Verdict
Justify, your secrecies that surmise your cries
I see the way you look around the bend
is it going to end, when?
When you change your mind is it going to end?
Kakashi is wrapped in cellophane bags of skin that just barely hold him together. And here in front of the dragon breather herself, the flame spitter, Lady Tsunade, he is falling apart. I know that he drinks. I know this, but somehow the specimen I'm focusing on beneath this harsh new microscope is clearer. Different. New. This is different. This red eyed, dry lipped creature, hands folded in front of himself the way a scalded dog tucks his tail between his legs is someone I have never seen before. He's silent as if trying to make it seem like he's being natural. The really scary thing is that the harder I look at him, the closer I get, noting the lines beginning to clearly carve out his face; bitter premature hooks digging into his flesh, the clearer it becomes to me that this is how he always is. In fact if it wasn't for the thick sticky sweet smell of a too early morning sake wafting off of his every breath, you'd think he was just being quiet and humble and docile. Perhaps on the verge of a witty click of the tongue if time allows or if those bedroom eyes saw fit. You would think he's just being himself.
Well, may'be he is.
Tsunade's pacing around her desk is the only thing that keeps me from thinking too hard for too long. Her forehead is creased , the pure yellow ripples in those almost hazel eyes shine like golden bullets in direct sunlight filtered through the blinds dressing her window. She doesn't say anything to anybody just keeps pacing, while somewhere somebody's got a fan going that churns and whirs a steady rhythm.
Next to me Kakashi has a bead of sweat sliding down his face near the corner of his eye, and through the fabric of his mask I can see him biting his lip. Which would otherwise have been a very stimulating sight if we were not right here right now.
And someone might have force fed me my heart for breakfast this morning, because it feels like it has come up in my throat and is sliding against the empty expanse at the back of my mouth, threatening to spill out balanced on my tongue as if presented on a fleshy pink platter. A hot rush of furious bile washes up against my teeth and I lurch forward, but will myself not to vomit.
Kakashi's eyes slide towards me and I realize there's more moisture scaling his high cheekbones, but now I'm not sure if it's sweat. Or.... "Hello."
The door behind us opens up and Asuma says this when he comes in.
Time has stopped. He's here. He's actually here, he knows. I have stopped. Existence seems a futile beating of broken wings tangled in the barbs of Asuma's steady gaze as he lumbers towards us. I'm going to be sick, I have to throw up. I....I'm going to die.
Asuma licks his chapped lips, which is just an old habit of his. He stands almost next to Kakashi, who balls his hands into deft fists at his side. I reach out and touch his curled fingers gently, but they are hot as iron rods sterilized over a flame. And Asuma is looking at us, so I let go.
Tsunade clears her throat. "Well, so nice to have all of you here today." she says, and finally stops pacing, putting her hands down on her desk and facing us with the ghost of a smile riding her lips. "Nice to be here, Miss Hokage." says Asuma. I can't move myself to say anything. Kakashi is staring a side long glance at Asuma's throat like he could slice clean through the meat and bone with his eyes. There's that nauseated feeling again. I swoon.
And Asuma looks up at Kakashi as if charged by the stare. For a second I lose all of the breath in my body and the two men stare at each other. Then after what seems like years, oddly Kakashi breaks into the faintest of smiles. His eyes crinkle into crescents and then he looks away. Asuma keeps on staring.
"Order in the court." Tsunade snarls even though nobody other than Asuma has said anything yet, and nobody has done anything yet. I feel like I should slide between them land make a sandwich pushing them farther apart, but then Tsunade keeps on talking, saying "I bet you all want to know why I've called you here with this ungodly spontaneity." And my lungs get smaller and smaller in my chest. I can feel the color draining from my face in torrents like the shells of hard candies that have been left out in the rain to be reduced to their bone white skeletons and runny chocolate centers.
I can feel Kakashi's eyes pressing my cheek, but I don't dare look at him. The fingers on one of his hands twitches and I know without having to inquire that he's resisting that unknown force between us that pushes us to reach out for one another. There's a sort of hollow comfort that settles like a fine dust in the pit of my stomach. But then Tsunade opens her mouth again and blows it all away.
She says "There's a mission."
I wait for the world to curl against itself and bowl over. I wait for the sky to fall, and the building to shake, and the windows to break it all in to collapse-able rubble that will bury our bones. I wait for Asuma to turn to me snarling teeth carved out for blood, blood red eyes of fury pinned to Kakashi's face. I wait for them to curse and fight. I wait to die. I wait. And then realize.
"A what?! A mission?!" I squeak.
Tsunade stops whatever sentence she had been saying and turns to me mouth half open over the next letter. A brief streak of irriation lights up her face. "Yes, Kurenai. A mission. You know? Those things shinobi go on?" she quips, her eyebrows shooting up towards the creases in her hair line like bullets pressed into upside down V's.
I nod quickly and she's staring at me like I've lost it. But it's not enough to be embarrassed. It's relief. Hot, sweet, pure relief that floods over me. And suddenly I'm floating upstream. I'm high finding constellations again. I fold my arms around myself to keep from touching Kakashi and pulling him in to me and gluing our good fortune to his skin with my lips.
I look over at him, but he's practiced. And the bored look hangs from his face, a carefully polished second mask. Now that I think about it when it really counts, I've never seen a slip of that mask. When I look at Kakashi it's Asuma's eyes that stare back at me over Kakashi's shoulder, cool brown and knowing nothing. I smile at him, a genuine grin that creeps up and unfolds like the arm petals of an opening flower. Instead of smiling back he looks surprised.
Tsunade keeps talking, but I can't get my brain to listen to a word she says. My ears keep ringing with the unspoken words: free, blameless. And even now my body tingles with the thought of Kakashi's waiting somewhere to take me in the dim future. I get to share in that again, and almost instantly I feel the fires of the familiar insatiable hunger pushing against my ribs. And I can put past me Kakashi's red rimmed eyes and the bone deep smell of sake because he'd been only worried. But now there's no need for that. Now there's only the effort we need to produce this...to keep this...this beautiful evil a secret. Beautiful evil. So beautiful he's
"Kurenai, is that clear?" asks Tsunade. I snap back, can practically hear my thoughts crunch against each other like the fierce recoil on an elastic rubberband. Suddenly the present comes spinning back into focus, and the room comes to me, and the floorboards beneath my feet, and the bodies next to mine. And I'm grounded and suddenly staring face to face with Tsunade and the expectant twitch at the corner of her mouth.
"I'm sorry, what was that?" I ask. Tsunade sighs and her eyelids slide closed and stick. She pinches the frown lines that peek their heads above the bridge of her nose, and holds out her hand. From somewhere I had never noticed before, the black haired assistant appears harboring the fat bellied pig to her body and reluctantly puts a glass of some clear strong smelling liquid in the Hokage's ready grasp.
"Thank you, Shizune." Tsunade murmurs. "That's the fourth one today, and it's only just past noon." comes the reply, which Tsunade snatches and drops into the glass that she tilts to her mouth, throwing it all down her throat to swallow it whole. When she resurfaces she sighs, and the red cracks appearing in her eyes speak for her when she says "I'll say it again one last time. Kurenai, this mission was originally designed for Asuma, Kakashi, and Anko. But it seems that Anko's been really sick as of late. So I thought to get a replacement: you. I feel that you're more than capable, but I can't allow you to forget how important it is that you do your best. I don't expect you all to head out for another month or so however, considering the situation so that should give you plenty of time to get prepared. You can't screw this up, understood?"
Anko, sick? But that's impossible.....I make the mistake of looking at Kakashi, but he doesn't react to this either. Couldn't be true though. I just saw them a couple of days ago in the bathroom. Just saw them k.....never mind. "Understood." I say. "Good." Lady Tsunade exclaims exasperated. She turns her back on us then, and waves us off. "That's all for now. Get out of my office."
She couldn't make me stay.
But outside Asuma corners me. Kakashi hangs back and Asuma bombards me with his arms tight around my waist. He leans into me, his face close to mine and I almost feel guilty when he smiles. "What was with that smile in there? Happy to see me?" he asks me teasingly. "Yes...something like that." I manage to choke out. And there's a split second before our lips meet that I steal a glance at Kakashi. And see the fury. In his eyes. In his hands. In his face. All over his body. Permeating thick through the air surrounding him even, so that if I got too close I'd choke on it.
I want to pull away from Asuma. My muscles tense and I almost do it, but then his lips crash into mine. I close my eyes tight and his mouth moves over mine. And when I feel his lips parting more, inviting and his grip sliding lower I pull away mumble something about shyness and PDA and pat his shoulder; which feels awkward, but right now I just need to. Because I feel dirty. Like pill bugs are crawling beneath my skin,burrowing down deep and getting comfortable. "Ka......Asuma. Later okay, baby?"
"Much later." Asuma says. And he winks, and I smile hoping he doesn't see the repulsion forming cracks at the corners of my eyes and my smile. He looks back Kakashi some nonverbal salute, then he turns and walks away. And I walk over to Kakashi and watch him watching Asuma. "Are you okay?" asks Kakashi, his eyes still glued to Asuma's retreating back. "Yes." I say. I take his hand and kiss his fingertips and when he looks down at me and smiles, I feel like myself. I feel the natural order and the natural balance of things clicking back into place. And the picture is whole and complete once again. "What would I do without you?" I say to myself down to his long lovely fingers.
"I think we shouldn't see each other, anymore."says Kakashi.........................
"WHAT?!" The word comes out and the question mark behind it is the only thing that's holding me up and keeping me from splintering down the middle, because may'be there's an answer. Kakashi takes my hands and looks directly into my face. And his facial expression is carefully put together. And his mouth glides easily over the rehearsed words. But his fingers are gripping mine so tightly that my knuckles are burned white and through it all his hands shake.
"At least not for a while, Kurenai. Think about it. Jiraiya caught us. He knows and he's close to Tsunade. Of course we've got something on him too, but which of us do you think Lady Tsunade is more apt to believe. We need to lay low. Think about Asuma." he says, when he's really saying think about Anko. I love her and what will she do if she finds out? Especially now that she's sick.
And my mouth moves, but no sound comes out. All I can do is stare into his face, and in his eyes hoping there's some kind of pain there that mirrors my own. But there's nothing there. At least not in his face. His hands keep shaking. "I'm not saying goodbye. That's not what this is. Because Kurenai, right now I....want you....I..." he pauses and the mask slips. And the face behind it is uncertain and pained like a kid's. Like a little boy.
"I need you. Do...you...do you need me too?"
"Yes, yes. I need you." I say. I nod furiously. "I need you." I touch his face. His cheeks. His lips. Just to feel his skin. To prove to myself that he is real. That this has all been real, because if what he' saying is true then the last few months of my life, the best few months of my life, will virtually disappear. They'll turn their backs and go off and sit down in the empty room where all of the memories go, live and laugh and exchange stories, but they'll cease to mean anything to me.
Then it hits me. I love him. I want to say it. I love you. I love you. I want to say it. But if I do, what will happen? If I say it to him and his perfect face, and his perfect body, and his beautiful mind and soul and that smile. That smile....
"Kakashi." I beg. "One month." says Kakashi. "One month. We lie low for the one month it takes you to prepare to for the mission. Do you think you could? As soon as the mission starts." "We can be together agin." I say. "Yes." says Kakashi uncertainly. Then he nods and says it firmly again. "Yes. Do you think you could?" I don't really have a choice do I? Because then the cloth mask goes down. Then, he kisses me with a passion that sends me up in flames.
And I taste the hunger on his tongue. And I can hear the desire in his heart beat racing mine. And his arms hug me so tightly for so long, his hands stroking my hair, so that if I close my eyes and give myself up to it I think we might have something a little more than lust here. Love. Or something like it. Or at least may'be we will in a month's time or so. If I can survive that long without him.
There you have it. Unexpected twist, I hope??? A little seperation and AH! a mission coming up. So expect some action hehehe, among other things. ^.^
