Day of Damnation
Tonight is the loneliest night in all my existence. Tonight, I lost my love forever, walked away from the most perfect joy I'd ever known because… my true nature has been revealed.
Blood bruises, blood heals; I have no blood, but yet I bleed. My love is a contradiction: I love you, but it destroys you. You love me, I still destroy you. Do I equate love with destruction? Is love only for those who bleed physically and forbidden to those who bleed metaphorically?
I would satisfy myself with this conclusion were it not for Carlisle and Esme, Alice and Jasper, even Emmett and Rosalie; even Rosalie! In the name of all that is holy!
How small she seemed as I played my role. I've forgotten my excellence at deception, having been in her truth-invoking presence for so long. Bella, you are so good; I shall find no pleasure knowing that I've caused you these few days of suffering.
Is it possible for a vampire to go insane?
Perhaps one day, after the passage of time, I will see her again. In a crowded place, where, hidden I can watch her movements with the crowd. I may be close enough to inhale that heady scent of her hair and touch her, just once; she wouldn't have to know. I could steal to her bedroom and watch her sleep…
It can never be. I can never see her again. My thoughts must not stray to what could have been, because it never could have been! A dream state; a dream of love. Something invented, unreal, unbearably unreal. Love of that magnitude and scope could never exist…
But what of the sweet whisper of her lips on mine? Were they not real? Her tears of anger, her meekness as I left.. Were they not real? Was Bella but a dream? Am I mad?
She is real. She must be real, she must live and breathe as I exist. I understand Heathcliff at last, I cannot live without my soul! Bella is my soul, my soul forged into woman, sweet, sweet Bella. I long to hold you.
What agony to know that heaven exists and I am forever damned!
I can race away from her, I can hide in deepest shadows, but I am lost regardless where I go. Is there no where, no place in heaven or earth to escape this hell? The road holds no relief; the flap on tires on the asphalt murmur her name, the engines hum it and drive me utterly senseless.
I have left her! I have saved her! Is this torture not enough? How will I know peace? Time drags wounded and sore, as if to annunciate my pain. I believed the thirst for her unbearable until her absence scourged my empty veins. I long for her. I ache for her. I want her.
Carlisle wishes to help, and his kindness is not unnoticed, but I must take leave of his goodness while I can still see. This uprooting was not of his choice, not borne of his actions, yet with love, he has acted and entreated the rest to follow. My family, I love them, but they can have no use for me in this state of existence.
I must find redemption. I must find peace. Without Bella in the flesh (her skin…) I must find that which is Bella in the world, and allow that to suffice. I must not sway, I cannot swoon.
Redemption, speak to me, deliver me, call me to your bidding before I am mad indeed.
Bella is safe from me, safe from my world, safe from my kind… Although the woman, James' woman may still cause harm. Is this what is in store for me, to rid the world of possible threats to Bella's existence? (Writing her name is painful, her name carries such sweet remnants of memories, futures now shredded beyond hope.)
Redemption must be mine: I shall track Victoria. Perhaps ensuring the safety of my love from afar will ease the yearning and restore my mind. A purpose, though not that I originally sought, but a purpose nonetheless, may redeem me while she lives.
When she no longer lives, my purpose, my reason for existence shall die as well.
