Chapter IX
The moonlight hits his face at such an angle that only half of his features are illuminated. The other half is dark…mysterious, secretive. His eyes are staring blindly at the window. They see nothing, yet they are fogged over with wisdom, and pain. Silky black strains flood over white pillows and equally pale skin. I've never studied my brother for so long. Maybe I'm hoping by staring at him I will figure him out. Understand him…understand myself. Most of all I might learn what it is that I'm fighting. Who my real enemy is. Itachi? Madara? Or…myself.
I don't understand who's lying, in this confusing game I can't trust anyone not even myself. It's not only that I know Madara is still looking for me, for some reason. It's not only the fact that I can't bring myself to kill my brother. It's about more then that. It's about me…and trying to find out who I am and what path I should take. Suddenly every time I look at Itachi I see him as weak...something that I need to protect. A trophy I must polish…it's almost a loving feeling. That's why, I usually end up mentally abusing my brother instead. Calling him a whore, a murder, and worthless…I'm afraid of this protective feeling. I'm afraid that Itachi really does care for me…and that everything that I'm fighting for (and fought for) is meaningless. So I convince myself that he must be lying, or manipulating me; so I lash out. However with every attack, I become guilty…and I stare at Itachi wondering what secret he keeps. And why he believes he must keep these secrets.
Itachi's health has gotten worse, he's completely bed ridden, and hardly eats anything. I usually end up force feeding him. Though I learned to be a little bit more gentle, since the first couple of time I forced Itachi to eat, he only threw it back up. He's truly sick, and I have no idea why.
"What are you thinking about, little brother?" Itachi's cool voice floats to me. I blink and lower my gaze; the question is annoying. Mainly because if I were to tell him what I'm thinking about him, he would twisted it around. I know he will…and it scares me…
"I'm...thinking about many things," I say vaguely.
Itachi closes his eyes, he looks very tired; though it's rather early in the evening. I get up and walk to Itachi's bedside. I look down at him, and he opens his eyes again.
"Why won't you ever tell me anything?" I find myself snapping.
"I've told you why I'm ill.." he mutters out. He hasn't really, or at least not clearly.
"I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about Madara…about everything!"
"I believe you know the answer…" Itachi whispers out. I stare at him with anger in my eyes. No, I don't know, nor do I understand. In order to know, I must understand. So why doesn't he explain? What is he protecting me from? My fist clenches tightly, and I let out a calming breath. I sit down on the edge of his bed. I've moved him to a comfortable bed, out of pity, since he is so very sick. I don't want to lose my temper with Itachi anymore, and I don't want to play this game either. Ever since the last time I punished him I've limited myself to only using verbal attacks. I do not like to think about that night…
It's not that Itachi didn't deserve to be put in his place…it's just…I'm not sure. That night is just something I try not to dwell on. My skin tingles a little, and I try to change the subject in my mind. I think about Madara, I haven't heard anything from him. Still I wonder what he wants from me.
I sit in silence, and watch Itachi. Something within me keeps me by his side. He closes his eye, not necessarily to sleep. I keep to myself. I don't want to talk to Itachi, yet I refuse to leave his side. It's because he's ill, and I do not want him to die unless I kill him. He must over come this sickness, and I'll make sure he does.
My eyes become heavy as I continue contemplating about my brother. Who is he? Is he Itachi, or my aniki? What is he to me? I do not know anymore. I gaze at Itachi's flawless face, and pure white skin. I shake my head, and shut my own eyes, so I do not have to look at his beauty. Everything about my brother tortures me. I feel out of place and lost. Even when I sit here and try to figure things out, I still find no answer…I still don't know my place. However I do know Itachi's place, beneath me. That's why I hold on to my hate…that's why Itachi cannot be my anaki again. My hate for him is the only thing I have left. Yet I wonder if I even have a reason to hate him. Of course I could be angry with him for killing our clan, or I could be sour at him because he's keeping secrets. However every time he speaks, it sounds like he has good reasons for all his actions. He sounds sincere...No he can't be sincere. Why would he want to protect me? He's only playing with my mind. That is what he does, he makes you question yourself. He makes you forget your own path and follow the one he's laid out for you. I never wanted to follow his path…yet in the end it looks like I've played into his hand. Or maybe I haven't, after all I haven't killed him yet. He was counting on death, yes, so that is the one thing that I will not let him have. Because, once he dies…I fear I might play into his hand again.
I feel a hand stroking my hair. I open my eyes and see a blanket covering a chest. I look up to find my brother's face. I shoo away his hand. "Don't' touch me," I tell him. His hand withdraws, and I sit up. I must have fallen asleep at his bedside.
I sit up and look at my brother, whose blind eyes see nothing. "You can be so gentle…you touch me with the same hands that killed our family. You have a lot of nerve." I'm not really angry with him, however I feel like I must be harsh with him; least I lose myself to that gentle touch.
"You're so childish, in your bitterness," Itachi seems to almost smile. However his face stays blank.
"Childish?" I question. "Look at yourself, with your secrets and justification. You're weak, and useless, just like a child." I retort. Itachi coughs, and my angry frown relaxes. I get up and head for the door, so that I may get him some food.
"Sasuke," Karin comes up to me. I'm in no mood for her nonsense. However when I look into her eyes I see worry.
"What is it?" I probe.
"Someone is approaching…very slowly. They might not know our exact location…but they are close," She explains.
"I'll take care of it." I tell her. I then go to Juugo, however he's not in his room. I walk down the stone steps that lead to the Hot Springs, and still the boy isn't there. I don't have time to look for him, Itachi will just have to do without breakfast. I walk towards the exit, and see a figure. I become tense, but ease my stance when I notice that it's Juugo.
He turns towards me as I approach. "There is one…the birds say so," he mutters out. I look at him closely, and notice the birds off in a near by tree.
"Can you feed my brother?" I question. Juugo nods, and slowly retreats back into our hideout.
I walk out slowly into the forest. I look around and listened to the leaves…or any unnatural sounds. Then I take to the tree branches and go searching for the intruder. However I find no one. I drop down to the ground, and look for a sign that anyone was here. I highly doubt that Karin would send me out for no reason.
"Hello Sasuke," I turn around to come face to face with Madara.
I unsheathe my sword, and point it at the older Uchiha. "No need for that," he tells me.
"I'll be the judge of that."
"Now Sasuke, you should trust me. I'm here to open your eyes. Don't you want to know what your brother is hiding?"
I eye Madara suspiciously. This is some sort of trick, I know it, however my curiosity tells me to listen. I lower my sword, but keep it at my side, ready for anything.
"That's more like it," He says, and takes a step towards me. I step back. "I'm sure you've come to distrust your brother greatly. You assume everything he tells you is a lie." I do not react, but keep my face blank so that he won't be able to read any of my emotions. However he is correct, and I would like nothing more then to know what Itachi is 'protecting' me from. However how can I trust that what Madara is going to tell me is the truth? After all he must be planing something. Maybe he wants me to turn against Itachi, maybe he wants me to hand my brother over. I won't fall for any tricks. I'll take his information, and think about it. Think about if it could really be the truth. No matter what…I won't seek him out.
"Itachi…is a weak soul." My fist clenches. "He sacrificed his clan for 'peace'. It was only a promise for peace, and he was a fool for taking the order. There can never be peace, without drastic measures. With out complete rebirth."
"Get to the point!" I hiss out.
Madara nods. "Well Sasuke you see, you're brother was a mole. He worked for both your clan and for Konoha. No matter how much it looked like the village was at peace, there was a silent civil war fueled by distrust, and anger. The elders of Konoha told Itachi to kill the Uchiha, and he did. Simple as that. No matter what sort of lies he told you, he was a pawn, and he let himself be use." Madara chuckles a little. "You had every right to runaway and betray Konoha, they turned their back on you the moment you were born an Uchiha. They wanted you dead. Itachi wanted you dead, however I saved you. I convinced your brother to spare you. I tapped into his emotions, and he couldn't bare the thought of killing you. He protected you, he watched you all these years. He made sure no one laid a hand on you. He was your unseen guardian angel, and how do you repay him? By attempting to kill him. You've been seeking revenge form the wrong person. Itachi's only crime is loving his little brother." Madara coos out.
"Why should I believe you?" I stay calm on the outside, however my blood is ranging with passion. My mind is jumbled with hope, and guilt. "Why would you tell me this? What do you gain form this?" I push away my emotions and think about the situation logically. It makes no sense, either this is a lie, or some sort of trick. However, why would he lie? Does he believe that by telling me this I'll turn against Itachi? But, what good would that do?
"If you don't believe me ask your brother," he says plainly. My grip tightens on my sword, and I abruptly swing at the older Uchiha. He jumps back.
"You're lying, what do you want?" I question him. I don't know what I'm feeling, I don't know whom to trust. I never felt threatened while I was in Konoha…and Naruto…Naruto never acted like I was his enemy.
"It's a lot to handle I know. I'll let you think about this…I'll see you soon," Madara disappears. I look at the sky. So he does have motive for telling me this story. I won't seek him out, then I would just be playing into his hand. I'm tired of following everyone else's plans for me. I'm making my own path. I won't let him find me. I close my eyes and try to sense something, anything. I feel the earth move, and the trees sing…Madara truly is gone. Once I feel confident that he won't follow me and find our hide out, I head back to the cave.
"No more games," I tell Itachi as I walk into his room. I slam the door shut behind me. I do not want to play games with him anymore. He will either become my alley and, help me find out what Madara wants from me; or I'll kill him now. I'll take my revenge…or will I just become a murder? I do not know anymore, but the one thing I'm sure of is that I've run out of patients.
Itachi's blind eyes look at me. He looks innocent and pure, like an angel. However I push away these distracting thoughts, and hold on to my annoyance. "I spoke to Madara." I tell him
Itachi lowers his head. "I see."
"Did you really let Konoha use you like that? You turned your back on your kin, in the name of your village!" I spit out at him. My voice echoes throughout the room.
"I scarified myself…for the name of peace," Itachi mutters out.
"Well it didn't work, it only created more anger, and pain!" I tell him. I look away and gaze at the floor. Suddenly I feel cold, and the hot passionate anger has left me. "I don't understand you…" I mumble out.
I hand reaches out to touch mine, and I automatically pull away. Itachi with draws his hand as well. I look down at him, a broken soldier, blind and sick. He's withering away, and he would have been content dying with out ever telling me the truth.
"Our father…he pushed me so far...then I turned on him. Our views of the world…our views of what the future should be, were so different. Him and the rest of our clan were planing an uprising. A take over. I couldn't let that happen. Not because a few felt betrayed. Not because the Uchiha thought they had some claim to more power. This greed…this shallow hunger for power had to stop!"
I stare down at Itachi with amazement. He lowers his head, and brings his hands together. This is the first time I've ever heard him raise his voice. Itachi takes in a deep breath and regains his perfection. He holds his head up high and turns to me.
"I will admit, that not killing you was a selfish act. However…I felt some guilt. Madara knew exactly how to reach into my heart and manipulate that guilt. I let you live, and then I had started to hope that you would kill me, that you would hate me...and you would be protected."
"Don't you think I would have found out!"
"No, I hoped that after killing me you would find your own way...and feel more at peace. However…Madara has his own plans."
"What does he want from me?"
"I'm not sure," Itachi says truthfully. I long silence enters the room. I sit down on the edge of Itachi's bed. I think back to everything Madara told me. So far Itachi is supporting his story.
"So...you watched over me?" I question Itachi. I look down at my hands. I try to think of a time where I felt unsafe in Konoha. I can't recall ever having any feeling…other then emptiness while I was in the village. Now I'm being told that the only emotion I did feel (hatred) was unfounded? Why didn't Itachi take me with him? Why did he want me to hate him? I don't…now what to feel, and how strongly I should feel it. However a tinge of bitterness rests in my heart…But he's my aniki. He never changed…maybe I should hate him for that. Maybe I should despise him because he made me believe that my aniki was dead.
"I made sure that the elders new I was still alive...that I knew the truth. It was a simple deal...after all they didn't want anyone to know that they killed of the Uchiha, via an ANBU agent." He tells me emotionlessly.
My eyes become dry as I stare at the floor. How could this be…this whole time I was living...learning and fighting for the enemy? All this time Konoha wanted me dead. They killed my family...they stole my childhood and forced me to grow up at a fast pace. They nurtured me to become cold, and hate my brother. I wonder if Kakashi knew…Was I everyone's fool? There's no reason to hate Itachi, then why do I feel so bitter? Shouldn't this be happy news? I have my aniki back…I have a family. Still I feel hallow and empty. My whole world…my drive in life…has been ripped apart. Everything that I though was true, everything that caused my heart to speed up with anger…was a lie. My world is no longer reality.
"Sasuke...I apologize," Itachi mutter out, and I feel his hand creep over mine. I look at the long elegant fingers as they slowly wrap around mine. Why would he lie to me? Why would he want me to kill him? How is that protecting me from anything? I just don't understand anything anymore. Why didn't he just tell me the truth? I didn't need his twisted 'protection'. I would have gladly given up my 'innocence' if only to know that I wasn't alone; that I could have a part of my family back.
"I hate you," I tell Itachi softly. I do. I hate him for lying to me. I hate him for not coming back, and holding me in his arms and telling me everything is going to be all right. I was so young…he did nothing to stop my loneliness. No instead he encouraged it. And for what? So that he could keep me blind my whole life?
"I hate you!" I scream out.
"I know," he says tenderly. Like a mother would say to a child, after she didn't buy him a lollipop. Doesn't he see what he's done? Doesn't he care?
I hand comes to touch my cheek, and I open my eyes. It's then that I notice I've shamefully let a tear slip out. I turn my face away from Itachi, he might not be able to see me, but he knows I'm crying.
"I was selfish…" he whispers out. I feel my self-control crumbling. I don't want to break down, not now. After all, I've stayed strong and taken care of myself for years. I'm not a kid anymore, I stopped being a kid that night my clan was massacred. So why should I act like a child now?
I catch Itachi's hand just as it's about to slide off my face. I hold on to it, and let my cheek lay against it. His flesh is soft, and I feel warm. I take in a deep breath and try to calm myself. I don't want to seem weak…I have to many responsibilities. I push away my emotions and become cold. However, just as I've regained control, I feel a lovely sensation upon my lips.
I look at Itachi for a while before I close my eyes, and let him kiss me. I should push him away. I should leave him alone in this room and have him thirst for my touch and attention. Just as I thirsted for my family as I spent so many years on my own. Just as I blindly thirsted for revenge, because anger was the only emotion I could register in my lonely broken heart. Instead, I let myself sink into his arms. I let him pull me down and continue to kiss me. I also let myself touch his silky hair, and push against his lips just as seductively as he pushed against mine. Instead, I let myself become a child, if only for this moment. I've spent so many years acting like a grown man; let me take back a piece of my childhood. For now I want to be childish, and naive. I want to be blind to the outside world.
"Tell me you love me," I whisper out. Why am I commanding my brother to do so? Why would I even care to hear those words escape his lips? A part of my subconscious hides the reason, however I always remember wanting my brother's attention and affect when I was little. Can I have it now? Can I have all your time Itachi? Or will you lie to me and leave again?
"You know that I love you," Itachi tells me in a chilling voice. So monotone, and dull. Still I know he's not lying.
What kind of love do I want my brother to show me now? What did I truly ask him to tell me? I don't want to ask myself this question now, as memories pour into my mind. Memories of my childhood...and memories of the night…I rapped my brother. All my hate all my punishment, it seems so cruel. Still I feel a conflict as I think about Itachi. For tonight I'm going to continue to be a child, and not think about these complex emotions. After that I'll look at all the facts that I've gathered today and let them sink in. Before I come to the conclusion that I no longer have a reason to hate my brother.
A/N: Sasuke is still not ready to openly admit he loves Itachi, but soon! Soon he won't be able to ignore his feelings for Itachi (evil laughter). I hope this chapter was ok.
