A/N: Thanks for the comments, I really appreciate them! This is another from EPOV, he's very confused in this chapter, so his thoughts are contradictory at times. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Rating: T to M for mature themes, language
Flight 5107
Chapter five: Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do
When she was defiant it made me want her blood more.
It's purely a conjecture, but I think it had something to do with the temperature…she was near her boiling point. Maybe the aroma was more pronounced as the covalent bonds were broken with the hemoglobin. I don't know, I apparently didn't know anything. What I thought I knew, everything I'd thought I learned in my century old existence, somehow didn't apply anymore.
Regardless of the cause, I was not counting on the effect of that complication. I'd never been more aroused, for lack of better term, by her than right now as she sat before me, her mouth down-turned in a petulant manner. I hadn't expected her to be so feisty, so alive, when she awoke. I mean, the girl probably had several broken bones, possible internal bleeding, and her body was badly bruised. And here she was, in no need of rehabilitation, the perfectly put together girl sturdy and ready to fight. I supposed my tending to her wounds helped…not to brag, but I had earned medical degrees six times over. Somehow I couldn't take all the credit though.
There was something else going on, something keeping her strong for me.
I was no longer going to pretend that fate hadn't forced this girl into my life. Destiny…what a foreign concept. I never believed in it before now. What good was that idea for a vampire, especially one who could manipulate situations to fit his wishes? It never existed for me because I didn't need it to. But now I had proof it existed; she was brought to me to fill my life with purpose and reason, to somehow allow me to experience the greatest emotion I'd ever felt.
How had I ever lived before? How had I ever seen through the darkness?
My thoughts swirled around in confusion. I didn't even want to think of the connotation of the word I felt for her, I didn't want to jinx us. I mean, really fate had already dealt her a cruel hand. What had she done in her life to condemn herself to such a desolate future?
It had been two days since the crash. Two days since I met her. Two days since my life had been irreversibly flipped upside down. If the events of the past 48 hours hadn't killed her yet, I would be damned if I was going to let her die at my hands now.
I closed my eyes tight, trying to distance myself from the girl who would surely torture me for the rest of my existence
---
As we tumbled towards the sea, the night sky enveloping us, I actually felt weightless, effortless, like we were drifting, floating…and not at the dangerous velocity that we were falling.
Somehow my mind was able to absorb the twinkling dots surrounding me on all sides, only interrupted by the brilliant inferno that was our splintered plane as it streaked across the dark blue blanket of night.
Stunning.
Relishing the cool rush of air that was whipping my body, I took it all in with a deep inspiration. I sputtered as her scent filled every part of my lungs, making it that much harder to breathe. Now completely aware of where I was, I realized with alarming horror that what was left of the plane would soon be making its forceful impact on the water, but that we would be making ours first.
I tucked Bella into a ball into my arms, trying my best to shield her from the awaiting wall of bricks that awaited us. She whimpered, her eyes closed, no doubt waiting for what she thought her inevitable demise would be. My body reflexively crouched as the sickening crush of water met my legs, sending me in a plummet to the freezing depths.
The frigid currents ripped against our bodies as I struggled to surface. It took all the strength I had to swim through the darkness, but I didn't give up.
All for Bella. I couldn't let her freeze. My senses were hyperaware that the odds were stacked heavily against her, but I couldn't think of anything else but saving her. I slid easily through the icy tide, trying to keep her head above water as much as I could. The impact of our dive knocked her out and it would be very cruel indeed if my attempt to save her ended up killing her instead.
As soon as my feet hit something solid on the bottom of the ocean floor, I knew we must have been at least nearing land. Thank God. It wouldn't be long before we collapsed onto the shore of a little uninhabited island.
I was afraid I was too late. She was so blue, so cold, so serene. But she still had a pulse, I could hear it drumming erratically. It slowly thumped in time, bradycardic from the freezing shock to her system.
BOOM. Our plane, or what was left of it, reached it's fiery endpoint a little ways offshore. The flames flickered in the distance, illuminating Bella's shivering form, her body instinctively trying to protect her from organ failure. As she lay dying in my arms, I realized that my proximity wasn't helping her any. I covered her body with sand, which was only slightly warmer than the air but it was better than having an ice cold vampire beside her.
My mind was made up before the plane had even reached the awaiting Earth, I had to go back and see if there was anything else left. Something that might help her. I glided through the water again, until I reached the edge of the plane. The plane had fractured in half some time before hitting the water, and amazingly there was still a part of the skeleton intact. What was left of the vessel was still on fire and the pungency of gasoline temporarily distracted me from Bella's still familiar scent. The heat was blistering, and I could barely see anything through the billows of smoke. I extinguished what I could with sea water, then I fought through the charred body parts and the ragged metal seeing if there was any sign of life. I couldn't hear anything; for the first time, the silence was deafening, confirming what I already knew to be the truth.
We were the only two survivors of this plane crash.
Various items finally plopped down into the water from the sky, having been ejected from the plane as it was ripped in half. Most of it was badly damaged, but I shoved whatever I could find, blankets, foodstuffs, any type of fabric or cloth, the metal frame of a seat into my arms. It had only been seconds since I left her on the beach, but I needed to get back to her. I felt uneasy about leaving her by herself. What if she woke up? Even worse, what if she didn't?
She didn't.
Not for two whole days.
Two excruciatingly painful days. With every passing hour, I wondered if she would survive. I wrapped her in anything I could, warming her. Every now and then she would cry out in some gibberish, but that gave me hope that she was close to returning to me. I watched her, waiting. This was the most difficult time of all.
Alone with only a barely alive girl, whose thoughts were immune to me, keeping me company, I'd never felt so helpless. There had never been a time in my whole existence as a vampire that I heard silence. Thoughts of others, ranging from banal to salacious, always consumed my mind. This was different, it was uncomfortable for me to feel so alone. It made me hyperaware of my own thoughts, and all of my thoughts revolved around Bella. I couldn't help thinking of her, cold and delicate skin. Her silky hair and soft lips. It was driving me insane, all this yearning. There were no other distractions. Just one fucking big one in front of me.
So I did the unthinkable. I touched her. I had done it before, on the plane, but this was different. There was no one to witness if I lost control of my urges. If I wasn't strong enough, and I killed her, no one would know the better. There were no consequences now.
Except that I wanted her to survive. No, I needed her to. Of all of the terrible things I was, I was nothing if selfish and I wanted her alive and all to myself. Touching her was like feeling heaven and then experiencing hell. I stroked her hair at first, timidly, seeing how far I could push myself. Apparently not that far, since as soon as I made contact, the prickling in my throat became too much to bear. I backed off…then I tried again the next hour. And the next, slowly introducing my fingers to her forehead…her cheek…her jaw…her lips. It was practice in the most devastating act of self-discipline I'd ever encountered. But it made me realize two things.
One, that I could touch Bella Swan and not kill her. And I could do it without a whole plane full of people to serve as collateral.
And two, if I hadn't known it before, I knew it now. I was desperately, hopelessly and inexplicably drawn to this girl.
It wasn't my fault. Her blood called for me, sang out my name in the most hideously gorgeous aria I'd ever bear witness to. Even if she wished to be rid of me now, she would not be. My desire for her was impervious to any force, earthly or otherwise. She was mine now, and I took care of her like she was my most valued possession.
I fastened a neck brace out of the metal seat frame for her, afraid to snap her gorgeous neck as I fitted my hands around it. I fashioned a makeshift turban out of part of my jacket to cover the bad gash on the back of her head. I dressed all of her wounds, tried to splint any possible broken bones, careful not to spill any more of her blood. Her blood already spilt on me, but I was getting better at fighting off the urges. For now, the voice in the back of my head that had been so vehemently pro-slaughter was silent. But I knew it would soon return, and start mocking me in my hell again.
He was probably having a field day with this turn in events. Just when it had started to get easier for me to be around her, and the thirst had started to wane, she lay there almost lifeless. The irony of it all. She taunted me, the tasty little snack. Every minute of that torture made me more acutely aware of her mortality, every second made me less hopeful for her recovery. And it made me more hopeful for the opportunity to drink her nectar.
I busied myself with other tasks as a distraction. Fishing, gathering, hunting. It was all very primitive. Going back and forth from the plane to the shore, collecting goods that we may be able to use. Making a makeshift campsite for Bella and I, and starting to make a more permanent shelter on the other side of the island. The island was small, easy to get around, no people. There were plenty of small animals to quench my thirst, and I fed often. I had to…the smell from the wreckage was intolerable.
Dragging the dead from the plane and giving them a proper sea burial was by far the most difficult task. Blood was spilt everywhere, but I abstained. If I was going to ever drink the blood of a human again, it would be hers, no one else's.
"Edward? EDWARD?"
Awake. At last.
I could not control the grin that invaded my usually somber face. I just loved the way she screamed my name.
In a flash I was within view. She was crouched in the water, the tides rolling over her body, soaking what was left of her thin dress. She heaved in and out, struggling for breath.
Oh God.
"Bella?" I yelled out. Her head shot up, looking around.
Her face when she saw mine was the most glorious vision I'd ever seen.
"Edward? EDWARD?" I laughed as I ran towards her, kicking up the water all around us. I held her, gently twirling us around. Practice makes perfect…almost. Her skin against mine electrified my body, slow roasting it from the inside. But the pain didn't even phase me. There was such a deep connection between us, something that brought her to me. I was never one to believe in fate, but this was the near definition of it. As I'd spent the last two days by her side, I knew this was exactly how it was supposed to be. This girl could love me, of this I was almost sure…and I was definitely sure that I could love her, too.
I really was a masochist, wasn't I?
"Bella," I breathed, the relief dripping from my voice. I allowed myself to savor the frantic beat of her arteries pumping blood through her body. Her pulse was quickened, delivering a flush to her cheeks. The depths of my nonexistent stomach clenched in thirst. God, this hurt.
"I thought you were dead," she avoided my eyes in shame.
Technically, I am.
I chuckled as she lightly brushed my arm. Ah, nothing like the feeling of searing pain. I turned more grim…she would have to find out about my secret soon. How long could we stay here before she noticed some of the little things, like how I didn't eat or sleep, how I had superhuman strength and speed? Before she noticed how my skin glittered in the sunlight? She picked up on my sudden change of mood. Time to change the subject. "I'm sorry, I brought you to this side of the island because I didn't want you to see…"
"See what?" Her eyes questioned, but they were not hopeful.
I didn't want to say it, but I did. "The wreckage."
"Are we?" she hesitated, the sadness apparent in her chocolate eyes. I nodded, confirming her worst fear. "Oh." Tears threatened to fall, and I wish I could hear her thoughts and banish them forever.
I touched her then, rubbing small circles on her back. If you had told me I would be able to be this close to her without taking her, I wouldn't have believed it. There was something else here, more than the self-control I'd built up. My feelings for her, and I didn't fully understand them yet, were keeping her alive. "I want to see it," she whispered.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea. It would be too much. I'm trying to clean up as much as I can, and salvage what I can…"
"I want to see it, take me there," she insisted. I frowned at her, but relented. This was dangerous, the power she had over me. I was already too much of myself around her. But I guess we were on a deserted island in no danger of anyone else finding out about me…so it could have been worse.
"Okay, I'll take you later, but are you sure you don't want something to eat first? You've been out for two days," I fought the overwhelming urge to touch her again, and I lost the internal battle that raged within. I let my fingers guide themselves down her cheek and across her jaw bone. She shuddered at the contact, but held her head up for me. I held her chin in my hands and brought her warm head against my cool one.
"Two days? And you just let me?" her eyes widened.
"I didn't know how long your body needed to adjust to the shock. And I watched you that whole first day. I only wandered away when I felt that you were stable…when you weren't screaming."
Her face blushed my favorite pinkish tint, but I couldn't hide my displeasure. I stood up and walked a few paces away from her, staring out at the rolling tides.
"Thank you, Edward." She hobbled to my side, grabbing my hands. She was not afraid of the bitter coldness anymore, and started rubbing circles into my palms. "For saving my life."
I only nodded…guilty that I was so close to ripping her life from her. But she was thanking me…for not killing her in essence. Not a problem a normal human should have.
She was so delicate looking here in this moment. Her long wet hair had shook itself loose form its dressing, and now it matted to her skin. Her dress clung to every curve of her body, especially the swell of her breasts, her pert nipples staring back at me. Yes, I was looking. I am still a man.
It was still so new to me, lust and yearning. I'd never not been able to have what I'd wanted before. If I were a regular man, maybe I would have had her by now. I shook my head to rid myself of these fantasies before I got carried away. It was an ache, a different kind of hunger…but it was a real one that was ironically slowly consuming me raw. But I couldn't act on these desires. She didn't know what I would do to her if I relented and caved into my desire. How easy it would be to crush her body. I'd just spent all my energy keeping her alive and to undo all of that for the pleasure of a kiss? Even I had more self-control than to let that happen.
She apparently was thinking the same thing I was. She leaned on her good leg and reached up to touch my lips with hers. Her breath hitched, and I let my knees flex a little bit to get closer to those beautiful plump swells.
Stop.
Her eyelids fluttered shut, waiting for me to meet her lips in ecstasy. I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to stop. It took all of my strength not to snap her body in two when she awakened and stared into my lonely eyes that had roamed the Earth for so long without her. I held out my arms and pushed her away, causing her brow to knit together a mix of confusion and anger.
Instead, I picked her up and held her like a baby, walking slowly to the campsite I'd set up for us.
Her body became as rigid as mine usually was. She was pissed, and it was so endearing. She kept staring at me, just daring me to speak to her, daring me to explain myself.
Well sweetheart, if I kiss you, if I hold you, if I take you…I'll end up crushing your body with my bare hands. And I'll probably like the feel of your bones crumbling in my fingers.
This was so fucked up. Everything about me is fucked up.
"I can walk by myself, you know." She fumed from my arms, scowling and probably cursing me. I hated that I couldn't hear a damn thing. I would have loved to hear the profanities spewing from her beautiful mind. I liked a little feistiness in my prey. Made it more exciting.
"I'd rather you not, the wounds on your leg are still oozing. I did what I could to clean it, but you need to keep it elevated and rested. I think you might have some bruised ribs, maybe even a neck injury. You need to take it easy." I said this firmly, and even I almost believed myself as to why I couldn't be more physical with her.
I set her down on a blanket next to the logs. I struck two rocks together with my strength and speed working together to create a nice flame burst. I pulled out a fish and started barbequing.
"Oh god, excuse me." She hurried away as best she could, stumbling down the beach before she wretched and vomited into the sand. She held her head in her hands, her body shaking.
"Bella?" I ran to her side as a reflex.
"Please. It just…reminded me of the way the plane looked when we jumped. The burning, the smell of ashes…" She again gagged as the nausea overtook her. I reached for her hair, clearing her face. In an instant of anger, she ripped the cervical collar from her neck and tossed it aside.
Her actions were full of resentment towards me. It emanated in waves off her body. "I'm sorry."
"How would you have known it would affect me this much? You can't read my mind."
You have no idea, sweetheart.
I snickered at her choice of words.
"Thanks for reminding me," I retorted. "Bella, you need to go back to the fire and eat something, you're weak," I ordered.
Her face crumpled in rage, "You're not the boss of me. Why can't you just let me be? Why are you controlling my life? You should have just let me die!"
I inhaled sharply, ceasing all airflow out of my lungs. This is what it felt like to be knocked out. She would rather be dead than be here with me.
"Is that what you want? To be dead?" I hissed, her words still piercing my ears.
Well if that's what you want, we can make that happen for you, darling.
"Just leave me alone." I didn't move. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" she yelled, her voice breaking.
"Well fuck you, too," I muttered. I had to get away from here before I did something rash. I let go of her hair and ran as fast as I could through the forest. She wouldn't even have time to look.
Why didn't you just let me die?
Why didn't I? Here I was, the fool who fought my inner demon to not kill her because I believed that there was some deep connection with this girl. I deluded myself into believing that she was different. She wasn't different, she was exactly like all those other fickle humans. Confusing. Frustrating. Not even worth it.
I sat down on a large boulder and dropped my head into my hands, pinching my nose with my forefinger and thumb. I exhaled. The churning feeling in my stomach was back, but I wasn't so sure it was due to thirst. She was infuriating. But at the same time, she was so lovely, and so perfect, it pained me to think how flawed I was compared to her.
She obviously did not feel the same about me. I felt the revulsion. I felt the apprehension. She was questioning how we had survived, how we had been the only ones. She was questioning me.
At the same time, she was an ungrateful bitch. And now that I rejected her, the loathing was worse. Well now I could just ignore her, couldn't I? As if. I punched a tree, causing the trunk to snap in half. The fury seared into my core, I had to distract myself before I went back there and killed her. She didn't have any idea how lucky she was that I was able to hold myself in check for this long. I didn't have to though…
With this new little bit of information stored away in my head, what was stopping me from going back there and finishing her off? It was like she'd given me a green light. I hesitated and turned myself back towards the direction of the campfire. I could hear her nimble fingers ripping at the fish, her teeth noisily chewing the meat. She sighed softly in a symbol of resignation, and in that moment, echoed my feelings exactly.
If she wished for death, I could certainly deliver.
The monster inside me laughed heartily.
Fuck.
He was back, and he was mocking me. I was strong though. I'd resist the urge to kill her to show him. Really, I knew I wouldn't kill her because I was a coward to my own feelings. I turned back the opposite direction of the campsite and ran. Racing through the hanging vines and branches, the stress I felt was finally disappearing. It felt good to just run. Not have to worry about anything…or anyone. Like a certain brown-haired girl I'd left on the beach. If was going to sulk and hate me, she could. I wanted her to hate me as much as I hated myself. I could escape this island, leave her here alone. I wanted her to completely loathe my being so that I could be free.
But I wasn't free. I felt more fettered now with my guilty conscience more than ever. Bound by my feelings. Confined by her proximity. Enslaved by her very existence. Restrained by what I was and more importantly, what I was not.
Who did she think she was, my prison guard? I could feel my irises darkening. Now this was actual thirst. God damn. See what she was doing to me? In the real world, continuous feeds like I had taken since we got here would have tided me over for weeks. They barely lasted an hour now.
Everything had changed, and it was baffling the hell of out me.
I couldn't just ignore her. But if I stayed, I could very well kill her. But, I couldn't just leave her either. I mean, knowing that she existed would just bring me back. She was a part of me now, and I know there would be no force that could keep me from her. I would just have to try harder even though this was growing very tiresome. Maybe this is why I'd never bothered with females before. Always changing their minds, giving mixed signals. I finally understood what other men "my age" had been thinking when they were frustrated with this other mercurial gender. They were a lot of trouble. But, if she wanted to be left alone, then I would oblige that request. That way I wouldn't have to struggle with the temptation to kill her.
He chuckled again at my futile thoughts of leaving her be. He knew I wouldn't be able to stay away. She haunted every part of my being. I felt so out of control. Her very being consumed all of my thoughts. It was strange how she now was the focal point of my life. How all the sudden now my thoughts orbited around her constantly, like my moon had finally found her Earth. It was sick. Even if there was physical distance between us, I wouldn't be able to escape the thought of her. I wouldn't escape the vision of me ravaging her delicate, helpless features.
It was far too good, her image was indelible from my memory. Fucking shit. It was so aggravating, this turmoil. She had looked really enraged, and in essence really more appealing. I was brought up a gentleman and I hated that she made me raise my voice to her, hated that I cursed in front of her.
I hadn't realized I'd stopped running until I heard the cracking of leaves as something flitted through them…dinner perhaps?
Another sound. Another rustle and I was off, knowing what it was before it even happened. I caught her just in time.
Her eyelids fluttered open as if she expected my eyes to be waiting for her. My black eyes bored into her face as I mumbled, "I can't leave you alone for twenty minutes, can I?"
Her tiny mouth twisted in the kindest of smiles…oh so now she was going to play nice? "I was trying to find you. I got lost." Her helplessness was so pathetic…and charming and lovely and worthy of all of my adoration.
I wasn't ready to forgive that easily though, the sting of her words still fresh in my mind. I stared straight ahead, barely acknowledging her presence even as I held her. Her skin prickled against mine. "I thought you wanted to be alone."
Her silence forced me to redirect my gaze to her. Her pupils widened, the two pools filled with longing, just waiting to destroy me. Her pulse quickened and her lips parted ever so slightly. The wind blew across her features causing that scent to rise up into my nostrils again…
Fucking infatuation. Control yourself. Be mad. Be incensed. Don't be weak.
"STOP IT!" she screeched, surprising me.
"Stop what?" My head snapped to hers, momentarily shocking her.
She exhaled deeply and shouted, "Doing that! It's freaky!"
What?
The extent of the pain was excruciating, like her intent was perfectly malicious as she twisted the knife a little bit deeper into my nonexistent heart. No, no this was worse than a million knives stabbing at my flesh. The feeling of her body against my arms suddenly burned me and I dropped her.
A freak. That's exactly what I am. That's exactly what she saw me as. I revolted her. Isn't this what I had wanted, for her to reject me? Shouldn't this information have caused me to rejoice triumphantly in my ability to push her away? I know should have felt great happiness in this new revelation, but instead I felt very emotionally empty. I was drained. She finally recognized me for what I was. Why was there a new gnawing sensation in my mind now?
"Ow!" I heard her yell behind me. I didn't care, I was not going to look back. The branches crackled beneath her slow feet as she stumbled to catch up with me. I could feel her staring daggers into my back, but those weak metal swords would have nothing on her words.
I heard her hit the ground once again and fought to keep going. She didn't want my help, so I wouldn't offer it to her.
"Ugghgh, Edward!" she yelled at my back. "Edward, help me," her tone timid and irritated.
I rolled my eyes. Now she wanted my assistance. How aggravating.
Careful what you wish for…
I spun around, trying my hardest to look menacing and intimidating. Judging by the shocked expression on her face, it was working. Nice to know I still had it. "Why would you want a freak like me to help you?"
Her features softened, but her tone was still unapologetic as she hissed, "You're right, fuck off. I can do it myself."
Intriguing, that wasn't the response I thought I'd elicit. She was certainly strange. Strange and beautiful all at once. Her nose wrinkled at me in disgust, her chin pointed in the air.
Now she was just challenging me. I strode back towards her, picking her up and holding her in my bitter hands like she was nothing. No big deal. I tried to tell myself that…it didn't work.
"You know, I don't know why you even bothered…"
My annoyance was now apparent as I sighed. Could she not keep her mouth shut? I congratulated myself on saving the most infuriating human being on the planet. "Why did you save me, when all it did was cause you to regret it?"
My legs failed me as they abruptly ceased moving. She thought my stilted behavior was due to remorse. Silly human being, such easy prey. "You think I regret saving you?" I seethed, hissing through clenched teeth. I could no longer disguise any semblance of anger.
"I know you do…" she did not look at me, and I did not care.
"You don't know anything."
I opened up my arms and smiled as I heard her butt thud against the ground again.
---
Inspired by Space Oddity by David Bowie; What I've Done by Linkin Park; Major Tom Coming Home by Peter Schilling
