December
I've followed this scent, this path for weeks now. I will not rest. I cannot rest, living with this obligation that will be my only redemption. Yet, I cannot attain my grail! Victoria eludes me still.
As I ran down the path today, I saw Bella. She stood amongst a group of children, swaying with their sing-song games, and I was utterly mesmerized. I stared in amazement from the deepest shadows in the park, the hope and joy an agonizing torment. She moved slightly, slowly, and then her eyes opened to mine and she saw into the core of my existence. I had no secrets, no thought or emotion I could ever keep from her. I was bare and vulnerable to her beauty.
I moved a step toward her and she looked away, and just as suddenly she was gone. The children remained, chanting their playground chorus, but Bella was gone… I ran, circling the Texan field, searching for her, frantic to find her, when a slow realization at last sank in. She was not there. My need for her produced this apparition of love, so cutting and divine I could scarcely grasp that she was only a vision of love, a vision I did not deserve.
Perhaps I left in too much haste. Perhaps she needs me. What if she is hurt, bleeding, calling my name? Oh, the pain of it, that she call for me and I am not there! But this is a lie…
I wrestle with my need for her, to pervert my desires and selfishness into her need, her desires. She is young and resilient. No doubt by now there is something, someone, someone else… The stars could not know such a flame that burns me now! Bella, love! Bella, please!
Am I so monstrous that I must return? I have given her the life that she should have, the freedom that is her birthright. I cannot sway; I must not swoon. She is all, she is life, she is love and she must be all these encased in a delicate, fragile wrapper away from me. My longing is naught, my need inconsequential. She is all, and she must be safe.
In this season of joy, of rejoicing, families united in love, I am bitter with despair. In this land so rich in piety, the saints and angels cannot deliver the demon to me.
I cannot find Victoria. The one act of redemption I could find, the one action I could take, and it is denied to me.
I have run a continent. I have searched a nation. I lived a century. All of this, all these feats, I would trade for one night, to lay at peace in the arms of my love. I see her everywhere: the rich, deep eyes, unblinking and longing – I pray, longing! - gaze up at me from the pool from which I drink. Her laugh rings in the song of the towhees at dawn and the hum of the woods at twilight. I can feel her chest rise and fall, warm beneath my hand.
And music lies as still as my silent heart. Where each sound she made was inspiration for song, the chords lay empty in my mind. The absence was not immediately apparent. My thoughts were with and for she who is my love. The search distracted me from the lyrical existence I'd known. Music was replaced with racing, speeding to sanctification, atonement, which of course has been futile. Once the worthlessness of my efforts encased me, I noticed the silence. And in the silence, I heard again the absence of Bella's voice. Whatever soul I had, whatever music was in me… has abandoned me, and is gone. The carols ring on, mocking.
Carlisle reaches to me, and I can only bow under the weight of guilt I feel. I cannot return. He promises my return will make the family whole and restore me, but how can I be restored when my heart has been ripped from me? I fear for what he would find to see me know, to see how truly broken I am. I shame his love.
Pointless, aimless, fruitless, I run in circles going nowhere. I run to land's end for no particular reason.
Bella, if you find this entry, know how my heart breaks for you; know that I injure myself to see you safe; know that I am, and always will be your Edward. Though you cannot hear my voice, you are everywhere about me; though I cannot touch your face or caress your hair, I feel you in the trees, the air, the earth. You are the fire that burns within this icy hull. I am nothing without you. I cannot exist in your world; I cannot live in a world where you don't exist.
