Disclaimer: Ok Ok…I admit it..I haven't felt like writing in over three months. This is due to my laziness and reviewing other stories. Good news is that I've submitted over 235 reviews to this site…I think at a thousand I get a hug from Neo and some pocket lint.
The only time I own the Matrix is in my dreams. Reality isn't so friendly…(sees lawyers phasing through walls) (Lawyers advance in my direction)
Why WOULD I want to own the Matrix? All it is is some computer program which contains every cool program and almost every human on earth..wait…now that I type it I kinda DO feel like owning it. But sadly the Wachowksi bros called dibs on it first.
The Owner's Guide to the Merovingian
A Manual
Congratulations!
You are now the new proud owner of the arrogant Frenchman! Finally the Mero has been sedated (courtesy of Persephone), packaged up and delivered to your front doorstep. Upon containment, we noticed that the Mero and his ego couldn't be contained in a simple 4 by 5 box. Therefore, when delivered, you'll notice a big box titled Live Merovingian (with three holes poked in the upper left hand corner on everyside) and then six smaller boxes labeled ego- this side up.
What Have I Ordered?
You've basically ordered the living, walking and breathing definition of arrogance…French version.
The Merovingian comes complete with-
-An ego that puts every macho man to shame…and then some.
-Plastic Le Vrai 'doll house'
-Persephone figurine
-French/English translator
-Hit List (Keymaker scratched out for your convenience.)
-Every Hot wheel Cadillac figurine known.
-'Orgasmic cake'
-Life-size cardboard stand-up models of Cain and Abel.
-Photo of the twins with their first kill (Note: picture is graphic. Keep out of child viewing distance)
Note: There are no refunds, returns, or satisfaction guarantees. (unless under specific conditions) Handle at own risk…
How to Assemble
When assembling the Mero, please take note of the ego boxes that come with him. Assembling the Mero (a.k.a- just getting him out of his box) is rather straight forward, but the ego boxes need to be treated with caution. Upon opening said boxes you'll notice a bluish/purple blob of ego that floats as soon as it's released.
(A/N- Kind of like those blobish things in the haunted castle in the Mario games)
It's wise not to hover over the box once it's opened… or you may just get a faceful of the Merv's ego. We know for a fact that the blob contains 30 percent pride, 40 percent arrogance, 20 percent blue-ish purple dye and 10 percent hydrogen (for the floaty effect.)
Note: The Ego is not a toy.
After AssemblingOnce the Mero is out of his confinement and thesix little blobs are floating happily about your home, allow the Mero to get acquainted with any residences or other characters. The Mero should get along just fine with Persephone and the twins…but that's about it. Having Neo within the premises will result in a bloodbath of kung-fu, I-can-stop-bullets-in-midair, and blob fighting. (Ego blobs are used as the Mero's last resort of protection and travel at a constant rate of 2mph.) If you don't own Neo, you can just skip the whole fight scene and proceed to the next title…thingy.
Added Info
None that we know of…it might just scare you away….muha.
What does the Mero like to do?
Other than being a smirking dude that puts everything to do with France to shame, he doesn't do much more than that. As long as there is a constant stream of French food going to him and the occasional 'orgasmic cake' getting consumed by some random woman, he'll be just fine. Having the Merovingian in your household does have it's benefits and drawbacks.
Benefit- Knows every fine French restaurant in your city or town. Gets a special discount at said restaurant because he's the one and only Mero.
Drawbacks- Those days the Mero doesn't feel like eating out, you'll be coughing up a lot of cash in order to prepare him French cuisines.
Things not to give the Mero…-Your attitude
-Any food other than French
-Severed limbs from victims that the twins/bodyguards killed.
-Flowers.
-The Matrix….
How to Maintain your Merovingian…
Every four days or so it is especially important to iron all of the Merovingian's suits and to make sure that his ego blobs get a good scrub down in the bath to rid them of dust. If your Mero is feeling a little down or is just plain bored, send him to Hel with a kitchen load of 'special cake.' If that doesn't perk him up, then something is wrong. Send back (with ego) to the address 000 Imaginary Rd.
In Conclusion
We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not the coolest and most irritating) edition of your family. As the months progress, you should get used to his personality. The first few weeks are hell on earth, but then you ought to get accustomed to it. Merovingian has ego in his name and we sure hope that you know what you got yourself into…
The authoress is not here right now, so at the sound (or rather sight) of the beep please leave a review...Pocky waits on the other side...
BEEP!!!
