Dreamland
Face down in the dirt….
She says "This doesn't hurt"
She says……
Do you feel like a man?
When I was a little girl I used to have the same dream every night. I'd wake up in a fever pitch of sound and color. Fading noise and emotions colliding and coinciding in my head. Slowly dying, fading like the last refrains of a song; until I realized that I was awake and not still floating in dreamland.
The funny thing is I could never recall what the dream was about. Every night the same dream, though. I'd jerk awake and sit up in bed sweating, clutching at my bedcovers. Panting and scared. But I could never remember the dream. Only that it terrified me, and that it was the same dream every night.
Now I'm like that kind of.
Floating along down the village street. Shouldering past a man in a too big straw hat. Ducking to avoid the road rage of a roly-poly woman pushing a vendor's cart of flowers.
My body is on auto pilot. My feet just moving, without much thought. Steering me towards the destination I get up and walk to every morning. Only this morning I feel different.
I feel the breeze.
I feel like light, like a bird.
Like I can just spread my arms and take off. Like I'm walking through a dream world and all the faces I see are smiling. And everything is clean. Pristine. Nice.
I feel the sunshine. I feel like sunshine. The sky is so blue. It must have cleaned out it's eyes especially, just to look down on me today. I feel like humming. I feel like singing. I feel like biting my lip so an outburst of sunshine won't come spilling out of my mouth and gushing down my chin. I don't want to let it out. I need to keep it all for my self. It's mine.
I feel happy.
I feel Kakashi's lips on my skin. I feel his hands exploring me. As if searching for gold in my dirt. I feel his soft tongue in my mouth. Breathing into me. Making me want to be. To live. I feel like I can still feel his warmth all over me. Shielding me. Protecting me from Asuma. From everything I'm too afraid to admit needing protection from.
I taste him on my own tongue. Feel a tiny spark in the pit of my stomach. A little electricity that I grown accustomed to associating with him. Like a grove of fireflies suddenly bursting into light in the dark bowels of my intestine. I feel so many things all at once. I feel like a scribble. A moving frenzied blob of crazy lines and motion. Content to just float around. Head in the clouds.
Dreaming.
Dreaming.
Dreaming.
And it's funny. Because a few weeks ago I didn't even know Kakashi. He was just a distant co worker. We'd nod politely if we chanced to pass by each other or somehow come into vague contact.
I'd always found him a little strange. He reminded me of a snowman. Frosty. Cold. Distant. May' be it was the hair.
But then…there was that fight with Asuma a few weeks ago. A notion becoming more and more frequent. He's been snapping like an atom bomb lately. Kakashi had noticed me crying behind a tree on the training field and taken me to a local tavern.
He sat me down at the bar. After I told him my troubles he called Asuma every curse I had ever heard of and even some I hadn't. He sat a little too close to me and I can remember picking up his scent that first time. He always smelled good, masculine, spicy even. May' be like cinnamon. Iced over sticky buns spread out on the kitchen table the Summer I turned ten years old.
He listened to me talk about my small world. Told me crazy stories about his crazy childhood. Made me laugh. And no one had ever quite gotten me the way he did. That first night I saw something in him. Something a little sad. Or may' be a little wild. But definitely beautiful.
We'd had four, five, ten drinks too many. And then we had stumbled drunken, tripping over each other and laughing into my empty apartment.
And loved the troubles off of each other on the living room floor.
Afterwards he'd carried me to the bedroom, bumping into unfamiliar furniture, sometime during the night. And I woke up to him the next morning as if I did it every morning. And now I do.
And I thought that may' be I could….no. As it turned out there was Anko. His undercover bride, but…..no. I can't think about her now. Not while I'm holding on to Kakashi and feeling so good. I only want him. And those images. And that warmth. And that security.
Asuma will shatter me.
I was supposed to meet him yesterday night. But there was Kakashi. And when I was lost inside Kakashi my phone rang. I am almost certain it was Asuma calling. He called twice. Heavy, impatient trills. Shrieking. Warning. Then Kakashi had simply climbed off of me, wrenched the whole thing from the wall and climbed back on.
Thinking about that now I smile. I still feel may'be a little invincible.
But I'm going to be late for work if I don't hurry, though. I walk faster. Pump my arms and legs.
Today the village looks so colorful. I feel the breeze sting my skin. Remember fire and passion and heat of another kind. And I can't be stopped.
I'm smiling even as I reach the training field. Even as I see Asuma standing there. He's like a gladiator under the tree at the edge of the field where it all started. I've come full circle. Asuma's legs are slightly spread. Arms folded. Prepared to go off for battle. For me.
Cigarette, the love of his life hangs from his burly lips. He blows gray lazy loops like crop circles into the air. Staining the blue. The grey smoke color momentarily reminds me of Kakashi.
But only momentarily because Asuma's eyes are locked on me like homing missiles. His face is like darkness. His eyes so black. Tar colored quick sand. No light daring to creep close enough to his face to shed some gentility.
I feel my stomach drop down to my feet. Fear, unbridled and unwanted grabs the base of my spine and shakes me. I've never seen him so angry before. For a moment I want to turn around and walk back the way I came. But he's already spotted me. And I know somehow if I turn and run he'll come right after me.
For some reason this thought chills me to the bone.
My mind is racing my heart. Trying to see which one can explode first. And Asuma is just standing there. Planted like a statue. Rooted like a tree. His eyes are glued to me. He watches me carefully, never taking those quick sand pits away from my face. Smoking calmly. I can smell the tobacco, now.
He's watching me so closely I almost trip over nothing and fall. Blowing smoke. Billows become ribbons in the sky. Dark grey halos over his head.
I come face to face with Asuma and stop. And he just stands there staring at me. No one else has made it to the training field yet. I'm alone with him. And it's so quiet. Quiet as a cemetery. My heart is screaming. I can hear it jumping around in my chest. Looking for an escape route. I'm sure Asuma can hear it.
His eyes are so clear. On my face. Watching me like I might do something spectacular. Freezing me so that I can't. Can't move. Can't think. I can stare back. Lazy smoke clouds. The smell washes over me like a tobacco tidal wave. Thick plumes somehow make their way into my lungs. But I'm too afraid to cough. My eyes start watering. And I want him to say something so badly. Anything to fill the emptiness.
Asuma won't speak. I rub my arm. Tug down on my sleeve where I know a lip shaped hickey is hiding underneath. Right across my wrist. Just to keep myself from spontaneous combustion I say
"Asuma, I…."
"Shut-up"
His voice comes out sharp. A bark like that of a pit bull. Authoritative. Shocking me into silence. His stare hardens. His eyes normally brown are now so dark they look black as coal. So dark and angry. My mouth goes dry. I don't want to look at him. Can't look away.
Asuma says "Where were you last night?"
I blink. Realize I have no excuse. "I'm sorry." I say. Stammering to get it out. Trying to make sense of the words in my brain, now. Make sure it all comes out right.
My mouth is jelly, now.
My tongue feels like a rock, now.
Asuma is a snake, now.
His voice low, venomous, treacherous. Warning 'don't cross me'. Don't cross me….
He enunciates every word. "Where. Were. You?"
"Home." I say. I look at him. Look him in the eyes. It's partly true.
He doesn't seem to have heard. His expression hasn't changed. I don't think he heard me. But then he says. "I called you four times." Gritting his teeth. I feel so small. I say "I was asleep."
His face softens. He says "Oh." I relax. I sigh. It's okay. He's okay. Not mad. He doesn't know about me and Kakashi.
I smile at him a little. Relieved.
Asuma hits me.
Hard.
And fast.
So fast I can't block it. I don't see it coming. His fist connects with my eye. I think I fly. I see a halo of stars. Dancing lights behind my eye. I can't open it.
Asuma is standing over me. Towering down on me. Blocking out the sun. I can't move. I can't think. My brain hurts. My head hurts. I realize there are tears on my cheeks. My chest heaves. I'm crying. I can't open my eye. Asuma growls at me. Low. Guttural.
"Whenever I call you, you better pick up the phone. You hear me?!" he thunders. His voice sounds weird. My ears are ringing. I can't speak. I can't respond. He moves for me again. I reach up a weak hand to fend him off, but he grabs me by the hair and yanks me up so hard I can feel a fire spreading in my scalp. Feel it burn me up.
He pulls me into him and slams his fist into my stomach. All the air leaves my body in a whoosh. My knees buckle. I grab out for support. My hands clap his vest. He shoves me off. And I'm on my back in the grass.
I taste blood on my lips. Foul. Metallic.
I can't move. It hurts so bad. It hurts. I wish I had the strength. To fight him. To hit him back. Like I've hit countless foes. Numberless enemies. But I can't. I can't hit him. I can't. And it hurts so bad.
I feel myself lift up and out of me. Fading consciousness. In and out. Asuma's voice warped through the ringing in my ears. I can hear myself sobbing. I wish I could float up, now. Float out into that dreamland, now.
Safe.
Distant.
Warm.
Asuma says "Get-up!"
I can't.
"Kurenai, get up. "
I feel his hands on me again. I'm not strong enough to push him off. He grabs my wrists and pulls me to my feet. The darkness has left his eyes. They're brown again. His cigarette is gone, but I don't know where it went. I feel so hollow. It hurts. He puts his hands in his pockets. His voice sounds tired, now. His features look empty.
He says "The students are coming."
I don't argue. He's still holding my wrists. I can't let him expose me. Somehow in the twisting eye of this storm of pain I manage to tug my sleeve down farther. He says "Go get yourself cleaned up. " And pushes me towards the academy building.
On inertia I walk. Because I can't stop. Or I'll fall apart. Because I can't stop or the pain will swallow me up like a hungry bear. And I wish I was dreaming. I wish I was finally learning the details of that faint recurring dream. I wish I was
Floating.
And dreaming,
And floating.
And dreaming.
I really enjoyed writing this piece. I'm trying to get into the details of the story line. Making the plot thicken. Yeah. malicious smile. For those of you who didn't get the clues Kakashi and Anko are married. And Kurenai and Asuma are not. .. Also special thanks to kushi13, 19bLuEoRaNgE9, silver-eyed, and anyone else who reviewed this story asking for continuations. My memory is shaky so if I left anybody out don't hate me. Look for more coming soon! I'll be sure to post……when I post….muahahahaha.
