Brian's POV
Once the laughter died down, Justin went to the new kitchen area to put the finishing touches on the party food. Mother Taylor, Molly, Emmett, Deb, and Daphne joined him, no doubt to give him the third degree. Ben started to enlighten Ted, Tucker, and Mikey on the plethora of different rituals the world's cultures have used to commemorate a person's transitions from one life role to another. I manage to escape into Justin's studio.
Hunter followed me in and said, "Happy Birthday, Brian."
I drawled, "Well, if it isn't the littlest hustler. So what's going on with you and Daphne?"
He actually blushed. I quirked an eyebrow and continued to observe him carefully.
He walked over to Justin's worktable and pulled a notebook out of one of the drawers. Then, he handed it to me.
"This is my gift to you."
"What is it?"
"The journal Justin's been writing since he came back here. I happened to see him writing in it one day and scoured the apartment looking for it. I finally found it this morning."
I snapped, "It's not yours to give."
Hunter smiled softly and pulled a folded up sheet of paper out of his back pocket. He looked at it for a moment before showing it to me.
He began hesitantly, "Justin…he drew this from a picture he took of Daphne and me."
He shook his head and, then, continued, "No one has ever done anything like that for me before."
This I could understand. Having coming from a fucked up family, too, I was similarly amazed the first time I saw a drawing Justin had done of me. I couldn't understand how he could find me beautiful enough to be a subject for his art. I mean, I knew I was hot, but most people just wanted a piece, a legendary fuck they could tell their friends about. They certainly didn't spend hours observing me closely, every detail, even the expression in my eyes, so they could render it on paper or canvas. No one had ever adored me the way Justin always has, not even Mikey. Mikey saw me as a mythic figure, a comic book hero, not a flawed, but beautiful man, a man who was not beautiful in spite of his flaws, but because of them. Only Justin saw me that way.
Hunter stammered, "Ever since he gave me this, I've wanted to do something for him. I got you guys some great E for tonight, but when I saw him writing this journal, I knew I could do him an even bigger favor. He would never show this to you or even admit he wanted you to read it, but he addressed every entry to you."
I was shocked and touched, but not too distracted to realize that Hunter had just admitted to reading the entire thing.
Annoyed, I asked, "You read it?"
"Yeah. At first, I just wanted to know what it was…but then I couldn't stop myself. He really loves you, I mean, really loves you. You have to read it, and I know Justin would want you to."
With that, Hunter left. I stood there staring at Justin's journal. I hesitated. This would be a total violation. But how could I resist. I pulled up a stool and sat down to read.
Day 1
Hunter still hates me a little, but he still like-likes you, so he was more than willing to help me stay hidden for a while.
I chuckled. Only Justin would still use "like-like" after leaving junior high. Justin was most definitely a man and had been for some time, but there was a beautiful innocence and playfulness about him that he could never lose. That was one of the unique qualities that had sent me falling head over heels for him. I had grown up way too fast. I was as jaded as most adults of 35 are by the time I was 6 or 7. Thus, I was captivated by…no one word could cover it. Justin was just so often amazed by people and the world…and, no matter what horrors he witnessed or experienced, he could still believe and trust. He could laugh with abandon, be silly, and give himself over completely to an experience, to love…Sometimes, he could even get me to do the same. I shook my head and laughed. Who would ever have believed that a 17-year-old virgin would one day have me behaving like a kid and thinking and feeling like a lesbian…
Last night, you were so sad that I was floored. I knew you loved me, but your stubbornness, as always, made me forget, for a while, just how much, made me forget that you need me as much as I need you. I almost broke down and told you. But I couldn't risk it. I couldn't take you trying to give me everything, but, somehow, missing the point and taking from me all that I really need. So here I am, in the studio you thought I'd completely abandoned, painting as I can only do with you nearby, with the hope of our reunion not too far on the horizon.
I swallowed hard. I had no words…
Day 2
I painted our first time today. The streetlamp, my fear and exhilaration, your cool confidence, your gentleness, our desire, your annoyance at friends' interference, our heat and electricity, and your love for Gus. Translation, I painted myself falling in love with you, recognizing the other part of my soul.
I looked around until I saw a painting that seemed to match the description. It was breathtaking. The top left corner was black, but there was a faint yellow glow within the dark patch. The center was occupied by a stretch of bright red. Part of it seemed to ripple and was infused with warm oranges and cool blues. Another part seemed to explode into jagged edges, touched with a white-yellow. The bottom right corner was connected to the center by a patch of light orange. Next to the orange was a royal blue that gradually became a pale green as one traced it to the right. The orange and blue, side-by-side, spiraled around each other, slowly taking on qualities of the other until they became one at the bottom, a beautiful ethereal silver, which weaved its way through all the patches making up the painting. I blinked back tears and cleared my throat.
Day 3
Today, I missed you so much, ached so much for your body, your touch, your kiss… Later, I called your cell phone so I could listen to your voicemail message, jerked off in the shower, and cried myself to sleep.
I thought, "You weren't alone, Sunshine. I couldn't help but fantasize about you every time I stepped under the shower's hot spray, and I gazed at that first drawing you made of me far too long and far too often…thinking of you…missing you."
Day 4
Daphne's here today, thank goodness. I was getting a little morose. She's an expert at handling the symptoms of my Brian-Kinney withdrawal. We ate peach frozen yogurt…
Thinking about our experiences with peach frozen yogurt, I smiled. It's no wonder he immediately reaches for it when he is blue. I may never tell him this, but I do, too.
Day 5
I created a prom piece today. Daphne described the night to me again, every detail she could remember. I added touches representing the feelings I saw in your eyes when you were trying to help me recover my memory of that night. It's bittersweet, but beautiful, I think.
I would wait for Justin to show me this one. Was I afraid of what I would see or was I trying not to overstep (anymore than I already had by reading this)? I don't know.
Day 6
Hunter's been taking pictures of you for me…It's a relief to draw you and read the expression in your eyes, things that have become so much a part of me that, now, they're as natural and involuntary as breathing.
That's why the littlest hustler had been hanging around so much! I can't even list all the strange habits that have become as natural as breathing since meeting Justin…hand massages…holding Justin at night…reading the arts section of the paper…coming home by 3am, whether or not we are together…avoiding other men's lips like the plague…keeping a stock of cheerios…
Day 7
I painted our emptiness today. The emptiness I saw in the pictures Hunter brought and the emptiness in my heart.
I looked around the studio until my eyes lighted upon a canvas that was primarily dark grey and black. I could see traces of light orange and royal blue and wisps of that beautiful silver here and there, but the painting was otherwise bereft of color. The cloudy-sky gray seemed to be everywhere, and patches of black, like black holes, seemed to suck the life out of everything around them. What color there was dulled and faded as it neared them. A world without Sunshine. I frowned.
I jerked off in bed, while listening to your voice and gazing at a recent picture. The only one with you smiling. The smile doesn't quite reach your eyes, but you threw your head back to laugh, which gave your hair a very sexy ruffled look. I didn't cry today. Okay, I did, but not as much.
Suddenly, my chest ached. No amount of rubbing could banish the empty feeling that had taken up residence there.
Day 8
Moving to New York would have done terrible things to me. Killed me inside, even if I still lived.
The ache in my chest intensified. A dreadful feeling of falling and constricted sobs just beneath the surface.
Day 9
I had everything, and I threw it all away.
I thought, "You weren't the only one, Sunshine."
Day 10
I'll show you that I can be a fat fucking success even if I live in Pittsburgh, and, then, I'll propose.
I couldn't help but glow with pride and admiration. Justin was always so determined and brave.
Day 11
I started a new painting inspired by your heroics during Stockwell's campaign and my dream a couple nights ago. It's going to represent hope and change. The wondrous transformations love can effect.
I think I'll wait for Justin to show me this. Even now, I desperately needed to feel that Justin was proud of me.
Day 12
Would it be silly to give you an engagement ring? Cause I really want to. I want to get down on one knee (possibly in front of everyone we care about) and beg you to overlook my occasional stupidity and make me the happiest man in the world. I've been looking at rings online. I've seen some gorgeous, yet manly rose gold wedding bands that could serve as an engagement ring. Screw it! I'm just going to do it. Who cares how ridiculous I look? I, too, will put everything on the line for love. I can't get this damn smile off my face!
I couldn't help but feel touched and proud. This reminded me of why I love Justin so much…why I fell so hard.
Day 13
I was afraid that I'd seem ignorant if I asked, so I didn't.
I truly admired Justin's capacity for honesty. I always said that I was honest, but that wasn't quite true. Being honest with myself was never easy. I usually ran on bravado. Before I met Justin (and for a long while after), I had to or I would have been paralyzed by self-loathing, the biting words of my parents and even my surrogate family and friends floating around in my head. Before Justin, I'd never thought of myself as being beautiful and strong, capable of love, or even worth loving. But I'd always wanted to be. Before Justin, I never would have been able to admit that, even to myself.
Day 14
I wanted so much to share the good news with you, but I think it would be better to wait. It will have more impact if I tell you the same day I tell you that I've been in Pittsburgh this whole month, excepting the two-day trip. You need to know that I can be successful without living in New York.
I thought, "Good news doesn't seem real to me, either, not until I tell you."
Day 15
She wants me to have at least ten in the show.
Christ, I was so fucking proud.
Day 16
I've been so productive today. Must be my excitement about the fall show (that and the fact that another week has passed—only two more until we're happily reunited—back together for good. I'm knocking on wood; don't want to jinx it).
I hated that I helped do this to Justin. Our first year, he never doubted. But I wasn't sure what I could do to fix it. The truth is, I'd always wanted Justin with me, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that I was bad for him…I worried that he'd never have everything he wanted and needed in life if he stayed or that one day he'd realize I'm not worth the trouble and leave me for good. But he'd declared pretty firmly that I was what he needed the most…I really wanted to trust that.
After I finished working, I took a long shower and jerked off while imagining our reunion sex. I don't think I've ever had a better orgasm on my own before.
How pathetic was I? I was a little jealous of Justin's hand. I needed to see it in action.
Day 17
The best part is that it's canvas, so I'm going to cover it with golden gardenias in ivory, yellow, and orange, representing their three growth stages. I found the perfect engagement ring today. It's a dark rose gold (it almost looks like pure copper) open Celtic knot ring, with hearts in the knotwork. Beautiful but manly. I'm so excited; I've been smiling like a fool all day.
I stared at my ring, fingering it gently. This, no doubt, sounded incredibly lesbianic, but I loved the fact that he'd proposed…on bended knee and proffering an engagement ring. His rejection of my first proposal and his hesitance during the second had killed me. His little freak out after the bachelor party had just intensified my fears. But his proposal had sent most of them packing. I was now 95% sure he really wanted this.
I imagined us making love by candlelight surrounded by the golden gardenia screen, my legs around your waist, your cock buried deep inside me, us touching each other everywhere and kissing passionately. I'm getting so much better at imagining us fucking. It seemed that I could really feel the warmth of your skin against mine and your cock filling me up.
I hated that Justin'd had the chance to master fantasizing while jerking off. But it was certainly a testament to the strength of his responsiveness and imagination.
I thought. "If I have anything to say about it, your fantasy would become reality tonight, Sunshine. That's what I want these days. I want to be your dream come true. It's official. You've laid me low………………(and raised me higher than I could ever have imagined)."
Day 18
Daphne and Hunter came over today to help me clean. They were having lots of fun, splashing each other with sudsy water, blowing bunches of bubbles off their hands, and giggling. I wonder what's going on there. I'll have to grill Daph later.
Ditto and ditto.
Day 19
I think I'm going to buy a new bed. Mine's not very comfortable, and it's way too small.
It was about fucking time. Well, it would be once we got to Justin's huge brand new bed.
Day 20
In one of the loft pictures, you're staring at something framed with a faraway look in your eyes. I asked Hunter to find out what it was you were looking at. I can't even guess what it is, and it's driving me crazy. The framing is amateurish, so it can't be one of my paintings, but it looks too big to be a photograph. I tossed and turned for hours because I couldn't stop thinking about it. I finally gave up on sleep and started the yellow panel. I painted until my hand ached and, eventually, fell asleep on the floor.
I whispered, "If only you knew…Wait. You should know. No one haunts me the way you do, Sunshine."
Day 21
Daphne and I went to a flea market today, one place I am absolutely positive you would never go.
I scoffed, "You're damn skippy."
I love the retro look. The main area is a far cry from your minimalist style, but it's warm, bright, and comfortable.
It suited Justin…and I didn't mind it. In fact, I kind of liked it.
Day 22
I decided that I'm going to serve Cajun food at your birthday party. I thought you might find it amusing if I cooked jambalaya again, among other things.
Jambalaya=the first time I let Justin 'care' for me. Scared the shit out of me when I realized that I kind of liked it. I couldn't help but remember hotlanta though (translation, what an absolute shit I could be).
Day 23
Daphne and I went shopping. I kept looking over my shoulder like the cops were after me. I'd hate to wreck the surprise because I needed to buy bedding.
I laughed so hard that I nearly fell off the stool.
I can't believe how much your beloved Egyptian cotton sheets (1500-thread count) cost. I spent more on them than I did furnishing the living room. Course, I bought the furniture at a flea market, but still.
"You know you love them, Sunshine."
I
took a nap in the new bed. I slept better than I have in weeks. It
was so easy to imagine that I was in your bed at the loft. To imagine
that you were just in the kitchen getting water and would soon return
to fuck me into the mattress. Not today, but soon. Just eight more
days…
I hated that Justin still considered the bed at the loft mine. Not ours. He was the only man I'd ever had in it whose name I knew…who I cared about.
Day 24
Hunter came by in the evening to tell me that he managed to find the framed picture you were looking at. He photographed it for me. Imagine my shock (and delight) to see your naked figure staring back at me. Apparently, you bought it from the GLC show. I can't believe you never told me you were the one who bought it. Were you afraid that I'd feel less talented if I learned someone I knew had purchased it? Or, more likely, were you unwilling, even as recently as a few weeks ago, to admit how quickly you had fallen in love with me?
Yes and yes. I had to hold onto some part of my dignity.
We reminisced about my early stalker days.
Those were bittersweet memories.
I even asked her about Hunter. She said she thinks he's cute and funny. When I asked if she thought he was hot, she lost the ability to speak coherently and desperately tried to change the subject.
"Come on, Daphne," I said out loud. "I thought you had better taste. I mean, I guess there's something to Hunter, but he's not hot. If he is, he's still nowhere near Sunshine hot."
I think I need to have a chat with Hunter.
Ditto.
Day 25
Less than a week left until your birthday. I'm so excited that when I think about it, I have trouble breathing. I wonder if you were as nervous the second time you proposed.
Yes. In fact, I'd been so nervous that I had difficulty believing anyone could have been as nervous as I'd been that day. Still, Justin was kinda sweet (big grin).
Day 26
They went shopping while I lay in the bed I bought for us, gazing at the gardenia screen and fantasizing about our reunion.
I drawled, "Have no worries, Sunshine. Once we ditch the family, I'm gonna rock your fucking world."
Later, I made a few sketches of Daphne and Hunter from the pictures I had taken on cleaning day. I gave them each one. They seemed happy. Especially Hunter. The sketch I gave him actually rendered him speechless, if you can believe it.
Yesterday, I never would have believed it.
Day 27
I had the jeweler engrave it, though it was hard because it's an open knot ring (as opposed to a solid band with knotwork placed or engraved on top). It reads, "U R my heart (the shape, not the word)."
I took the ring off my finger for the first time since Justin had slipped it on and looked at the inside. I was stunned. I blinked away tears as I slipped it back on. My fingers lingered for a moment or two.
Day 28
Today, Daphne surprised me with a beautiful pale turquoise cashmere sweater for the party. She thinks I should wear it with my white jeans. They make my ass look incredible.
I thought, "They really did. You could have saved yourself the trouble of a heartfelt speech if you'd simply bent over. But…I'm glad you didn't."
Day 29
I spent hours trying to put my feelings for you into words. I want the proposal to be perfect. But how do you express feelings verbally when those feelings transcend words? I ended up painting most of the day. It was like I was possessed. I couldn't stop until I managed to get everything out onto the canvas. I have never been as pleased with any of my paintings before. I hope you like it. Who am I kidding? I want you to love it. I want you to know, without me saying a word, exactly what it means, exactly how I feel about you.
I scanned the room until I saw a huge red canvas that I just knew was the one I was hoping to find. I walked over to inspect it more closely. I was incredibly nervous. It hit me then how much pressure I had always put on Justin. I had expected him to know how I felt and what I was saying by the way I touched him…kissed him…looked at him. No wonder he ran off with the fiddler. It must have been a relief to not always need to be translating…not always reading subtext.
The red was not a single color or texture. It was comprised of so many shades of red and textures that I couldn't count them all. That was his heart. On top of the red, there were lines of other colors…What the heck? I took a few steps back and stared. Fuck! The lines of color formed a picture…of me. It wasn't obvious, but it was there. There had to be a pattern to the colors. After a few minutes, it began to take shape.
White=Innocence and worship (Our first night together)
Purple=Sensuality, envy, pride, arrogance, and mystery (Our first year)
Yellow=Joy (The prom)
Black=Pain, sadness, and death (The bashing)
Brown=Stability and confidence (My helping Justin recover)
Purple= Sensuality, envy, pride, arrogance, and mystery (Our second year)
Gray=Decay (Our first break up)
Purple= Sensuality, envy, pride, arrogance, and mystery
Yellow=Joy
Orange=Warmth and playfulness (the purple, yellow, and orange=Our third year)
Black=Pain, sadness, and death (The cancer)
Green=Rebirth, hope, and harmony (My recovery, our fourth year)
Gray=Decay (Our second break up)
Black=Pain, sadness, and death (The bombing)
Pink=Love (My saying "I love you")
Purple=Sensuality and mystery
Yellow=Joy
Pink=Marriage (The proposal and wedding plans)
I think Justin was saying that the night we met, I had taken root in his heart, eventually becoming such an integral part that our separation was unthinkable.
Justin's POV
I walked into my workspace and was shocked to find Brian staring at the painting representing my feelings for him. Without realizing it, Brian had been voicing his thoughts aloud: his description of the red background, the revelation that the lines of color formed a picture of him, what those colors symbolized, and what it all meant. I couldn't believe it! He knew, without me saying a word, exactly what it meant, exactly how I felt about him.
Brian must have sensed my presence because he turned around. I flashed him a million-watt smile and jumped into his arms, kissing him with such passion that I could feel him trembling.
