know what he saw and what he thought of it.

He felt sick to his stomach with Hunter's masked-with-cynicism delight over the beach ball.

"Only thing I could get Cam to declare harmless," Shane said. "I'm working on getting some crosswords through, but he seems to think there are twelve different ways to kill someone with a pen."

"Someone's been raised a ninja," said Hunter dryly. "Apparently good guys can brain also." He tossed Shane the ball. "C'mon, let's play catch."

The upside of playing catch was that it made them both laugh. The downside was that Shane tired easily.

"You have no stamina."

"And whose fault is that?"

Hunter shook his head. "Sit down, Shane."

"You think – "

"Don't be daft." And he put his hand on Shane's shoulder and pushed him down.

There were cameras covering every square inch of the room, and there were Sensei and the Rangers in the control room watching and half of them thought he was insane, and Hunter didn't have to apply more than the minimal initial pressure to get Shane to slide down the wall. It was just that he hadn't expected it –

But he didn't even complete that thought before Hunter settled next to him, mimicking his posture, so close that if Shane relaxed his shoulders they would touch. He hadn't been so close to Hunter since the rescue and Hunter hadn't touched him since Cam had woken both of them up, and he wanted nothing more than to put his head down on Hunter's shoulder as the portcullis of exhaustion slammed down and the past ten days caught up with him like a hit to the face.

He didn't breathe for a little more than three seconds as he resisted the urge.


Climbing the stairs back to the control room felt like crossing between worlds. He put his palm against the walls a few time, not so much to steady himself but to feel the rough solidness of it. He was tempted to stop for a moment and rest his head against the cool rock, but the guys had been known to track him upstairs and the habit of not giving them excess reasons to worry was already ingrained. He was probably in trouble already. Cam had kept his mouth shut about Shane having been found sleeping naked in Hunter's bed – as if Shane had known, as if Cam understood what it had been like – but if he'd been given reason to think things were going that way, well.

The control room was utterly silent as he stepped in. Sensei, the four other Rangers and Marah were all there. And they were all looking at him.

Shane shifted uncomfortably.

"That good-guys line," said Blake. "I couldn't be sure from the video. Do you think it was calculated, or real?"

Shane frowned, trying to recall what Blake was talking about.

"Right at the beginning," said Dustin. "You said something about Cam hating pens – "

Oh, that.

"I don't – " Cam began.

"I don't think he thought about it," said Shane. "So I guess it was real, yeah. Why?" he asked, as a perceptible ripple of excitement passed through the group by Cam's chair.

"Because," Blake said, a grin breaking over his face, "He referred to us as the good guys. And you and me both agree that it wasn't just to humor you. Which means this is the first real breakthrough."

It wasn't that he didn't understand what Blake was saying, what made Dustin grin and Marah sniff a little. He did. He was just so tired. It was his idea and his plan and finally they believed him, but it was weirdly hard to remember why it mattered so much.

Tori got up. She, like the others, was glowing, and it was the most she'd looked like herself since the nightmare started. Her steps were small, almost hesitant – was it she who was afraid, or did she think he'd startle? – but then she hugged him with full force, first time she'd reached unreservedly to anyone since the return, and Shane swallowed a shudder and hugged her back just as fierce.

It almost made it worth it.


He didn't like school. At least Dustin was happier, so many hours a day of seeing people to be taken as if for granted.


Parker had to return to San Diego two days after the return to school. He'd seen Shane off in the morning, but he wasn't going to be there in the evening. Walking to the bus stop that morning was like climbing a rock for the third day straight without a pause. Someone was going to die if he left, if he allowed Parker to leave: it wasn't true but knowing that only made it possible to get to the stop, to get on the bus and bite his lip, but it wasn't enough to undo the dread.


He had never liked school and he liked it even less with half the people treating him as if he was made of glass. It wasn't even real, just one big dollhouse for people who had no idea keeping an eye on so many other people who will never have an idea, and he was so angry with the pointless waste of time. He considered ditching classes, but making it through turned out to be just another thing meditation could be good for.

Shane's list of things meditation made sufferable was getting pretty long.

He did his best to get back to the way things were: pass notes in class, talk to people on recess and punch shoulders in jest. Sometimes he was in the moment and that was great, even if things were weird and uncomfortable. Most of the time it was like watching from a corner within his head, and Hunter's voice ran a commentary. He'd ignore him, except that Hunter was usually right and listening to him made it easier to handle situations.

It meant more lies, but that just meant he had some room to breathe in.


Cam consented to kid-safe markers, Shane sat next to Hunter and did the crosswords with him and only Sensei and Blake bothered to supervise the monitors. It could have been all good; it looked that way most of the time, except for those moments the walls felt so close that all Shane had to do with reach out and touch them, or when Hunter smiled at him and it was pointless to try and hide from the people who knew you that well.

Just like hitting walls was. It gave you bruises and wasted energy and walls never budged. The worst of it was that if you kept hitting the wall long enough you grew so tired that you leaned on it for support. That having your back against a wall was a good thing had given Shane a few hours of headache in Lothor's prison. Then he was just glad that he had something solid to hold on to.

Talking to Hunter, arguing over the way things had happened and what were washable markers washable from, made him look for something to steady himself. So did anything he was doing, if he thought about it. The safest thing to do was to keep going and never ever touch anything, even if it was freefalling most of the time. Shane had seen for a moment what resting felt like and if he ever let go it would be game over.

He had enough will to not reach out. When Hunter put his hand on Shane's shoulder and spun him so they faced Shane forgot that the doors were only a couple of feet behind him and a few steps would get him away. Hunter wasn't even holding him strongly: just a touch, just an absolute reminder that he was there.

There was no thinking with Hunter this close. Shane couldn't step aside or look away. Hunter was closing the distance, so slowly, and all Shane felt was a mix of resignation and excitement.

But the walls were stone, and daylight was coming in through a shaft, and –

He didn't move his lips and he said it quietly as he could, so that it wouldn't be picked up: "Sensei's in the control room."

Hunter barely showed an acknowledgement of the warning except the faintest amusement in his eyes, the lightest twitch of the curve of his mouth. He leaned in almost as if there hadn't been a change in plans, laying his cheek against Shane's.

He whispered something and the words took forever to decipher because that was Hunter's mouth right by his ear, Hunter's breath warm and moist on his skin.

"All right, then."


Blake was the only one in the control room. There was no question as to whether he'd seen, and whether he'd understood. Blake was good at masking his emotions, but Shane had been learning from someone better. The only question was whether or not Sensei had seen.

"Oh, Sensei left earlier," Blake said as Shane's eyes flicked around the room, and Shane knew that earlier meant before. "Going outside?"

"Yeah."

Going outside was routine. Cam was slightly less paranoid than he'd been, but he wasn't going to make Ninja Ops's surveillance less airtight anytime soon.

Blake put a considerable distance between them and the bunker's entrance before turning around and yelling at Shane, "What the hell was that, Shane?"

Shane let him rave on. Blake was the one person who wouldn't turn in him in. Blake wanted his brother back and Shane was still the only person with a better chance than a snowball in hell, and telling anyone would ruin that.

"Shane?" Blake sounded young all of a sudden, and afraid, and it made Shane collect himself enough to pay attention.

"Yeah," he said. His voice sounded rough and bruised. "Sorry."

Blake was young, which was easy to forget. The youngest of them. God, he was letting them all down –

Blake hugging him was completely unexpected. Shane had no idea what to do with that, and for a few moments of airtime he couldn't even manage the instinctive reaction of hugging Blake back. Then, gradually, Shane began to feel things again and he reached up and held on.

When Blake pulled back his face was wet. He looked at Shane searchingly and his expression relaxed the tiniest bit. "Okay, at least you look like yourself again. Don't scare me like that again."

"What, I didn't, earlier?"

"No, you didn't." Blake was earnest. "You looked like – " He made an aborted gesture with his hand, fear flicking across his expression. "Don't scare me like that again," he repeated.

"Kind of hard when I don't know what's coming."

"Shane, I rewatched that five times in the time it took you to get upstairs. You could've stepped back. You could've –"

"No, I really couldn't." He shouldn't admit that.

"Yeah, that's what worrying me," Blake told him. "Hunter can get in people's heads even without the props, and you're just his type."

This startled Shane. "What?"

Blake's lips tightened. "He always picks the one that'll put up the most fight. Couple of weeks later they're wrapped around his finger, and a week after that he dumps them. He's been doing it since he realized he could." Watching Blake's expression was like watching a tower crumble. "Shane – tell me you're not actually in love with him."

Shane looked away.

Blake shook him and Shane batted off his hand without thinking.

"You can't let him win," Blake said hotly. "If you are – if you really are – then you mustn't let him win."

There, like that: another serve for another excuse. "It doesn't work like that," said Shane. He knew his weariness was audible. "It's not sum-zero. We're both winning or we're both losing. And I'm not going to lose."

Blake looked at him for a long moment. "I really hope so."


Hunter didn't try again. He didn't have to. He could end the game whenever he wanted and they both knew it. It seemed to be enough for Hunter, who was content to not tease Shane anymore.

It seemed to Shane that this was worse than having to turn away time and time again.

The others kept finding signs of Hunter edging closer to remembering. Shane nodded if it was believable and shrugged if it was far-fetched. Blake didn't ask for his opinion anymore, but no one seemed to notice. They were happy with the perceived progress.

There was no reason for Shane to do it. No reason at all. He could've made an excuse or a few if he needed to but the people who knew to ask never did. He had no reason to justify it to himself, he just said, "Let me tell you this story just one more time," and Hunter had to have seen – of course – because he stayed right where he was and only stretched his legs forward, and Shane lay down on his back and put his head in Hunter's lap. Hunter's hands settled on him, one hand on his head and one on his arm and Shane closed his eyes.

This was peace. He'd forgotten.

He started with being late, getting their asses kicked and being threatened with expulsion by Sensei. He'd always begun the story at a later point but well, this was different. He told of the elderly couple and their car, and the Academy being gone. Finding Cam in the rubble; the morphers. He skimmed over the early aliens to Dustin skipping practice to show up at Storm Chargers with new friends in tow. He didn't tell of the next few days like he now knew they had happened but the way it had all seemed then, naïve, a series of coincidences, until they stepped into Ninja Ops to find their rival Rangers were already there and Hunter and Blake had revealed their identities.

He went through every little detail of the chase up the mountain, Cam freaking out and Tori's guilt and Shane so busy keeping it all together that there wasn't even room to know how worried sick he was, and only very little room for anger. The cave, the awe at the ghosts, terror at Lothor's presence, Hunter reacting faster than anyone and saving the day.

Tori pining for Blake for two weeks.

Crushing disappointment as the Thunder zords showed up to help the other side.

He would've given up on them if not for Tori.

The chase across the island, realizing that something was terribly wrong and that Tori was right –

Relief like a new skateboard flip when the memory warp broke –

And the goddamn beam shooting out of the sky and Hunter pushing Blake out of the way and Choobo and they'd lost Hunter. Trying to handle Blake at first, and the frustrating and scared hours of the search until they finally ran into him, and Blake willingly demorphing –

Hunter's hand in his hair stilled. Shane paused. There was nothing more to tell, anyway. Hunter knew what came after. Shane opened his eyes.

Hunter was leaning down, and Shane had no intention of moving.

Neither of them knew that Cam and Blake had been at the door for half that time, and that Sensei had just ordered them in.

Hunter's pupils constricted suddenly and Shane knew something was wrong even before Hunter's back arched– Shane had to get back up fast as Hunter's knees rose – head slamming into the wall as he screamed.

And screamed.

And when he fell silent, there was no doubt that he knew.

It was probably a good thing that Blake and Cam were there. In those moments Shane was still too much in shock to question their presence, and later, already knowing the answer, he never asked; they didn't bring it up either. He'd seen Tori and Dustin arriving – only Dustin would just run up and reach for Hunter when even Blake barely dared – and then Shane left and wandered the hallways until the first bathroom he found.

It was Marah who found him there, crying.