(a/n: Oh, my. This is getting away from me very, very quickly. It is also loads of fun.)

Chapter 2: So Long, and Thanks for all the Whales

"Well, Zarquon's balls," a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster said, shocked. It spilled itself a little trying to get adjusted on the bridge.

"Where are we?" asked an old-fashioned bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit.

"How should I know?" gurgled a small cup of Earl Grey.

A door moaned in orgasmic pleasure as a glass of orange juice arrived on the bridge as well, inquiring what Zaphod had gotten them into this time. It was followed by a dirty glass of murky river water.

The shipboard computer chimed in.

"HEY THERE, guys, I'm sure you'll all be tickled pink to know that Improbability is at 35, 200 to one against and falling."

Five sentient beverages stood in place for a moment.

"Normality has been restored. Isn't life great?"

"Magrathea, again," Zaphod exclaimed, back in normal form (albeit dripping). Curious, he licked himself. Yup. He was pretty delicious.

"Drink?" Ford raised his eyebrows at Arthur, offering a saturated arm. Arthur was too busy lapping quickly cooling tea from his person to notice. Ford decided that he would offer his assistance.

"Why Magrathea? Why Magrathea?" Zaphod repeated, pacing about the controls. Trillian opened her mouth, then stopped for a moment, realizing how unpleasantly sticky she was.

"I guess something very improbable is about to happen," she said, reaching down to help Marvin dry off. He complained, and wandered away towards the Improbability Drive switch to mope.

"Ford. Ford! What are you doing?!"

"It's been awhile since I've had tea too, Arthur."

"But that certainly doesn't mean that you can--"

Arthur was suddenly cut off. Zaphod and Trillian remained oblivious.

"What could possibly be so improbable that it needed us?" Zaphod asked.

"Perhaps that," Trillian pointed out through the viewscreen at a large ship with a saucer and twin nacelles.

"I think," Marvin said to all the commotion, "that I shall stand here and drip."

Nobody objected.

###

Kirk had just finished perusing the entry on the Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts of Traal and was moving on to the cross-linked page on Vogons when his communicator sounded.

"Lieutenant Uhura to Captain Kirk," filtered through.

"Yes, Lieutenant?" he answered.

"Sir, you might want to come take a look at this. A ship has suddenly appeared in orbit beside us. It's called the Heart of Gold."

There had been a few entries on that ship in the Guide. This would prove interesting.

"And, also, I've intercepted a transmission from one Ensign Agrajag to a Vogon Constructor Ship. You may want to contact Security. Just in case."

"I'm on my way. Thank you, Lieutenant. Kirk out."

###

"Well, what do you think, Zaphod?" Trillian asked. "Perhaps we should tell them?"

"Well, they obviously wouldn't be here if they didn't know what Magrathea was," Zaphod rolled his eyes. "There's nothing to do here. Let's go to a party. I like parties."

"Oooh, could we possibly find the kind with the cocktails and the little wieners? I'm famished," Ford chimed in.

Arthur Dent let his mind wander about for a moment, eyes drifting to the space outside. Yellow, he thought fleetingly, wondering about maybe acquiring some food himself.

Yellow?

Arthur gasped. Oh, not here. Oh, not now.

"Erm…erm, hey, you guys…" he said.

"D'ya think they might have shrimp puffs?" asked Trillian.

"Oooh, shrimp puffs, yeah," Ford agreed, "though I could do with some chips myself, really."

"Erm, hello…" Arthur cleared his throat.

"Oooh, yeah! But really, there had better be booze," Zaphod added.

"HEY, YOU LOT. THERE IS A VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP RIGHT OUTSIDE."

"I loathe parties," Marvin contributed.

"What?!" the rest of the group said, but Arthur had already run toward the Improbability drive.

"Move over, please, Marvin," Arthur panted at the robot. Marvin shuffled dejectedly toward the left.

"Hey, you guys, just thought you might like to know: we're being hailed by the Federation starship Enterprise," Eddy the shipboard computer called ecstatically.

"Um…on-screen, I guess," Zaphod replied, shifting eyes for a second at a struggling Arthur.

"THE BLASTED THING WON'T OPERATE!" he shouted at the console.

"I'm so sorry, but it seems that my systems have jammed," Eddy said helpfully.

"Jammed?"

"Yes; there's been an electrical short circuit. Some murky river water. And a rock or two."

They all glared accusingly at Marvin.

"I think I'll go calculate the meaning of life again. Or die," Marvin droned.

"Um…hello?" a face over the view screen inquired.

"Oh, if only," Marvin said before trudging off.

"Er, hi. We're kinda busy at the moment, so, er," Zaphod said, impatiently.

"You see, we're trying to help you," the young blond man on the other side explained, patiently. "I am Captain James T. Ki—"

"Yes, yes, of the starship Enterprise, we get it, right, but we really, really, really need to get away from this Vogon Constructor Ship over yonder, d'ya see it? It's large, and yellow, and deathly…"

"Exactly!"

"Oh, God, I think they're about to fire!"

"Listen, we can help. Why are the Vogons--?"

"No, they ARE about to fire!"

"Oh, forget it. Lock onto coordinates!"

"We're going to die now, aren't we?"

"Prepare for ship to ship transport!"

"You damn humans and all your obvious nonsense!"

"Beam up successful."

The last particle of matter realigned itself into place under the transporter bean and two humans, two Betelgeusians, and a potted plant looked around in alarm. Well, the potted plant stayed put, but the writer is going to assume that the good readers will understand.

"Welcome to the Enterprise," a curly-haired boy panted at them in a Russian accent.

Zaphod jumped off of the transporter platform, looking around madly.

"Where's the Heart of Gold?" he asked loudly.

The captain then arrived in the transporter room. Zaphod pointed at him.

"You! What's happened to the Heart of Gold?"

"…You'd better come with me," Kirk said, looking seriously at the four before turning back out of the room with the hydraulic swish of a door.

"Oh, looks like this Federation hasn't invested in the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation," Ford said the name with disdain. "That would be quite distracting, wouldn't it? Red alert, and the door is trying to explain to you that it can't let you leave until it's expressed its utmost pleasure in being the portal to your emergency evacuation."

"The Revolution must have come…" Zaphod murmured agreement. The group followed the captain out to the observation deck.

Magrathea loomed outside well beneath them in space. The crew members of the Heart of Gold searched for their ship, but the space outside was black but for the stars.

"My ship!" Zaphod exclaimed, "My ship, it's been--"

"Your ship?" Trillian cut in. "As I recall, Zaphod, you stole that ship."

"Yeah, and it doesn't get much froodier than that, does it?" he grinned. "But it was still mine. That's what happens when you steal something, y'know. It becomes yours."

"So…what now?" Arthur asked.

"Is this ship headed to a party, by any chance?" Ford asked.

"No, no parties," Kirk shook his head. "Now, if any of you would like to tell me why the Vogons have just destroyed your ship…"

"You know just as much about that as we do. There we were, just minding our own business…well, mostly," Ford replied. "Why are we here?"

"We just beamed every living thing on that ship over here."

"Which is most likely why there is a potted plant in the ship's transporter room," another voice said from the door. The group all glanced up at the half-Vulcan coming from the doorway towards the captain.

"Captain, your presence is needed on the bridge."

"I'll be right up, Mr. Spock," Kirk said with a smile. "Would you accompany me? I'm taking these people to the bridge.

Arthur, Ford, Zaphod, and Trillian all watched the stoic man with pointed ears nod, and they all filed out of the observation deck.

"Every living thing…" Trillian said softly. "Marvin!" she cried. The others shifted guiltily and glanced at her, not having have given a rat's ass about Marvin until that point.

"Well, it's what he wanted," Arthur sighed.

"Oh, I dunno," Ford drawled, "he might have wanted to complain at us a bit more before he went. Superior intellect, and all."

"Poor thing," Trillian said wistfully. "I hated him."

###

A simpering Ensign Agrajag trotted down the hallway on the way from his shift, terribly pleased with himself and life in general. The Vogons, for once, had kept up their end of the bargain. He might have been inclined to sing.

Agrajag spotted the captain and first officer coming down the hallway. He saluted enthusiastically, catching a warm smile from the former and a calculating glance from the latter. Behind them trailed a motley crew—a badly dressed man with two heads, a darkish woman with dark eyes and dark hair, another man wearing a satchel and clutching a towel, and—

Arthur Dent.

Agrajag screamed. A terrible, terrible defeated scream. And ran. A terribly, terribly desperate run.

The traveling party stopped, and looked around for one terrible, terribly confused movement.

"You, ensign," Kirk pointed at another officer in the general vicinity. "Make sure that officer reports to sickbay immediately.

The ensign saluted. Space madness. Happened to the best of them.

###

"JELTZ!"

The screen crackled to life, revealing an apathetic blob of Vogon.

"That would be Prostetnic Vogo--"

"BEAM MYSLF AND THE BRIDGE CREW ALL ABOARD YOUR SHIP! I WAN THE WORST TORTURE IMAGINABLE FOR THE LOT OF THEM, BUT SAVE DENT FOR LAST!"

"Brilliant timing. You see, I've just completed a fantastic sonnet about the rings of soap scum in the communal bath…"

###

(a/n: Don't worry, I promise, sort of, that I won't lose interest. The fangirl in me doesn't quite want to let go of the Vogon poetry torture scene I have planned…hee hee hee…

Doncha know, this crossover was made to be…but from what I gather, Adams was a little disdainful of the whole Trek experience, a little. I don't know, but I got the impression that he felt it was kinda silly. I certainly don't.

If you see any errors you'd like fixed, definitely notify me. I squirm at every one I see in other fics, but I don't always have an eagle eye for mine. And I don't think I need suggestions, but…there was maybe a sequel attacking my brain. DOWN PLOT BUNNY DOWN. No promises.)